Confusa Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 I am a 28 year old woman who has been married for 3 years (no children). Ever since the first year of marriage I have been confronting my husband with the fact that I do not like amount of time he spends watching porn online. At the time he apolagized and acknowledged he had a problem. Over the years I have discovered different things that really make me wonder if I should be with him. He spent $300 at a strip bar and when confronted he said that he got really drunk and spend the $ getting lap dances - He rents porn and watches while I am at work and recently we installed the internet at home after taking off for 2 years and under the computer's history I can see that he has been going on sites an searching for woman in our area to meet, yesterday I found yet another "registration" of him searching for a "discreet relationship". I confronted him and he said that he went on the site out of curiosity (which I don not believe one bit). He recently had some blood work done and it came back abnormal (high liver enzimes) so we sat down and I asked him if he had slept with other people except me and he said no but that he had been with people before we got married (we were together 7 years b4 getting married). So I mentioned to him that hepatitis could cause the liver enzimes to go up. He was very scared and did not want me to go to the doctors with him. He eneded up going to the doctors and he is hepatitis negative (he does not drink excessively or do drugs). We are waiting till he gets more blood work done at the end of the month. We just bought a house together this past spring and moved to a town two years ago due to his job (where I have no family support). I have started graduate school and I told him that I am going to move and that we need to sell the house because I cant put up with it any longer. In reality I dont know what to do... I know that this is tearing me apart and that I do not want to be in this position 10 years from now. We have a great marriage other than this, we compliment each other wonderfully but I dont know if I should have ever married him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 If you love him enough and want the marriage to work, try marriage counselling - Is he willing to admit he has a problem with porn (which has opened the door to other things, wanting to meet up with others or do sexual things online) and go to counselling with you? You may have to do some tough love here so he can understand the damage he's doing to you and the marriage. Eventually things will get worse, especially if you want children. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 We have a great marriage other than this, we compliment each other wonderfully. You do sem to complement each other wonderfully: He is willing to lie, cheat and betray you You seem to be willing to look the other way Give him one (and one only) chance to fix this. As WWIU said, counseling would be a must. Failing that, save yourself years of heartbreak, be thankful that you're young and childless, get out now. I wish you luck. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 RE: I don't understand the gust of the situation -or in other words, relationship. During those 7 years did you, Confusa, ever pause for a minute and think about this particular issue and several characteristics pertaining to his way of deception!? Strange. I do believe you should save yourself from major pitfalls by either confronting him head-on and placing strict guidelines for which he is to accept/follow [ -assuming everything else is blissful, and you are madly in love] . . . or walk away, divorce in hand [ -recommend this option]. You are still young. Connect the dots, and think about what you truly want. Best of Luck, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hi..i just wanted to say that you are not alone. I have been with my H for 9 years...married 6. I am only 24! and his porn use has driven me away. He looks at porn like 3-4 time a week and we have sex like 2 x a month. He even has a toy he uses. I started seeing a therapist last month and I am ready to pack up and go. I have already started to plan it...I just have not decided 100% what I want to do. All I can say is that this is hard and you are not alone. When I confront him....he tells me I have a self esteem issue and that is what is killing out marriage! I told my self today: That I will not come 2nd to his "disease" or problem anymore and I realize that putting myself 1st does not mean that he will. I have a life live. I read in this book...Codependandy No More....that one women did everything for there family...cooked, cleaned, shopped took care of the kids...held the family together...and she was afraid that on her own she could not make it! That is how I feel and reading that made me realize I will be okay no matter what happens and so will you. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I won't deny there are some men who can't handle their porn. Just as there are some men who can't handle their alcohol. Porn use it seems is such a chicken and an egg kind of thing. For some women, the man uses the porn first which dimishes sex drive of the woman which causes the man to use more porn. In some cases it is the lack of sex from the woman the causes the man to pick up porn in the first place. There tons for debates raging on the porn issue here on LS. Bottom line, If your Husband subsitutes having sex with you in order to enjoy his porn than he has a problem with the porn. He needs to admit he has a problem just like any alocholic. Judging by the average guy who posts here that uses porn they do so in response to lack of sex with their mates. Most of whom would give up the porn for frequent sex with their ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Hi there! Just to put in my 2 cents - after you have children any problems you/H has will likely be magnified and can become unbearable. Then, not only do you have to deal with H's problems, so do your kids. Be thankful you do not have children with this man and find someone who is NORMAL (they do exist, I promise!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusa Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 After a short confrontation and lots of lying in his part he finally confesed to sleeping with many escorts (even before we got married) and spending tons of money on strippers, porn sites, porn videos, and alcohol. All while I worked two jobs and worked long late night shifts in order to give us a better life. All of the sudden he is loooking for sex addicion help, searching for God, seeking out my family for support - I dont know if he is truly sorry... After 10 years of a relationship I cannot explain how it feels to have worked so hard to build something that is a lie.....in a matter of hours everything is gone, relationship, job, house, peace of mind, etc. Is it weird or normal that I have not felt anger or hate up to this point? maybe everything is too fresh and once I leave and reality sets in I will get those feelings. So I leave my so called home tonight to start fresh and to get some peace of mind... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusa Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Did u get out? Link to post Share on other sites
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