Thinking of leaving verbally/physically abusive husband of 6 years

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

I don't normally visit discussion boards, but since I would like some input from others, I thought I'd start here. I'm 33 and I've been with my husband for 6 years. I have always known that he experienced an extremely unusual childhood with a combination of constant physicial and verbal abuse from his father (daily) and an over-doting very needy mother. My husband was slightly verbally abusive when I met him, but I (probably stupidly) didn't think it would get worse. When he got mad, he would say mean, hurtful things. I grew up in a very peaceful well-balanced family and had never experienced this kind of verbal "slaughtering." But, the verbal abuse was very rare at the beginning of our relationship.

 

Fast forward 6 years and 2 children later...Like a typical "abuser" my husband will be brutally verbally abusive for a day or two...according to him I am an idiot, a moron, a bitch, worthless, look like a small rodent, and of course, I am so fortunate to be blessed with him, someone who is so intelligent, "fun", and earns a lot of money. He is 100% certain (or at least puts forth) that he is much more intelligent, wiser, more capable, etc than me. Anything I do is subpar and everything he does deserves a gold medal. For those of you who have experienced verbal abuse, you know how bad it can be...and how sad.

 

Then, he will be ULTRA nice for days, weeks, even months. He will buy me whatever I want and compliment me all the time. During the past 6 years, he has beaten me 2 times. The first time was not so bad, but the second was horrible and involved punching me in the face, stomach, and repeatedly kicking me. He has also slapped our daughter in the face several times and pulled her ears. Typically, he does no housework, does not feed the children, does not pay any attention to the children unless I ask him to, and if I were to simply take care of all of the family's needs without asking him to help, he would never offer to help. Right now he is in one of his "nice" moods, so I feel guilty about thinking about leaving him.

 

But looking at him and being with him has started to make me physically ill. I am constantly nervous around him and there is never a moment I desire to be near him. At the same time, I care deeply for him and do not want to hurt him by leaving. I know in some weird way he loves me and the children. I also don't like the idea of complicating my childrens' lives more. For those of you offering advice to see a therapist - I am already seeing one and my husband will NEVER NEVER NEVER see a therapist no matter what - even if I threaten to leave. He sees it as weak and disrespectful to onesself. I have no qualms about loosing my husbands friends or family because I hate them all. I have never met such unually abnormal people in all my life.

 

To complicate things, an ex-bf just reappeared in my life. We have not done ANYTHING initimate and have NOT dated because I am simply not willing or ready to complicate my life even more right now. We have met in social situations and have spoken on the phone several times. This ex-bf and I were separated due to circumstances, not fighting, and we still have deep feelings for one another. Before we were separated, we spent 2 great years together. He is NICE, respectful, handsome, a wonderful father to his son, and did I mention NICE? Since we parted, he has also been through a failed relationship and has 1 child. BUT of course I am wondering if meeting this ex-bf again has made me more likely to leave my husband. I want to be able to leave my marraige with the thought that I would have left regardless of whether this ex-bf was a possibility for me.

 

My husband and I have not been intimate for over 2 years and the thought of being intimate with someone is a very nice thought to me. I just simply have no idea what to do. By the way, I have a very good job and carry all of the benefits (health insurance, etc), so monetary and other things like the house, cars, etc are not very important to me.

Thanks so much for your input. If anyone out there has been through a similar experience, I would love to hear about it.

Nicole

[Moose]

You've just explained my Mom's and Step Dad's relationship down to a tee.

 

Get out, and get out now. For the love of your children please get out!!!

 

I'm not for divorce at all unless there is infidelity, but I can almost promise you that your husband has dabbled in it.

 

The physical abuse should not be tolerated either. Pack up and leave!!!! Please!

[Ugh]

I can totally relate - I am in the same situation - no kids tho and no super nice times in between. What I think is so interesting from your post is the same thing I struggle with - hurting HIS feelings for leaving. Did they ever think of our feelings while treating us so poorly?

 

I am in the in-between stage. Left home and stayed elsewhere for about 1-1/2 mos. then back for a couple of weeks for holidays now feeling stuck on getting out again. It is a hard deal for sure! Hang in there.

 

I am sure that the ex-bf is not helping your decision - but sometimes I think we just need that extra push. My only advise is to not rush into anything after leaving your husband - you need time for you!

[Ladyjane14]

Why in the world would you reopen communications with an old boyfriend if your husband already has a history of domestic violence?

That doesn't even make rational sense. What do you think he's going to do when he catches on that you're talking to this guy?

 

Seriously... you need to take all this up with your therapist immediately if not sooner. Your behavior is reckless given the circumstances.

 

You are certainly on good moral ground to leave a husband who beats you.

That's a given. Personally, I'm completely intolerant of physical abuse and would recommend that ANYONE living with an abuser seek help by contacting their local domestic violence hotline. If you determine that what you need to do is leave... protect yourself and your children by arranging a safe transition.

 

In the meantime, keep your nose clean and don't escalate your situation.

[Guest]

Why in the world would you reopen communications with an old boyfriend if your husband already has a history of domestic violence?

That doesn't even make rational sense. What do you think he's going to do when he catches on that you're talking to this guy?

 

Seriously... you need to take all this up with your therapist immediately if not sooner. Your behavior is reckless given the circumstances.

 

You are certainly on good moral ground to leave a husband who beats you.

That's a given. Personally, I'm completely intolerant of physical abuse and would recommend that ANYONE living with an abuser seek help by contacting their local domestic violence hotline. If you determine that what you need to do is leave... protect yourself and your children by arranging a safe transition.

 

In the meantime, keep your nose clean and don't escalate your situation.

 

If it tough to think clearly when someone is going through something like that but the important thing to remember is YOU CAN AND SHOULD LEAVE someone like that - and you don't stick around to tell them or worry about hurting their feelings - you reach out and have someone remove u and family from that situation immediately.

 

I just had to do that with my sister in Windsor. She is now elsewhere and I talk with her and make sure she does not go back. As for worrying about someone like that - I have been in situations where I've had to deal with boys like that and they are easy to handle. I've done it three times in my life and never had a problem. SO, IF U ARE IN DANGER - ALWAYS REACH OUT.

[anna13]

I would have to say , leave your husband behind . It isnt about therapy for him , this is who he is , an abuser . He will hurt you and your children always .this is an example for some perspective.. some people couldnt even imagine hurting a cute little puppy , others will kick puppies and set them on fire ( saw that on the news a few years back, i was in shock ) . there is such a thing as a good person and a bad person . therapy doesnt help someone who is not a good person . get out and save your life . If not you will spend the rest of your years unhappy and in fear. sometimes when people act nice for a certain amount of time it doesnt mean that they regret what they did . It could definitly be that they are very aware of how to act to get what THEY want. please be carefull and make sure he cant find out that you have been on here. take care.

[Citizen Erased]

If it wasn't bad enough he has attacked you, he has now hit one of your children. NOW is the time to leave. If you couldn't do it for yourself then at least do it for your children. Because it will get worse and worse case scenario is he "accidentally" kills either you or your children because he went too far.

 

The only reason he is nice to you in the little spurts is so he can have the control over you. You are at your weakest when he is abusive and he knows if he is nice you are stronger and more likely to leave him so he uses guilt. It doesnt matter. He does not want to change so you need to leave. It is not healthy for you or your children to be living with him, pysically and mentally.

 

Pack up your stuff and leave. Surely you have witnesses to the abuse? Your neighbours? A friend? Is your daughter old enough to deal wth telling the police of the attack? You will need a restraining order because it will give you a far better chance to gain custody if you can prove abuse. Just leave for your safety.

 

Good luck.

[jmargel]

Nicole,

 

You need to seperate your marriage and your ex-bf coming back into your life. IMO talk to your therapist about it, but I would recommend that you tell your ex-bf that you really need time alone with what you are going through, especially since you still have feelings for him. Give it 6 months. During that 6 months, no contact with the ex-bf. Also during that time, if you feel that you would be best served by moving out and starting a divorce, then do it.

 

Don't feel guilty about leaving him, especially since he refuses to goto counseling. You can only do so much, and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Often abused people become abusers. My ex-fiancee was that way. I also notice it with my wife, but I have learned from my mistakes with my ex and have gotten help on how to deal with my wife when she gets into her moods.

 

If you fear your husband, call the domestic relations department at your courthouse and ask if there are any programs you can get involved in and ask for their advice. Here in Pennsylvania, they have a 'Women in Transistion' which helps women in your type of situation.

 

If you want to go forward with this divorce I would also contact a lawyer as well. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, just that your heart has been neglected. You will get through this, just take things day by day.

[amaysngrace]

Because it will get worse and worse case scenario is he "accidentally" kills either you or your children because he went too far.

 

 

My big decision to leave my husband was when it was pointed out to me by my counselor that if I stay I will raise an abuser. My son.

 

I also had a great fear that my daughter would grow up to marry one.

 

I knew I couldn't change their pasts but by God I was determined to change their futures.

[Guest]

My big decision to leave my husband was when it was pointed out to me by my counselor that if I stay I will raise an abuser. My son.

 

I also had a great fear that my daughter would grow up to marry one.

 

I knew I couldn't change their pasts but by God I was determined to change their futures.

 

 

Thank you all for your posts. This one struck me the most - I also do not want my son to become an abuser. Thing is - even if I divorce, my son will still be exposed to my husband and could become an abuser anyway. From what I know, extreme verbal abuse is difficult to prove and is not taken into account for child custody. Sad.

 

I think a person who is abused, as strange as it may sound to those who have never been abused, needs validation that she/he is really being abused. When one is being abused, at least for me, their personal world does not correlate with the outside world. It's as if I am living in an alternate reality at home.

[amaysngrace]

Thing is - even if I divorce, my son will still be exposed to my husband and could become an abuser anyway.

 

This is true. It could happen anyway and of that you have no control. But you do have control of the amount of exposure your children have to abuse. Remaining in that environment just makes the odds greater that they will continue the pattern somehow.

 

Being abused is horrible. Think of what you go through and you're a grown woman. This was your choice to marry this guy. The kids only have you two to make choices for them.

 

He's not doing a good job. It's all up to you.

 

But I agree it's tough when you are in the victim mentality. Your esteem has been picked away for six years. Knowing what's real and what isn't is very tricky. Somehow victims get caught up in the cycle as well. Not by choice but it somehow does happen.

 

You like to pretend things aren't as bad as they are because you hope so desperately for the permanency of the good times he offers. It just won't ever happen. The cycle doesn't get stuck in honeymoon. It goes around and around and will continue to do so until someone breaks it.

 

That someone is you.