What do I make of this?

[Scott]

Hello everyone...this is my first posting so please be gentle!

 

I would like some opinions and input on the situation my relationship currently is in...any advice, insights, or comments would be appreciated.

 

I've been involved in a relationship with this woman for 11 mos. now. When we met, she was in the process of going through a divorce and was seperated from her husband. We took our time getting to know each other and didn't even go out on our first real "date" until 3 mos. later. Over time we became closer as we discovered that we shared many of the same interests, beliefs, and life values.

 

Then about 2 1/2 mos. ago she moved closer to where I am living, so needless to say, we began doing more things together and spending more time together.

 

About a month ago, the prodeedings in her divorce started to escalate and it hit her like a ton of bricks! It was as if she really had not dealt with it emotionally until that time. I had been thinking the reason she seemed so "together" was because she had "emotionally detatched" from her soon-to-be-ex but now appears that was not the case. So, she has begun to talk to a therapist about dealing with it.

 

However, at the same time all this hit her, she started backing away from me. Now I understand she has a lot of issues she is dealing with and all but I still have some questions about what has been going on.

 

She says that she still wants me in her life and wants a relationship, but she never seems to be willing to share her time with me or make any plans with me, even though she is on the go constantly with friends (male and female), her sister, etc. When I do talk to her, and ask her what she has been up to or where she has been. She says I'm "smothering her" and that she feels like I'm checking up on her. I am not. I ask because I honestly like to know what is going on in her life and because I am genuinely concerned for her, as she has told me that she has had "reckless" Impulses lately of steering her car across the center line, racing through traffic, etc!!! She also has said that she feels I take everything she says too seriously and that she feels like she can't be herself sometimes. She says that she wants to "spread her wings" and not be accountable to anyone, and to have the freedom to go out with other men if asked to a nice restaurant or something similar but that she would pay her own way. (still a date to me!) I should also add that during this last month there has been very little physical contact with each other (i.e. kissing, hugs, cuddling, etc)

 

So...I guess my questions are these: is she trying to tell me that she wants to see other people?...could this be simply her dealing with the "demons" of going through a divorce and the depression that goes along with it? when she says she needs time and space is she really trying to keep me at a distance? why is she reluctant to tell me what she's been up to? (we used to talk about these kinds of things all the time) should I continue to give her the love and support that I have been giving (or trying to give) or should I cut my losses?

 

I know from my own experiences that being involved in a relationship when you are going through or in the aftermath of a divorce or relationship is not USUALLY a good thing. But honestly, I really felt for all these months that she was very well adjusted and that in our case, the "no relationships" thing didn't really apply...after all for 10 mos. everything between us was very "normal" or typical.

 

If anyone would care to shed some light, offer their thoughts & recommendations on my situation, I would greaqtly appreciate it. I love this wonderful woman very deeply...so much so that if it would help her to cope by my getting out of her life, I would do it. Whats that saying about setting something free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you?

 

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice

[Richie]

I don't understand when someone says "I need time and space to sort things out". If she has problems, she should come to the people she loves. Right? If she wants to go away from the people, then you are the problem or she doesn't love you really. If she asks for time and space. Give her whole U.S. and considerable time. But reduce your expectation to 50%. In most of the cases, it becomes hopeless when someone says "i need time...".

 

I appreciate your love for her. But remember, love should be like "Two-way traffic", not one-way. Be the first one to give love. If you don't get back, give it where you will get it.

 

Take care,

 

Richie

[Em]

Hello,

 

I know you care for this woman, and you seem to know a lot about her, but did you ever take into consideration why her previous marriage didn't work? Could it be for some of the same reasons why she wants to end a relationship with you? Unfortunately she sounds like she has issues, and thankfully she is getting some help, but it sounds like you have done all you can at this time. You have made it clear that you would be there for her, but she seems to not be ready. It may be good to just tell her that you'll be there for her any time she needs you, but she can't keep going back and forth with you like she is. Good luck with everything, and above all, do what YOU feel is right for YOURSELF! Take care.

 

Em

[AZKIDD]

Well Scott I think your last statement pretty much summed it up. That classic line "I need some space", Means exactly this- "I can't have my cake and eat it too if you are around". Also because she is just getting out of a divorce, she is most definately having feelings of being "free". She will want to explore her options. I know it is the hardest thing to do when you care about someone, to not want to be around them, but the only real choice you have is to back off. Infact back way off, otherwise what will happen is she will feel like you are "keeping" her from doing what she wants, and the thing is when a woman wants to do something, she does. It's better to let her get it out of her system now, as apposed to if you two were to get more serious. One other thing you should do is don't let her play you! She more than likely has you right where she wants you. She does what she pleases and calls you at her convenience, and when she does call and says "jump". You don't ask how high until the way up. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to belittle you, infact I think it shows how much she means to you, but if you let her do that things will never change. The reason I replied to this is because when I read your post, I couldn't believe it. If I just changed the names and dates, it would have been my situation about a year and a half ago! Just to let you know I'm not with her now, because her "space" turned out to be cluttered with more than me! Good Luck AZKIDD