And now...

[chryssy83]

Quick background: break up three weeks ago, his doing. I told him we could talk about it, he said no. He thought if we couldn't get engaged (which he doesn't want to do right now) we should break up. Relationship was 3.5 years.

 

Since then...I called him once. He called back; has called twice since, and sent me a text. This morning's call was to ask for my address. Said he had been waiting all morning until he knew I would be up to call from work.

 

What is that? Apparently he's sending something here....any thoughts about what it could be/what I should do?

[chryssy83]

C'mon people...I'm going crazy here!!!

[CaliGuy]

Be patient for one thing. Stop stressing about things you aren't in control over.

 

Most importantly, be confident, self-assured and be a prize.

 

He's confused and that right now is your advantage. Wait patiently. If he wants you neither hell nor high water will stop him from finding you and telling you.

 

Until then, enjoy life, be happy, go out with friends, go to the gym, work on hobbies, etc.

[miss snoopy]

Well I have no idea what he might be sending - how come he doesn't know your address? Did you give it to him?

 

If you want to do strict no contact then no, he can't have your address. Can't he find you if he really wants to? Seems he's just loking for excuses to continue contact. By not responding, you're effectively telling him to get lost and how will he get this message if you text or call him with your address?

 

Maybe he's realised he's losing you and he's trying to hold on for dear life? Or he feels guilty? Confused?

[chryssy83]

He knows where I live, just not the apartment number because he never really sent me mail. I still haven't gotten anything yet, so apparently it wasn't flowers. Yes, I gave him the number and acted like people call me all the time to ask for my address...ha.

 

The only way to get it without asking would be to drive down here and check the number on the door. It's a four hour drive.

 

I don't want strict no contact...I want to get back together. But I have only initiated contact one time since the break up, and then he picked up on his own.

 

I'm sure he does feel guilty...but would that alone be enough to make him send something here? This is all totally new territory for me...I'm trying not to get my hopes way up, but he sounded happy on the phone when he asked for the address (like a kid who has a secret).

[lorr]

He knows where I live, just not the apartment number because he never really sent me mail. I still haven't gotten anything yet, so apparently it wasn't flowers. Yes, I gave him the number and acted like people call me all the time to ask for my address...ha.

 

The only way to get it without asking would be to drive down here and check the number on the door. It's a four hour drive.

 

I don't want strict no contact...I want to get back together. But I have only initiated contact one time since the break up, and then he picked up on his own.

 

I'm sure he does feel guilty...but would that alone be enough to make him send something here? This is all totally new territory for me...I'm trying not to get my hopes way up, but he sounded happy on the phone when he asked for the address (like a kid who has a secret).

 

Look your boyfriend broke up with YOU, 3 weeks ago. YOU wanted to talk about it with him, and he did not. YOU do not want strict NC, as YOU want him back.

 

From what I'm seeing here its YOU that wants something out of a relationship that is clearly over as opposed to him.I'm sorry to say but you really need to stop pursuing matters and leave him alone. If he deep down wanted to be with you, he would, and like what Caliguy quite rightly states"hell nor high water will stop him from finding you and telling you".

 

By going NC, he will realise that you mean business, and that you are not going to be some pushover. This is where you should be taking the time to assess and evaluate the relationship for what it really is.

 

He may eventually contact you,(and majority of the time they always do) but by then you will have more of an insight of whether he is serious about starting afresh with you, or whether he is contacting you out of guilt.

 

[chryssy83]

Lorr, I appreciate the response but I'm confused. I contacted him once. All these other contacts were from him. By strict NC, you're saying I'm not supposed to talk to him if he calls me?

 

I get the hell and high water thing...but I don't know why he would ever have thought based on the original breakup scene we could ever talk. I'm not saying I would just take him back if he showed up here, either. Stuff apparently needs to change or he'll just leave again.

 

I'm not pursuing matters now....He's been contacting me, when he wants to. I have talked to him and I responded to his request for my address by giving it to him. I have also been out with someone else several times this week (although I think that's over).

 

He may eventually try to contact me? He already did. And apparently now he's planning to send something to my apartment. I didn't ask him to do that, and he doesn't have anything that belongs to me, so I'm a little confused and wanted people to help me think this thing through. Posting here is part of the reason I haven't been contacting him all over the place.

 

Lorr, when you wrote your post, did you just not realize he's the one who has been calling me or is there something I'm missing?

[CaliGuy]

NC does mean not replying, at least not for a while. They'll be persistent if they really want you. If you reply to every attempt at contact then they know "Hey, she's still on the hook!"

 

If that is the impression you want to give then do reply to all his attempts at contact.

[chryssy83]

Caliguy--

 

I was thinking next time I'd just let the call go to voicemail. But do you mean I shouldn't return it ever? Why would any guy keep calling if I didn't return his calls?

 

The thing is, I NEVER do that to anyone. And since I think his insecurity is such a big part of this, I think if I didn't return a call he'd immediately think the worst and be less likely to call again.

 

I figured if he calls again I'll just let it go to voicemail and either call him late that night (like I just got in from something) or maybe the next day.

 

I don't think I'd want to date someone who kept calling whether I returned his calls or not.

 

Can you explain more about what you mean?

 

Chrys

[lorr]

Quick background: break up three weeks ago, his doing. I told him we could talk about it, he said no. He thought if we couldn't get engaged (which he doesn't want to do right now) we should break up. Relationship was 3.5 years.

 

Since then...I called him once. He called back; has called twice since, and sent me a text. This morning's call was to ask for my address. Said he had been waiting all morning until he knew I would be up to call from work.

 

 

What is that? Apparently he's sending something here....any thoughts about what it could be/what I should do?

 

Sorry Chryssy83 but I am getting a little confused here. You start of the thread saying that he dumped you 3 weeks ago(a very short space of time), and that you tried to talk things over and he said no. You then go on to say that you initiated contact first, and since then he's been calling/texting etc.

On the same thread you state that you do not want to do strict no contact as you still want him back.

 

You are making it far too easy and too available for your ex to contact you whenever he feels like it.Caliguy is right again. The whole point of NC is that you give YOURSELF space and time to distance yourself from this breakup.

He broke up with you, and IMHO there is no relationship from this point on. You are not obligated to return his calls, voice/text messages.

 

If he truly wants to be with you, then he will go out of his way to do so. Regardless of whether you decide not to contact him for weeks, months or years.For me a few phonecalls/text/voice/email messages just doesn't cut it.

 

He knows where you live, so I'm sure that if he wanted to work things out with you, you would find his arse on your doorstep.

 

The best revenge is to live life well and move on. Once you start occupying yourself with hobbies, work, etc. He will eventually realise that you have gone out of your way not to contact him, and as I've said before(they always get in contact when you least expect it).

 

 

[chryssy83]

When would this no-contact stop? When he does something "worthy" of contact? What would that action be?

 

I'm legitimately confused. Earlier people said "oh be light and airy when he contacts you" and now you're saying I shouldn't even have answered the phone?

 

How is ignoring his calls going out of my way not to contact him?

[CaliGuy]

When would this no-contact stop? When he does something "worthy" of contact? What would that action be?

 

I'm legitimately confused. Earlier people said "oh be light and airy when he contacts you" and now you're saying I shouldn't even have answered the phone?

 

How is ignoring his calls going out of my way not to contact him?

 

 

About the only thing you ever want to hear from an ex when they break contact is "I screwed up, I made a huge mistake and want to try again."

 

Otherwise, what is the point of contact at all? Most of the time when an ex contacts you is to keep you as their "back up plan", to make sure you are still on a string in case their other options fail.

 

There's a great quote in my signature that addresses that issue.

 

"Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as a option."

[chryssy83]

How would you know he's going to say he screwed up, etc. if you don't talk to him?

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy--

 

I was thinking next time I'd just let the call go to voicemail. But do you mean I shouldn't return it ever? Why would any guy keep calling if I didn't return his calls?

 

Because he would realize he is losing you for good. That's more than likely in situations where a second chance is possible that an ex will straighten up and come correct. Maintiaining contact with them feeds their emotional needs (keeping you on a string) while not meeting yours (giving you false hopes of a reconcilliation).

 

The thing is, I NEVER do that to anyone. And since I think his insecurity is such a big part of this, I think if I didn't return a call he'd immediately think the worst and be less likely to call again.

 

Well then he isn't serious about you if one returned phone call means he gives up now is he?

 

I figured if he calls again I'll just let it go to voicemail and either call him late that night (like I just got in from something) or maybe the next day.

 

You're a busy woman with a busy life. You can't always return phone calls at the drop of a dime, right? Why are you so concerned about him instead of you?

 

I don't think I'd want to date someone who kept calling whether I returned his calls or not.

 

Can you explain more about what you mean?

 

Chrys

 

I mean be a prize. Play a little hard to get. Be a challenge. This guy made the choice to dump you. If you just give him all your attention right away he's going to know that it's OK to treat you like crap because you will come running back at any time.

 

Think about your sense of self-respect. Anyone that can walk away from you that easily well, I have a hard time believing they truly love you.

 

NC is meant for your healing. It's not meant to punish an ex (that's a by-product of NC but not the main reason). It's very selfish of him to break up with you then continue to contact you and keep your hopes up. All it's going to do is keep you down in the dumps and delay your healing.

 

If he really wants you he will be persistent in contacting you. If he doesn't continue to contact you if you don't return every call then you know for a fact all he wanted to do was keep his options open with you. It means he doesn't have your best interest in mind, only his.

 

This isn't the behavior of a man capable of having a healthy, lasting relationship.

 

What's more important in your life, YOU or HIM?

[chryssy83]

I don't know about this...

 

We've broken up and gotten back together before and I never had to ignore him.

[Tox]

Caliguy.

 

I read somewhere here about strict NC and NC lite/Reduced Contact i.e. falling off the face of the earth not returning jack as opposed to returning some calls and texts and ignoring most(if you want them back)

You seem like a bright guy, what's your opinion on that?

[CaliGuy]

I don't know about this...

 

We've broken up and gotten back together before and I never had to ignore him.

 

That's because he knows you'll take him back quite easily.

 

He doesn't respect you.

[Guest]

i am smart, but keeping the heart still is one tough task

 

ok...trying again

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy.

 

I read somewhere here about strict NC and NC lite/Reduced Contact i.e. falling off the face of the earth not returning jack as opposed to returning some calls and texts and ignoring most(if you want them back)

You seem like a bright guy, what's your opinion on that?

 

I don't believe in "NC Lite" or "reduced contact" simply because they defeat the purpose of NC in general which is to allow time for you to heal and move on.

 

If you are using NC as a means to manipulate them back into your life, odds are you are going to be sorely disappointed. It's no different than pining over them, you just aren't letting them know that.

 

If someone really wants you, NC, NC Lite, Reduced contact, etc won't matter. They will find you and they will make it clear they want to be with you again. It doesn't matter how long you have been broken up.

 

See, people who truly love you won't walk away from you so easily and if they can, why would you want that kind of drama in your life. The first time the crap hits the fan they're going to walk.

 

To me, it really tells me something about the character of someone who walks away at the first sign of trouble. They have no heart, no b*lls and certainly do not understand love.

 

There is no sure fire way to win someone back. What someone else does is completely out of your control. The only thing you have control over in your life is you and the here and now. You can't change the past and you have very little control over the future.

 

I have found that of the people who ended up getting back together, one or both of them changed positively in the time away. So in that sense, I would be focusing my time on self-improvement and figuring out why I want this person so badly and what can they give me that someone else can not? My guess is nothing.

 

Yes, you love them. But I also agree "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

 

That's the long-winded version of my answer, yes but I think it clearly defines my stance on NC. Never use it as a means to win them back. Use it as a means to win your confidence and self-esteem back. Without it, no second chance would work anyway.

[chryssy83]

Caliguy.

 

I read somewhere here about strict NC and NC lite/Reduced Contact i.e. falling off the face of the earth not returning jack as opposed to returning some calls and texts and ignoring most(if you want them back)

You seem like a bright guy, what's your opinion on that?

 

This is more like what I was thinking. Strict NC seems a little harsh after 4 years and a split when we reached the point of dealing with marriage.

[chryssy83]

I don't believe in "NC Lite" or "reduced contact" simply because they defeat the purpose of NC in general which is to allow time for you to heal and move on.

 

If you are using NC as a means to manipulate them back into your life, odds are you are going to be sorely disappointed. It's no different than pining over them, you just aren't letting them know that.

 

If someone really wants you, NC, NC Lite, Reduced contact, etc won't matter. They will find you and they will make it clear they want to be with you again. It doesn't matter how long you have been broken up.

 

See, people who truly love you won't walk away from you so easily and if they can, why would you want that kind of drama in your life. The first time the crap hits the fan they're going to walk.

 

To me, it really tells me something about the character of someone who walks away at the first sign of trouble. They have no heart, no b*lls and certainly do not understand love.

 

There is no sure fire way to win someone back. What someone else does is completely out of your control. The only thing you have control over in your life is you and the here and now. You can't change the past and you have very little control over the future.

 

I have found that of the people who ended up getting back together, one or both of them changed positively in the time away. So in that sense, I would be focusing my time on self-improvement and figuring out why I want this person so badly and what can they give me that someone else can not? My guess is nothing.

 

Yes, you love them. But I also agree "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

 

That's the long-winded version of my answer, yes but I think it clearly defines my stance on NC. Never use it as a means to win them back. Use it as a means to win your confidence and self-esteem back. Without it, no second chance would work anyway.

 

 

I didn't lose my confidence or self esteem. We didn't break up because he didn't want me or because there was something wrong with me.

 

EDIT: Also, no one has given me any feedback about what he wanted my address for or how I should respond if he sends something other than a letter.

[CaliGuy]

I didn't lose my confidence or self esteem. We didn't break up because he didn't want me or because there was something wrong with me.

 

I was addressing Tox's question.

 

Without knowing your whole story, I can't say. Only you are are the best judge of what you must do. You can accept the opinion of others and mull over your options but in the end it's all up to you.

 

Use your best discretion and go from there. I find it hard, after 4 years to just walk away from someone especially if you were talking marriage. If he can do that to you now, do you really think he's going to stick out a marriage with you?

[lorr]

When would this no-contact stop? When he does something "worthy" of contact? What would that action be?

 

I'm legitimately confused. Earlier people said "oh be light and airy when he contacts you" and now you're saying I shouldn't even have answered the phone?

 

 

Chryssy I understand your confusion with NC, but it will only work if you can accept that the relationship is over.I know that you are hurting and you still have feelings for him, and this is totally normal.

But this is the time where you can grieve the relationship fully(cry, scream, get angry, punch the pillows).Taking things one step at a time, and assessing and evaluating the relationship for what it really is.

 

At the moment your feelings for him are still raw, and I can understand that you are panicking, because you are worried that if you ignore him you won't hear from him again.

 

You really have to keep this in mind, that he dumped you. If things were that "wonderful" in the relationship, then he would not have ended things, and would still be with you no matter what the situation.

 

You have a choice you can either let him continously contact you when he feels like it, confusing you in the process whilst questioning his motives.

Or you can let him know, when you hear from him, that it is not a good idea for him to be contacting you at this present moment in time, as you need time to get over the breakup of the relationship.

You'll be surprised how time and space can do positive things for people who are in NC.

 

If it is the latter he will respect you more, and will not hold this against you. Eventually he may contact you in the near future, but by then you should have moved on. This means that if he for example contacted you in 2, 4, 6, 10 months, you behave in a dignified and cordial manner, and that is ONLY if you decide that you are strong enough to talk to him.

[chryssy83]

It was an Ipod...

 

What should I do now?

[Art_Critic]

It was an Ipod...

 

What should I do now?

 

I guess it depends on what you want.. If you want to move on and find another guy that will treat you differently or better then just return the IPOD to him.

 

If you want to get back with him then use this as an olive branch and take it.. Plug the thing in and use it..

but remember that accepting this gift means it comes with strings.. those being that you are getting back together in the future. Yoiu really shouldn't accept the gift if you never want to speak with him again