What do you guys make of this?

[RocketMan]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post, been reading all the great advice all day, its really been cheering me up!

 

So here's my story...

 

Just had a brilliant Xmas with the gf, who ive been seeing for a year and 5 months today Im 21 and shes 18. We got each other loads of really thoughtful and expensive gifts (a big thing for her cos shes skint). We were chatting about the future and just generally getting on fine!

 

Now we havent been brilliant lately, althought weve spent time together it hadnt really been quality time and i know this bothered her. I saw xmas as a turning point and i was making an effort to sort things out - although it appears i was too late

 

The day after boxing day she started ignoring me

 

The next night she tells me she doesnt think our relationship is going anywhere, and ends it. She ignores me for a further two days (during which i wrote her a letter and text her a few times).

 

On saturday she said shed had time to think and would talk to me, so we did, briefly. She said in a very understanding way that she had to end it now, or she never would. She said she was putting 100% effort in but wasnt happy, so she needed to end it. Which as sad as it is, i could probably accept with time.

 

She said that she knew I'd do anything to change the bad things, but still wouldnt give me another chance. She said she loves me, but doesnt feel in love. I cried and pleaded like an idiot, but accepted what she said and we parted on as happy a note as could be expected. As mad as i am at her for ignoring me, i have lots of respect for how she spoke to me. She said she would like to be friends, but she needs a few weeks of NC before we talk (N.B. shes got exams at the mo).

 

 

Now at this point you're probably all thinking, "yeah, its a sad story, but you'll just have to accept it", and I would agree with you. However, I've got this (metaphorical) itch that i just cant leave alone, i have to scratch it!!!!

 

The amount of effort she went to for xmas for me, my family and friends, seems far too much for her to just have been "putting a brave face on for xmas, while planning on ending it". I was really upset on xmas day about my lack of family (most have died recently), and she said to me "dont worry, you're part of our family now" which is possibly the nicest thing anyones ever said to me.

One of her pressies from someone was a toilettries set, and when opening it she said "oh cool, i can leave these at your house!". To me these dont seem like the actions of someone wanting to end it - unless she was in that much denial!?!??!?!

 

Heres the thing...

 

Shes having a really hard time at home, she really doesnt get on with her mum at all and her step dad annoys her too by siding with her mum on unfair things. Shes not enjoying college - for which shes under loads of exam stress at the minute. She hates work, and I've obviously not been making her happy either. She never gets to see her dad and that really upsets her, plus one of her grandparents has had to go into hospital

 

Has she just got so confused with everything that shes got rid of me - without making any serious effort to talk to me about the problems - because she just cant handle it any more?

 

Shes a really closed person and finds it difficult to talk about things that bother her, she bottles things up. I just want to be there for her.

 

The thing is she did something similar to this when we first started going out... Shed just started college and a job and we were getting really serious. She ignored me for a few days while she "sorted her head out". We made up, and she promised shed never ignore me again when she saw how hurt i was

 

Im torn between just accepting its over and moving on, and really trying to be there for her, even though she said she doesnt want me

 

I just dont want to have gotten over her when she realises what shes done

 

Any advice from anyone on this would be really appreciated

[norajane]

You can't read her mind, so you have to take her at her word. If she only needs to clear her head for a while, you'll hear from her. At this point, NC is really your only option.

 

She knows how you feel about her, so you don't have to worry that she's going to forget that or forget you. But if she typically handles stress by withdrawing rather than dealing with the issues, then this is the best thing for her.

 

You do have to try to move on, because she may not come around. If she does come around after you've moved on, you'll be in a much better place to objectively evaluate what she's telling you and whether you two are really right for each other.

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

Same thing happened to me. My bf is 22 and I am 28. Quite an age difference, but we were together for 1.5 years and I grew very bonded to him. I integrated into his family and everyone seemed to adore me

 

Anyways, he too (like your ex) is having family issues and is stuck living at home with them. He hasn't gone to college and seems frustrated and confused as to how to get the ball rolling. He also would work crappy jobs and then quit, making it harder to get the next one.

 

I, being older, have finished college and now work for a major pharma company. I also have a side business and am going to be moving into an apartment on March 1st. Things are somewhat falling into place in my life.

 

When he dumped me, I was crushed. He told me that he didn't see our relationship going anywhere and we are too different. I had absolutely NC with him for a couple weeks and then he started popping up on msn, wanting to meet me for coffee and movies and hang out. He would call me at work when he was upset about something that was going on with his job...and he said that he didn't know who else to call and that I'm the only one in his life who he can talk to.

 

I thought I was okay being friends (and aparently his mentor) but I wasn't. I ended up emailing him and telling him that I want a relationship and he doesn't and that's fine...but I can't be friends right now b/c I'm still emotionally hurt and attached. He called and we talked and he rambled about how his life is going nowhere and he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now...then at the end of the conversation, he said "we'll talk soon".

 

So, in all that rambling, I think that I can shed a bit of light maybe... I think your ex may have just hit her limit in terms of how much stress she can take on. She may love you, but everything seems to be overwhelming. And relationships do entail responsibility. She may just need time to grow up and figure some stuff out...on her own. Maybe she is even a bit co-dependent and was starting to feel bad for even your situation and felt it was another weight on her shoulders. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think she needs her space to figure things out and grow and gain some control over her life. Hopefully she will get it together and learn not to stress out over everything.

 

I hope that made sense

[RocketMan]

Hey Hazel,

 

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Yeah i agree with you, its just a shame

 

She text me last night, first saying "what you upto" and then "i dont blame you for ignoring me, i just need someone to talk to" and then she rang me. i didnt reply or answer.

 

 

do you think shes just wanting sympathy, or is having genuine regrets?

 

 

[suunto]

could be she was searching for something, hoping it was there and maybe didn't find it?

 

buying you the expensive gifts, the comments of being part of her family and toiletries may have just been her sounding it out to see how it felt for her to go further................................. it either didnt' feel too good so its defo over or she went too fast and slammed the brakes for now?

 

i'm not one for NC unncessesaraly (sp ) get above the situation, nip it in the bud, don't go down her road

 

to her text "what you upto" i would have said "hey, bit busy, i'll catch you later then if you want to text her in a few days do it, if not, don't. she dumped you, so you make your own rules.

 

and then "i dont blame you for ignoring me, i just need someone to talk to"

 

hope everything works out but i'm really busy at the minute, i'm so busy i wouldnt have time to ignore you even if i wanted to. lol

 

you don't need to ignore her but you don't need to be dragged down or jump through hoops either

 

i've had this with my ex (she dumped me) and it took one thing for me to see things so clearly, (maybe tell you later)

she would text me at 11pm, ask me stuff then .......................no reply from her

 

same the next night 11.30pm, ask me a question, then.................no reply

i don't play games of tit for tat so i pretty much always reply unless the text is S*** then i don't waste my time, then she will rephrase it and send again:laugh:

oneday i'd left my phone at home, when i got back, i opened the three texts, can't even remember what the first two said now but the third one said, "not texting now are we, well two can play at that tune"

i replied, "wheres your head at saying stuff like that, imagine if i said something like that to you......... not"

she said "it wouldnt' bother me in the slightest" wtf girls just say stuff to see your reaction, don't get caught up with S***

then when i didn't reply to that she sent another at 1am saying am i moody with her (again imo just to get a reaction) i turned my phone off and the next day i text " playing your tune and now being moody? where is your head at, how are you making this stuff up lol

dont' get drawn into stuff, do what you need to for you.

good luck man

[Hazel Eyes]

Well, I can tell you that my ex also calls me from time to time. And each time he sounds pretty sad and lonely. Apparently, he's discovering that the grass isn't all that much greener on the other side. I think he imagined that the single life would bring with it parties and going out with groups of friends and maintaining a busy social calendar. However, it seems that most people are "grown ups" and already have lives full of school, work, significant others and family. My ex-bf is still living in the past when he was in Israel and the "gang" would hang out. Well, there is no more gang, and he is having trouble moving on and growing up...I imagine because it entails a certain level of responsibility that he's not sure he's ready for.

 

So, I think that my ex is lonely. He tells me all the time that I'm the only close person he has in his life and the only one he can talk to. It's really kinda sad and puts me in a weird position. I can continue to talk to him and basically be his mentor, or I can drop it completely and tell him to go away. I'm opting to keep my distance and talk occasionally on the phone. That's it. I won't meet with him. I won't let myself imagine getting together with him anytime soon...mostly because I know that he has a lot of growing up to do and us being "together" right now is ridiculous because nothing has changed.

 

I think that your ex probably misses you. She probably finds that the fact that you care about her is not a dime a dozen. Most people can be kind of self-centered. She's probably tried to give someone else the rundown on her life, only to have them say "anyway, ...". It's important for her to experience that though because only then will she appreciate those who really matter.

 

In regards to her sudden 180, she probably freaked herself out. She probably took on your problems and get stressed out. Then she probably got ahead of herself and started imagining you married with kids, a house, etc. All this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She is probably depressed and making mountains out of mole hills in terms of many things in her life. When my ex did that, he ended up eliminating a lot of people from his life...so much so that now he's by himself.

 

The good thing about keeping distance from your ex (at least in this case) is that it seems to expedite them getting their priorities in order. And they tend to learn to appreciate those people in their lives who really matter. It is sad to see them so lonely, but it is the best gift that you can give them...to let them be with themselves for a while.

 

My ex, in the 2 months since we broke up, has now gotten a job that he likes and that he is motivated to excel in. He is registering for school and buying a new car. He is finally able to get a move-on now that he doesn't have my in front of him as a distraction.

 

I think that the best for you to do is follow your gut. A lot of people will have their opinions, and they are typically tainted with their own experiences and grievances. You can hear whatever you want, it's just a matter of who you ask. So, at the end of the day, do what works for you. And be okay with changing that if you start to feel differently tomorrow. If you want to maintain some type of presence in your ex's life, then talk on the phone. But I'd keep it down to once a week, no more. Give yourself the gift of working on yourself. Stop focusing on what she needs to do and what she is struggling with. You are worthy of your own undivided attention. And as much as you would like to help her figure her "stuff" out, it is only she who can ultimately do that for herself. Don't let yourself get tangled up in her mess, because it will only drag you down.

[RocketMan]

So, I think that my ex is lonely. He tells me all the time that I'm the only close person he has in his life and the only one he can talk to. It's really kinda sad and puts me in a weird position. I can continue to talk to him and basically be his mentor, or I can drop it completely and tell him to go away.

 

Yeah, I really dont want to end up being her mentor

 

I think that your ex probably misses you. She probably finds that the fact that you care about her is not a dime a dozen. Most people can be kind of self-centered.

All her ex's were all players or only interested in one thing. I can remember seeing the look on her face when she first told me she was falling in love with me, i could see the love in her eyes as she told me I was so much different from her ex's, her big puppy dog eyes (((

 

She's probably tried to give someone else the rundown on her life, only to have them say "anyway, ...". It's important for her to experience that though because only then will she appreciate those who really matter.

Her mates are all a bit immature and inexperienced and probably arent offering her advice thats actually of any use to anyone

 

In regards to her sudden 180, she probably freaked herself out. She probably took on your problems and get stressed out. Then she probably got ahead of herself and started imagining you married with kids, a house, etc. All this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She is probably depressed and making mountains out of mole hills in terms of many things in her life.

Thats got to be true, too

 

The good thing about keeping distance from your ex (at least in this case) is that it seems to expedite them getting their priorities in order. And they tend to learn to appreciate those people in their lives who really matter. It is sad to see them so lonely, but it is the best gift that you can give them...to let them be with themselves for a while.

Really? Do you think she will come round? I get the feeling that yeah shes young and doesnt want to be tied down, but she wouldnt be going away for a year and a half. She said "if i dont do this now i never will" like shes using this stress as an excuse to end it now. Do you reckon she'll chnage her mind when the stress is gone? Im just worried shes spending time reinforcing her decision to herself while shes not in a normal state of mind. I also think that shes NCing because if shes talks to me she knows ill change her mind

 

I think that the best for you to do is follow your gut. A lot of people will have their opinions, and they are typically tainted with their own experiences and grievances. You can hear whatever you want, it's just a matter of who you ask. So, at the end of the day, do what works for you. And be okay with changing that if you start to feel differently tomorrow. If you want to maintain some type of presence in your ex's life, then talk on the phone. But I'd keep it down to once a week, no more. Give yourself the gift of working on yourself. Stop focusing on what she needs to do and what she is struggling with. You are worthy of your own undivided attention. And as much as you would like to help her figure her "stuff" out, it is only she who can ultimately do that for herself. Don't let yourself get tangled up in her mess, because it will only drag you down.

Thats really good advice, thankyou so much. Your post has really meant a lot to me Hazel. You obviously spent a lot of time writing that reply and I'm really grateful

 

Im really getting a clearer picture of what i thinks going on now, but I still dont know what to do about it. TIME i know but its so hard when you love someone so much

 

Do you reckon theres ANYTHING i can do other than give it time? Im not the sort of person that can just let things go, and someone said something today which made me realise something about myself... They told me i was most upset because I have no control over this, which is true. Im a problem solver, its always been my mentality and now its my job. I've never had a problem i cant solve, or at least try my best at. Its just this time, im not allowed to try, never mind suceed. And thats whats killing me most. I know that I can fix all her reasons and problems, she just isnt ready for me to, or doesnt want me to

 

Thanks again

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey there, RocketMan,

 

I too, am a compulsive "problem solver" JK, but kinda not... That was one of the problems in my relationship with my ex...I am older and have gone through a lot of what he is now facing. It eventually turned into a situation with him expressing frustration with multiple aspects of his life, and me becoming almost parental in my support of his feelings. The amount of time we spent in this one-sided song and dance was insane. He would try to offer advice to me, and sad enough to say, but usually I was little moved. I was flattered at his attempts to help, but he really had few words of wisdom that I hadn't already told myself. And it wasn't his fault, simply that he was/is younger than me. I think it started to grate on his ego that I was always trying to guide him.

 

I was just trying to help him out, thinking that if he got his life in order a bit, things in our relationship would settle down. I was looking for job openings for him, checking out schools online, etc. It was getting nuts. And the more I tried to offer help, the more his walls came up. You can see how it was like a parent/child relationship in that way. I didn't mean anything but the best for him, but in the end, I couldn't steer his life for him. It was up to him to fall down and make mistakes and make up his own mind. The thing is that when he experiences hardship or misses out on a great opportunity, due to his own mistakes, he learns real quick. Alternatively, when I try to map out his life for him, he learns nothing.

 

I don't know how much time you have of NC with your ex, but it didn't take much solid NC for my ex to start contacting me. I know that it sucks right now, but NC for a good period of time is really good for both of you. First of all, it gives you time to go through your feelings and get it out of your system. Take all that problem solving and get some great achievements under your belt! Second of all, NC from your end shows that you respect her need for personal time and space, uninterrupted by your own needs of her. I think that she will really be impressed that you are thinking of her first when respecting this request she has made of you. If you try to contact her and "work things out", I think she may feel insulted and disrespected, like you are just putting your own needs first...

 

I guarantee that she will pop up again. ALL ex's do. It's weird. And it is usually the one who has more issues that makes an appearance. I had one ex contact me recently...and it had been 8 years! Another has started emailing me and actually apologized for being a crappy boyfriend when we dated...3 years ago! The thing is that when our relationships ended, I was really hurt. My ego was really wounded... But as time has given me detached perspective, I see these people as individuals who don't have anything to offer me. They are riddled with issues and insecurity. And I kind of feel weird that I even dated them to begin with! Needless to say, the rose-tinted glasses have come off!

 

Now, this isn't to say that you are going to find your ex to be as big a dingdong as those 2...but it is possible that with a good deal of time and perspective, you may realize traits about her that didn't jive with you... Maybe you were carrying the relationship and giving all the time and she wasn't really giving back the same amount. Not things, but just interest and attention. You deserve to be pampered by a girl who is as interested in your life as you are in hers!

[RocketMan]

I too, am a compulsive "problem solver" JK, but kinda not... That was one of the problems in my relationship with my ex...I am older and have gone through a lot of what he is now facing.

 

Thats very similar to me. We had a small silly argument once about something and i was trying to advise her and she snapped back "oh you've been there and done everything havent you?" Which at the time stung a bit, but I didnt really think anything of it as she just said it while mad in the argument. But i see what youre saying. I did used to give her lots of advice, and maybe i did come across too strong/controlling I dont think it was as much as in your situation, but I was only trying to help you know? I know she needs to discover things for herself, its happening to me right now. I've realised a lot about myself that i dont like, which i couldnt see before due to naivity or ignorance, that im planning on changing asap!

 

Now, this isn't to say that you are going to find your ex to be as big a dingdong as those 2...but it is possible that with a good deal of time and perspective, you may realize traits about her that didn't jive with you... Maybe you were carrying the relationship and giving all the time and she wasn't really giving back the same amount. Not things, but just interest and attention. You deserve to be pampered by a girl who is as interested in your life as you are in hers!

That is... exactly true. You have basically listed her bad traits lol. She never really did seem overly interested :s Its strange thinking about it now.

 

I can think of bad traits, i just dont want to think bad of her. Even though shes been really horrible to me in the way shes gone about this, i cant help defending her. its sad really. Its like prisoners defending their captors.

 

This has been a real kick in the teeth for me and is making me sort my life out. I just kinda want her to realise that ive changed, and that we can be so happy together.

 

Whats most annoying is that she said to me "im putting 100% in and im still not happy, so its over". And thats just rubbish tbh. She never made an effort to ask me why i was always stressed (with work) or to comfort me. Whenever shed done something to upset me, i could never say anything to her about it as shed manage to turn it round and id end up feeling bad for saying anything! Her apologies were never very meaningful. She was probably putting in 100% fighting her demons and stress, but it just wasnt filtering through to me.

 

She had a real difficulty seeing things from others' perspectives. I spent hours on several occasions getting her to see what shed done/said. Eventually she did, but i shouldnt have to make that effort.

 

Hazel if you dont mind me asking, how old are you?

 

Ive always got on better with people older than myself, i guess ive just always been mature for my age. Im 21 and yeah going out and partying is appealing, but it just doesnt interest me as much as full time girlfriend. I just wish i could meet someone who feels the same

[RocketMan]

She just text me asking what her bloody password is for her internet (which i set up)

 

no "hello" or "how are you, bye the way.."

 

just

 

"Whats my password for the internet?"

 

What planet is she on? Does she think I'm her bloody technical support? She obviously thinks im just sitting around waiting for her to text.

 

Should i reply? If so what do i say? Im mad that she was so blunt, and that she has the cheek to ask me (when she could figure it out for herself if she really wanted).

 

Is this an opportunity to talk to her? i suspect not but how can i use this to my advantage?

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I'm 28 and my ex is 22.

 

In regards to going out, I've already gone out and done all that stuff, so I can relate with you. I've run with a "crew" and gone to bars and clubs. It was fun, but my idea of fun has changed as I've gotten older. I still like to go out, but it is the company that matters most, not the place. My ex still has stars in his eyes about the idea of going out to those places...which is fine b/c he will only progress through that by living it

 

It was another point of contention btwn us though b/c he would want to go out with a bunch of people, and I'd look around the room and know what each person was about...and I wasn't interested. And more frustrating was seeing him give them credence when I knew that they would drop him in a New York minute if they got a better offer somewhere else...I felt bad for him.

 

A lot of my friends are battling with coming to terms with the fact that you can't debate someone into changing or growing up And that's what it seems to come down to. I would try to logically show my ex the consequences of certain actions or being around certain people, and it was pointless. It is validating once he does go through it and I'm right But that is beside the point...

 

I think that you are right in her giving 100%...to herself. Another thing is that people often accuse others of what they themselves do. For instance, sometimes my ex would accuse me of not paying attention or listening to what he had to say...but I think it was he who would most often zone out

 

When we broke up, I made a list of incidents that happened btwn us that left a sour taste in my mouth. Running through them, I got really insulted and mad that they happened...but later realized that they were mostly him being immature. He just wasn't experienced in terms of being in a relationship. He had trouble anticipating the consequences of his actions and what he said because most situations were relatively new to him. And I think that he didn't realize how special I was Also, he often felt that we weren't communicating. I think I just assumed he would know certain things because they were like "Girlfriend 101" things.

 

A lot of the things he did and said were flubs due to him just not knowing. He had one girlfriend before me, but they were teenagers and ran in a group, so I'm not sure how much he really "learned" from that relationship.

 

I'm glad that you are taking this time to reflect on yourself. It is good to learn what you want out of a relationship and what you don't. It's good to be honest with yourself and to be in relationships for the right reason...Don't stay in a relationship because you are bummed that this isn't "the one"...Don't stay b/c you don't want to admit you were wrong in dating the person. The more we are honest with ourselves, the easier it is to steer clear of relationships that aren't right for us.

 

I can pretty much bet that your ex will contact you in the future. It may be tomorrow or well down the road after she and her next bf have broken up. But either way, you will at least have open eyes about your relationship with her. You will know that she isn't mature enough to offer you the type of relationship that you are ready for. But I am willing to put my chips on the possibility that you will be the guy that she compares all future guys to. She will probably trash future relationships b/c she's not over the one she had with you. And you will be doing great and with a great gal, having done the work to face yourself and then move on. I have a feeling that even if she thinks about the relationship, she might not be courageous enough to be honest with herself...

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

She sounds pretty defensive. I think that she is anticipating you blowing her off. She may be trying to act like "I don't care if you reply or not"... Think of when you like a girl and you don't want her to know so you try to act all "whatever" and it just comes across as detached. I think she is just trying to protect herself in case you say "screw you" or simply ignore her. I'm sure she thinks she'd feel stupid if she was all "hey!" and you blew her off...

 

You can respond to her...But it is a game at this point. I would suggest that you do NOT bring up the relationship. She may and then you can respond, but try responding as if you are giving her advice about her relationship with someone else...like a friend. It may make her open up a bit more and not be so defensive...

[RocketMan]

Hey Hazel,

 

Thankyou very much again for your very touching reply. Your words really mean a lot to me, you are clearly a very caring person and whoever you end up with will be very lucky

 

Hey RocketMan,

She sounds pretty defensive. I think that she is anticipating you blowing her off. She may be trying to act like "I don't care if you reply or not"... <snip /> I'm sure she thinks she'd feel stupid if she was all "hey!" and you blew her off...

 

Thats fair enough, but theres no need for a complete lack of manners. Why wouldnt she even say please or excuse me, or sorry to bother you? Why is she just being plain rude?

 

I have a feeling that even if she thinks about the relationship, she might not be courageous enough to be honest with herself...

What do you mean by that?

 

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I completely agree with you in that she was rude and that yes, she should speak better to people. However, the operative word here is "should". She should, but she's not. And I think that she's not being polite b/c it isn't you she's thinking of...it's herself. She is at an age right now where she sees the world in relation to herself. Being young and immature, she has her own set of rules that guide her behavior. She is anticipating how SHE will feel when other people react to her. It's part of being a child. It's a selfish attitude. As we get older, we tend to think more outside ourselves and consider how other people may feel. We develop more empathy as we gain experience and can anticipate better how others may be feeling.

 

I would like to offer a word of caution... I suggest that you don't try to explain to her how her behavior is affecting you. She is operating on a very selfish level right now. If you were to attempt to have an adult discussion about her behavior and how it makes you feel, she might get resentful and see you as attacking her. It will all go back to her. She won't think outside herself in an empathetic way and see your point or lament having upset you. She will automatically feel threatened by the possibility of her resultantly feeling bad or guilty.

 

I think that if she looks at your relationship in her current mindset (from what I know), she won't be honest with herself about her responsibility in the break up. I think that she will just deflect and place blame on everyone but her own self...thereby being dishonest with herself. She'll blame her parents, job, school, ... maybe even you. But if she does blame herself, it probably won't sound very sincere and will come out something like "Yeah, I probably wasn't open with you, BUT...". I think that the only way that she will really be able to have a sincere conversation with you about your relationship and the current state of affairs is AFTER she has done some soul searching. And in order to do that, you have to put your ego aside and be willing to accept responsibility.

 

My personal approach to dealing with my ex has been to be a good person. I am polite. I am a good friend. I am dependable. I don't judge. I accept responsibility for my actions. Basically, I set a good example.

 

Don't react like a parent when your ex acts like a child looking for attention. If she acts nice, appreciate that and be nice too. If she acts immature, tell her that you wish her the best and go NC. Don't feed into her immature games by reacting to what she does and says. She will stop acting like an idiot with you when she realizes that it is a one man show and she's looking like a dolt

[RocketMan]

Ive just remembered something I probably should have mentioned, dont know quite how i forgot this bit....

 

 

She had been really depressed before we split up, and i never managed to get her to tell me why in detail, only that it was work/home/college etc. Thats probably why i lost enthusiasm, because she was always down.

 

When we split up with me she said "you wont let me go away with my mates" and "i want to goto uni" and she said that I dont think she will because i dont have any confidence in her!

 

That is just crazy talk! I told her in the letter i wrote her that thats rubbish (not in those words). I had said a year ago that i was unhappy about her going away because me ex before her had cheated on me and it would be hard for me. She is cleverest, most brilliant girl in the world, who i have the upmost confidence in. I don't know why she thinks that, shes obviously got low self condifence adding to her problems

 

Just thought id add that so you guys can give more informed advice. dn if it makes any difference

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I think I might need more info on this one... What is her situation with school? What is your situation (work/school)? What is your living situation? Sorry for all the questions

[expressolove]

Thanks for the advice Rocketman. I think she is going through a very tough time right now. I don't think it is a situation that you should just move on with. I think she cares very much for you. I think with all of the stress she just needs a little more time to sort things out without the pressure of hurting you by putting taking her time. I think if you will give it time, good things will come.

[RocketMan]

Hey Hazel,

 

Again thankyou so much for your reply. Your words make so much sense to me and are really helping me get confidence back, helping me realise that this was always out of my control and down to her.

 

I've always had low self confidence, I've never really thought of myself as particularly good looking although I obviously managed to pull my ex who was hot I never really recieve compliments or have people chasing me, which is why i think it hurts so much that I've been left. Maybe because im scared it will be hard to find someone else. I've never been one to go out and pull in a club (mainly again because of low self confidence - i wouldnt know how to go about it), I'd prefer showing someone im a nice person and winning them over that way. I seem to have a nack of making people fall in love with me.

 

Its such a nice feeling to know that a complete stranger (you ) can be so selfless in offering me advice and helping me cope. Its helping me realise that there are good people out there, I just need to look I owe you so much, I wish there was some way I could repay you for the help your giving me

 

I think I have come to terms now with the fact that my ex is just not ready for my kind of love. I think now my difficulty lies in getting over the "its a shame" feeling and the "wanting her back". I don't know how to cope with it.

 

I've never been dumped like this before. I've been driven away by insane jealousy (on her part), and ive been cheated on, but not just left because they weren't ready or couldnt handle it. I've always hated my exs which have made it easy to move on. But this time, I love her, and shes gone and I dont know how to deal with it

 

I've tried to think of things about her which I didnt like, but I can't really think of anything with any weight to it (or maybe they do have weight, but I just aren't giving them proper credit).

 

I just keep thinking its such a shame and that I want her back, even thought I know it wont work

[RocketMan]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I think I might need more info on this one... What is her situation with school? What is your situation (work/school)? What is your living situation? Sorry for all the questions

 

Hey, no, you ask away! Im grateful for your replies

 

This threads been going on for quite a few days now and I dont know if you can tell, but my moods been chaning quite a bit.

 

I'm starting today to feel guilty lol. Is this just one of the phases of getting over someone? Im not going to speculate on my reasons for thinking this because my heads such a mess i dont know what im thinking or why im thinking it lol. Its good to let it out tho so i will...

 

One thing she said was that things were great while I was at uni, but since ive started working things have gone downhill, and that our lives arent compatible. At first i was like rubbish! But as my heads clearing I'm starting to see her point. I used to get home from work late and i was always tired so wasnt really up for doing anything energetic, (sex or going out) which im sure she was!

 

She stopped at mine virtually every night for probably a year ish, which must have annoyed her because she couldnt get ready properly. I always took her to college (thats UK speak for 16-18yr old education) or home before work. Before xmas I suggested we moved out when she was telling me how **** her living arrangements are and she was over the moon. Just before xmas i was stressing over whether or not to change jobs, then it was xmas so nothing got sorted. When we broke up she accused me of only saying it to end an argument!!! (which kind of goes against her wanting to be free/single - adding to my confusion :s)

 

She said that she loves me, but doesnt feel in love. Which i can understand because things have gotten difficult, but I'd seen no real sign of it until bang! dumped (there were probably subtle hints, but ladies, men dont get subtleties! just come out and say it for gods sake!!!)

 

N.B. Hazel: i think our replies are getting out of sync with having to wait for moderation and the double posting... I wont make another post till you post acknowledging this litte note, then we'll be back in sync! yay! (see told you i was good at solving problems lol)

[Hazel Eyes]

I'm glad to be able to help! Not only does it feel good that my experiences can help others get through their tough times, but writing is therapeutic for me too

 

It is completely normal to go through different feelings. I'm the same way. One day I feel like everything is coming together with my career, friends and family. And then the next I feel blown away and sluggish. I think it is just the pains of recovering from heartbreak. But I think it is good to just tend to yourself and feel the feelings. If you feel energetic and excited about your life and opportunities, go for it! And if you feel weighed down and unsure, get a DVD, a cup of coffee and curl up on the couch...or whatever you do to pamper yourself. I think it is far more healthy to face your feelings than to run around making yourself busy so as to avoid them. People who do that only end up confronting them as a big slap in the face when they get into their next relationship...usually ruining that opportunity in the process.

 

I think it is totally normal to fear not finding anyone else. I think most people on this site are grappling with that fear...everyone is all confused and upset and clinging to a sub-par mate because they fear that "he/she was it", like "last stop on the train"

 

As I get older and meet guys and date some of them, I more and more come to realize that there is always someone else. It's hard now because you haven't met them yet, but there will be someone. And at least for me, once I'm with someone, all the other relationships are like dreams...or nightmares

 

The good thing about experience is that I'm getting better at sizing people up. Now, I typically just end up dating someone I shouldn't because I was bored/lonely I usually know from a few flags early on that the person is not for me. I am working on not bothering with them and finding other ways to entertain myself.

 

I can understand how you feel with this breakup being so tough. A lot of the ex's I have left much to be desired. They were immature and selfish and basically a bunch of children. And when I think back on them, I still see them as such, so I don't feel like I miss them. I would hope that they grew out of it and became upstanding citizens, but that's not my concern

 

With my recent ex, there wasn't anything blatantly bad about him...he was just too young, inexperienced and immature. It does feel like a shame to let it go, given the good raw materials But I really don't feel like raising my boyfriend. I need a partner. Someone who has experience to draw from and gets me. And I think that you would probably feel the same way.

 

My ex has been calling me just about every day (as of this week). He invited me to Passover in April and always drops hints about spending time together. BUT, I just take it with a grain of salt. I'm not sure if I will see him, b/c as of right now, I have a lot of feelings I'm sorting through and I don't want to set myself back to START. It's been a lot of work to get to this point in the healing process, and seeing him for a moment is not worth the payout.

 

Talking to my ex has been okay (on the phone), but now that we are talking a bit more (as in daily), he is starting to sound lost in his head again. He's losing focus and rambling. And that feeling of not connecting with him is very reminiscent of parts of our relationship. And I guess it serves as a reminder as to how he hasn't changed, though he might be chang-ING. I wouldn't want to be his girlfriend right now because he hasn't grown up (enough). We would be back to where we were. And I don't want to start this breakup fiasco again.

 

My story and yours are similar in that both of us are into our career startup part of our lives whereas our ex's are still in the gate. My ex is trying to get enrolled in a tech school as an electrician and is working under one at the moment. He is tired all the time and stuck living at home and unhappy with the situation. I, on the other hand, have done school, worked my way up from the bottom, and am in the company of some great friendships and a blossoming career. I remember my ex, when he was in between jobs, got annoyed that I had to be on my laptop (I work as a project manager at a pharma company AND run a side business). I think I was doing accounting crap at the time, but I couldn't "play" with him. And I didn't like being made to feel guilty about it. My ex told me that we are not compatible b/c our lives are so different and apparently, I talk to him too "professionally"...like he's a client. But it's how a speak. I like to be clear and communicate and solve problems and hear people out. I kind of think that the more together I was, the worse it made him feel and the more inadequate he became in his own eyes.

 

I know that my ex is in this big analyzing mode right now...b/c he usually drops a comment about it on the phone. He seems to be realizing how I as right on a lot of stuff. But I think he may be over analyzing. Like he made some comment about how he was shocked to know I smoke (once in a blue moon and usually if I'm really nervous/upset). It made me uncomfortable to be judged like that. I didn't say anything, and he apologized if he made me uncomfortable with the comment. But I think it really drove home the notion that he is really a kid. He is still trying to get ahold of how to talk to people and get experience in judging how people will react. I think the take-away is that we would often butt heads and I'd get my feelings hurt b/c he would say something immature and short-sighted. Just part in parcel of dating someone immature I guess.

 

Well, I'm off to meet up with my friend, Kerry. She's been a good set of ears for me lately, as I've been with her. If only I could find a boyfriend at the same level as my friends

[RocketMan2]

Thanks for the advice Rocketman. I think she is going through a very tough time right now. I don't think it is a situation that you should just move on with. I think she cares very much for you. I think with all of the stress she just needs a little more time to sort things out without the pressure of hurting you by putting taking her time. I think if you will give it time, good things will come.

 

 

Do you REALLY think so? I hope so so much, but clutching at straws and wishful thinking is probably just delaying my pain?

 

Ive got equally powerful thoughts for both wanting her back and knowing its best to be over. Its that she said she still loves me that i think theres hope

 

P.S. ive got this new account 'cos the other one wouldnt confirm

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I think that you are right to feel hesitant about placing your chips on the bet that your ex will have a change of heart and want back in the relationship... I understand the opposing feelings you have of equally wanting and not wanting the relationship. I think you probably would like the relationship with her under the conditions that she has truly turned over a new leaf. At least I feel that way.

 

Alternatively, I think that it is a win-win situation if you work on yourself and building your own life. Work on your career and goals, build new friendships and enjoy those you already have, etc. If you raise the bar of your life, and she doesn't come up to par, then I think that you will pass on a relationship with her should she propose the idea.

 

There was a book I read, forget what it was called, but it was talking about relationships that aren't satisfying. They compared them to food. Imagine that you have a fantastic meal before you...and the doorbell rings. It's a pizza guy trying to hawk this old, crappy pizza that he has left over. Well, you are not going to want the crappy, un-fulfilling pizza now that you have what you really enjoy...However, if you were sitting there at home with nothing to eat and the pizza guy comes 'round, you might be more inclined to take whatever you can get.

 

It's kind of the same way with relationships. If you feel fulfilled by your relationships with others, then you won't be interested in even entertaining the idea of a crappy one...However, if you are starving for a relationship and feel empty, you might be more inclined to take whatever comes your way...knowing full-well that it won't be truly satisfying. So, the take-away is that the more fulfilled you feel with the relationships you have with those in your life (friends, family, etc.), the less inclined you will be to settle

[forreasonsunknown]

what the hell is the point of coming around when it's the wrong time. women need to stop playing freakin games and listen for once. and on top of that they always leave for the wrong reasons. god forbid someone loves and cares about you, why dont you just go and dump them and get with some loser who doesn't ****ing care about you, because that seems to be the ****ing trend lately. i hope you move on and she comes back and you have her where she has you. that's how i feel about my situation. sometimes it feels like i'd be better off dead because then she'll realize.

[RocketMan2]

what the hell is the point of coming around when it's the wrong time. women need to stop playing freakin games and listen for once. and on top of that they always leave for the wrong reasons. god forbid someone loves and cares about you, why dont you just go and dump them and get with some loser who doesn't ****ing care about you, because that seems to be the ****ing trend lately. i hope you move on and she comes back and you have her where she has you. that's how i feel about my situation. sometimes it feels like i'd be better off dead because then she'll realize.

 

I really dont know whether to give up or not. What do u make of the situtation. Do you really think she means its over?

 

Im going insane

[forreasonsunknown]

honestly i'd move on. but the problem is i cant move on myself so i don't have the right to say that. i think that girls/women tend to come back when you've moved on or are talking to somebody new. im losing it myself and i need guidance. i even bought a freakin ebook on how to get an ex back. i dont know dude, it's hard because it seems like they'll never come back and u can just sit and recollect on all the good memories. that's what i do. i hope she comes back to you my friend, i think everyone deserves to be happy. i hope mine comes back too. u gotta take what life gives u.