What do you guys make of this?

[RocketMan2]

honestly i'd move on. but the problem is i cant move on myself so i don't have the right to say that. i think that girls/women tend to come back when you've moved on or are talking to somebody new. im losing it myself and i need guidance. i even bought a freakin ebook on how to get an ex back. i dont know dude, it's hard because it seems like they'll never come back and u can just sit and recollect on all the good memories. that's what i do. i hope she comes back to you my friend, i think everyone deserves to be happy. i hope mine comes back too. u gotta take what life gives u.

 

I just want to know how she is

 

I keep imagining seeing her out and starting a friendly chat and her going "Rocketman, its over. get over it" or something equally cold which would absolutely destroy me. And that makes me think, yeah its over, get over it.

 

But then i think shes been really upset about doing this. She had a mutual friend asking about me - does that mean anyhting?, all the confusion, the saying she loves me. Is she just taking time out for exams and is planning on talking to me after? Arrrggg

 

All these things to sort out in my head! Thats why i kinda NEED to know how she is, even though she probably doesnt know herself. (((

[demilde]

I just want to know how she is

 

I keep imagining seeing her out and starting a friendly chat and her going "Rocketman, its over. get over it" or something equally cold which would absolutely destroy me. And that makes me think, yeah its over, get over it.

 

But then i think shes been really upset about doing this. She had a mutual friend asking about me - does that mean anyhting?, all the confusion, the saying she loves me. Is she just taking time out for exams and is planning on talking to me after? Arrrggg

 

All these things to sort out in my head! Thats why i kinda NEED to know how she is, even though she probably doesnt know herself. (((

 

she calls you "rocketman"? :-)

 

I think you must try to assume that she ain't coming back. Many years ago I got dumped by a girl and a mopped around for ages, she eventually did call me after about a year (iirc) and we started dating again; even talked of marriage, and then wham bam it happened again. Again I mopped about for the best part of a year, but she didn't come back. That was about 17 years ago. Ironically we have just got back in contact, she married with kids, but we are certainly just friends now. A lot of water etc....

 

My current ex has been all over the place with emotions and I know that we could be a great couple for a long time, but she has so much on her plate at the moment with one thing and another that she ain't gonna get involved in a relationship. we still email from time to time, but I ain't waiting about. In fact I have a date sometime this week with someone who seems very nice. I will go into that as if there is no ex, because the fact is there is no point thinking the ex will want to start again. If she does and I'm happy with someone else then so be it. No point playing out all the scenarios and you'll never cover the one that actually happens.

[forreasonsunknown]

go out and get ****ed up thats what im gonna do.

[RocketMan2]

Hey Hazel,

 

Thanks for the kind words as usual. I am starting to accept its over now

 

The pain is lessening. Im just feeling kind of apathetic at the moment. I cant be bothered to be upset any more, so now im just moping around being generally depressed.

 

Im starting to be able to at least concentrate on other things tho so thats good

 

She has all these opinions of me though, which are her reasons for the breakup, which i really feel i want to talk to her about - because theyre wrong. I know if i talked to her though id just get upset. (Its these reasons that are going to be preventing her from considering me back)

 

Do you think it would help me to tell her these things? I know im going to get hurt by this, but thats not so much my worry because ill get over that pain. Knowing someone has a wrong opinion of me is going to annoy me forever.

[upsetnhurt]

Rocketman,

 

I bet there are tons of people out there that might have the wrong perceptions of you......yet do you get depressed over them? Who is this girl anyway? I realize that you had feelings for her and probably felt great being with her, etc., yet sit back and realize that it is her loss in not being able to see the real you. You don't have to prove yourself to anybody! I know she gives you these faint signals of hope yet believe me when I tell you that if she was the right one for you she would have never put you through anything like this. Someone that loves you would never hurt you. Listen, you are going to invest lots of time in other women in the future and you have to realize that not all relationships are going to work out. That would be too easy! It's a slow process and in order to find the very best person for you, you need to grow and mature from these experiences. You need someone who will make you feel cherished and that you can cherish as well. Consider yourself lucky here as she is letting you go so that you can now focus your energy on better people. I know your sad yet you said yourself in your post that part of you knows its best it is over. Realize that you are sad and depressed because you are lonely and nothing else....your ego is bruised and will heal in time. Let her live her life and I promise she will get hers in the long run.

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey RocketMan,

 

I think it might help for you to get your feelings off your chest, at least once. Maybe you could write her an email and then be done with it. I did and it made me feel better.

 

When I wrote my ex an email, it was to tell him that I wasn't up for being friends (at least not right now). I was careful, however, to use passive language and not dredge up the past and throw it at him. I just told him that basically this is how I felt when he ended our relationship, this is how hard itwas at first to deal with, and this is what I need to do right now in order to continue to heal. I told him that I understood his desire to not be in a relationship, as he is 22 and young and should be out there making friends, dating people and partying, as I did at his age. I told him, however, that I am in a place where I want to be in a relationship, and if it is not with him, that's okay with me, but then I need to move on.

 

As soon as he read the email, he called me and sounded kind of serious. He said that the email was hard to read and accept, but that he completely agreeed with my feelings and was glad to hear how I felt, since he didn't know before. He admitted that he had been wondering what I thought for a while and that the breakup situation was kind of new to him, as he hadn't been through it before (minus moving away from his first gf and it ending). He told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship at all, with anyone, right now. And of all the things he said, that was the one thing that he said very seriously. (There's no gray area) He did, however, tell me that I was the only one in his life right now who he could really talk to. We ended up talking on the phone for over an hour, as friends, and not picking apart our relationship but rather just talking about life and our goals. It was a really nice conversation because he was open with me.

 

I think it might be nice to do something similar. Put your feelings down on paper, send them to her, and then let things lie where they may. However, I would be careful not to point fingers, as she will probably just get defensive. Like, instead of saying "It bothers me that you think I don't pay enough attention to you", you could say "I'm sorry that you felt that I didnt pay enough attention to you". By apologizing for her misunderstanding you, you are more likely to get a more sincere response from her, rather than defensive. She will probably come back with "It's okay, I probably didn't tell you enough of what I needed"...

 

A note here though...You can't force people to understand you. If she just comes back at you accusing you of more stuff, then forget it. You'll know that she is too defensive to really talk to you now. And only time and self-reflection on her part will fix that. I can tell you that I spent a lot of time trying to explain stuff to my ex when we were dating and he seemed defensive and it would piss me off. Like, I would get upset that he didn't bother to hurry up and would lag behind, making us late. And instead of understanding and having empathy for my anxiety about being late, he would just get defensive and bark at me for getting upset in the first place. It was a stupid back and forth. And after a while I would just not bother telling him if I was upset, because I just anticipated him getting defensive. And then he would get on me about being so quiet!

 

Now, as he is on his own without me (except on the phone), he is coming to see many things as I do, through his own discovery. He now sees the consequences of being late, among a slew of other things. And now he can empathize with me.

 

I think it is a matter of being with someone who gets you. Maybe your ex just hasn't experienced enough in life, or things that you have. And try as you might, there is no way to logically discuss life's lessons and bypass living them altogether. It seems like one ureka moment in the field is worth more than 1,000 hours of talking

[RocketMan2]

Rocketman,

 

I bet there are tons of people out there that might have the wrong perceptions of you......yet do you get depressed over them? Who is this girl anyway? I realize that you had feelings for her and probably felt great being with her, etc., yet sit back and realize that it is her loss in not being able to see the real you. You don't have to prove yourself to anybody! I know she gives you these faint signals of hope yet believe me when I tell you that if she was the right one for you she would have never put you through anything like this. Someone that loves you would never hurt you.

 

Nice words, cheers me up I like to think thats true, but is I cant help feeling thats a bit of an arrogant attitude. Maybe I needed to make more effort, which is why i want to explain to her I cant make the distinction in my head between what i should expect from someone, and what i need to earn. What are peoples thoughts on this - i think ill start a new thread.

 

You need someone who will make you feel cherished and that you can cherish as well. Consider yourself lucky here as she is letting you go so that you can now focus your energy on better people. I know your sad yet you said yourself in your post that part of you knows its best it is over. Realize that you are sad and depressed because you are lonely and nothing else....your ego is bruised and will heal in time. Let her live her life and I promise she will get hers in the long run.

Thats true, those feelings did get lost. I am lonely, very lonely and that is whats upsetting me most. We spent every spare second of every day together, and now all im left with is an empty void and i feel worthless