Guest Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Hi all, I posted this in the divorce section, but then found this section, which seems more relevant... I don't normally visit discussion boards, but since I would like some input from others, I thought I'd start here. I'm 33 and I've been with my husband for 6 years. I have always known that he experienced an extremely unusual childhood with a combination of constant physicial and verbal abuse from his father (daily) and an over-doting very needy mother. My husband was slightly verbally abusive when I met him, but I (probably stupidly) didn't think it would get worse. When he got mad, he would say mean, hurtful things. I grew up in a very peaceful well-balanced family and had never experienced this kind of verbal "slaughtering." But, the verbal abuse was very rare at the beginning of our relationship. Fast forward 6 years and 2 children later...Like a typical "abuser" my husband will be brutally verbally abusive for a day or two...according to him I am an idiot, a moron, a bitch, worthless, look like a small rodent, and of course, I am so fortunate to be blessed with him, someone who is so intelligent, "fun", and earns a lot of money. He is 100% certain (or at least puts forth) that he is much more intelligent, wiser, more capable, etc than me. Anything I do is subpar and everything he does deserves a gold medal. For those of you who have experienced verbal abuse, you know how bad it can be...and how sad. Then, he will be ULTRA nice for days, weeks, even months. He will buy me whatever I want and compliment me all the time. During the past 6 years, he has beaten me 2 times. The first time was not so bad, but the second was horrible and involved punching me in the face, stomach, and repeatedly kicking me. He has also slapped our daughter in the face several times and pulled her ears. Typically, he does no housework, does not feed the children, does not pay any attention to the children unless I ask him to, and if I were to simply take care of all of the family's needs without asking him to help, he would never offer to help. Right now he is in one of his "nice" moods, so I feel guilty about thinking about leaving him. But looking at him and being with him has started to make me physically ill. I am constantly nervous around him and there is never a moment I desire to be near him. At the same time, I care deeply for him and do not want to hurt him by leaving. I know in some weird way he loves me and the children. I also don't like the idea of complicating my childrens' lives more. For those of you offering advice to see a therapist - I am already seeing one and my husband will NEVER NEVER NEVER see a therapist no matter what - even if I threaten to leave. He sees it as weak and disrespectful to onesself. I have no qualms about loosing my husbands friends or family because I hate them all. I have never met such unually abnormal people in all my life. To complicate things, an ex-bf just reappeared in my life. We have not done ANYTHING initimate and have NOT dated because I am simply not willing or ready to complicate my life even more right now. We have met in social situations and have spoken on the phone several times. This ex-bf and I were separated due to circumstances, not fighting, and we still have deep feelings for one another. Before we were separated, we spent 2 great years together. He is NICE, respectful, handsome, a wonderful father to his son, and did I mention NICE? Since we parted, he has also been through a failed relationship and has 1 child. BUT of course I am wondering if meeting this ex-bf again has made me more likely to leave my husband. I want to be able to leave my marraige with the thought that I would have left regardless of whether this ex-bf was a possibility for me. My husband and I have not been intimate for over 2 years and the thought of being intimate with someone is a very nice thought to me. I just simply have no idea what to do. By the way, I have a very good job and carry all of the benefits (health insurance, etc), so monetary and other things like the house, cars, etc are not very important to me. Thanks so much for your input. If anyone out there has been through a similar experience, I would love to hear about it. Nicole Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 You need to consider heavly leaving your H because him verbally and physically beating you and your child is not acceptable and is grounds for divorce. You have no need to feel sorry for leaving. Your only feeling like that because your in the loving phase but that won't stay like that forever as I'm sure you already know. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hi Guest, what you are experiencing now is textbook of abusive situations. Please take 10 minutes of your time to read this psychological study : http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html All I'm going to add for now is, if you don't leave him ASAP, your children's life are going to be terribly scarred, if not ruined by him....and they may as well end up hating you too for keeping them there. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 All I'm going to add for now is, if you don't leave him ASAP, your children's life are going to be terribly scarred, if not ruined by him....and they may as well end up hating you too for keeping them there. My marriage was alot like yours. My wife was very abusive emotionally and verbally. Towards me and our children. I see the damage every day. A good theripist helps, but I wish someone had said cards words to me years ago. My children may forgive me but they will never forget. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I think your exBF coming around is allowing you to see that there are good ones out there. I wouldn't do anything with him more than talk if I were you. He's on the rebound and you're in a mess. What good could possibly come out of your being intimate with him? If your husband found out about it he could use it against you. And you could further put your children into harm's way if he decides to use them as ammo in some way. Think about what you're doing. If I were you I'd plan to leave your husband. I did it. He went to work one day and he came home to an empty house. But it took months of planning to get to that day. You're husband sounds like mine. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to our son, daughter and myself. He had us all feeling queasy in his presence for fear of 'provoking' him. If you are serious about leaving the marriage, the first step in planning is having a good divorce attorney. You won't feel so alone if you have someone on your side guiding your actions and keeping them within the confines of the law. Post anytime. There are many who have been where you are now. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Get out of the situation ASAP. Its not something you or your kids deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If I were you I'd plan to leave your husband. I did it. He went to work one day and he came home to an empty house. But it took months of planning to get to that day. Thank you all for your advice. I called a divorce lawyer today. I have already started collecting things around the house that are important to me. What worries me is the standard 50/50 custody now. Even though I can leave, my children still have to live with terrible verbal abuse, which is often not provable in court. The physical abuse he dishes out to our daughter is not bad enough to be considered abuse since he slaps and pulls ears (and leaves no marks). I am just so so sad for my children. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you all for your advice. I called a divorce lawyer today. I have already started collecting things around the house that are important to me. What worries me is the standard 50/50 custody now. Even though I can leave, my children still have to live with terrible verbal abuse, which is often not provable in court. The physical abuse he dishes out to our daughter is not bad enough to be considered abuse since he slaps and pulls ears (and leaves no marks). I am just so so sad for my children. If he ignores the children he may not want them. I don't know where you live but my attorney suggested I go to RadioShack and pick up a hand-held voice recorder. I kept that bad-boy in my pocket 24/7. I never did use it in court, didn't have to because we settled but it was an ace in the hole having it. Of course after I left I made him aware of this fact. If he had any ideas of 50/50 prior I'm sure this bit of information brought him back down to earth. I have sole custody. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I am just so so sad for my children. Dr. Phil once said: "children would rather be from a broken home than live in one". Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I was going to suggest the voice recorder thing too, perhaps a hidden video camera even... As for the abuse, the evidence against you alone would be enough to help in the custody battle...if he does it again report it and get medical evidence. Also maybe the kids can testify towards what he's done... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Also maybe the kids can testify towards what he's done... I think this is a bad idea. I would never put my children into this position. They've been through enough and the guilt of putting them up to that could stay with them for years. They are already going to think the divorce is their fault to an extent. That's how their minds' work. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If he ignores the children he may not want them. I don't know where you live but my attorney suggested I go to RadioShack and pick up a hand-held voice recorder. I kept that bad-boy in my pocket 24/7. I never did use it in court, didn't have to because we settled but it was an ace in the hole having it. Of course after I left I made him aware of this fact. If he had any ideas of 50/50 prior I'm sure this bit of information brought him back down to earth. I have sole custody. Thank you to everyone who has responded to my posts. For those of you who have succeeded in getting sole custody, could you tell me what helped? I don't have any proof of H abusing me or the children other than what others have heard from me and some minor verbal abuse incidents in public that some friends saw. H is very careful about what he says or does around other people. I do have a video of him being repeatedly very physically abusive toward a friend of ours though. I'm going to get a pocket recorder though. I don't know what he'll say at this point since we haven't been talking very much. Thanks again for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well, between testifying and having to spend lots of time with their dad that will keep abusing them in the future, I reckon testifying is better... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Well, between testifying and having to spend lots of time with their dad that will keep abusing them in the future, I reckon testifying is better... I agree there but really that is a year or more away when that will be an issue. Everything will be temporarily ordered until the divorce is final. To stress over visitation is the last thing I'd be stressing about if I were in her shoes. I'd mostly be preparing myself to leave. Gathering facts and evidence of the abuse that's occurred and continues to occur so that when it comes to visitation he won't have a leg to stand on because she will hold all the bargaining power. And he'll be happy to get what he can. Judges don't look too highly on men who hurt women and children. Prove that and it will be whatever makes mom and the children comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you for your posts. They mean a lot to me right now. I have been keeping a journal to document the abuse, but I'm not sure if it's enough - I don't even know if it's admiss in court. Any other thoughts beside the pocket recorder to hopefully catch him in the act? Also, if I ever leave the kids with him (which is RARE), when I get home they are filthy and usually haven't eaten anything. I'm pretty certain he will never bathe them, won't change their clothes, and will only feed them fast food. Have any of you tried asking a teacher to document what the kids look/smell like when the neglectful/abusive dad drops them off at school? Would documentation like this help? I just don't know what the courts look at other than police reports, which I was too stupid to file in the past. Thanks again, MoonGirl Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 This is what I did and it worked pretty well. I had my recorder on and pretended to be asleep on the couch. He was watching TV and it was getting near bed time. The kids were getting tired and he had to put them to bed. Instead of doing that he yelled from the living room chair for my then 5 yr. old daughter to "shut the f^ck up". All she wanted was to be tucked in and kissed goodnight. Anyway, maybe let him be responsible for them while you pretend to sleep. This way you're there if anything gets out of control but it's still his responsibility to take care of them. If anything is going to make him mad you know this is going to. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Amaysngrace, That's a wonderful idea! My H often says things like "you want your mug beaten?" to our kids. I often wonder what he says when I'm not present. I could try taping him when I'm not around too. He also likes to talk about "n*ggers" around my children, and often refers to other people, especially minorities, as morons, b*tches, and idiots in the presence of my kids. He calls me names in front of my kids (b***, wh*re, stupid, psychotic, etc), and says things like "you know you're mommy is stupid". Would this qualify as child abuse or not? I find it terribly disgusting, but I'm not sure if a judge would find it abusive toward the children. He thinks this kind of talk is completely normal and acceptable. In fact, if I tell him it's abusive, he claims it's not. Having it taped may not even scare him since he doesn't think what he says is abnormal. You know, when I write all of this stuff down it makes me crazy mad. I can't believe I've endured it for so long. As we all know, the abuse starts slowly and the abuser twists your reality. I guess when we start waking up it seems like a nightmare. How could I have put up with this for so long? Thanks again for your suggestions! I've got my digital pocket recorder now...voice activated and makes no noise at all! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 He calls me names in front of my kids (b***, wh*re, stupid, psychotic, etc), and says things like "you know you're mommy is stupid". Would this qualify as child abuse or not? I think it would. It would be considered emotional abuse. It's messing with their heads. If he were a good man he would never speak to you like that and give healthy discipline if they ever spoke to their mother that way, you know? Having it taped may not even scare him since he doesn't think what he says is abnormal. Trust me, when you leave it is going to be like the whole world crashed around this man. He is going to wake up and see the error of his ways. His pride wounded, he will be forced to take a good long hard look at himself. And he's not going to like what he sees. He'll promise to change. Don't you believe it. Mine did the same thing. Almost two years later since I left he is still the creep he always was. No change at all. If you bring up the evidence at that time, once he knows he's wrong, he will totally see he's lost the upperhand. Now it's you who has control. And it's been a long time coming! I've got my digital pocket recorder now...voice activated and makes no noise at all! Link to post Share on other sites
crzyblndstar Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Moongirl, I too was in an abusive relationship. Luckily I wasn't married, we just lived together and had a child. He was always verbally and mentally abusive, but the night it got physical, I left. Our son was already staying at his grandparents house that night and so I took off and went there and never went back. Your husband is more than likely going to try and get at least 50/50 custody of the children. But, it is not because he wants them. It is more of a pride thing. That is the way abusers are. Those children are his property and he knows that it will hurt you as well. I wouldn't worry too much about him getting the custody. Even if he does get granted joint custody, he will more than likely eventually fade away. He will just stop seeing them as often. Having the children will become a burden to him. Abusers are very selfish and only think of themselves. He will rather do other things then want to have to take care of kids. This is what my ex did. At first he would see him for about an hour a couple of times a week and then it was once a week then once a month, etc. Now, he hasn't seen him in 6 months and we have only been split up a year. He always had excuses not to see him and he has never paid me a dime of child support. But, if I were to ever ask him to give up his rights, he would be insulted that I even asked him that b/c of his pride. In his head he hasn't done anything wrong and he is an outstanding father. Just like your husband, he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he talks to you and the children the way he does. Sorry, I got a little long winded. But, my main point is, don't stress over it too much right now. It will all work out for the best. Right now all you need to work on is getting out of the situation. Don't let him make you feel bad about wanting a divorce, because he will try. Abusers are very manipulative and have a good way of making you feel bad for things you shouldn't. Good luck to you. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you ladies, Yes, I do believe my H has very little interest in the kids other than to hurt me. However, his parents (also abusers) really enjoy time with the children and are more than willing to spend time with them. H will simply leave the kids with them, which also scares the heck out of me. H spent his entire childhood being insulted, screamed at, and beaten. His father has repeatedly told my daughter that he loves my other child more than he loves her (among many other insanely mean things). They force her to hug and kiss them against her will (will hold her down while she screams). When the kids come home from their house the look and smell like little pigs since they never bathe them, comb their hair, change their clothing, etc. The whole situation makes me ill. I have objected to the kids going to their house, but H takes them anyway. I know I need to fight for sole custody, and am afraid I won't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Hey MoonGirl, congratulations on planning to use that recorder I don't think any judge in their right mind would grant him custody after hearing a few minutes or hours of his parenting...besides, you can have the kids testify as a last resort... If he hits you or the kids again with any visible marks go to the police/hospital straight away to have medical evidence and you'll be able to have him taken away to jail, get a restraining order etc. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thanks CardPlay3r! He is not too likely to hit again (well, I know I should never say never), but he says nasty things all the time. Knowing my luck, he'll be nice and sweet all weekend long while I have my recorder waiting. lol. The kids are too young to testify I think. One of them is a pre-talker and the other is also tiny. And I don't want to traumatize her either. I know, testifying may be less traumatic than enduring abuse... Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I'm glad also that your doing something about this and not choosing to stay. Good for you . Sooner you get out of that the better off you will be and so will your children. Thats so horrible what he does and his family does to your children. If he hits you or the kids again with any visible marks go to the police/hospital straight away to have medical evidence and you'll be able to have him taken away to jail, get a restraining order etc. This is good too. At least you'll be able to be on record. Better to have something then not at all. Hope everything works out for you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Hi all, Well, I got H on tape admitting to and, of course, blaming me for all of his verbal abuse and 2 counts of physical abuse against me...and also admitting to hitting our daughter in the face (which was, of course, her fault since she started crying). According to him, it is my fault I get called every name in the book regularily and it is my fault he beat me 2 times. If you listen to our conversation, it sounds really insane. He calls me psychotic over and over again, and when I asked his definition of psychotic, he stated that in his mind, my change in attitude toward him means I am psychotic (i.e. the fact that I won't put up with being verbally attacked anymore). Because he accuses me of so much on the tape...like be psychotic, starting the physical abuse (a twisting of reality), giving him the right to hit our daughter, etc. I'm afraid that anyone who is not skilled in dealing with verbal abusers might think a lot of what he says on the tape about me is true instead of seeing as his usual way of trying to confuse me by twisting reality and blaming me for everything. I will try to get more...but I am just exhausted from all of these mind games. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Hey, that's great...make copies of the tape and keep them in a safe place...get as many other convos like this as you can. Don't worry about the judge taking his side, anyone with a grain of decency would shiver hearing how someone's opinion of his wife gives him the right to hit his daughter....he's crazy and that will prove it Link to post Share on other sites
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