Information Request

[redhd_girl]

Help me.

I've dated my current "boyfriend" for about 5 months. He is a wonderful person. All the best qualities a girl could ask for. He pays for everything, compliments,helps elderly ladies,nice! There is just one problem. There is no spark. We don't argue, we don't raise our voices! It's like were ancient friends who've known each other for many years. It's not like he's not attractive ect......I'm just not attracted to him anymore. It's just like were brother and sister. This is just too comfortable. Tell me, honestly, is there something wrong with me? How can I get past this? He's absolutely a wonderful guy! But, I cannot handle this "dull" comfort anymore! Please help. Thank you.

[Ally Boo]

I'm glad you are acknowledging this problem, because it won't go away. It looks like you are at the end of the road. Now you have to decide how much YOU care about him, and if you care enough to work on changing it. If you do, then he has to do the same thing and decide how much he cares about you, to see if he wants to work it out. This may be a no-brainer.

 

Once you get past that stage, and if you decide to work it out, try to mix up your life a bit. Change your routine. Take yourselves outside of your enviroment, go on a short trip, play miniture gold or something, take yourselves out of your normal every day routine, to see each other in a different light, and see other sides of your personality.

 

No, there is nothing wrong with you, this is a common thing. But the thing you have to determine is....how much you truly care about him. Not how much he cares about you, whatever plans or dreams you might have, etc. But how much you REALLY care about him inside. If you don't care enough to make it work, then walk away, learn from this, and move on.

 

Life is too short!

[Tony T]

The answer to this problem will be different for some people but the majority of relationships require fireworks, at least in the beginning and ones that last a lot more than a few months.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. Healthy relationships require some sparks, especially in the initial stages. There should be some residual passion left from that to take you forward. If there are no fireworks now, there is a serious problem.

 

Now I will say there are some people who have wonderful, lifetime relationships without fireworks but only because both parties don't particularly need them. There are some people who have been in so many traumatic and chaotic relationships that it's heaven to be in something like you're in now.

 

But if passion and fireworks are important to you, what you're in now is not going to be a happening thing. It may be hard to say goodbye to your buddy or best friend, but if you don't see him as a lover you'll get over it quickly.

 

Please understand that no matter how much passion you find in a relationship, that level will diminish over time. But two people should work hard to retain a healthy level of fire throughout their relationship. All relationships settle down eventually and become very comfortable...but no nearly so soon as yours.

 

The biggest problem in your relationship may very well be that he is just about perfect. There is no edge to the relationship, it has become way too predictable, and he is just too nice. That's so tragic because he may be condemned to having these kinds of relationships all his days.

 

Go out and find yourself a guy you can dream of day in and day out, a guy who will keep your heart pounding, a guy who will send you flying when you hear the phone ring....

 

When you find the right guy, you won't have to come to this board to ask questions. And there will be fireworks on your wedding day...and long after.

 

You may never pass this way again.

[ann-onymous]

hi, i can only say that the same thing happened to me and maybe things can work out for the best. it's been 5 months, and a pretty good 5 months at that from what you wrote. sometimes it takes a little extra effort for that spark to be there, but if you've pretty much given all you've got on this one, i'd say it's time for you to move on.

 

i may not like how replies to posts on loveshack often say "run away and don't look back," without hesitation, but i think it's best for the both of you if you let him go. he needs somebody who will appreciate all the things he's got to offer, because he seems like a great guy (my ex sure was!), but if you're just gonna stick around because you may feel guilty for not necessarily being attracted to his kindness, you're making things worse.

 

i'd say let him go, find yourself somebody who makes your heart race every time you think of him, and your guy will find the same, i'm sure. nobody's losing out here. it just didnt work out, that happens sometimes, it's ok!

 

that's just what i have to say, because i went through the same stupid thing, putting way too much worry into the situation when we both could have moved on to happier things much more easily had i the confidence to move on.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by ann-onymous

i'd say let him go, find yourself somebody who makes your heart race every time you think of him, and your guy will find the same, i'm sure. nobody's losing out here. it just didnt work out, that happens sometimes, it's ok!

[velvet]

Key words are "he feels like a brother". If at this point you honestly have come to no conclusion on what you should do than talk to him. Tell him how you feel. It takes two to tango. If you let him on to the same page he may be able to help.

 

In r/s people will inevitably slow down to a low key.

[Ally Boo]

Seems like when it gets to the point of "Feeling like a Brother" that's a MAJOR sign you need to run. That's what happened with my marriage. I'm sure it can be corrected, but we couldn't.