On the receiving end of resentment.

[punchingbag]

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with being on the receiving end of resentment ?

 

A little background. 4 years ago my wife was ill and I wasn't there to emotionally support her. She was very hurt by this and has been resentful ever since. We went to therapy 2 years ago and appeared to be on the road to getting better for a few months, but she never let go of her resentment. This last year has gotten bad. She admits that we are more like room mates than a married couple. At my urging she has is seeing a therapist (different person).

 

She's gone to 3 sessions so far. Apparently she was so hurt from my actions that she never fully recovered and has shut off her emotions.

 

To me, that is only part of the story. She may have shutoff her emotions of happiness and love, but her anger and resentment emotions are alive and well.

 

I told her that I am past being angry and now it just hurts. I've asked her if her therapist wants to meet me, she said no.

 

I realize she has only gone to 3 sessions and it will take time, but it not easy. Any suggestions ?

[Art_Critic]

Welcome to LS ...

 

Can I ask why you weren't able to support her emotionally ? and have you fixed this issue.

 

I personally think that couples therapy is what you both should be in rather than individual therapy.

 

You are trying to fix a couples problem.. It is also your marriage and you by your own admission helped create the problem

 

Although this is based on what you have posted..

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

give her time to work through her side of things and when she is ready and wishes to do couples therapy, just tell her you will be ready to do so [and committed] when that time comes

 

for now, give her space and understanding and kindness

[whichwayisup]

She has to decide to let go of her anger and resentment towards you before things get better. AC is right, couples therapy is the way to go. If she isn't willing to do this to save the marriage and make your relationship as husband and wife better, then life as a couple is going to suck.

 

What you can do now though is start doing special things for her, so she sees in action, not just in words how much you love her, want her and need her in your life. Whatever illness she had and you weren't supportive of her probably made her feel like you didn't care or love her, that takes time to heal from...But, with that being said, she can't punish you forever - If she isn't able to forgive you, it's not fair to stay together and live unhappily ever after.

 

Can I ask? Do you two have children?

[Guest]

We don't have children.

 

Not making excuses, their was a time when I was very stressed out at work. Long hours, etc.. I am now a partner at the firm. She was having stomach problems. She had an appt to see her doctor on a Sat. morning. She drove herself to his office and ended up being checked into the hospital. She called me and I met her at the hospital. They weren't sure what the problem was. I stayed with her in the ER.

 

The problem ended up being Norwalk virus and she was given a room. They wanted to keep her overnight for observation. In the room she said you can go home if you want. I went home at 5:00 P.M. and she was in her room by herself all night. I know, not a very caring thing to do and I was not supportive.

 

She was hurt and told me so a few months later. We went into the 1st rd of therapy about 8 months later.

 

I think that particular instance was not indicative of the kind of person I am. Regardless, I have been a nicer kinder person since then and she admits it, but the resentment is still there.

 

I told her this evening whether she realizes it or not she has strong resentment towards me and it hurts. She apologized and said she doesn't want to hurt me. Her next appt is this Monday. I'll let her go alone and hopefully the therapist will ask to meet me. If not, I'll suggest to her again that we go together.

[WhisperingWillow]

Now this is something I can relate to. About seven years ago I came down very ill. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I spent hours in agony. I'll spare you all the details and just say in the end I was diagnosed with Kidney disease. My then husband says "Oh it's the plumbing, oh well, it'll be fine". So while I did my research to find out what can be done and I spent some agonizing days on the bed and running fevers, going to doctors, given bad news to worse news, taking all different kinds of meds, taking care of the house and the children, my then husband did not support me in any kind of way at all. I grew to hate him. I do mean hate.

 

I still was the doting wife though. Put on a happy face, brave front, still did everything a wife does. I even had sex with him still despite the hurt and anguish it caused to have sex. Finally one day I snapped and it took me about three years to forgive him. It's not something that happens instantly. It hurts when we're not supported. Really hurts. I have to tell you that we couldn't have gotten past it without marriage counseling. At all. We did finally get past it. You know today he is one of my best friends. We talk about everything. We have a great partnership where the kids are concerned and well I have no ill feelings towards him. She needs time. Anger is just the starting stone, then it's sadness, then it'll be acceptance. Why were you not able to support her? For my ex husband it was because he is not comfortable showing feelings.

[JamesM]

I think there is more to the story than simply resentment to you not being there when she was sick. My guess is that this was the final straw.

 

Chances are that if you are a lawyer who was working to become partner, you spent most of your waking hours at the firm. She was basically a single woman. I also wonder how may hours you currently work. I work around 40 or sometimes less throughout most of the year. However, for a few months, I work over 60. I know that for my wife this is tough. I am never there, and when I am, she is working. If you still work that many hours, it means that you both live seperate lives. And when you come home, you probably need time alone, so there is more time she doesn't get to know you.

 

Yes, you will become roommates. You need to spend time together as often as possible. I am not sure how long you have been married. Also, have either cheated? Does she suffer from depression or any other emotional disorder? Do you or have you? When you were stressed at work, how did she say you treated her? Were you verbally abusive or physically abusive? Is there a reason there are no children or simply because BOTH do not want them? Could she want children?

 

What is your sex life like? Do you pressure her for sex a certain amount of times a week? Or perhaps she wants sex but you don't? Does she have a job? Do you live near her parents or your parents? Did she have to move for your job? Does she have any friends? Do either of you drink alot?

 

It is interesting how many of us come here with questions...including myself...and give information that WE think is pertinent, but after a few questions, we realize that there may be more or something different behind our problems. That is why my twenty questions.

[whichwayisup]

I went home at 5:00 P.M. and she was in her room by herself all night. I know, not a very caring thing to do and I was not supportive.

James is right, it's more than that. This was the push that made her lose it, so it has to be more stuff she's upset at you about. People get over things like this, maybe it's just me but I woudln't want my husband to stay overnight with me, not fair to him (incase he gets it) and the hospital staff are there to check in etc...

 

In all honesty, and I'm not making light of your wife's bout with the norwalk virus, but let's keep things in perspective.

 

She was hurt and told me so a few months later. We went into the 1st rd of therapy about 8 months later.

 

Again, it's more than you not staying the night in the hospital. She actually could have told you "I need you stay with me" and you would have stayed. To me, telling you that it was OK for you to go home, was a test to see if you'd make the 'right' choice. Unfortunately you made the wrong one...

 

I really hope you two figure it out together. Gotta remember what it was that brought made you two love eachother - recapture that and recreate it.

[Guest]

You are correct, during our original therapy sessions she did mention other things such as:

 

taking her for granted

 

not welcoming her family to come over to our new house

 

not putting her name on the new house title

 

how she sometimes has a change of mind on our decision to not have children

 

Through that therapy session she learned her anger towards me on those items wasn't fair or warranted.

 

For example, our new house. Her sister and infant child was coming over every weekend and I was told to be quiet because the baby was sleeping.

 

House title, we live in NY, which has a law where the wife is entitled to half of everything. I explained that at the time of the buy, the bank suggested just my name on all the documents because it would make the applications/loans go smoother. I told her I would add her name to the title now if she wanted.

 

Children. We agreed before getting married. She sometimes changes her mind back and forth. I've held steady to our original decision not to have children.

 

How I wasn't there for her during her illness was left as the main issue and she needed time to get past it. We ended therapy after 6 sessions. Things got better for a few months, but then slowly declined to where we are now.

 

I stopped working really long hours years ago. I am frequently home before she is. I drink socially, never cheated on her, never hit her, never verbally abusive. I cook all my own meals, do my own laundry, iron my own clothes. These things used to be shared. We have not made love in over 7 months. We truly are basically roomates. Her sister lives very close by and they spend every Sunday together.

 

After this latest round of theray, she has acknowledged that I am a good person and husband but she is having trouble getting over the past and has asked me to be patient.