Internet/Dating Question

[PixieBehave]

Hi Everyone! I'm a newbie, but have been reading posts here for awhile now. I really feel like this could be a place I could devolop friendships Anyways, to my question.......

 

I have been 'seeing' a man for awhile now *5 months* & I'm under the impression that we are 'exclusive' (but we all know how assumptions are) We spend aprox. 2-3 days together a week. Go to the movies, out to eat, stay in & watch a movie, ect. One time when I was over at his house, we were watching tv & he got online. To me, that is just rude, to be online when you have company over. I didn't bring it up since this was the only time he's ever done anything like that. I've noticed that as soon as I leave his house *be it, night or during the day* he jumps RIGHT ONLINE. I live about 20 min from him, & when I get home & get online, I notice that he's been online for like 19 min already, meaning he got right online when I left. Now I know that he's still friends with 1 or 2 of his exes & I think that's how he communicates with them. That really doesn't bother me as much as me feeling as if I'm 'stopping' him from being online when I'm with him. I feel as if he's just looking at the clock and when it gets to a certain time *that she'll be online* he comes up with a "I'm tired, I need to go to bed, ect" excuse but then I find out that he gets online....

 

Part 2.....

Sometimes on the days I don't see him, I'll get home after work & see that he's online, I'll IM him to see what's up & he doesn't respond. Sometimes his 'status' will turn to 'away' or 'busy' as soon as I get on. Not always, but more times then not. Or he'll IM me after 10-20 min & say he was doing the dishes or cleaning up, ect.

 

I care for him alot, I can see him in my life in the future & do want to be secure about our relationship, I've just never had this happen before. If anyone has any suggestions, advice, insight I'd really appreciate it. Also-on a final note, WHAT IS the best way to 'approach' a man about 'exclusivity' (sp?) in a relationship? Thank you much

[bunnybop]

You are not his dream girl. Don't hang on and don't make excuses for him. I think your instincts are telling you the truth but you are in denial because you want it to work out.

 

You deserve better. Personally I think his behaviour sucks-but he is also allowed not to want you for whatever reason. You just have to accept this and move on to something better.

[wunderbugg]

Just some questions....

 

What ages are you both?

 

How did you come about meeting each other online? through internet personal ads? a chat room?

 

Were you both "looking" to meet someone at the time that you did end up meeting online, or was it just by fluke?

 

The guy's either majorly addicted to the internet (which is not a good thing..geez, doesn't he have anything ELSE to spend his time doing? Hobbies? Friends? Interests? Projects around the house? Visit family?).....or he's a player. I'm guessing a combination of both.

 

So is HE the one to initiate you leaving his place, most often? (telling you he's tired, has to get to bed, bla bla) Do you actually notice him watching the clock or getting restless if you've been there awhile?

 

Whether he's a player or not, I'd seriously be turned right off of a guy who spent that much time online...when there's a great big world out there, so much more 'real stuff' to partake in.

 

So are you saying that when you get home and turn on IM, and you first get online there, you'll immediately see his IM setting switch from "available" to "away" or "busy"? If so, that's no coincidence, I don't think. I think that's a big red flag that he's playing you.

 

I say dump him, but you likely don't want to do that. Okay, well, then ignore him for a couple of weeks. Make yourself unavailable and note his efforts to initiate contact with you. Or, you could try the direct approach......just share with him your observations.....that it's pretty obvious he races for the computer the minute you leave his house, and how that makes you feel.

[PixieBehave]

1. I'm 21, He's 30

 

2. We started talking on a chat room

 

3. I wasn't looking to meet someone, so I guess I'd say it's a fluke

 

4. I would say it's probably 60-40 with him initiating 60% of me leaving his place. I have stayed over a few times *one of those being him getting online while I was there*

 

5. When I leave his place & get home & get online *rarely does this happen* his status will be set to 'away' already. But when I don't see him & get online *after work, ect* sometimes it'll switch to 'busy' or 'away' when I log on. Or sometimes I'll say "hi" or something like that & it'll take like 10-20 min before I get a response......

 

If I were to bring up the subject that I wonder why when he says he's tired but gets online, how should I approach it?

[Bill]

Well, there is a way to find out EXACTLY what he is doing. I've done this quite a few times. The information that is usually found is SHOCKING... in all of the cases that I have worked on.

 

I'm not going to mention how to do this, but it involves a lot of computer knowledge. I work in the field of computers/networking/security.

 

I would say he shows signs of being dishonest. Even if you did go "my" method, you'd learn things you didn't want to know about him.

[PixieBehave]

Hi Bill, you have intrigued me. What exactly are you speaking of? I would love to have more info.....

[Bill]

Perhaps if you became a member of this site, you could private message me on here. It only takes a minute, and it's painless . I'd rather not spread this info around a whole forum.

[wunderbugg]

Bill, if you're talking about hacking, or her setting up some kind of spyware on his puter....or something of that nature, I don't think that's right at all. They've been together for 3 months. He has the right to do anything he damn well pleases, and for her to do anything "sneaky" to find out what he's doing online, that's wrong. Plain wrong.

 

Yes, it may be tempting to find out......but if you are in a relationship where you even CONSIDER snooping on your partner/their computer habits/where they go online, it's time to wave BYE BYE. There has to be trust, there just has to be.

 

I'd say this guy has given her MORE than enough signs that he's up to no good and not one to expect a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with. He's a cyber-player.

 

And personally, I'll likely get flamed for this big time, but what's a 30 yr old guy doing hanging out in a chat room anyway? Most stable guys this age, they're busy golfing, playing ball, going to football games, going for drinks with their buds, involved in hobbies, etc.....not picking up young women, 9 yrs their junior, in a chat room.

 

I found out a long time ago, from personal experience....99% of people who meet other people in a chat room, they don't stop there. They're right back in the chat room (or a different one), trying to pick someone else up. The thrill and excitement of the chase. Deadbeats, I tell you.

[sunflower]

Sounds like this guy is a real dud.

 

Wunderbug brought up some good points.

 

I believe this guys spells trouble, and I don't think he can be trusted.

 

Bill's idea certainly sounds tempting...

 

Pixiebehave, I think you should go by your instincts. I'm of the opinion that you should simply back off from him. Doesn't sound like he's ready for any serious commitment.

 

I also think you shouldn't bring up exclusivity with him. These are things for the guys to bring up. Call me old fashion, but I wouldn't bring it up with him.

 

Tired, shmired...he's a player.

[bhsunny21]

My ex used to do the same type of thing. I always found it very annoying and rude as well. We also met online through a service and began a friendship in that way. When we ended up dating and he continued to use the service. When I confronted him about it and told him I was not comfortable with his actions, his excuse was that he was using the service to meet new people, since he didn't have any friends.

 

Well, after we broke up, I found out that he had begun to see another woman he met from the same service about a week before we called it quits. (Yes, he *actually* told me this) So, I am not wanting to jump the gun and tell you that he is looking for other things, but in my experience, he was. I was naive from the beginning to believe that he was only "looking for friends" on a dating service website. LOL Just don't make the same mistake and get hurt like I did. Good luck!

[Bill]

I know my idea sounds tempting. I only used it where I was FORCED to use it. I had a girlfriend that was really odd... having to be online all the time and on the phone. She never ever put my name in her profile. One time she went offline, I signed on my other name, and she was on with that one but not mine! She had a message in her profile, that sounded it was for another guy (speaking of love etc).

 

THAT is when I started doing this. Another time, someone specifically asked for my services. And another time yet to stop a internet hacker from getting into my computer.

 

I work in the computer field.. this is what I do at work ALL day long. I see things on people's computers that is just horrible, and the wife/husband/gf/bf has no idea.

 

You may think that doing someone like spying on someone is morally wrong, but look on the other end. I HAD to do what I did, otherwise I'd be engaged to a cheater right now (someone who also spoke of using me).

[wunderbugg]

If "spying" is what you do for a living, fine. But it's extremely wrong and unethical of you to do it for personal reasons, or to offer to help someone do it.

 

"You may think that doing someone like spying on someone is morally wrong, but look on the other end. I HAD to do what I did, otherwise I'd be engaged to a cheater right now (someone who also spoke of using me)."

 

There's no reason anyone HAS to spy on anyone, period. Did you know that doing such a think is AGAINST THE LAW? I wonder why. It's as illegal as tapping someone's phone, or installing a hidden video camera.

 

If a person gets to the point where they mistrust their partner, and their actions/behavior, then there's NO TRUST THERE. If there's no trust there, then there's no relationship. If you can't trust your partner and feel the need to 'spy' or check up on them, then you should just be mature and stable enough to LEAVE the relationship.

 

Several comments you make in your posts, I read you as someone who has a real tendency to become obsessed with someone, codependent, can't breathe without them. Your admitting to talking on the phone to girlfriends and lots of times spending 15 minutes (you) not even speaking.....that's insane, that indicates someone who can't "live" without another person and doesn't want to spend one free minute without them.

 

Also, from a previous post, you mentioned that there was no way you could ever break up with someone.

 

Plus the fact that you're willing to wait 2 yrs to "see" the girl you're dating (because her parents don't want you to see her).

 

I know you're young (20 or so, right?) but these things you express are concerning.

 

Back to the snooping/spying/hacking stuff. What you do for work, I'm assuming is within the confines of the law. To come here and offer to help someone 'hack' into their partner's computer, to spy on them......mister, you could lose your job for that..it's not even to do with morals, it's unethical and illegal.

[Bill]

I never said I was hacking thank you.

 

I would not do what I've done for anyone else, merely being curious as to how low someone would go to get information on someone they say they like.

 

About being against the law... I've never done anything on the computers against the law, more like FOR it. You don't know me. I am merely asking if the person "would" do that. I'm not implying that I would do that for them or in anyway help them complete that task. I just wanted to see what someone would think that was in the same situation I was in previously.

 

Yes there is reasons to spy on someone..."wunderbugg". You seem to know nothing about the law, so I'm not going to enlighten you. I work with stuff like this ALL DAY LONG.

 

Wunderbugg, haha, you have me all wrong. Right now, I have no one. It's me, myself, and I sitting here. I have not talked to anyone on the phone in two weeks, and you think you know me? Just because someone would not want to talk to you on the phone that long doesn't have to make you be jealous of me.

 

And for your information... I am living without anyone right now, and for quite a while now. I don't need anyone else. Hrm, you seemed to have missed something.

 

That 15 minutes only happened like once or twice, and by accident when it happened. I told you had a weird phone. I cannot clearly tell if it's on or off, it's COMPLETELY silent if the other end is silent. It's a tiny ear piece and a little microphone on my shirt, that is IT.

 

The fact being here is YOU do not know ME at ALL. [edit] You must be illiterate if you "read" me that way. You are really funny though. Most of my time is spent inside my office WITH no one. I'm quite content by myself.

 

I'm quite a different person online than I actually am. I know I must hide who I work for, what I do, and how I do it. I act differently on here. My real point here is that you know nothing about me, besides what little I have told you. That data might not even be correct.

 

You seem to *think* you know so much about this...

You have not given me any indication you know ANYTHING.

 

1. I'm not going to "hack" for anyone. Not myself, not ANYONE. I don't do that.

2. I'm in an office all the time, hardly if ever on the phone.

3. When at work, I'm on the phone about 15% of the time I am there with clients.

4. Yes, I'm waiting for someone. Why? I'm not telling you. You would just come back with some stupid remark. Stay out of that.

5. Trust is earned, NOT given.

 

 

I have more, but I'll save it. Maybe hang it on my wall to admire.

 

**Also might I mention that PixieBehave and sunflower both were intrigued by this idea.

[velvet]

One thing that ticked me off already! He still communicates with not only one but two of his ex g/f. Now do you want a man like that in your life? I don't think you do! I don't think anyone would unless they honestly didn't give a shi~.

 

If you find yourself getting emotionally involved. Do yourself the greatest favor and save yourself from a heartbreak. Drop him.

 

Do it, than when he questions it, tell him straight out your not interested in someone who commune with dead. After all when we brake up with partners, we live as if they were dead. Thats the way its supposed to be. "Put in a very ugly way" I realize that, but its the truth of it. The only reason a parter should have to still touch base with one another would be for parental reasons.

[wunderbugg]

So what if PixieBehave and sunflower were "intrigued" by your "offer".....I think it's nothing more than mere human nature to be curious as to whether someone you care about is playing games. Don't pat yourself on the back too quickly here.

 

Secondly, you most certainly DID offer to teach her how to cyber-snoop on him, so why you're denying it now, I have no idea (or maybe I do):

 

"Well, there is a way to find out EXACTLY what he is doing. I've done this quite a few times. The information that is usually found is SHOCKING... in all of the cases that I have worked on.

I would say he shows signs of being dishonest."

 

"Even if you did go "my" method, you'd learn things you didn't want to know about him.

 

It was at this point, that poor Pixie, in her state of desperately wanting to know if she's being played, expressed much interest in being able to find out what her guy is up to. And then you responded as follows (clearly making it known that if she mailed you, you'd tell her in private "HOW" to check up on him):

 

 

"Perhaps if you became a member of this site, you could private message me on here. It only takes a minute, and it's painless . I'd rather not spread this info around a whole forum."

 

I don't know whether you're just trying to dazzle the women here with your "knowledge" or what you do for a living, but with all due respect, you need some help if you are encouraging people to cyber-snoop on their partners the way you're obviously doing. Hacking is illegal. Tracing someone's online activity, unless you're an Internet Provider or Law Enforcement (with a court order, I might add), it's illegal. And i imagine if your employer knew you were online, shooting your mouth off about how capable you are of snooping on someone, due to things you've learned in your job, you wouldn't have a job for long.

 

Cyber-snooping is wrong. It's as wrong and illegal as opening someone else's snail mail. Why do you think that is?

 

What you and some others fail to miss is............we all have a brain and instinct for a reason. 9 out of 10 times if we feel we're being played, or there's undisputable proof that things aren't adding up, that's all the proof we need to get out of the relationship...unless we're doormats and enjoy being played.

 

Are you a moderator at this site? I sure hope not. I can't imagine the host of this site appreciating his moderators going around offering to teach stressed-out posters how to break the law.

 

I won't say any more on this. I think you seriously need to take a good hard look at yourself, and maybe seek professional help..because it's clear you don't "get" why what you're advising is wrong on so many levels. Adios.

[Bill]

Just to clear up some facts you have no clue about.

 

Tracing someone's online activity, unless you're an Internet Provider or Law Enforcement (with a court order, I might add), it's illegal.

WRONG. Most likely someone's doing this to you right now and you don't know it. It's how advertisers know your interests.

 

I don't do "hacking" for anyone. As I said before, which you clearly don't understand, I wanted to see if they would be willing to go that path to find out more information about their significant other.

 

Really, you need to stop offering advice on something you have NO CLUE about. It just makes you sound silly. All you need is an idea and people will find their OWN way to accomplish things.

 

You are not even a member at this site. I didn't miss anything dear. You can "think" all you want. Pehaps this all scares you because you are one that lies and cheats in a relationship... well, I hope you get what you deserve. I'm sure you live in a great place where you can trust everyone. Where I live, it's not so great. People have tried to attack me, most likely to steal money. Would I let them? NO. Have I let them, NO. Point here being that you can't trust anyone 100%...

 

And who did I teach to "break the law"? I don't think I gave anyone this information. Not in this chat, nor in PM. AGAIN.. I was merely trying to see if they were willing to do such a thing.

 

Seek professional help... how typical. I'd ask you to look in a mirror, but you'd probably miss your reflection.

 

You clearly show signs of being dishonest. You state facts of which you have no knowledge about.

 

Good Day.

[Ally Boo]

Have any of you seen the "Sex In The City" Episode where Carrie is dating this wonderful guy who she just KNOWS something is wrong with. He leaves to go to this Soccer game he is coaching or something, leaves her at home, and she tears his apartment up looking for ANYTHING that might prove her fears right. He catches her red handed. And even though she isn't a dishonest person by nature, that just ruins it. He told her he came home early to spend more time with her because he cared so much about her. But the fact that she betrayed his trust ended the relationship...and she ended up looking like a jack ass.

 

Soooooo I guess what I'm trying to say is. You can't do something like that without offending the other person. If you care about looking like an ethical person, then ask the guy straight up. If you aren't satisfied with the answer he gives you, and your gut tells you differently, then walk away. That way, you walk away with dignity and self respect.

 

And as far as the thing Bill was talking about, and people hiding things from their husbands/wives/bf/gf. What goes around comes around. There are some things that we CAN'T do anything about. And that's God's job...and what Karma is for.

[Bill]

In a perfect world, everything happens nicely. If something does go wrong, it is made right automatically.

 

Too bad we don't live there.

[midori]

You wouldn't feel uneasy if there wasn't something to feel uneasy about. Have you asked him up front what the deal is with your relationship? Does he consider it to be an exclusive, committed thing?

 

Sounds like you need some clarification. You should ask for it. You should also be in a relationship where you feel comfortable asserting yourself in a reasonable way, such as saying, "if you're going online, I'm leaving." No way(!) is that tolerable -- why did you put up with it even once?

 

It sounds to me like you value him much more than he does you. Which is in no way a measurement of your worth, it's just a simple fact. You're not going to win him over by sitting quietly when he is blatantly rude/callous toward you. You're not going to win him over by being available for him at his convenience. You're CERTAINLY not going to win him over by spying on him (or even bringing up the fact that he goes offline when you go on). You probably aren't going to win him over at all (hate to say it) but you just MIGHT if you stand up for yourself: don't allow him to mistreat you by blowing you off or ignoring you when you're right there in the room with him. He goes online, you go out the door -- and you don't call him, or even take his calls until he apologizes. You note a consistent tendency of his to go offline the minute you get on, so you ask him, "what's up with that?" What would be wrong with him responding to an IM from you with, "I'm in the middle of another conversation right now. Can I catch up with you later?" I do agree that his behavior is very suspicious, as if he knows that he's engaged in something you would take issue with if you knew.

 

So I suggest you lose this guy. Do it with the assumption that he's just not interested enough in you to be worth the effort and don't look back. If he pursues you, great! But don't count on it.

 

As an aside... you might want to try finding someone closer to your own age. I know, I know, women are often more emotionally mature than men, and this guy sounds quite immature, but from what you've described there seems to be a real power gap in your relationship with him. Would you tolerate such behavior from a guy closer to your own age? He might come across initially as more condfident and mature and stable, but this guy's behavior is quite adolescent. Don't let someone's age/professional status, etc. blind you to what they're doing.

[Ally Boo]

You should talk to him about it, chances are, he doesn't realize he's being rude.