Need help!

[jasmine]

I am currently living with someone I met last October -- I moved in with him in March. He and I are perfectly matched, and we love each other more than either of us ever thought possible.

 

Here's my dilemma. We had been discussing marriage (it would not be a first for either of us; both have been burned and are a little gun shy at this point), but now he's running both hot and cold on the subject.

 

Here's a "for example" -- He tells me he wants me to be his wife one day, then tells my friend (who's notarizing some papers for him) that it was the "spousal consent" section that had him confused and said that he should have burned the whole thing up when he saw that section. Later, he asks me about diamonds for an engagement ring and then tells a mutual friend that he'll "never make that mistake again."

 

Ah, but there's a twist to this. Last week, an ex-boyfriend (who I had been friends with after our break up) sent me an e-mail telling me I was the one for me and that he wants me to come back to him and marry him. Now, I have NO interest in this man at all and told him so.

 

The problem is that I also told my boyfriend about the e-mail due to a lapse of intelligence on my part. I don't know why I told him, and I regret doing it. Maybe subconsciously I wanted him to be jealous. Maybe I was just really stupid that day since I hadn't slept at all for two evenings preceding the e-mail.

 

Regardless, before I even got the e-mail, I'd been pondering the whole marriage issue because of his on-again-off-again "interest" in the subject. Here's my question....

 

How do I approach him about this, or do I approach him at all? Personally, I WANT to be married to him. I know that he is the one person that was made for me and who I was made to be with. I also know, though, that marriage is never a guarantee, but it means something to me to be married and not just living with someone.

 

I don't want it to seem like the old boyfriend's proposal sparked this interest in knowing what his plans for us are, but I also need to know where we stand and where we're going.

 

Any comments, suggestions?

[clia]

Okay, so you've known this guy 10 months and moved in with him after five. You two moved fast!

 

I think it's normal for guys to be somewhat hot/cold on the issue of being married. It's a huge decision, and you two haven't known each other all that long.

 

But that said, if you want to be married, you need to ask him what his intentions are pronto. (Because if he doesn't ultimately want it in a reasonable amount of time, you are doing nothing but wasting your time.)

 

So, ask him what his intentions are with regard to marriage.

 

If he says yes, ask him for a timeframe (i.e. a ring within X months, whatever you are comfortable with), and if he doesn't stick to it, leave.

 

If he says no, leave.

 

If he waffles, give him some time to think about it (maybe a couple of months), and tell him that he needs to decide within that timeframe so you can move on with your life if he doesn't want marriage. If he can't decide, leave. If he does decide, ask him for a timeframe, and if he doesn't stick to it, leave.

 

There's no reason to stay in this if you aren't going to ultimately get what you want. But, the kicker is that you have to be prepared to leave him if he does not want to get married.

 

You have every right to know where you stand with him, especially since you are living with him. You have better things to do than to be his entertainment director for the next X years while he figures out his issues.

[jasmine]

Thanks, clia.

 

I know I have to talk to him about it, and I am not sure what my reaction will be if he responds that he's not interested in marriage. And I'm not so sure I'm ready to know his answer.

 

Whatever happens I know I'll live, but the quality of life will blow. For a while at least.

 

:-)

[velvet]

Test your love first. If your still happy with him after ten years than get married! But if your in that much of hurry than you need to the right moment during the right time, right conversation to have a heart to heart with him. Talk about it to death if you have to.

 

My guy is just as wishy washy. It sucks. I wouldn't marry into it. Your basically signing a contract that could possibly cost you your life savings if you break it by marrying someone so soon.

 

Be sure! You might be sure now, in ten years regret it.

Marriage means you already fully understand, know, breath, and can read your partner like a book.

 

Give yourself at least three years.

[Ally Boo]

Maybe 10 years seems like forever to me because I'm young, but I mean what if they have kids within that 10 years. Don't you think that might make it a little harder? Or am I just thinking too much?

[velvet]

Yep, I take marriage as serious as a heart attack. I know couples who hate each other, some who are still in love with each other, healthy, unhealthy, psychotic and even perfect r/s.

 

I believe its just to easy to get married. I was engaged for four years at one time. I didn't realize that I was falling out of love until I was in my fourth year. It was a good thing I didn't get married.

 

What is marriage? Its supposed to be sacred. Its when two people make a bond forever and always. For most of us, love doesn't last that long.

 

The only reason two people should make such a commitment would be when building a family. That would be my only reason to marry.

 

I just think 11 months is too soon. Maybe the love is real, maybe it will last forever. When you don't know someone inside and out than marriage should not enter the mind.

[Ally Boo]

My parents have been married 25 years and have a really good marriage. So good, that it gave me a warped view on marriage and when I had a divorce I was FREAKED OUT...divorces just don't happen in my family.

 

Anyway, Daddy always said that it takes 5 years of being married to someone before you TRULY know them. Now that I'm with Michael and we are talking about getting married, he told me that it's ok to be scared and terrified...but what's the worst that can happen? You get divorced. I've been down that road already. So I have nothing to lose. And if we got married and DID have kids, I know what kinda man Michael is, and I know he'd never make that difficult. THAT's how I know I can get married to him, and if I don't give it a good 5 years, I'll never know.

[AcidReflux]

You make me feel squishy baby.

 

I don't regret the things I have done, but I do regret the things I haven't done. You will never know unless you take the risk. "He who risks wins" Even if you lose.

 

Michael