yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 A group of us were talking the other day. And we got on the subject of the other woman. I seem to get alot of questions from friends since I am the only one who has a MM as a BF. Anyway my friends either know him personally or know about him. I have had some friends that have chosen not to speak with me because of the situtation I am involved in. Which is fine ..whatever I was wondering and I think only a BS could answer this. Since you have been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse. How would you handle a close friend who was cheating and then left the spouse to be with the other person. Would you continue your friendship and would you be okay with the new person in their life? Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 A group of us were talking the other day. And we got on the subject of the other woman. I seem to get alot of questions from friends since I am the only one who has a MM as a BF. Anyway my friends either know him personally or know about him. I have had some friends that have chosen not to speak with me because of the situtation I am involved in. Which is fine ..whatever I was wondering and I think only a BS could answer this. Since you have been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse. How would you handle a close friend who was cheating and then left the spouse to be with the other person. Would you continue your friendship and would you be okay with the new person in their life? If the friendship was unconditional, they'd support your every decision. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If the friendship was unconditional, they'd support your every decision. No offense or anything but the only unconditional relationship that exists in this world is between parent and child. And even then it's not usually unconditional. I am of the opinion, from research and experience, that human beings are mostly incapable of having "unconditional" relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 If the friendship was unconditional, they'd support your every decision. Maybe a wet noodle beating thrown in there too Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 True...But if you were a BS would you still have the friend over with the new person and bring them into the group? If the friendship was unconditional, they'd support your every decision. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 No offense or anything but the only unconditional relationship that exists in this world is between parent and child. And even then it's not usually unconditional. I am of the opinion, from research and experience, that human beings are mostly incapable of having "unconditional" relationships. Sad thing is your right, but it does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Think that would work? Maybe a wet noodle beating thrown in there too Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I'll answer this as to how i think you are asking. Not quite sure of your question. I think you are saying if a married man cheats who you are friends with and leaves his wife will you accept the mm and the "new" girlfriend or shun them. The problem is if you are friends with the mm then you are most likely good friends with the wife. In this situation most people support the hurt party and help them through it. Any couples divorce situation my husband and i have been through with friends we have always remained friends with the spouse who was left behind not the one who went on to make a new life before even leaving. Now if it was a situation where you were just friends with mm through work and you didn't know the wife then sure why not? You would continue your friendship with him because you have no allegience to the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 So you would turn your back on your friend....Why couldnt you still be their friend? Does that mean your friendship with them was fake. And you were only friends with them when you approved of them. Seems like a oneside friendship. I'll answer this as to how i think you are asking. Not quite sure of your question. I think you are saying if a married man cheats who you are friends with and leaves his wife will you accept the mm and the "new" girlfriend or shun them. The problem is if you are friends with the mm then you are most likely good friends with the wife. In this situation most people support the hurt party and help them through it. Any couples divorce situation my husband and i have been through with friends we have always remained friends with the spouse who was left behind not the one who went on to make a new life before even leaving. Now if it was a situation where you were just friends with mm through work and you didn't know the wife then sure why not? You would continue your friendship with him because you have no allegience to the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I think there are going to be a lot of different answers here, because it depends on who is really friends with who and so on. Whenever there is a break-up it's difficult for friends... do you invite one or both of the exes..? etc. The fact that one of them was cheating on the other probably makes a difference to some people, but not others. On the whole I'd say that most people would move on from the whole 'started as an affair' thing unless they had strong reasons for disliking the people concerned anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Think that would work? Depends. Have my doubts though Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 So you would turn your back on your friend....Why couldnt you still be their friend? Does that mean your friendship with them was fake. And you were only friends with them when you approved of them. Seems like a oneside friendship. unfortunately when a couple goes through a bad divorce which infidelity will cause, you can not remain friends with both of them. You can not invite both to your parties. You have to choose who to remain friends with. The cheater normally is hiding and not keeping in contact with his friends as much out of guilt. The cheaters guilt will keep him from happily flaunting the "new" girlfriend in front of all the mutual friends. The spouse left behind will most likely remain friends with their circle of friends. The cheater will begin a new life with his cheatee girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 So if your H lets say. Wanted to remain friends with the CHEATER ( as you call him ). You wouldnt allow it. He wouldnt be able to come over and watch a sporting event on TV. unfortunately when a couple goes through a bad divorce which infidelity will cause, you can not remain friends with both of them. You can not invite both to your parties. You have to choose who to remain friends with. The cheater normally is hiding and not keeping in contact with his friends as much out of guilt. The cheaters guilt will keep him from happily flaunting the "new" girlfriend in front of all the mutual friends. The spouse left behind will most likely remain friends with their circle of friends. The cheater will begin a new life with his cheatee girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 oh and the spouse who was cheated on and lied to for so long needs their friends much more than the one out tramping around having fun on the side. Who you are friends with for me is not based on a judgment of oh he cheated i will not be friends with him. I am just telling you the reality of what seems to be the case with married couples and this situation. The betrayed spouse reaches out to friends for support and keeps them the cheater hides for a bit and doesn't publicly display his new/old hidden secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Here's my 2 cents, since I was in a related situation not too long ago. I'm a BS, and one of my lifelong best friends was cheating on her husband and pondering leaving him. Both situations were occurring at roughly the same time; however, when D-Day happened for me, I split from my ex-husband and spiraled downward in pain, while her situation dragged on for another year, because her husband still didn't know and she wasn't ready to make a decision. Yes, YSM, it was incredibly hard for me. Since you pose the question, I hope you will try to appreciate what it does feel like, from the BS' point of view, to watch a trusted, close friend behave in a way that feels achingly familiar and has caused you so much personal pain. My primary loyalty was and is to her - we've been friends since childhood and she's like a sister to me. But I've also known her husband for many years and it was impossible for me not to empathize with him. He knew something was wrong, of course, but didn't know what. I wrestled with the fleeting thought of telling him, but I knew I couldn't do that, and I honestly thought that perhaps I could help more if I remained as a trusted support system for her - by being a voice for him, and gently (sometimes, not so gently, although I mostly managed to restrain myself from projecting) encouraging her to make a decision one way or the other rather than leaving everyone in painful limbo. But reserving judgment was hard, and I didn't always succeed. She knew what I was going through, and was supportive of my individual situation, but refused to draw the parallels to her own. To some extent, that was fair, and I acknowledged that. Naturally, everyone is different. But there were parallels, as there always are, and the pain is one of them. However, she was very caught up in the turmoil of her own emotions and the choices she had to make, and didn't want to see that she might be acting in any way similarly to the way my despised exH had acted. From time to time, when I succumbed to my own pain, I thought her behavior was unbelievably selfish. I thought it was selfish of her to put on the blinders and forget what I was going through in her need to salve her own hurt. But I love her, and I know the terrible turmoil she was in - and I wanted to help her through it, and just be a listening ear when she needed me to. So I bit my tongue against saying the angry things that I thought, more times than I can say. And eventually, she did find some peace, and made her choice (in this case, she stayed with her husband). And, she told me, she was very, very grateful that I was willing to be there for her when she needed me. That was good to hear, because I felt I had tried hard to do just that, and it was difficult. But I wonder sometimes if she appreciates just how hard it really was for me. Compartmentalization is essential to MM/MW, and she didn't only compartmentalize her relationships with her husband and her OM, but also her relationship with me, although I don't think she realized it. I had already been on the wrong end of that compartmentalization, and to receive it, yet again, from a most trusted friend was a bitter pill to swallow. Still, when she focused on my situation, she was so supportive of what I was going through - she gave me endless hours of her own time to listen to my pain and bolster me up, and soothe me when I could barely breathe through my unhappiness. But we never talked directly about how awkward that situation was - I was her best friend, and her most trusted confidante, but I'm sure she knows on some level that it was a strange, awkward twist of fate that I should be the one in whom she confided the daily details of her infidelity. So there you are, YSM. And I hope you will allow your (or his) BS friend a little breathing room before you condemn her for feeling mixed emotions about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I can't really answer this honestly because I don't have any context for who the other person is. I would more likely base my decision on how I felt about the new person to begin with. For example, if I had a friend that was dating a single guy who I thought was abusive, I would have a problem being around them. As far as my friend goes, I have friends that have cheated and ones that have been cheated on. I'm honest with them about how I feel, but my friendship with them has nothing to do with who they date. Unless, like I said above they want their boyfriend to become part of the friendship and in that case I would need to know the man to make that decision. Hope I made sense, it's still early here. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 So if your H lets say. Wanted to remain friends with the CHEATER ( as you call him ). You wouldnt allow it. He wouldnt be able to come over and watch a sporting event on TV. of course he would but because of the bitterness of a divorce caused by infidelity this usually is not the reality. The cheater most likely would not want to spend a day at my house knowing the cheated on may call to chat. GUILT will override the friendship and life goes on. It is normally the cheater who drops the ball on the friendship not the friends of both parties. The cheater goes on to his new life while cheated on remains in her old life minus the cheater. This is from experience. One couple husband and i were both best friends with both parties from college. I was extremely close with her. She cheated over and over. Everytime it happened he was at our doorstep crying and spending the night. Then the cheater assumes we picked his side and drops the friendship. You can't turn the hurt party away for fear the cheater will be hurt. The cheater on the other hand never pops over to talk and the friendship evolves. Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 So if your H lets say. Wanted to remain friends with the CHEATER ( as you call him ). You wouldnt allow it. He wouldnt be able to come over and watch a sporting event on TV. Yousaveme, In my situation, his friends accept me. respect me & invite me to functions. As do my friends with him. His exwife has her own set of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I can't really answer this honestly because I don't have any context for who the other person is. I would more likely base my decision on how I felt about the new person to begin with. For example, if I had a friend that was dating a single guy who I thought was abusive, I would have a problem being around them. As far as my friend goes, I have friends that have cheated and ones that have been cheated on. I'm honest with them about how I feel, but my friendship with them has nothing to do with who they date. Unless, like I said above they want their boyfriend to become part of the friendship and in that case I would need to know the man to make that decision. Hope I made sense, it's still early here. yes but have you and your husband had friends you became friends with as couples split up? If you have don't you think the majority of the time it is the cheated on who keeps the couple friends? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 yes but have you and your husband had friends you became friends with as couples split up? If you have don't you think the majority of the time it is the cheated on who keeps the couple friends? We actually do have friends who have divorced and the man re-married. Needless to say it was very uncomfortable in the beggining, mostly for the OW. Now they both have thieir separate lives and we are still part of both of their lives. We did not take sides as we liked them both equally. But, if the wife was a close friend of mine, yes then I would certainly side with my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I can't really answer this honestly because I don't have any context for who the other person is. Well this is really how I feel about it. It all depends on who the people are who are involved (for me, and for my friends). I do think noforgiveness is correct that if it's friends of the original couple then people would tend to remain friends with the BS, because that's the person who will be needing most support, etc. And for the other reasons she said. However the question was about 'a close personal friend' who cheated on their spouse... i.e. a close personal friend of yours, and wasn't really aimed at the 'couples' friends. Most people have a mix of friends who are 'their own' and others who are more friends because you're all in couples. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hey, YSM, what did your group of friends have to say about the subject? Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 My friends are my friends. They frequently make decisions I don't agree with but I would not drop them because I don't appove of their choices. I have had to stay away from some of my friends because they were making very bad decisions. (drugs for an example) I always let them know I will be there for them, but I can't have that kind of destructive behaviour in my life, even more so now that I have a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hey didnt want you to think I was ignoring you. Give me a few...Im in the middle of something and will be back in a few mins... My friends had alot to say... Hey, YSM, what did your group of friends have to say about the subject? Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyRules Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 We can just be friends to everyone. One big happy family. It's really not a big deal when you think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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