Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Okay, I was asked how my friends responded to this...Here goes. In the beginning my friends were not supportive of the situtation. They saw a road of pain for me. They didnt think that highly of my BF either. A few of them went as far as getting online and giving him a piece of their mind. He handled it very well. And answered every question thrown at him. As time went on they saw his feelings and intentions with me. They saw how we are together. Most of them are fine with us. I had a few who did turn their back on me. One was someone who was in the beginning of a divorce. I chalked it up to her being in pain. She had alot to say about me behind my back. And i then reliezed she wasnt a true friend to me. My friendship with her was between me and her shouldnt have changed because of my situtation. She did try and come back into my life when she heard we were caught and broke up. I turned her away. A friend is there in bad times and good. As far as his friends mostly are involved as couples the wives are friends with the wives and husbands are involved with the husbands. He does have a friend that cheated and left to be with the other woman when the time was right. He told me that things were alittle weird when in a group setting and the wives were around. But after some time passed no one really cares about it. They continue their friendship with the BS and it is worked around. The kids are all friends. So they make do. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Okay, I was asked how my friends responded to this...Here goes. In the beginning my friends were not supportive of the situtation. They saw a road of pain for me. They didnt think that highly of my BF either. A few of them went as far as getting online and giving him a piece of their mind. He handled it very well. And answered every question thrown at him. As time went on they saw his feelings and intentions with me. They saw how we are together. Most of them are fine with us. I had a few who did turn their back on me. One was someone who was in the beginning of a divorce. I chalked it up to her being in pain. She had alot to say about me behind my back. And i then reliezed she wasnt a true friend to me. My friendship with her was between me and her shouldnt have changed because of my situtation. She did try and come back into my life when she heard we were caught and broke up. I turned her away. A friend is there in bad times and good. As far as his friends mostly are involved as couples the wives are friends with the wives and husbands are involved with the husbands. He does have a friend that cheated and left to be with the other woman when the time was right. He told me that things were alittle weird when in a group setting and the wives were around. But after some time passed no one really cares about it. They continue their friendship with the BS and it is worked around. The kids are all friends. So they make do. In the beginning some of my friends were supportive, others said I'd get hurt (they were right ) no one has refused to speak to me because of my involvement with him. Some of them have criticised him, but they're ones who haven't met him, PLUS they're only looking out for me, and I appreciate it. As far as MM's friends go, well he has plenty from work, but he never socialises with them out of work. He has a couple of friends who are his friends, and he's told one of them about us. That person was supportive of him (and that person has also had an affair, but decided to stay with his W in the end) and would remain friends with him if/when he divorces. The friends they have as a couple, he envisages will 'side' with her or they won't keep up contact anyway as they're really 'couples' friends. MM and I envisage keeping most of my friends, and making a new set as a couple. I don't know about most people on this forum, but I know lots of people who have been in affairs, or ended marriages or partnerships and life goes on after some degree of adjustment. As I said in my first post... splits are awkward anyway, even when there is NO infidelity involved. Link to post Share on other sites
PollyPocket Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I dont understand this post...You want to take the husband and now you want to take the friends.. What is next the house, the kids. Go get your own life. Stop trying to live in someone else's. You really lack in moral fiber. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 frannie does it bother you that the one friend he chose as his closest to tell about you is also a cheater and also that he chose when snagged to stay in his marriage. Are you sure these men aren't two goodole boys just having some fun? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 frannie does it bother you that the one friend he chose as his closest to tell about you is also a cheater and also that he chose when snagged to stay in his marriage. Are you sure these men aren't two goodole boys just having some fun? Well no, because I know my MM. MM doesn't have many friends outside work and the couples friends. The other MM wasn't snagged... he just decided that he was being a fool. What he asked my MM: you have to decide, who do you want to spend your retirement with..? For MM's friend, the answer was his W, and that's why he broke it off with his OW (no Dday, W knows nothing about it to this day). For MM... he said that was the moment he knew that we'd be together, because his answer was completely different. Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I dont understand this post...You want to take the husband and now you want to take the friends.. What is next the house, the kids. Go get your own life. Stop trying to live in someone else's. You really lack in moral fiber. Are you talkin' to me?? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well no, because I know my MM. MM doesn't have many friends outside work and the couples friends. The other MM wasn't snagged... he just decided that he was being a fool. What he asked my MM: you have to decide, who do you want to spend your retirement with..? For MM's friend, the answer was his W, and that's why he broke it off with his OW (no Dday, W knows nothing about it to this day). For MM... he said that was the moment he knew that we'd be together, because his answer was completely different. he needs to tell his wife now then. That is not fair to her. Let her out of this marriage now so she can plan her future which is probably all revolving around a man who does not want her in the future. What is he waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 he needs to tell his wife now then. That is not fair to her. Let her out of this marriage now so she can plan her future which is probably all revolving around a man who does not want her in the future. What is he waiting for? He's not really waiting for anything now. I think he's (finally) ready... ish. The main 'waiting for' was waiting for Christmas to become a memory. He's said he will be out by the end of March. Link to post Share on other sites
PollyPocket Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Whats the word....CAKE EATER he needs to tell his wife now then. That is not fair to her. Let her out of this marriage now so she can plan her future which is probably all revolving around a man who does not want her in the future. What is he waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 He's not really waiting for anything now. I think he's (finally) ready... ish. The main 'waiting for' was waiting for Christmas to become a memory. He's said he will be out by the end of March. End of march??? When's easter?? Seriously Christmas is over. So what is he doing for valentines day? Sorry this is cruel to his wife and you. Does his wife have a clue? Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Whats the word....CAKE EATER Cake & cookie eaters:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Frannie: Are there kids involved? Sorry I dont remember your story Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 well to answer the original question... he knew if he cheated again with ANYONE he would be out - without any discussion... and that's the way it happened. 20 years - wasted... locks changed, money moved, passwords changed... he is so sorry now - he says... ya right! he is only sorry he got caught! life seems easier to not worry about the person who is supposed to love you the most will betray you... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 In my experience, whoever you are more "friends" with is how the social circle remains...and most women tend to socialize more with their family and husbands family if they are stay-at-home moms...so when the D happens, the H gets to keep his friends and family and the W is left to rebuild her own circle of friends... This happened to me...I married young and my xh family became my closest friends, so when I left, I lost a lot of friends...and i think that's true of a lot of women in D, unless they work... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I can tell you my experience. I cheated on my exH years ago at the end of our marriage and all the mutual friends took his side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 maybe its me...i just dont understand this... I can tell you my experience. I cheated on my exH years ago at the end of our marriage and all the mutual friends took his side. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 maybe its me...i just dont understand this... are you THAT self centered that you don't get this. The person who was cheated on will be SUFFERING. They will need support. They will need a shoulder and an ear and they will need their friends while the cheater has his prized ow/om to be there. You can not support the cheated on spouse by going out partying with the cheater when she is not crying on your shoulder. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 maybe its me...i just dont understand this... The ironic part is, I cheated on him with his close friend -- they remained friends, but I had to go it alone. That's just the way it is. Life is tough. That's why we develop a thick skin. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 It really depends on what would happen with my friendships. Almost everyone that I know that cheats, cheats with someone that I know. So I can base it on a couple of things. If I liked both members of the couple and knew and liked the OP, that would be extremely ackward, but the cheater would lose out most likely (for a bit until things settled down). If I liked both people in the couple and disliked the OP, the cheater and OP are definitely out. If I disliked BS and liked the OP, I won't be quick to accept the OP with the WS, though. I might dislike the BS, but I am not heartless. In all of this rambling, I think I am trying to say that it depends on a lot of variables. But NF is right, the cheater usually does go underground and hide out for quite a bit, unless they are just one arrogant mof*cker. And unless no one likes the BS, most will try to support them, especially if there are children involved and the A is widely known about. Which is usually the case in my circle, as we mostly know or know of each other. The waywards usually lose friendships while in the A anyway, blowing folks off to hang out with their OP. Once folks find out, they tend to feel cheated too. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Is it other people's experience that the man gets most of the mutual friends? And the women gets the friends that she always had? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I'm biting my tongue.... are you THAT self centered that you don't get this. The person who was cheated on will be SUFFERING. They will need support. They will need a shoulder and an ear and they will need their friends while the cheater has his prized ow/om to be there. You can not support the cheated on spouse by going out partying with the cheater when she is not crying on your shoulder. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 are you THAT self centered that you don't get this. The person who was cheated on will be SUFFERING. They will need support. They will need a shoulder and an ear and they will need their friends while the cheater has his prized ow/om to be there. You can not support the cheated on spouse by going out partying with the cheater when she is not crying on your shoulder. in my case - my spouse was the cheater - and he was also needing a shoulder to cry on... looking to our friends for support... i never asked anyone to take sides - in fact i told our dear friends NOT to take sides... that they could be friends to both of us - as we both needed that stability. some remain friends with both and some chose to be only my friend. you cannot make that decision for others... you can only encourage them not to join in the uncomfortable situation you find yourself in... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Your kidding me they all stayed friends but turned their back to you....OMG...that is unreal.. The ironic part is, I cheated on him with his close friend -- they remained friends, but I had to go it alone. That's just the way it is. Life is tough. That's why we develop a thick skin. Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I'm biting my tongue.... Good for you!!!! Behave now OK. Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Your kidding me they all stayed friends but turned their back to you....OMG...that is unreal.. It's sad but thats how people look at it sometimes. I won't say the BS deserves friends more than the WS, but I agree with NF. The BS's are the ones who probably need more support in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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