Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS... in my case - my spouse was the cheater - and he was also needing a shoulder to cry on... looking to our friends for support... i never asked anyone to take sides - in fact i told our dear friends NOT to take sides... that they could be friends to both of us - as we both needed that stability. some remain friends with both and some chose to be only my friend. you cannot make that decision for others... you can only encourage them not to join in the uncomfortable situation you find yourself in... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I meant that to the other poster..That situtation is unreal. It's sad but thats how people look at it sometimes. I won't say the BS deserves friends more than the WS, but I agree with NF. The BS's are the ones who probably need more support in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 The ironic part is, I cheated on him with his close friend -- they remained friends, but I had to go it alone. That's just the way it is. Life is tough. That's why we develop a thick skin. Hey b_O. This sucks. But it usually happens when the W is the one that strayed. Not only does your H or BF treat you like something they own, but everyone else acts like he owns you too. Like you are giving away his p*ss*, if you KWIM. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 End of march??? When's easter?? Seriously Christmas is over. So what is he doing for valentines day? Sorry this is cruel to his wife and you. Does his wife have a clue? I don't know when Easter is. They never do anything for Valentines. No, his wife doesn't know about me and while he's bought up the state of their marriage a few times, and she knows he's not happy with it, she doesn't (as far as he knows) have a real idea he is about to ask for separation/divorce. I don't feel it's cruel to me. I can buy out of this any time I want to, or go NC, or take a break. I'm very happy at the moment. I'm not sure it's cruel to her... he will take as long as he will take to end his marriage. It's not up to me or anyone else to set a timeline. Three months is the date he's said he will definitely be OUT of the house by. Before that there will be lots of conversations, finances to look into, accommodation to sort out, the children to be told, family, and so on. He's not just going to pack a toothbrush and give a cheery wave over his shoulder. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Frannie: Are there kids involved? Sorry I dont remember your story Yes, he has two children, 10 and 11 now. If that wasn't the case he'd have left a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I hear ya...Same here. Its rough Yes, he has two children, 10 and 11 now. If that wasn't the case he'd have left a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Is it other people's experience that the man gets most of the mutual friends? And the women gets the friends that she always had? For be it has varied. With my first long-term boyfriend that's exactly what happened. But it was my decision to split rather than a mutual one, and I moved away. So it was natural that he kept all the friends. I went to university and made a new social circle anyway. With my partner before last we still actually live together, though we've split as a couple, and we didn't lose any friends We do have a lot more individual friends now though... a shared circle, and our own groups of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Here's my 2 cents, since I was in a related situation not too long ago. I'm a BS, and one of my lifelong best friends was cheating on her husband and pondering leaving him. Both situations were occurring at roughly the same time; however, when D-Day happened for me, I split from my ex-husband and spiraled downward in pain, while her situation dragged on for another year, because her husband still didn't know and she wasn't ready to make a decision. Yes, YSM, it was incredibly hard for me. Since you pose the question, I hope you will try to appreciate what it does feel like, from the BS' point of view, to watch a trusted, close friend behave in a way that feels achingly familiar and has caused you so much personal pain. My primary loyalty was and is to her - we've been friends since childhood and she's like a sister to me. But I've also known her husband for many years and it was impossible for me not to empathize with him. He knew something was wrong, of course, but didn't know what. I wrestled with the fleeting thought of telling him, but I knew I couldn't do that, and I honestly thought that perhaps I could help more if I remained as a trusted support system for her - by being a voice for him, and gently (sometimes, not so gently, although I mostly managed to restrain myself from projecting) encouraging her to make a decision one way or the other rather than leaving everyone in painful limbo. But reserving judgment was hard, and I didn't always succeed. She knew what I was going through, and was supportive of my individual situation, but refused to draw the parallels to her own. To some extent, that was fair, and I acknowledged that. Naturally, everyone is different. But there were parallels, as there always are, and the pain is one of them. However, she was very caught up in the turmoil of her own emotions and the choices she had to make, and didn't want to see that she might be acting in any way similarly to the way my despised exH had acted. From time to time, when I succumbed to my own pain, I thought her behavior was unbelievably selfish. I thought it was selfish of her to put on the blinders and forget what I was going through in her need to salve her own hurt. But I love her, and I know the terrible turmoil she was in - and I wanted to help her through it, and just be a listening ear when she needed me to. So I bit my tongue against saying the angry things that I thought, more times than I can say. And eventually, she did find some peace, and made her choice (in this case, she stayed with her husband). And, she told me, she was very, very grateful that I was willing to be there for her when she needed me. That was good to hear, because I felt I had tried hard to do just that, and it was difficult. But I wonder sometimes if she appreciates just how hard it really was for me. Compartmentalization is essential to MM/MW, and she didn't only compartmentalize her relationships with her husband and her OM, but also her relationship with me, although I don't think she realized it. I had already been on the wrong end of that compartmentalization, and to receive it, yet again, from a most trusted friend was a bitter pill to swallow. Still, when she focused on my situation, she was so supportive of what I was going through - she gave me endless hours of her own time to listen to my pain and bolster me up, and soothe me when I could barely breathe through my unhappiness. But we never talked directly about how awkward that situation was - I was her best friend, and her most trusted confidante, but I'm sure she knows on some level that it was a strange, awkward twist of fate that I should be the one in whom she confided the daily details of her infidelity. So there you are, YSM. And I hope you will allow your (or his) BS friend a little breathing room before you condemn her for feeling mixed emotions about the situation. yiu have beig a great for her.It must have being hard...... Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 your friends should support you, and if them don't like you situatiion they may express their feelings but I don't see why they would not talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I hear ya...Same here. Its rough Yes, it is. Very. Because you (as the OW) really have to be understanding, while all the time wanting to say for crying out loud leave! It would be better all round! But you're talking about ending a marriage, and a family breaking up... its just not so easy. And it's not my 'place'. The only choice I have is walk away, or wait and see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I know... Same here. We are going to talk today... I feel ill just thinking about it Yes, it is. Very. Because you (as the OW) really have to be understanding, while all the time wanting to say for crying out loud leave! It would be better all round! But you're talking about ending a marriage, and a family breaking up... its just not so easy. And it's not my 'place'. The only choice I have is walk away, or wait and see. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I know... Same here. We are going to talk today... I feel ill just thinking about it How long have you been involved with him..? What does he say about leaving..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Just about a year. He wants to leave , we have been talking about it for awhile. Its about the kids. Really one right now that is so close to achieveing a dream that they both have. He doesnt want him leaving , have his child take the focus off of that dream. Marriage is dead. Has been long before me. How long have you been involved with him..? What does he say about leaving..? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Just about a year. He wants to leave , we have been talking about it for awhile. Its about the kids. Really one right now that is so close to achieveing a dream that they both have. He doesnt want him leaving , have his child take the focus off of that dream. Marriage is dead. Has been long before me. Sorry you're in that situation. I've been involved with my MM for 3 years. He's said he wants to leave all the way through, but it's really only been in the last 8 months that I think he's accepted that that's what he needs to do for himself as well as for 'us'. When I look back, all the times I thought he might leave, and he's said yes he will tell her... he was nowhere near ready, but I just couldn't see it. I think it's different now. Sorry for the threadjack, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Your right...Things have been getting alittle weird here too...I will be back ...He is here and he said we need to talk...I feel ill Sorry you're in that situation. I've been involved with my MM for 3 years. He's said he wants to leave all the way through, but it's really only been in the last 8 months that I think he's accepted that that's what he needs to do for himself as well as for 'us'. When I look back, all the times I thought he might leave, and he's said yes he will tell her... he was nowhere near ready, but I just couldn't see it. I think it's different now. Sorry for the threadjack, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Your right...Things have been getting alittle weird here too...I will be back ...He is here and he said we need to talk...I feel ill Good luck with that. (hug) Link to post Share on other sites
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