saffrons Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I am married for 3 years now... love my husband, husband loves me... But I had a relationship without commitment with someone before I got married...Its been 7 years now, and i cant forget him... I desire him and only recently discovered that he too loved me all the while...he was too insecure to take a stand with me and now he too is married... we got back in touch exchanging mails and on chat conversations. I only realised that I love him just the same as i used to...and actually more than my husband..All this while whenever I would even chat, i felt that i was cheating on my husband, coz at times, we did reflect on the good times we had. feeling sorry that we cant do anything about it. I felt guilty doing this, but was too weak to let it go as after this long wait of 7 years, i felt that he was responding.. and this is what i had dreamt of all along... I have lived with this person without actually being physically there.. in all my dreams, imaginations, situations ... moreso, coz it was safe not to expect him to love me as well, yet have him all the while in my thoughts... It was futile of course...but it drew me closer to him and his thoughts... Only now its blown up coz i feel he too has feelings still for me.. which i never got from him earlier... Last week I discovered that my husband shares a great friendship with another girl friend of mine - it was quite disturbing for me coz this to me is not 'just' friendship - its more platonic love... i happened to read some mails wherein I would've loved to get them from him myself... They miss each other and are the main support in times of confusion, distress or depression... he doesnt share with me, and i feel as a wife i am not wrong in expecting to be each others' soul mates. It hurt me a lot to know this.. I asked him for an explanation, and he said that there are no 'feelings' that i should question at all.. I dont know what to do.... The first thing I did was to try and clear up my own mess. I discussed with my other friend and we agreed that what we are doing is going to laed us to pain... I should practice what i preach, so should not expect this other friend to be my soul mate or anything --- and expect the same from my husband.. But now, I feel I've lost the only person i could still talk to, while I'm not sure if my husband would still be my soul mate.. My husband knows nothing about this relationship that was... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Good that you cleared things up with your friend. Now start working on your marriage so that you can be the person your H turns to and not his friend. Have you been holding back with your H? Have you distanced yourself from him? Have you been as open with your thoughts with your H as you have been with your friend, or do you avoid talking to your H about important things in your life? Change your behavior - talk to your husband like he's your best friend. It will be easier for him to open up to you if you open up to him. The thing that friends do really well for each other is they listen and they don't judge. They accept you for who you are. Be that kind of friend to your H and he will likely respond in kind. Compliment him every day on small things, like how nice he looks in his blue shirt or how much you appreciate how he can fix the sink or how well he knows how to parallel park - anything and everything. Show your appreciation for who he is! Tell him regularly how lucky you feel to have him in your life, how happy you are that you found each other. Tell him your thoughts, discuss your hopes for the future, the life you'd like to have together. Show him that you support him in what he's doing at work or in writing the great American novel or in rebuilding that old Mustang in the garage. If you show him that you see yourselves as a team, he will start to feel that way. He'll have less need for his friend, and will start thinking of you as his best friend. Try reading a book called, "Light His Fire". It's pretty cheap on Amazon, and has a lot of little things you can do to warm up your relationship. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 To me, it seems you were not getting the emotional support you need from your husband, so you sought and received it from someone else. It seems your husband was feeling the same. We've all had the "what if" senarios as it pertains to our former lovers. In my opinion you both have have engaged in an emotional affair with someone outside your marriage. With that being said, do you and your husband love each other enough to repair this? To me, this seems like a small bump in the road. You and your husband need to have a good heart to heart coversation about each other's needs, (emotional and physical). Marriage counseling will probably do wonders for your relationship. It did for mine. Peace and God Bless. Link to post Share on other sites
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