JamieB Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Is it unrealistic to hope for a completely open and honest relationship where there is no deceitful behavior going on by either partner? It just seems that today, deceit is rampant. I honestly do not know of one healthy relationship where one member has not or is not actively deceiving the other in some form or fashion. Is it more a matter of degree? (ie, white lies vs. big affairs?) Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperingWillow Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I'm in a relationship that is completely honest. We tell each other everything, no matter how hurtful, or anything else. We are completely honest and I have to say this relationship has ruined me for anything other. I love it. It's the best kind of relationship to be in and to be honest I wouldn't trade it. It's liberating. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Great question... I think it is realistic in relationships where both partners are emotionally mature, are willing to hear things in context, and do not play power games on each other. I wish I were in that relationship. Unfortunately, when I am totally honest at the wrong times, that leads my wife making too big of a deal over insignificant things, mis-interpretations of my words as insults or attacks, or her taking mistakes or insecurities I reveal as proof that I am either incompitent or deliberately trying to hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Is it unrealistic to hope for a completely open and honest relationship where there is no deceitful behavior going on by either partner? nowadays? yes its unrealistic I'm in a relationship that is completely honest. ha ha ha, thats impossible Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Both people should be honest with each other but that doesn't always happen. A good relationship will have honesty in it. I'll admit I'm not 100% with the little things but I am trying. The reason that I'm not goes back to when I was younger. I had to learn to lie or stretch things and became really good at it. I even tought my mom how to also so that should say enough about things. But if it's big things of course I share it. Why wouldn't I? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Not trying to sound like a certain president, but it depends how you define honesty. Do you really want to know that your bf had thoughts of hatred towards you because of something you said..when a few hours later he calmed down and realized his stupidity? Do you really want to know what his passing thoughts were towards your sexy friend? Too often complete honesty creates unnecessary fights. However, if you mean that you want him to be straightforward with you and keep no secrets that may hurt your relationship, this is partly possible. But we are human. You will have anger...keep it to yourself. Then share the thoughts in a kind manner. You think he is getting fat...keep it to yourself yet mention that the two of you should begin an exercise program. And the list goes on. I remember my wife and I saying while dating that whenever we felt that we wanted to cheat, we would tell one another so we could prevent it. Such is the naivety of young love. What would happen if I said, "You know...I have the urge to cheat, and it is with Sally, your best friend." Do you think she would rationally try to prevent it? Do you think she would still be as good of a friend to Sally? So, it depends how you define honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperingWillow Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 nowadays? yes its unrealistic ha ha ha, thats impossible I'll take that as a sign of stupidity and assumption your behalf. Yes we are completely honest and even though we say things sometimes and later think "wow how stupid" we still are honest. We can approach and talk about any subject. So until you live my life "Porn Guy" and live my relationship, I would say that what you said is for your own relationship and not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
My Fair Katie Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hmm, like James I'll have to get presidential. There are most certainly things I keep from my husband. 1. My therapy sessions. I do NOT discuss them. They are for my benefit and I don't feel comfortable discussing them. He knows I go to therapy, he just doesn't know what all goes on there. 2. How much I spend on clothes/shoes. It's my money and he'd overreact anyway. 3. My love of VH1 celebreality shows (I'm sure he knows, we just do not speak of it--likewise I have NO idea he watches WWE). 4. His lasagna really isn't the best I've ever tasted. It is pretty good though. Most couples I know are similar. I will say though, that My Fair Husband and I are honest about our dishonesty. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 It depends really on the two individuals involved. I really envy you whisperingwillow because it's a rare find to relationship built on complete honestly. I know we all strive for that goal in our relationships, but it very hard to obtain. I have been condition to provide partial truths. Despite my wife desire for a open and honest relationship, I have learned that total truth causes her to break down into a emotional wreck where by I can no longer rationalize with her. I avoid that like the plague and so if I know it would trigger that response I tend to bite my lip and give answer she wishes to hear. I would love to tell her the honest truth, but as the famous movie line goes. " you can't handle the truth". To be fair I do the same thing to her but my reaction is I get angry and go into my isolationist mode. So It seems I can't handle the truth as well. Anyways, communication breaks down as result and some communication is always better than none. Link to post Share on other sites
Porn_Guy Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 its impossible to be 100% honest all the time. just like its impossible to be 100% untruthful all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperingWillow Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 It depends really on the two individuals involved. I really envy you whisperingwillow because it's a rare find to relationship built on complete honestly. I know we all strive for that goal in our relationships, but it very hard to obtain. I have been condition to provide partial truths. Despite my wife desire for a open and honest relationship, I have learned that total truth causes her to break down into a emotional wreck where by I can no longer rationalize with her. I avoid that like the plague and so if I know it would trigger that response I tend to bite my lip and give answer she wishes to hear. I would love to tell her the honest truth, but as the famous movie line goes. " you can't handle the truth". To be fair I do the same thing to her but my reaction is I get angry and go into my isolationist mode. So It seems I can't handle the truth as well. Anyways, communication breaks down as result and some communication is always better than none. I got lucky I guess. You are right it takes a lot to get that way. He was like that when I met him, at first I hated it, he was blatently honest about everything. If I wore something I loved but he hated, he'd tell me. He encouraged the same from me, in everything. Not just clothing and now we've both been doing it so long that it's like first nature to us. At first I was like your wife but he didn't crumble and I grew to love it and even envied it and with practice and maturity it has become so easy and that way there's nothing that we can't tell each other. I love my relationship with my SO. It was kind of rocky at first because of some issues, we've gotten it out of the way. He has a temper, not frightening but just a temper and I'm the type that doesn't have a temper at all. I will back down. I couldn't have asked for a better person. Or a better relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
loggrad98 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I have to agree with Porn Guy and James. I think it depends on how you define honesty and personally I do not think complete honesty truly exists. I think everyone has told their S.O. little white lies...maybe she is having a really crappy day, on the verge of tears, and she comes to you asking "at least my hair looks good, right" and it absolutely does not, but what do you tell her? "It looks good honey" and you give her a hug. Is that the worst thing in the world? If we were going out I might mention something if I thought it would embarrass her, but to say that I think it does not look good, just for the sake of being 100% honest, knowing it might hurt her needlessly, well that is just selfish and mean-spirited. (besides, I don't like most of what she does to her hair, but it is HER hair, not mine, and not my call) I think if you claim you have NEVER said anything remotely related to this type of instance, I would question your honesty here. It is these kinds of things that smooth over relationships. I do not care for my wifes baked chicken, but it does not really matter whether I like it or not. She likes it, it makes her feel good cause the kids like it, what purpose would it serve for me to tell her "Honey, I love you but I really do not like your chicken"? I usually compliment her on the dinner in general, but I do not usually say anything about the chicken. This kind of thing is the oil that keeps relationships of all kinds moving smoothly. Of course, we are honest about everything that matters...our feelings, what our needs are, how to deal with our children, etc. But to claim you are completely honest about EVERYTHING is more than a tad unrealistic and I believe would be more detrimental in most relationships than it would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 nowadays? yes its unrealistic I agree, unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 One of the major reasons I was initially attracted to my bf was because he was a brutally honest, forthright person - and he thought the same of me. One of the big strengths of our relationship is the openess between us - yet I don't think it's possible to be completely, wholly and utterly truthful all of the time. Even if someone is committed to being totally honest and open, there's still the fact that some matters are open/subject to individual interpretation. I've had many rows with my bf over situations where I told him (honestly) my version of events, and he's perceived things differently and thus accused me of lying. There's also the fact that many situations in which we're involved are extremely high on the emotion factor. Emotions are transient and often, the recollection and/or interpretation of these events after the fact varies greatly. Hence, trying to express and articulate these feelings in a precise manner can be impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Is it unrealistic to hope for a completely open and honest relationship where there is no deceitful behavior going on by either partner? It just seems that today, deceit is rampant. I honestly do not know of one healthy relationship where one member has not or is not actively deceiving the other in some form or fashion. Is it more a matter of degree? (ie, white lies vs. big affairs?) Absolutely NOT! My wife's and my relationship and marriage is built on trust, admiration, respect and, above all, honesty. Neither of us would have it any other way. We both insist upon it. There is also love, longing and sensuality. Why would anyone settle for less? If you knew us you'd know at least one couple where there is no deceit whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperingWillow Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Absolutely NOT! My wife's and my relationship and marriage is built on trust, admiration, respect and, above all, honesty. Neither of us would have it any other way. We both insist upon it. There is also love, longing and sensuality. Why would anyone settle for less? If you knew us you'd know at least one couple where there is no deceit whatsoever. See there's two now. My relationship and now yours. It is possible. You have to be mature enough to handle all instances. Link to post Share on other sites
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