He wants to see me

[kristybelle]

Some background: He's an alcoholic, shortly after we broke up he got back together with his ex after I did a month of complete and icy NC. He originally broke things off because he felt he was getting too attached, tried to come back because he missed me and I refused because he wasn't ready "for a relationship." I've done mostly NC since then, although I've sent maybe three text messages. I haven't seen him or talked to him in person or on the phone in a long time.

 

I went home for my grandmother's funeral and he came up really drunk to visit me. Last night I heard him in the hall but his roommate convinced him not to ring the doorbell. His roommate knows the situation with me. I have the feeling that he'll come up again: he's nothing if not persistent. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to him if he comes up again?

 

I want to be here for him if he needs to talk--he has a lot of problems with his drinking and his family, and I still love him very much and want to be someone he can talk to. However, I just can't be his second choice when he's fighting with her. I can't let him kiss me or stay over or anything like that. If he wants to be with me again, he'll have to make some changes that he probably isn't ready or willing to make. It feels wrong to ignore him because I want him to eventually agree to get help, and in the past I've been the only person he would listen to. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid that I'll be tempted to take him back even without those conditions because I have been missing him a lot and I'm not even close to over him. Also, I've been trying my best to move on, talking to a new guy and making plans. On the other hand, I want him to know he has someone he can talk to and who will listen to him and help him.

 

Please tell me what to do.

[CaliGuy]

IMHO, he's off limits until he sobers up. You can't force him to do that, he has to want to do it on his own.

 

Stick to NC. It's your best option right now. He's damaged goods and is incapable in his current state of being in a healthy relationship.

[Hazel Eyes]

Hey CaliGuy,

 

I was wondering if you could give me your guy's perspective on breaking up...

 

I'm 28 and was dating a 22 year old. I know. Well, after 1.5 years he dumped me, saying that we were too different and that he wanted to focus on getting his life together.

 

I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks and then he popped up on my msn. I was kind of nervous, but it was ok. He just went on and on all excited to tell me about what's new in his life and ask about mine. I was pretty cautious but courteous.

 

Then, a week later, he asked me to meet him for coffee. We made plans to meet at Borders and he was nervous. I felt calm and cool. I was really impressed with myself and thought that I was okay being "friends". He and I spoke for about and hour and he seemed to be lingering and asked if we could go for a walk. We ended up seeing a movie and he even called me as I drove home after.

 

Then a week later he invited me over to his house. We ended up spending the weekend together running errands and watching movies and hanging out.

 

He started calling me "baby" and calling me at work whenever something in his life would come up. He told me that I'm the only one in his life who he can talk to.

 

I finally emailed him a few days ago and told him that I'm in a point of my life where I want to be in a relationship. And that I understand that he doesn't and that's fine, that he is young and should go out and date and meet people and have fun. But I told him that I can't be friends for now because it is too hard for me to shift gears, especially so soon after breaking up.

 

Here's my question for a guy... Why does he want to be so close with me and not be "with" me?

 

Thanks

[lorr]

I really do sympathise with your story. But the only person that can make a change and get help is your ex. He has to be willing to recognise his drink problem, and seek help.

I know that you want to be there for him, but it will be an never-ending pattern, and it will emotionally drain you.

The only person he should be talking to is a trained counsellor that specialises in people with alcohol issues.At the moment he is co-dependent on you, and the longer you keep making excuses for his behaviour, the more likely that he won't help hiimself. I'm afraid your going to have to be cruel to be kind.

 

As Caliguy has said he is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. You deserve better then what he cannot offer you at this present moment in time.