xaouen Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 i've been living with my boyfriend for just over two years, before we lived together the sex was great, since i've moved in it's been a problem. he used to blame his lack of interest in sex on me, but i never really bought it. it seemed to me like i was an easy scapegoat for a problem that he didn't want to deal with. we talked/faught about it every two or three months for two years. the basic problem was that he either didn't want sex, or he wanted sex but only for himself. sometimes things would get better and he'd think about my needs, but it never lasted for more than a couple months, if that. recently i brought it up again and he admitted that it wasn't me, that he had been wrong and that it was him all along. it was a bittersweet moment... but the end result is still the same - i ain't gettin' any. here comes the porn part - it's a daily thing for him. call me what you want, but i check his browser history regularly - wouldn't you if your SO didn't wanna f*ck? i don't think he's cheating on me, it's not about that - i need to know how much porn he's watching because i just don't buy that he isn't into sex. here's what it's come down to - we do it probably twice a month. they're always quickies - two minutes in the shower, two minutes before work in the morning - i never get off, and he doesn't seem to care. if it matters, it's always me who initiates. he says that he's just plain not interested in sex, but when i come on strong he doesn't want to push me away so he goes along with it, then once he cums it's over and he's back to not being interested. teasing doesn't work, he doesn't care if i get him hard and then walk away. masturbating in front of him doesn't work - he asks me if he should leave. asking him to help me masturbate doesn't work either - he gets offended. he tells me if i need to get off to look after it myself. he doesn't say it in a harsh way, but it stings nonetheless. and yet he looks at porn every day. EVERY DAY. and the garbage under the desk always has crumpled up paper towel in it. i've asked him about porn lots of times, he says that he looks at it to get him in the mood, he says he's trying to want sex more. he says he looks at lesbian porn to make him want to get me off again - but i don't see barely any lesbian porn in his history. he says he only masturbates to porn about once a week - for a regular guy i wouldn't say that's a big deal - but he f*cks himself more than he f*cks me. i've read through this forum and the consensus seems to be that porn is harmless, that guys use it when their ladies aren't available - that couldn't be further from the truth for me. i'm *always* available. i LOVE sex. is it possible that he's watched so much porn that that's all he wants now? does it sound to you like he thinks i suck in the sac and he can do it better himself? please be brutally honest - i need to hear it. i'm so incredibly in love with this man... we've talked marriage and tried on rings... i told him that i would stand by him through whatever he's going through, that i would be with him forever even if i knew we'd never have sex again... but i feel so terrible about this that i find myself fantasizing about past lovers - lovers who loved to touch me... lovers who cared more about me than themselves... the guilt is horrendous. is porn always related to someone's sex drive? i need someone to explain this to me... please... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 OK don't freak I'm just shooting from the hip here. Do you know for sure what kind of porn he's looking at? Umm.. as in is he sure of his sexual leanings? that's an out there thought.. Otherwise he might be so used to and engrossed to the self porn sex that he can't relate to a real person and having sex. Overstimulated in some way that he has created almost premature ejaculation. You should consider seeing a councilor together and individually before getting married. Imagine 10-20 years of it and do you really want to live that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I wouldn't say that porn is always harmless. Abusing it causes big problems for some people. I just don't like absolutes that say that something is bad for everyone because a few people have problems with it. But I don't think it is the cause of your problem. More like a symptom. I doubt he started spanking his monkey when you moved in. He obviously has a pretty normal sex drive, if he is spanking it ever day. Maybe he's just not into you any more. It's not fun for him now that you live together and he sees you all of the time. Maybe he is worried about maintaining an erection (you don't have to be hard as a rock to spank it). That could also be why sex is quick. If a guy doesn't want to come right away, he has to think about something else, but if he isn't that into it, doing that could cause him to go limp. But... if he doesn't care if you get off, and he tries to blame his problem on you, I don't know why you are so eager to be with him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I agree that porn is a symptom and not the problem. He seems totally disassociated from sex as an emotional and intimate experience with you. That all he does when you initiate is to get off and then leave you unsatisfied without even trying any touching or oral or anything is a huge red flag - where's his love and caring and consideration for you? He clearly doesn't associate sex and love at all. Is he affectionate with you in non-sexual ways? Does he hold hands in public, or hug you when you come home, cuddle on the couch? Maybe he has intimacy issues. Maybe he was abused in some way as a child. Maybe he has a physical problem he's too embarrassed to seek treatment for. Maybe, maybe, maybe...he does need some professional help, though, if he has no use or desire for sex with a willing partner and wanks by himself instead. Please, do not marry this man until he gets some kind of help and resolves this problem. You do not want to spend a lifetime in a sexless marriage! It will make you feel terrible about everything about yourself, your relationship. Why sentence yourself to that? If he truly loves you to the point of wanting to spend his life with you, then he has to step up and recognize that he is denying both of you the intimacy that comes with a healthy sex life, and get some help from a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
JamieB Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I'm having a hard time imagining how anyone could be totally in love with, and wanting to marry, someone who has no interest in them sexually and who feels no responsibility whatsoever to meet their sexual needs. That is a very large part of a relationship, and marriage. Porn or no porn. I know I couldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
azera Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 sounds to me like hes addicted to porn,my husband was like that,he needs counciling to get over his addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 He might be- gay doesn't want to be in the relationship and is trying to drive you away/ breakup without actually doing it directly be a pedophile or have some kind of strange fetish obssion does he have erectile dysfunction he might be too embarassed and stressed out if he can't keep an erection in front of you and that you would make fun of him. maybe he wants you to feel guilty for masturbating is because he feels guilty about doing it When you look through his browser history, go to some or all of the sites he has visited and see what "theme" the sites have in common. is it men, kids or just regular average porn Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 sounds to me like hes addicted to porn,my husband was like that,he needs counciling to get over his addiction. Sometimes the fact that one is running "from" something doesn't always mean that he is running "to" somethings else. As JaimeB said, how would you even consider marriage (or any long-term relationship!) under these circumstances? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 masturbation is easier than sex. as you get older sometimes sex is more of a chore than a pleasure, but you still like to get off, so it's easier just to pull it. at least that's what i've heard. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 masturbation is easier than sex. as you get older sometimes sex is more of a chore than a pleasure, but you still like to get off, so it's easier just to pull it. at least that's what i've heard. Now that is just sad...and even though I find it sad, I'm still laughing... Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 is it possible that he's watched so much porn that that's all he wants now? does it sound to you like he thinks i suck in the sac and he can do it better himself? please be brutally honest - i need to hear it...is porn always related to someone's sex drive? i need someone to explain this to me... please... Ok you want brutal honesty? Here's my 2c: I don't think that porn is 'all he wants now'. Most likely, he's fallen into the habit of relying on porn to get himself off. Which is understandable when he's single. Humans are by nature lazy creatures, and getting off to a real flesh-and-blood person is takes more effort and initiative than getting off to a porn flick. It probably seems like too much effort for him to do without porn now even though he's not single anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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