Going from non-platonic to platonic

[huntsvilletiger]

was involved n a relationship with this girl for 6 months. We started out as good friends, but it quickly turned to more. She was co-oping and taking classes at night so we only got to go out on dates every couple of weeks. We were never officially a couple. She said she wanted to wait to until the end of the semester because she didn't feel it was fair to have a boyfriend when she wouldn't have time to spend with him.

 

We acted like we were a couple though when we could get together. We went out together every time she was free, I would visit her at her dorm room and we would eat dinner together, we took naps together on her bed a time or two, etc.. During spring break she still had to co-op, but she had a couple of evenings free. I cooked dinner for her and we had our first make out secession where cloths were removed. She's doesn't believe in sex before marriage so I didn't push her too hard and she decided to leave before things got a little too hot, because she said she was really tempted to go farther than just making out.

 

I thought things were going great. We had made all these plans of things we wanted to do when the semester was over. Toward the end of the semester she seemed really stressed out. She told me it was just because of finals so I told her it was no big deal.

When the semester ended she started canceling things that we had planned and made all these really lame excuses, so I could tell something was wrong.

 

One day we were chatting online and she seemed upset and I thought it was something I said so I emailed her a few hours later and her reply sounded angry and she said she had been seeing someone else for weeks and told me all these things that were going wrong with her life. I emailed her back telling and basically told her that I was dealing with a lot of the same things and that I loved her and how dare she do that to me without at least telling me. So a little while later she IMed me and was very upset and told me she was so sorry because she didn't know what to do when it came to relationships. We talked for a while and then spent the next few weeks trying to work things out. However a couple of weeks later she told me her and the other guy were officially a couple. She acted like i she thought I would be cool about it and she just expected me to go back to being her best buddy, but when I acted hurt, sad, and upset she looked really surpised and sad. I told her I need a couple of weeks away from her before I could talk to her again. When I finally was able too talk to her a week and a half later, she said she wanted to be friends but she needed space. I told her it was ok and if she needed some time it would be ok.

 

This is where things really started to get difficult. Up until this point it had been a fairly normal if awkward and painful break-up. She had just moved into a new apartment and didn't even want to give me her new apartment number or new phone number. Which makes no sense since she had sent me her apartment building number and told me she would give me her apartment number as soon as she got it a few days before and I already had her cell phone number and wasn't calling her all the time or anything. In fact this was when we were both giving each other space and weren't really talking except in class. She knows me well enough to know that if she asked me not to call I wouldn't even if I did have that number. Now she says she wants us to be friends again, but she needs more time.

 

It's been 2 months and all we do is talk online. I admit I still have some romantic feeling for her. It's just hard to get over those feeling and stay friends with her with the way she's been treating me. I've told her that I just can't turn off my feelings overnight, but that I do consider her my friend and I want us to have a good friendship and I was willing to try and make it work. She keeps telling me that she still cares about me and will be there if I need her, too. I've told her I want to move forward as friends, and she's promised it'll get better, but she's still keeping me at arm's length.

 

She was one of my best friends before we got involved and I don't want to lose our friendship. I just don't know what to do. Is there anything I can do to at least get our friendship back to something that is more like a normal friendship. If I don't get our situation to where I'm more comfortable with it I'm going to have to decide whether or not I can stay friends with her and I'd rather not have to do that.

[Marty]

I don't think this girl is interested in being your girlfriend. She has been fairly nice to you. She has told you a number of things to make it clear that she is not currently interested in any kind of exclusive or romantic relationship with you.

 

You said you would like to be friends with her, and you probably do but, I think you want more than that. Chances are you always will. There's not much you can do about your feelings for her but accept them. That's just the way it is.

 

Unless you can fully put aside the idea of one day being her boyfriend, you may never be able to be just friends with her. Can you be happy for her if she finds the guy of her dreams and it is not you? Will you still want to be friends with her...and him? This is what you are most likely going to be faced with.

 

I think this girl likes you. I don't think she has any romantic intentions with you. It's nothing to be upset about.

 

If you do want to be friends with her, then just lay off and be friends. Friends don't always talk all the time. Sometimes friends go for weeks, months, even years with very little contact. Friendships allow that. Friendships also allow other romantic interests to enter the picture without jealousy.

 

Can you accept her under those circumstances? Don't play like you want to be friends. Either you do or you don't. Right now, you still have the chance of a friendship. If you keep pushing, have high expectations or become demanding, you may not even have a friendship with her.

 

As long as you have any romantic interest in women, you will, from time to time, have to deal with something like this. The best you can do is be honest with yourself and learn to accept your feelings and learn to accept other peoples feelings as well.

 

Good luck to you in all your realtionships!

[Tony T]

So she doesn't have time to be your girlfriend but she has time to be somebody else's???

 

This girl is a doublecrossing liar you don't need to have anything to do with. She is NOT a friend, never was and never will be. Yes, it will be extremely painful for you to finally come to that conclusion but you will in time.

 

Meanwhile, try not to make a fool of yourself by contacting her. There is no reason in the world why you should want to have anything to do with such a sneak. She is not somebody you could ever trust again and she is not the type of person you would want to have in your life forever.

 

It's really hard because you are obviously in love with somebody she may have used to be or who you thought she was but she is NOT that person....so just forget it.

 

Consider yourself a lucky man to be rid of her. No more contact, no more email, no more IM's. Any contact she has with you now is purely out of guilt and when she gets over that, she won't want to have anything to do with you at all. Why give her the satisfaction of being nice to her so she feels better about screwing your butt over???

 

To hell with her!!!

[ann-onymous]

wow tony, you are a little drastic on this one, but i see your point, and marty may have been a little leniant on you... here's my opinion

 

she was never your girlfriend and hanging out all the time like you said you had just seems like the two of you were friends, with some benefits on the side that maybe went a little further than she was comfortable with. it was smart of her to choose to wait til the end of the semester when she'd have more time for you, but unfortunately it seems that she found somebody else by the time school ended and timing wasnt so great with finals, her co-op and you all in the picture.

 

i'd say don't take it personally. dont completely write her out of your life right now, it doesnt seem like she intentionally used you or anything but the situation just kind of got turned inside out on it's own. i can say, though, that things wont ever be the same and that's the plain truth when it comes to friends becoming more than that and wanting to just be friends again.

 

you can try all you want to change it back to "the way things were" but it'll be different from now on. if you're comfortable with that fact, i'd say try staying friends with her. and as marty said, AS her friend, you have to accept the fact that she has a boyfriend.

 

let us know how things go, or if you missed adding any other details about the situation... good luck with everything!

[Ally Boo]

I think I responded to this post somewhere else, but if I didn't here's what I meant to say.

 

It sounds to me like that guy is either moving in with her, or he'll be over a lot and she doesn't want you to be a part of the picture and raise questions. Stay away from her, she's not a genuine person.