at the beginning

[laurieohl]

hello....i have been married for 15yrs....for the last 4yrs there has been no intamacy at all. when this all first started, i used to hint about it to him, make jokes ect. i guess that was my way of "talking" about it. eventually i started to be more and more direct about it. he said im just tired, too busy...just different reasons. then one day i finally had it. i told him he had pretty much destroyed those feelings i had for him. (as far as intimacy)....well then he wanted to try and fix it. i told him i have no interest in him physically...i had tried and tried for a long time . he is probably one of the best friends i have, but thats all i feel for him. i mean, i could live here the rest of my life with my friend in comfort, but i have done that for going on 4yrs now. i have never cheated on him (though opportunities were there)...and he says he hasnt cheated on me either.....i am realizing that i just cannot stay in this situation the rest of my life...we are getting along better as friends, ans have decided to separate/divorce....im just sooo scared..i guess its just the uncertainty of it all........and how to best deal with it all...................................

[Ladyjane14]

Sex is an important emotional need in an intimate relationship between two healthy people... not just for men but for women too. Eventually, when this need isn't met, emotional intimacy declines and the marriage fails.

 

If you're really sure that divorce is the best thing for you, your best bet in preserving the friendship is to proceed as amicably as possible. That said, I would caution you against ANY wavering which will allow undue hopes to build in your husband about preserving the marriage. There are, unfortunately, alot of guys here at LS who are having difficulty understanding their wives "mixed messages".

 

You might want to read some of their threads for a view from the other side of the issue.

[Delarocha]

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how many people have this exact same issue. I am in this situation currently, although my perspective is that of the man's. My wife told me recently pretty much what you just posted.

 

At first my reaction was fairly predictable in trying to figure out how we could reconnect as a couple. Although I am not done with the book, if you have any interest in reconnecting I can recommend Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. I have NEVER been a Dr. Phil fan, but probably because I never actually listened to anything he had to say. Even if it doesn't help with the current situation, it certainly has taught be a lot about how I relate to my wife, and how I WANT to relate to her (or someone else) in the future.

 

I think you're doing the right thing in facing this situation. The question at this point is more of what you WANT. If you wish you had an intimate relationship, and see this as a possibility then by all means work towards that goal. It will take a lot of work on yourself, a lot of work by your husband on himself, and both of you working together. In the end, it may never be possible, but you won't know until you try. However, if you just feel the way you do, and have absolutely no hope or desire for intimacy with this person then I think the answer is sharing this. In all likelihood you don't like your current situation, but are not sure what you want. In my opinion this almost makes things harder, but if it's how you feel, it's how you feel.

 

Share this information with your husband. Try to set aside time when you won't be interrupted and when you both will be in private. I think he's less likely to feel ambushed if you have this talk in private. Possibly write down exactly how you feel so that you can get it all out without him interrupting. Make your intentions clear and/or if you don't know what your intentions are yet, make THAT clear.

 

One thing I know to be true that I never thought about before. Passion and intimacy are not the result of a healthy relationship. These things come when both people put their own happiness (and children), each other's happiness, and the relationship first in their lives.

 

Good luck... Follow your heart.

[laurieohl]

i have absolutly no physical/sexual feeling for him at all. we started off as friends,...and we dont want to destroy one another in this thing....we are not fighting over anything...we actually are talking about what we will do after everything is settled...how to make it fair for both,...we care for one another alot, but the relationship has really changed alot. its very sad for both of us...i look around my house and cry, and try to say maybe i can just stay here for a while....so i do waiver...i just do it when noone is around. i guess its because i have my day to day routine, and it might be easier to just not disturb that. but in the long run, i would most likely just become more and more unhappy......i have avoided social situations for a long time because i cant "put on the act" anymore....so i really dont see my friends very much. ..its just an uncertain future..i think thats what is scaring me...im not afraid to be alone,.....i just am worried about being able to support myself...i havent done that for a while...i guess i need to think back, because i raised my son alone till he was 10yrs old..so i guess if i can do that i can take care of myself....wow...a revelation..!!!

[Delarocha]

Well, just don't drag it on because YOU are afraid to take care of yourself. Trust me, after you bring this up the longer you stay the more hope he will have that something can be changed in you, him, and the relationship. This is the confusion I am currently going through.

 

(I only use my own example because I think it gives some insight as to "what the other side is thinking")

 

I told my wife this morning that I expected she would ask me for a divorce this Saturday when we go to breakfast to talk about things. I guess after talking about how she doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't know if she can or wants to it seemed like the logical next step. She told me, that is not the plan and not what she is thinking yet. Sooooo, what am I to believe?!

 

There are really only a couple of options:

 

1.) She doesn't want to ruin the friendship and thinks if she hangs out longer without making a final decision it will somehow keep us as friends. (Maybe so, but resentment is starting to creep in.)

 

2.) She is scared to find her own place, doesn't know if she'll have the funds yet, etc, and is staying because she has no choice.

 

3.) She isn't sure yet what she wants to do. (Stay married and try to work on the marriage, or divorce.)

 

As you can see, from MY perspective only ONE of those has ANY hope involved. Can you guess which one I WANT to assume is the case? Regardless of your reasons, IF your mind is made up just say so. That said, I already told my wife that she can pretty much stay here as long as she needs to get back on her feet. I am not sure what your husband is like... Maybe he would consider that as an option if you just asked.

[Guest]

thank you for your response.....we have talked already several times,...so i dont think there is any confusion as to what will happen.....there are just lots of things to sort out...neither one of us can afford to go to an apartment...so we are just here for now...i have an adult son living here as well, and we are helping him in a custody case so that is why financially we cannot have one or the other leave at this point. we are trying to stay till this case is resolved...then we will probably have to sell the home. i believe it will be an uncontested divorce because we dont want to drag each other through the mud....but it will take time to sort through everything....i wish you the best of luck in your situation.....