My Wife's Affair with a Co-Worker

[bklk1227]

So here's my story... I am 31 my wife 29. We are married for 4 years but have been together for 12. We have two wonderful daughters 10 & 2 and a beautiful home.

 

My wife has been having an emotional affair with a coworker for about 3 months. It has now gotten to the point that she wants to end the marriage for this other person. He is 25 and single and says he loves her. Our marriage was all in all good. We had a rough year because I took a new job that became more stressful than I expected and it caused me to slip into an episode of stress, anxiety, and depression for roughly 6-8 weeks. I love my wife and even though the pain and anger is there, I understand how we were both complicit in causing the affair.

 

My current course of action is to protect my family and give my wife some time to get out of the "in-love" stage of this affair. I do not want to propose divorce to my 10 y/o daughter if the reasons for the divroce are not sustainable. My wife recently began therapy for a variety of emotional problems stemming from mother abandonment at age 10. We also started marriage counseling right before the affair was outed. I too have been in therapy for 3 months.

 

I think the wound and her affair is so fresh that it would be premature to split at this time. I have elected to "back off" and see if things change. I know that it will be difficult for me, but I want to protect my girls from the reality of what could be until all parties are sure.

 

I had an affair 7 years ago and my wife completely forgave me. It never even came up in arguements. I feel that I need to be as strong as she was.

 

Does anyone have anything to offer here? Have anyone been in a similar situation that had a positive outcome or am I just delaying the inevitable?

 

I appreciate your input.

 

B

[azera]

I would be patient with her and be understanding since u had an affair also. My husband isnt understanding that I had an affair even though he has cheated on me. I ended mine when he found out. It was really hard to do that, all I wanted was to be with the OM even though I love my husband.

[Moose]

This:

I love my wife and even though the pain and anger is there, I understand how we were both complicit in causing the affair.

AND THIS:

I had an affair 7 years ago and my wife completely forgave me. It never even came up in arguements. I feel that I need to be as strong as she was.

This......speaks volumes.....

 

Both of you have stepped over the boundaries, and it's going to be a long... hard job getting the trust back.

 

I would have to say that your chances of saving this marriage is pretty slim. Not impossible......but very slim.....

 

You need to find out from your wife if she's willing to break any and all ties with the man she's having an affair with and concentrate souly on your marriage before you can continue....

[whichwayisup]

I can't add much more except you two MUST decide together to fix the marriage and stop having affairs. Hopefully her own personal issues from her past can be resolved, and your own battles with anxiety, depression can be dealt with head-on.

 

For your childrens' sake, you both have to give it your best...You two owe them that much.

 

Keep going to marriage counselling and good luck.

[bklk1227]

My affair 7 years ago was a major mistake which is why I am showing my wife some patience and understanding. I remember the euphoric feeling of that initial "in love" phase. I also remember the painful realization a few weeks after the affair got physical that it was not for me.

 

We were married 2 years after the affair ended. She is currently not willing to end the relationship and like I said he has told her he loves her and that is feeding something she hasn't been getting at home. She is totally losing site of her role as a mother and wife... and doesn't see the reality of how the divorce will truly affect her emotionally and financially.... she thinks he ias all she needs right now.

 

I am trying to let her work through that.

[whichwayisup]

Well, until she feels the consquences of her actions - Meaning what she could lose by letting herself feel and be with the OM, nothing will change. Fact that she isn't willing to end her affair isn't a good sign...She IS getting needs met elsewhere, and she's probably very addicted to the feelings the OM brings out in her. Those can be toxic, as you know unfortunately too, so if you have the patience, hang in there and don't give up!

 

Try to reconnect with her and show her that she doesn't need the OM to feel good.

[Guest]

So here's my story... I am 31 my wife 29. We are married for 4 years but have been together for 12. We have two wonderful daughters 10 & 2 and a beautiful home.

 

My wife has been having an emotional affair with a coworker for about 3 months. It has now gotten to the point that she wants to end the marriage for this other person. He is 25 and single and says he loves her. Our marriage was all in all good. We had a rough year because I took a new job that became more stressful than I expected and it caused me to slip into an episode of stress, anxiety, and depression for roughly 6-8 weeks. I love my wife and even though the pain and anger is there, I understand how we were both complicit in causing the affair.

 

My current course of action is to protect my family and give my wife some time to get out of the "in-love" stage of this affair. I do not want to propose divorce to my 10 y/o daughter if the reasons for the divroce are not sustainable. My wife recently began therapy for a variety of emotional problems stemming from mother abandonment at age 10. We also started marriage counseling right before the affair was outed. I too have been in therapy for 3 months.

 

I think the wound and her affair is so fresh that it would be premature to split at this time. I have elected to "back off" and see if things change. I know that it will be difficult for me, but I want to protect my girls from the reality of what could be until all parties are sure.

 

I had an affair 7 years ago and my wife completely forgave me. It never even came up in arguements. I feel that I need to be as strong as she was.

 

Does anyone have anything to offer here? Have anyone been in a similar situation that had a positive outcome or am I just delaying the inevitable?

 

I appreciate your input.

 

B

 

WHOA - huge diff bubby! first of all she's in-love and asking to wait! Ha! that's insane - no way. SECOND, did she tell u? probably not. examine to two situations and u see. hey, if my wife is having an affair and i she doesn't tell me, i find out and she stays with this guy - POOF! gone! happened to me. If she wants a 3some and meal ticket - find it with the new guy. Plus, most affairs are lust, she's in love - its over man - move on. happened to me - she kept it going for months and didn't even noticed i have alredy packed up and bought a new house.

 

its not that hard really - leave the lovers alone - they already made their choice

 

my 2 cents

[seibert253]

Maybe she needs a little hardline approach. 7 years ago you made a choice, your marriage, or the ow. You chose your marriage. Now she needs to make the same choice, and remind her of this. Let her know and give her time to choose. If she chooses to throw away your marriage and her resposiblities as a mother, then help her pack. It will be hard, but you'll be better off in the long run.

Peace and God Bless.

[bklk1227]

My focus right now is to give her the time and space to make a well thought out choice. My main reason for doing that is to shield the kids from prematurely exposing them to what she may eventually realize is a big mistake.

 

I am clear with her that what she is doing is harmful to the children and ultimately herself as I am quite certain once the reality of the situation weighs on the OM(who is 25 living home with his parents) he may leave her high and dry anyway.

 

Other than that I maintain a positive, secure, supportive environment at home - the things that may not have been there a few months ago. I try to reconnect when I can, but do not force the issue. All the while I am slowly preparing my finances and property for the eventuality of a divorce evidenced by frequent calls to my attorney. She has yet to retain one.

 

Its almost a race to the finish line... Once I set myself up to go through the divorce financially, if she has not ended the relationship I will divorce her. I will not let her affair dictate the speed at which I put myself or my children through the painful reality that her affair may end the divorce.

[whichwayisup]

Its almost a race to the finish line... Once I set myself up to go through the divorce financially, if she has not ended the relationship I will divorce her. I will not let her affair dictate the speed at which I put myself or my children through the painful reality that her affair may end the divorce.

That's good. Someone (obviously you) has to think of the children right now. They don't need to know ANY of what is going on...But, in all honesty, I'm sure they're aware mommy isn't herself, mommy isn't around as much and focussed on them. That's the sad part, she's not only cheating on you, but betraying her own children...

 

(who is 25 living home with his parents)

 

See, that's kind of funny. Makes me think even more she's reverting and acting like a lust starved teen. And you're right, the guy will prob. run the other way when things get too serious. At 25 I highly doubt he's ready to take on an exhusband and children, start a life with someone, buy a house and provide...It's all fantasy and fun. Once the fun stops and it gets SERIOUS, it will end...Sadly, she'll crash and burn but maybe, just maybe this is the lesson she needs to learn.

[bklk1227]

Once the fun stops and it gets SERIOUS, it will end...Sadly, she'll crash and burn but maybe, just maybe this is the lesson she needs to learn.

 

I agree with that totally... My fear is that she will crash and burn if she takes this too far before the realization kicks in... As I said, she is already dealing with other issues in therapy and a crushing blow like giving up her family for this guy only for him to cut her loose will be EXTREMELY difficult for her. Obviously I really do care for my wife and would like to protect her from the unneccessary pain of this as well... But I can only do that for so long...

 

Thanks for the feed back whichwayisup. Sometimes it is hard to see that there are any positives to my course of action... But the kids are so worth it as they will truly be shattered by this.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with that totally... My fear is that she will crash and burn if she takes this too far before the realization kicks in... As I said, she is already dealing with other issues in therapy and a crushing blow like giving up her family for this guy only for him to cut her loose will be EXTREMELY difficult for her. Obviously I really do care for my wife and would like to protect her from the unneccessary pain of this as well... But I can only do that for so long...

 

Thanks for the feed back whichwayisup. Sometimes it is hard to see that there are any positives to my course of action... But the kids are so worth it as they will truly be shattered by this.

 

I agree as well that eventually the affair crashes and burns. But in all honesty from the research I've been doing, the affairee rarely returns to their partner and if they do if winds up dissolving at some point anyway. I sugguest you read "Womens Infidelity", it's an amazing observation of what happens when women have affairs and why most never return to their husband.

 

REF: http://womensinfidelity.com/

[bklk1227]

So my wife and I agreed to stay in the house together while we prepare for divorce. I told her I would not allow her affair to go on inside the home. No calls, texts, IM, etc.. from the house. She could do all of that quite simply by taking a drive to Starbucks or just going to see the guy.

 

Well, one day after I went to her sister's birthday party. My wife didn't feel like going and instead stayed home with the kids. The reality is she spent 3 hours on the phone with the OM.

 

The next day he texted her "I love you" while my 10 y/o was around. This probably wouldn't be a big deal but my ten year old loves to play around with mine and my wife's cell phones. So the risk there was great. Also, my daughter knows of the OM because she used to attend the school he teaches at so seeing his name attached to an "I love you" message had more potential risk than these two may care to realize.

 

Well I seethed a little about this on the other day and eventually decided to make contact with the OM. His extremely matter of fact attitude, blame of the affair on my wife, and claim to "care about my children very much" showed his age and his total lack of grasp on the situation.

 

I did not threaten or ask this guy to stay away from my wife. My main concern was that he keep his actions away from my children. Again, he claimed to not understand how anything he had done could've effected the children. My most potent threat was to expose what he had done to my friends around town. Unfortuantely he is a teacher in my town and that could do some damage to his reputation.

 

At any rate, this contact has driven my wife into a downward spiral. She has said that she will work on the marriage if I leave the OM alone?! I ain't buying what she is selling. I think he/she maybe worried because the "4th wall" has been broken and the reality that there are more people involved in the affair than just the two of them may have peaked through a little.

 

Anyone have any insight as to how contact and exposure could adversely affect their affair?

[Moose]

Anyone have any insight as to how contact and exposure could adversely affect their affair?

Yes....your wife is a female version of a, "Cake eater".......

 

I wouldn't let either of them get away with.......spread the news!!

[Moose]

I wouldn't let either of them get away with.......spread the news!!

Let me re-phrase this if I may.....

 

Don't let the fact that the news could leak out to the public affect your judgement in this.

 

I didn't mean to go and spread gossip or slander the man and your wife.....

[CarolAnne]

I agree with that totally... My fear is that she will crash and burn if she takes this too far before the realization kicks in... As I said, she is already dealing with other issues in therapy and a crushing blow like giving up her family for this guy only for him to cut her loose will be EXTREMELY difficult for her. Obviously I really do care for my wife and would like to protect her from the unneccessary pain of this as well... But I can only do that for so long...

 

Thanks for the feed back whichwayisup. Sometimes it is hard to see that there are any positives to my course of action... But the kids are so worth it as they will truly be shattered by this.

 

 

Did you ever consider that this might be payback for your affair 7 years ago? As you said she never brought it up in arguments, chances are it was bottled up just waiting to explode.

 

Even though you weren't married at the time, you did have kids. You have kids with her, you don't marry her, you cheat on her, she stays with you and is a mother to the kids and you do marry her eventually. I think she might have put up with it because she figured if not you would never marry her and then she would be unmarried with 2 kids, and now that she finally does have you for a husband/father, she is realizing what was lost during all those years and trying to relive it. Anyway some acquaintances of mine were married about 2 years ago after they raised 3 kids who are in their teens and 20's. Getting married seemed to bring in a lot of problems for them even though they are parents in their 40's, they started fighting a lot. Not sure what to make of that. they have lived together for 30 years, but somehow marriage brought in control issues, or something.

[whichwayisup]

My main concern was that he keep his actions away from my children. Again, he claimed to not understand how anything he had done could've effected the children. My most potent threat was to expose what he had done to my friends around town. Unfortuantely he is a teacher in my town and that could do some damage to his reputation.

 

Part in bold - IS he that dumb? No...He knows but isn't thinking, just like your wife isn't thinking clearly.

 

At any rate, this contact has driven my wife into a downward spiral. She has said that she will work on the marriage if I leave the OM alone?! I ain't buying what she is selling. I think he/she maybe worried because the "4th wall" has been broken and the reality that there are more people involved in the affair than just the two of them may have peaked through a little.

 

Consquences...And she has to deal with it. She cheated by CHOICE and now she is feeling the consquences of her actions. She's freaking out and not sure wtf to do it seems, and you have to continue down the path of tough love. Either she ends it and fixes the marriage, gets help for herself so she can deal with the fallout feelings of her affair AND go to marriage counselling with you.

 

Anyone have any insight as to how contact and exposure could adversely affect their affair?

 

Is he seeing anybody? If so, tell his girlfriend. OR you can get the principle involved...Or even let the OM's PARENTS know. He lives at home, right?

[Guest]

He doesn't see what effect this would have on a child by helping to cause his/her parents to split? Uh huh. I'm glad this idiot is not teaching my children, he is too stupid to be in that type of position.

 

You know, sometimes people have to crash. You trying to protect her may just be prolonging the process. You want to give her time to make a decision but really, what good is it to give her time if she has her head planted up his you know what? This star crossed lovers crap will likely not end until the illusion is broken and it won't be broken as long as she gets to sit pretty and have her comfortable life AND him.

 

Hitting a brick wall is what she needs to wake up and deal with reality. If she's no longer being a decent mother, the kid gloves really should come off. It may not be pretty but tough love rarely is.

[bklk1227]

Thanks again everyone for the input.

 

Just a few points in response:

 

Moose - I wasn't planning on slandering or gossiping about anyone. Truth is the two of them are Elementary School teachers and are already the talk of the town. Which is fine for him since he doesn't live in town but my wife and I do and my daughter is a student in the district.

 

CarolAnne - My reasons for not marrying my wife had little to do with emotional attachment or commitment and more to do with finances etc... Truthfully my affair made me realize that it WAS my wife I wanted to marry - and I realized my goal to give her the wedding of her dreams when she thought that would never be possible because of the fractured relationships in her family. Although I do think you maybe right that she still harbors hurt and anger that has never been dealt with.

 

WhichWayisUp - Thanks again! From what I can tell - he may be that dumb and at the very least totally liking this experience - until now. He is being held accountable for his actions now moreso than ever. He frequently blames my wife for the relationship stating - If she asks me to stop I will. A very immature approach indeed. As of Saturday his parents are now aware that something is up because I called his home rather than his cellphone and stated my exact reason for calling to his mother - "Your son is dating my wife and I need to ask him to stop calling my home when the children are present." When she questioned me he ripped the phone from her hands and asked how I got the number and I told him if he was going to date married women he should probably ask his parents to unlist their phone number.

 

She is frantic right now... Doesn't know what to do and blames that part on me for trying to "control" the situation. I am just not engaging her right now. I simply apologize for my part in the hurt she is feeling, tell her I am here for her if she needs it, and leave the room with a hug and kiss on the head...

[CaliGuy]

Ummm, 25 and living at home?

 

This is a fling. He doesn't want the responsibility of an older woman with 2 kids. He might think he does now but believe me, when reality smacks them BOTH in the mouth, this will end.

 

Hopefully it doesn't take a divorce for either of them to see that.

[cranium]

Can't offer much right now due to time constraints. Here's my story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/?highlight=cranium

 

My wife had an affair with a much younger co-worker. I had an affair ten years prior. It's been a long road and we're in a much better place now.

 

 

So my wife and I agreed to stay in the house together while we prepare for divorce.

 

What's this "we" prepare for divorce? Forgive me as I haven't read your whole thread, but do you want a divorce? I didn't. I also have two children and I never agreed to separate or divorce. My wife knew if she wanted to leave I wasn't going to stop her, but I also wasn't going to help.

 

I'll contribute more later. Best to you.

c

[whichwayisup]

WhichWayisUp - Thanks again! From what I can tell - he may be that dumb and at the very least totally liking this experience - until now. He is being held accountable for his actions now moreso than ever. He frequently blames my wife for the relationship stating - If she asks me to stop I will. A very immature approach indeed. As of Saturday his parents are now aware that something is up because I called his home rather than his cellphone and stated my exact reason for calling to his mother - "Your son is dating my wife and I need to ask him to stop calling my home when the children are present." When she questioned me he ripped the phone from her hands and asked how I got the number and I told him if he was going to date married women he should probably ask his parents to unlist their phone number.

Sorry, but that last part is kind of funny...I'm glad that his folks are aware of this situation and now will INVOLVE themselves, enough to try to get their son to leave your wife alone. He's immature and to say "If she asks me to stop, I will." What a f**k'n cop out, a way of not standing up to plate and taking responsibility for his actions. He has ALOT to learn about life..

 

She is frantic right now... Doesn't know what to do and blames that part on me for trying to "control" the situation. I am just not engaging her right now. I simply apologize for my part in the hurt she is feeling, tell her I am here for her if she needs it, and leave the room with a hug and kiss on the head...

 

She knows the jig is up and about to come crashing down...Meaning in her mind that all the good and amazing feelings she felt during this affair are over. She's not thinking clearly, and she's addicted to how this guy has made her feel. She will make you feel bad, try to blame you for everything. Don't stand for it! She MUST understand what the consquences are to her actions. She's a cheating wife who is busted and now has to deal with the fallout. This is going to be hard on her, but she will figure it out once the fog lifts and she's out of his spell...SHe'll see the damage and realize wtf she was about to give up for some 25 year old kid who still lives at home...

 

You are doing the right thing, and handling things well. Keep doing that. And i have to say, she's lucky as heck to have a loving husband who STILL loves her and wants to make it all work...You're doing a good job, as hard as this is for you...

[Dadaal]

Exposing the story to his parent was a wise decision. It seems that you are in control of the situation.

[bklk1227]

My wife has said that she has ended the affair. She will no longer continue to have contact with the OM. However, she still wants a divorce and blames me for all of the turmoil in the last few days (not too mention the last 12 years).

 

She has asked that I not speak to her unless it is in regards to the children. She attended an appt. with her therapist last night and was even more adamant that her marriage has to end because I have damaged her emotionally by forcing to expose her affair and because I intimidated the two of them to end it. The only intimidating threat I made was to him. As I may have mentioned I told him to stay away from my children or I would tell them exactly who he was and what he did to our family. He responded that he didn't have to listen to my threats. That was the intimidating threat that caused her to end the affair.

 

I tend to think part of this is just her hurt and anger from ending her affair. I know she is trying to protect him from possibly losing his job (he is a non-tenured teacher and is up for full tenure this May). The accusations she is making are hard to handle because they are extremely outlandish and untrue. I think it is best for me to distance myself from her while she deals with the "loss".

 

As a side note - she was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Her mother abandoned her when she was 11 and forced her to choose between her mother and father. My wife chose her father and her mother left her and her two younger siblings forever. Her father tormented the children with emotional abuse for the next 8 years.

 

I almost feel like she is forcing me into the role of both her mother and father... A role I really do not fit AT ALL!

 

Hopefully when the smoke clears she will see the reality of how I feel about her.

 

Sorry if this post was a little rambling...

[whichwayisup]

My wife has said that she has ended the affair. She will no longer continue to have contact with the OM. However, she still wants a divorce and blames me for all of the turmoil in the last few days (not too mention the last 12 years).

 

She is making a decision out of pure emotion. Give it time...Once the reality sets in she'll be singing a different tune.

 

Not too sure about her ending the affair...It's possible but don't trust her on that quite yet..

 

She has asked that I not speak to her unless it is in regards to the children. She attended an appt. with her therapist last night and was even more adamant that her marriage has to end because I have damaged her emotionally by forcing to expose her affair and because I intimidated the two of them to end it. The only intimidating threat I made was to him. As I may have mentioned I told him to stay away from my children or I would tell them exactly who he was and what he did to our family. He responded that he didn't have to listen to my threats. That was the intimidating threat that caused her to end the affair.

 

Her therapist will tell her to hold off on divorcing.

 

Look right now she is NOT the woman you married and fell inlove with. The woman infront of you is having an affair and THINKS she's inlove with someone else, a 25 year old punk who's offered her fun and fantasy - Away from a responsible life...She's reacting out of pain because her fun is over, and she resents you for it as you're the one who ruined it for her. All you can do is wait this out and she'll start thinking clearly again...

 

 

I tend to think part of this is just her hurt and anger from ending her affair. I know she is trying to protect him from possibly losing his job (he is a non-tenured teacher and is up for full tenure this May). The accusations she is making are hard to handle because they are extremely outlandish and untrue. I think it is best for me to distance myself from her while she deals with the "loss".

 

Emotionally, yes, but not physically. DO NOT leave the house. Let her have space but do not disappear. She's gonna be acting like a druggie who has no drugs. (sorry for the comparison, but you know what I mean.) The OM is like her drug and IF this affair IS over, she will go into withdrawal.

 

As a side note - she was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Her mother abandoned her when she was 11 and forced her to choose between her mother and father. My wife chose her father and her mother left her and her two younger siblings forever. Her father tormented the children with emotional abuse for the next 8 years.

 

Reaffirm that you love her and when/if the time comes she is ready to sort things out with you and fix the marriage you'll be there. This is going to have a big part in how she deals with the fallout from her affair. Her coping skills may not be normal because of her past.

It is good that she is talking to her therapist, so hopefully the T will help her sort it out too.

 

I almost feel like she is forcing me into the role of both her mother and father... A role I really do not fit AT ALL!

 

She has and it's something you have to deal with and accept, for now. Take it all day by day and don't look too far ahead. She has made you go on the rollercoaster ride with her and right now there's no control. Don't give up though...

 

*sidenote* Read Thumbingmyway's threads. Do a site search on his username...He's quite inspirational and maybe you reading his story could help you cope too.

Hopefully when the smoke clears she will see the reality of how I feel about her.

 

Focus on your children right now. Let your wife be...The kids need you and they may not know what is going on but they probably know something isn't right between you two...

 

Hang in there, you're going to be okay.