Author bklk1227 Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks again to everyone on here... I am going to leave her be and focus on the kids. I won't leave her at this point. I just need to keep my head on and not let the accusations and her current reality affect my judgement too much. She is trapped inside her own head and until she comes out of this and the smoke clears a little we will never be able to honestly deal with the issues and impact of marriage and divorce. B Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 My wife has said that she has ended the affair. She will no longer continue to have contact with the OM. However, she still wants a divorce and blames me for all of the turmoil in the last few days (not too mention the last 12 years). She has asked that I not speak to her unless it is in regards to the children. She attended an appt. with her therapist last night and was even more adamant that her marriage has to end because I have damaged her emotionally by forcing to expose her affair and because I intimidated the two of them to end it. The only intimidating threat I made was to him. As I may have mentioned I told him to stay away from my children or I would tell them exactly who he was and what he did to our family. He responded that he didn't have to listen to my threats. That was the intimidating threat that caused her to end the affair. I tend to think part of this is just her hurt and anger from ending her affair. I know she is trying to protect him from possibly losing his job (he is a non-tenured teacher and is up for full tenure this May). The accusations she is making are hard to handle because they are extremely outlandish and untrue. I think it is best for me to distance myself from her while she deals with the "loss". As a side note - she was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Her mother abandoned her when she was 11 and forced her to choose between her mother and father. My wife chose her father and her mother left her and her two younger siblings forever. Her father tormented the children with emotional abuse for the next 8 years. I almost feel like she is forcing me into the role of both her mother and father... A role I really do not fit AT ALL! Hopefully when the smoke clears she will see the reality of how I feel about her. Sorry if this post was a little rambling... Listen, this is BULLCRAP! You tell HER it's ALL HER FAULT! DON'T YOU DARE TAKE BLAME FOR HER AFFAIR! She's NOT accepting responsibility for her actions. PERIOD! So, why not call up the school and cost him his job? Why should he not suffer at all for messing with your marriage, end his job! Link to post Share on other sites
JamieB Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 This happened to me. I had an emotional affair with a co-worker, left my husband briefly and tried it out, but of course it did not work. My husband took me back and we had a child. The whole time I lived in my head and wondered "what if". Two years later I left my husband to try to have a relationship with the OM. 6 months later, it backfired. Of course. My ex and I divorced this past summer and are on very good terms. I was young, stupid. I've learned from my mistakes. Hopefully your wife learns from hers, though it might be that she learns after she's divorced and realizes how badly she messed up. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Ouch JamieB. Guess you learned the hard way about the green isn't really greener on the other side of the fence. It's good that you and your ex have a good enough friendship now, for the sake of your daughter. I hope B's wife wises up BEFORE they divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 My focus right now is to give her the time and space to make a well thought out choice. My main reason for doing that is to shield the kids from prematurely exposing them to what she may eventually realize is a big mistake. Good for you. It sounds like you are being really smart about this, protecting your children. As a woman, I can tell you that the worst thing you could do at this point would be to beg to get her back (not that you're doing that, but if you've thought about it...DON'T). I think women really do want an alpha male, so be strong, stay busy (it will drive her crazy if she's less important than everything else). Be prepared for her to run off into the sunset with this guy, in which case be glad he gets to deal with her BS. Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 How old was she when she had the first baby? You are very strong for enduring all of this btw. It sounds to me like she must have been quite young. It seems strange to me that she would marry her kids' father after years of waiting and then almost immediately jump ship. And the fact that she's blaming you for exposing the affair and "threatening" to tell the kids just gives me the impression she is still very immature/ young. The impression I get it is that maybe having children at a very young age put personal reflection, experiences and maturing on hold to make time for the responsiblilties of raising kids as an unmarried mom. The other thing you mentioned about her parents is truly tragic and I'm sure it must play a very big role in all of this. Were you supposed to pretend you didn't see the affair happening? That's crazy. I think it is true for everyone, that to some extent your expectations about the "role" a huband /wife is supposed to play is based partly on how you saw your parents. So if this is how she was raised, she may very well have no realistic idea of how a real, sustainable marriage is supposed to work. Link to post Share on other sites
littleladyofgold Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 How old was she when she had the first baby? You are very strong for enduring all of this btw. It sounds to me like she must have been quite young. It seems strange to me that she would marry her kids' father after years of waiting and then almost immediately jump ship. And the fact that she's blaming you for exposing the affair and "threatening" to tell the kids just gives me the impression she is still very immature/ young. The impression I get it is that maybe having children at a very young age put personal reflection, experiences and maturing on hold to make time for the responsiblilties of raising kids as an unmarried mom. The other thing you mentioned about her parents is truly tragic and I'm sure it must play a very big role in all of this. Were you supposed to pretend you didn't see the affair happening? That's crazy. I think it is true for everyone, that to some extent your expectations about the "role" a huband /wife is supposed to play is based partly on how you saw your parents. So if this is how she was raised, she may very well have no realistic idea of how a real, sustainable marriage is supposed to work. I love how people try to come up with an answer for everything when they don't know one thing about the person in question or the relationship between husband and wife, other than from the view of one or the other. What's the excuse for the people in their 30s, 40s and 50s who cheat?? What about the women who have children at too late an age and cheat and the men that cheat on them? Your explanation is really saying that all women who have children later on don't have any problems in this area, when a lot of them do. Link to post Share on other sites
littleladyofgold Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 It seems strange to me that she would marry her kids' father after years of waiting and then almost immediately jump ship. And the fact that she's blaming you for exposing the affair and "threatening" to tell the kids just gives me the impression she is still very immature/ young. Can you read? He mentioned that HE threatened to tell the kids: " to end because I have damaged her emotionally by forcing to expose her affair and because I intimidated the two of them to end it. The only intimidating threat I made was to him. As I may have mentioned I told him to stay away from my children or I would tell them exactly who he was and what he did to our family. He responded that he didn't have to listen to my threats. That was the intimidating threat that caused her to end the affair." When you use some sense, it really doesn't make any that the ADULTERER would threaten to tell the kids. What's your excuse for having no sense and blaming only one person in the relationship- the woman? I guess ignorance and bias. Maybe I should attribute that to your age. Too old and set in your ways?? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 When you use some sense, it really doesn't make any that the ADULTERER would threaten to tell the kids. What's your excuse for having no sense and blaming only one person in the relationship- the woman? I guess ignorance and bias. Maybe I should attribute that to your age. Too old and set in your ways?? That's rather crass of you. Carol Anne's response to the OP was perfectly pleasant and courteous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bklk1227 Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Yikes! I think CarolAnne's response was fine. Truth is my wife was 19 when she had our first child. We've been together for the past 12 years save for a six month split back in 2000. We had our second child 2 years ago. I did threaten to tell my children about the affair IF the OM came anywhere near them... Obviously this was a threat made in the heat of a "discussion". The truth is telling my girls anything about the affair would be more damaging to them than to him or my wife. So would think twice before I actually did that. Currently my wife is looking for an apt. We have not told my children of our(her) decision. She maintains that she has limited contact with the OM save for work - I tend not to trust this. Things are very tense at home, and I may move out for a couple of weeks just to let things calm a little(my attorney has drafted a document for my wife to sign basically saying this move is for the purpose of creating a positive environment at home and in no way reflects on my duties as a parent etc etc...) I am still not convinced divorce is the answer here, but to CaroleAnne's point I do not think my wife sees marriage in the same light that I do based upon her exposure to it. One last point... while the affair is the current "nail in the coffin" I have recognized that there are a few major issues in this marriage that I need/could've worked on. Through my individual therapy I continue to address the anxiety/stress/depression I have dealt with the past year and its impact on my family. This affair was not completely my wife's fault although immaturity and lack of self control led her way too far down the path. We need to be separated at the very least for a while... That much I have come to accept. I really appreciate everyone's input on this. THis board is a great resource for people who go through this stuff everyday. I will continue to keep you all updated as to how this plays out... Thanks again! B Link to post Share on other sites
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 .... I did not threaten or ask this guy to stay away from my wife. .... You know in the old days the guy would have gotten shot for what he was doing. And it would have been legal too! (Maybe we need to make that legal again. You don't happen to live in Minnesota or Michigan do you? Adlutry is a felony in one of those.) Oh, and don't worry about ruining his reputation. He deserves it for fooling around with a married woman. And your wife deserves the shame too. Why the hell are you being so nice? Nice guys don't finish first you know. She has said that she will work on the marriage if I leave the OM alone?! Gad... she's concerned about protecting him. How nice. Kick her sorry ass out of the house, don't let her see the kids and divorce her. Your "affair" while it may have been cheating was also before you married. Her affair is a whole other ball game - after marriage and after kids. Stop being a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 ... What's your excuse for having no sense and blaming only one person in the relationship- the woman? ... Huh? Excuse me there is only one guilty party here. That's B's wife. Not only is she an unfit mother because of her behavior, she shouldn't be teaching children either. Do we really want teachers of such low moral character, adulterers, teaching children? I think we ought to make adultry a crime punishable with jail time... might cut down on some damage done to children from wrecked homes. Link to post Share on other sites
CanadaGuy Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 This:AND THIS:This......speaks volumes..... Both of you have stepped over the boundaries, and it's going to be a long... hard job getting the trust back. I would have to say that your chances of saving this marriage is pretty slim. Not impossible......but very slim..... You need to find out from your wife if she's willing to break any and all ties with the man she's having an affair with and concentrate souly on your marriage before you can continue.... True it will be hard, but after I found out about an affair 2 years ago, it seems everyone has affairs. I'm starting to respect swingers, they don't stab each other in the back, they say whay they want, and they do it as a couple. I'm not a swinger...but with the more people having problems like you & me, and many many of my clients....it is really tempting! Wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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