so, she already has a boy friend..!?

[masked_man]

G'day all.

 

I guess the cheating forum might be the right place for this...?

 

So I've been single awhile and have been chatting with a girl who works at a nearby cafe. She's quite pretty and she always seemed to light up when I'd go in for coffee. I guess we'd have been "friends" for the last six months or so now. She'd often ask my plans for the evening and weekend while telling me how bored she was since she "never" had plans.

 

Like I say it was all happy and smiley when I'd see her, so I was getting to the point of asking her out, and seeing what would she'd say. Then a twist of fate. I was walking passed her cafe when I spotted a drivers licence dropped on the footpath. I picked it up and realised it was hers! So I took it in the cafe and left it for her (she was out for a break at the time).

 

Anyway, bit cheeky of me, but I thought I'd google her name since it was easy to remember. That lead me to her friendster page. Where I discovered she's had a boy friend for the last 3 years! She also has a blog, so I had a read of that, and she writes about how unhappy she is with her b/f but also says she too scared to dump him because she doesn't want to be alone.

 

So the next time I saw just before Xmas, I asked if she had holiday plans, like going away anywhere with your b/f? I was all friendly and casual about it. But since then she's stopped the smiles and happy chat and only glares at me now. She also seems to have forgotten my regular coffee order.

 

Do you think I was right to "back off" when I found out about her b/f? I do.

 

She seems to think differently. Ok she's not happy with her b/f but that's her issue not mine wouldn't you say?

[Guest]

DUH

yes u back off

 

i just asked an ex gf out for supper - she could have brought hubby, bf, family - everyone - its just a meal - chance to say hello - and like i said to her - its freedom - i know - that's why i have no concerns. she's not my gf! shhhhssssssssssssssssh - just a friend - oh well. that was the 3rd meal offer - and her bf will have to do that from now on. i really didn't mind everyone there - that was the point.

 

that's life. into the great wide open my friends

 

kinda fun racing down the queensway with the tunes blasting - i had a good ride - stay kewl

 

no worries - whenever u feel like it and bring the whole crew - have a great weekend

[lorr]

What on earth possessed you to do that? I'm sorry but I can't blame her at all. She probably found out that you know more then your letting on and now thinks that you have some kind of weird obsession/stalker like tendencies, or work for the FBI.

 

You don't even know her that well, but based on your snooping you put 2 and 2 together to make 600. You do not know the situation with her boyfriend, and now you think that your in the right to "back off".

I'm sorry but if that was me, I'd be glaring at you all day long.

[masked_man]

What am I missing here Lorr?

 

I found out, quite by chance, she has a b/f so decide to keep my distance. So I googled her. Sorry I won't be the first, nor last, person to do something like that. All the information I have about her is in the public domain on open websites that millions of people use.

 

I didn't break into her house or hire a PI to trail her. I didn't tell her I'd read her blog.

 

All I know is she has a boy friend. Not where she lives, or what she eats for dinner. For all she knows I may have seen them together walking down the street as I was driving by one day.

 

Are you saying I should make a move on someone who is in a relationship?

 

I thought I was rather lucky to discover that before I did try anything.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, you got her information from her DL which was dropped...nice of you to return it, but you invaded her privacy...you couldn't have googled her if you didn't have that information in the first place...

 

I don't really understand your question here...she never propositioned you, she was just being friendly, maybe she was flirting with you, but maybe that's just her personality...

 

Lorr didn't say to make a move, just that she'd glare at you, too...

 

I think that you felt like you one-upped her by having that info...for all you know the holidays could have been very disappointing and you just brought it up and hurt her more by rubbing the salt in her wounds...

 

Why bring it up at all? Why not just not be as flirty or friendly...If you did try anything, she might have told you she had a boyfriend...

[masked_man]

She didn't go on a holiday that I know of, since she's been working at the cafe every time I've gone there in the last two weeks. Being Xmas/new year I merely asked IF she had any plans for the holiday period with her b/f. I mean if she can ask about my plans for evening, weekend and all, surely I can ask similar such questions??

 

The thing is the change in her attitude, she was all very friendly and now suddenly she gives me daggers. I can't see why a mention of her b/f would upset her so?

 

I wasn't trying to "one up" her or anything. I was just curious, it was a spur of the moment thing. I too have a blog and my referrer logs show one or two look ups on my name (my last name is quite rare) per month, so I get googled by people unknown as well. That's not an issue since having a blog (and incidentally a friendster page also) I know I am visible online.

 

I wouldn't post any info online that I wouldn't want any random Tom Dick or Harry seeing, and I am sure nor would she.

[reservoirdog1]

Oh, come on... I think we're all overreacting here. So he read her name on her DL. Big deal. Who, in the same position, wouldn't have done that? How the hell else is he supposed to know who to return it to? Most people look like sh*t in their DL photos.

 

And, once he knows her name, why not google her? I do that all the time. I've done it many times with women I've been interested in.

 

And finally, he didn't say he TOLD her he read her blog -- all he said was, "so do you have holiday plans? Going somewhere with your BF?" That's a classic not-so-subtle way to find out if a woman even HAS a BF before investing any more effort in her. How does she even know he googled her or read her blog?

 

Sounds like she's wound a bit too tight for living. Most women, I think, would've taken a comment like that in stride. Who knows why she started acting pissy towards him. Like he said, that's her issue, not his.

[Okeydokey]

I don't really see any reason to be judgmental about having looked up her friendster profile... who cares? After all, if she didnt want people looking at her profile she should have set it to private or not had one at all...

 

One thing I know about friendster and this is the reason why I deleted MY PROFILE is that it tells you who has viewed your profile - so your friend might have seen that you viewed her in which case she probably does find you creepy now.

 

For future reference though I think profiles like that are not very reliable - a lot of times people don't update them as often as their status changes. A friend of mine has been in a relationship for three years, got married, and has pictures up of her on her wedding day, but it still says single. So in future I wouldn't jump to that sort of conclusion based on a profile or a blog... good luck to you. Lesson learned right?

[masked_man]

Thanks for your comments reservoirdog1 and Okeydokey.

 

it tells you who has viewed your profile

True, but I disabled that the day they bought it in, it now means I can't see whose been viewing me though. No biggie.

 

So, no she wouldn't have known I saw her profile. She posts a link to her blog from her profile, and the last entry is only a week old, so the info about her "status" is pretty much up to date, given she really only blogs about the one subject.

 

That's a classic not-so-subtle way to find out if a woman even HAS a BF before investing any more effort in her.

Yep. Kind of half the reason I asked really.

 

I'd wise up though if I were her. Her BF could easily google her and land on her blog as I did. Man, you should see some of the stuff she writes about him.

 

I'll steer clear of this one I think.

[crazy_grl]

How exactly did you ask? Was it a casual question, like the way a person would ask if they were probing to find out or was it in an accusing tone? If you were all accusing, I can see why she might glare. If you just asked a question, then that's pretty f'ed up of her.

 

She sounds screwed up anyway... she's unhappy with her bf but afraid to be alone. That alone is a big red flag.

[masked_man]

Hey Crazy, as I say I was friendly and casual when asking her, and I went on to wish her happy holidays. Her reply was simple, though she did look a little startled, "no... WE'RE doing nothing."

[Guest]

This thread is too funny. Some peeps think the OP walked up to cafe girl n said 'hey I found yr DL, then I googled you, then found yr blog, then found out you hv a Bf your telling me nothing about.'

 

WAKE UP ladies, no one's that dumb.

 

As to the OP's problem: she's gray dude becoz you discovered her little secret, that is her Bf. She has charmed you for 6 mths to the point you were abt to ask her out. Then the DL google thing happens, and the deal is off for you.

 

Odd that in 6 months of you 2 sharing plans for the w/e she never once mentioned her Bf hey? Why be so coy hey? And saying you have no plans for the w/e, EVERY w/e, is the classic not-so-subtle way of dropping 'ask me out' hints.

 

But I say let it go dude.... who wants a Gf that spends all her time bad mouthing her Bf in her blog anyways?

 

Also theres a thread in the DATING forum abt googling partners, go check it dude, looks like everyone is doing it ,as if thats news.

 

annnnnnnnnnnnnd this little story is the exact reason you DO google peeps. See, she had something to hide din she?

[JCD]

This is the classic case of girls being monkeys ie. not letting go of the branch until they have a firm grasp on another one. What is up with girls that simply can't be alone by themselves for couple of months? I just don't get it.

[Walk]

I don't know why the girls attitude changed after you talked to her about the holidays... But I do know that when I worked in a coffee shop I got some EXTREMELY scary guys who ended up stalking me and causing me mental trauma.. I got to the point where I was skiddish if someone looked at me the wrong way. There are some really messed up in the head men out there, and they seem to gravitated toward coffee shops.

 

Another thought, it's kind of their job to flirt with the customers. I dont' know if she gets tips or not, but if she does, even more reason to flirt with you. Doesn't mean she wants to date you. You're supposed to flirt back, be happy, buy your coffee and then leave. Not fall in love with her.

 

Her bad mood might be totally unrelated to you too.

 

And yes, I do agree that you should back off since you now know she has a bf. Don't get caught in the middle of that. That only creates drama and problems. I'm sure you don't really need more of that in your life.

 

p.s. what is so wrong with looking up her profile? Let me put information on the web for any tom dick or harry to view, and then get pissed when they do?? That's evil and twisted.

[masked_man]

Thanks again for your thoughts on this. Seems like Guest #2 pretty much nailed it, and there's been some developments since I was last in here.

 

Basically today was my first visit to the cafe since last week. Friends from out of town are here for the holidays, so we've been on a few day trips away, etc.

 

So I walked in there this morning. She greeted me with a big happy smile and then said "I haven't seen you in a few days - was worried I'd scared you off!"

 

She then told me my coffee was on her since she'd "been a b*tch" to me the last few days. I was... a bit taken aback. Anyway we went on to have quite a good chat.

 

Basically she told me the BF is gone. She finally ended it at the weekend, "although it was over long ago," she said. Told me she'd also been addressing a few of her, shall we say, "lack-of-assertiveness issues" in the last few days.

 

She shouted me another coffee as "thank you" for returning her drivers license, which she'd "forgotten" to do sooner. She asked if I noticed her DOB on it, and that last Sunday was in fact her b'day! (actually I hadn't!)

 

She hinted it would have been nice to have gone for a birthday dinner with me. So... I asked on a "belated" dinner tomorrow night!

 

So there may yet be a happy ending here

[lorr]

Admittedly I was harsh with you when I posted on this thread and I apologise. I have to say this development sounds like really good and positive news, and I wish you luck.

[crazy_grl]

She hinted it would have been nice to have gone for a birthday dinner with me. So... I asked on a "belated" dinner tomorrow night!

 

So there may yet be a happy ending here

 

Good luck. Take care with this one. She sounds a bit unstable and she's coming out of what seems like a bad relationship. Hope it works out for you though.

[LilMiss Intimidation]

So out of no where you asked her if she had plans with her boyfriend? She definately thinks you're a stalker. How on earth would you know that if she never told you. That's what I'd be thinkin atleast. Maybe she was interested in you so she was hiding the fact that she had a boyfriend from you. Until you said that.

 

Have a good one.

[Okeydokey]

Congratulations. Have fun. =)

[Guest]

maybe she did tell him she had a bf? and if she did why would she be chatting with him if she said that? sounds confusing. i know i never double date - one on one kinda guy. hard finding women that just do that as well. seems like everyone liked playing the field now a days. maybe i'm just weird and doing this the wrong way. is it wrong to just be a one to one guy in 2007?

[reservoirdog1]

Ahhh... great development. So, when you asked about the BF she was probably just in a really sensitive spot about that. Sort of like asking a guy who's just learned his wife is cheating on him, "so, how's that lovely wife of yours?"

 

Proceed with caution -- she's no doubt still hurting, and you could end up being the rebound guy. But the initial indications are promising. Have fun, and try not to let your emotions get ahead of you.

[masked_man]

Thanks again for the comments etc everyone.

 

There's probably a lot I could say about this but so I don't bore you all I'll just try and supply the brief edited highlights.

 

We've done a lot of talking the last few days now. Basically she was originally "upset" simply because I knew she already had a BF. The "how I knew" aspect didn't bother her at all. It turns out she lives above the cafe with her family, and since I live about 300 metres away, she simply assumed I'd seen her & BF around & about the neighbourhood.

 

However up to the point I made mention of him, she had assumed I didn't know about him, and was in fact hoping I'd assume she was single. Clear as mud, right?

 

Even though she was pretty much over her BF quite sometime ago, I'm still taking this slowly. I'll be away OS on holiday for a few weeks, plus have a few work related trips interstate, all happening over the next two months, so that'll give her a bit of space without me being around all of the time.

 

So all up so far it's a case of so far so good.

 

Cheers again

[Okeydokey]

good stuff! thanx for the update (sometimes people forget!). it's always fun to start something new. =)

[crazy_grl]

I didn't want to really say much before, because I didn't want to come across trying to rain on your parade or being jaded, but reading this I feel like I'm watching a child lying in front of a speeding car and not moving an inch to save him.

 

However up to the point I made mention of him, she had assumed I didn't know about him, and was in fact hoping I'd assume she was single. Clear as mud, right?

 

Hun, that was pretty clear from the beginning. This is typical of girls who do the tree branch thing that JCD was talking about. It's beyond me why you think it's a good sign that she wanted you to think she was single. To me, that's a warning flag that she's willing to withold the truth and/or lie to get something she wants.

 

She could have been honest with you, but since she knew you might lose interest, she didn't tell you she had a bf. It benefitted her, but it wasn't very considerate to you. And I can't think of a sane reason why she would glare at you and act all upset because you figured out she had a bf. So she thought you'd seen them together. Ok, so why get upset at you? She's the one with the bf she never told you about. You have more right to be upset at her (and even you don't have that much right to get upset since you two hadn't even gone out).

 

She may have attributed her not breaking up with her boyfriend to be lack of assertiveness, but people usually lack assertiveness for a reason. I'm willing to bet that her not being assertive is a symptom of a bigger problem, not the problem itself. Her fear of being alone probably has a lot to do with it, and that fear itself most likely comes from a deeper issue.

 

One mistake I hate to see people make is to ignore warning flags because they're so excited about the person. I see people do this most when a person is already involved in a relationship when they met them. How she treated the current bf (or now ex) is the best indicator of how she's going to behave in a new relationship, and yet people just ignore the bad behavior because they're so happy to have won the person over or something.

 

Do you think that this girl treated her ex well? What if you were her boyfriend? How would you feel about her flirting with some guy behind your back and posting nasty things on the internet for all to see? Right now, there's absolutely no reason for you to think that she wouldn't do those things to you. A lot of people in your situation justify the other person's behavior by saying that the bf treated her bad. Since they'd never treat their girl badly, she wouldn't do the same to them. Big mistake, because even if the girl's bf was cheating on her every night, that's no excuse. The honorable option is always to break up with a person before trying to find a replacement (and especially before bad mouthing him to the whole world).

 

In short, my point is that if you want to start seeing this girl, great. Give her a chance. BUT date other girls too. Don't make it anything serious until her behavior shows that she's not going to treat you like she did her ex. Wait until she's got her "assertiveness" issues worked out. If she has a problem with you wanting to take things slow, then you're probably better off without her. It'll save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

[Wantingtogetitright]

applause applause applause

 

nothing crazy in this post crazy_grl

 

Every bit of advice IMHO is spot on and should be heeded to the letter!