Did I make a mistake?

[VeniceQueen]

I feel like screaming.

 

A little over a week ago my ex called to tell me he'd been thinking of me constantly and how much he missed me. (I didn't make it easy for him to get ahold of me and let him do all the chasing.) We've been out a couple times since then and things have been great. But I know we need to have the dreaded "talk" if we hope to build something better this time. When I asked him what we were going to do to imrpove things his response was "We're not going to overthink it." I didn't like that answer but I let it go until now.

 

Both of us are going to be extremely busy next week so I thought this weekend we could have another night together. But I still feel like I always have to be the one to initiate making plans. I was hoping he would and he didn't. He sure did make plenty of time for his friends this week, however. I wanted to bring this up without sounding clingy.

 

I also feel I need to stick to my guns on the "talk" so I sent him this e-mail earlier yesterday:

 

 

 

"I have to stand my ground on this. Sometime we're going to have to get together and talk about things. It could be at Starbucks or one of our houses but it needs to be done.

 

I know you don't want to overthink things and I don't want to dwell on things either. The past is the past. But I think we need to have one good talk about the problems we had and what changes that need to be made so we don't face them again this time around. And then let it go. It won't be brought up again, ever, because we wouldn't be able to move on with the past issues plaguing us.

 

I just don't want us to hurt each other again. We had some real problems that were never really resolved. I want to resolve them and leave them in the past, to avoid more conflict in the future. I want the future to be better for us.

 

If you're truly serious about this I'm sure you will understand what I'm trying to say.

 

I thought we would get two nights this week. I am glad that you're getting to see your friends a lot but I'm feeling pushed to the side again. I like to plan things a little bit ahead in case maybe I want to make other plans. Lately I feel like I'm just "filling the void." I'm only here in case there's nothing better to do. For once I want to feel like maybe you want to see me instead of me doing all the work. That's what hurts me the most. "

 

 

I got no response. Later that night he was online and after an hour, I got weak and IM'd him. (I know, stupid. I should have let him contact me.) At first it was a casual "hello" and then I asked him what he thought of what I sent him and to let me know when he was ready to talk. He just said "okay." He didn't have much to say and was very cold. I asked him what was wrong and he replied with "nothing." So I said I'd give him his space.

 

I don't know what to make of this. I don't think I asked for a lot. It's driving me crazy, it really is. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, of the humiliation that would come with being dumped again. I love this man with all my heart and the sweet things he said the night he called me still linger with my thoughts.

 

What do you think this means? Do I just go back to NC until he decides to come around?

[phyrespryte]

I think for now, you should just let it go.

 

Looking back, it would've been good if you had just kept things a bit distant and taken things EXTREMELY slow. It seems like you just went back to the way things used to be, without letting him know that he's got to start from the beginning and earn your trust again.

 

Also did he make it clear that he wanted to get back with you? Because saying "I miss you" isn't the same as "I want to try again". I'm just asking because even though you were hanging out with him...it didn't really sound like you were together again. More like just talking.

 

Which isn't bad. That was your chance to wow him again. To show him that you're fun to be around with. That with or without him you're going to be happy. To let him say, "let's try again". Except I think you got a bit panicked.

 

That email, the jealousy of his friends, constantly wanting to have the "talk", pretty much screams clingy and desperate. I'm not saying it's wrong that you felt that way, it's understandable since he already hurt you. But it's not really appealing behavior. Imagine the situation reversed, how would you feel? Would you want to go back to someone that's constantly pressuring you to choose them?

 

One last thing...

I wouldn't go all out NC on him. That would mean you'd never talk to him again until you've healed and no longer have romantic feelings towards him.

 

I think you should definitely stop contacting him for now. Let him call you back. Stop worrying about him and just focus on making yourself happy without him.

[VeniceQueen]

No, I don't think we're "official" but it did feel like we were back together. He even said being with me made sense.

 

And as painful as it is to admit I think you're right. I panicked. I am just really afraid of being hurt again, of the same problems arising again. But maybe it was too soon to try and initiate such a heavy conversation.

 

I just hope I haven't screwed everything up by scaring him off.

[phyrespryte]

I think one good thing about your email was that you put it out there that you don't want things to be the same. It seems like you've put a lot of effort into making the relationship work and you've revolved your life around his schedule. At least now he knows that you don't want to be treated like that anymore.

 

I'm not sure how things will work out, but I think you shouldn't worry anymore about whether or not you screwed things up. Think of it like this...

 

He screwed up when he left you. Since he's hurt you, he doesn't deserve you. If he can't handle being without you...then he's got to really prove himself. There's no reason for you to keep contacting him. It's all on him now.

 

Just move on. If he decides to try again and you still want him...then you can start worrying again.

[paris38]

I totally agree with Phyresprite's post.

 

I also have to add, though, that if he is in love with you, what you did may have slowed the process down a bit, but if it is true love and you are 'the one' for him, he will come for you in the end for a REAL reconciliation. He didn't seem to come back begging, really, just to feel out for sure if he's really in love with you or not, and right now it seems like he's not really sure. You want a guy who is sure about you, and when he's sure about you, you will know. In fact, he will ask you to marry him. He, as Greg Behrendt would say, will 'step it up.'

If it's not meant to be, he won't come back. You want a guy who really loves you and can't stand the thought of being without you.

[VeniceQueen]

I just don't want to wait on him forever. After all I've done in this relationship, it's not fair to me.

 

I felt like telling him this earlier, but I didn't want to make another mistake. I felt like saying something like "If I pressured you, just know those weren't my intentions. I started to question things because I'm scared. Scared of the same thing happening to us again. But I can't wait on you forever."

 

I think that would just drive him away even more though. He's already brushed me off twice and I don't want to give him another chance to do it again. It's up to him now. But if he doesn't "step it up" real soon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to end it. I still love this man but I just can't deal with this uncertainty much longer.