Married too soon?

[James]

My head is a mess, my insides are twisted and my heart is torn.

 

I am twenty years old, married, and have a beautiful ten month old daughter. As you can probably guess, my wife was pregnant before we decided to get married. At the time I am sure that I would have eventually married her even if she had not gotten pregnant. We decided that we would wait to get married so we didn't feel like we were forced to do so.

 

I ended up quitting college to support our family--really the only thing that I could do. Surviving comfortably, but with no better future in sight, we decided that I would join the Air Force. I could continue my college education, and my family would be well taken care of. Because the Air Force doesn't accept unmarried fathers, we were married three months ago.

 

As much as I hate to say it, I know that I didn't want to get married.

 

I love my wife very much and I desperately want to be the best father that I can be, but I find myself constantly upset or even angry with my wife. She does nothing but try to make me happy, so I am not really justified to be angry with her. I am upset with the way my life turned out I guess, a walking endorsement for birth control. I direct that anger at her, and I don't know why she takes it.

 

It is so petty but I am not in the least bit attracted to her anymore. I fake it when I kiss her. She is so good to me, and I can't imagine a nicer person to spend the rest of your life with, but I can't see how I could do it without being somewhat attracted. I know I miss the zero-responsibility single life, however shallow that might sound. But if you were to tell me one year ago that I would be married I would have laughed you out of the room.

 

I believe that I got married because I wanted to do the "right thing". I still want to do the right thing. I can't imagine not being a part of my daughter's life, and honestly I don't want to leave my wife either.

 

I know that the best thing to do in relationship situations is to talk them out, but honestly, how do you tell your wife that you're not attracted to her? And even still--What good could come of it? She would be devastated, and no solution could come of it. I can't honestly ask her to lose her pregnancy weight or I'm leaving. That's Jerry Springer @#$%! So I've kept this bottled up for awhile now, pretending.

 

I just can't see how anything good could ever come from me saying anything to her. And I don't want to be the bad father that I had.

 

I know that I have to take responsibility for my daughter, and it was my decision to get married, which as far as I can see was the best thing for my daughter, but I don't know how long I can pretend.

 

I don't pretend to expect solutions to my problems, just some human feedback, even if it is to call me a jerk. I've never said anything ever about this, and just opening up feels a little better.

 

Thank you,

 

James.

[aleshm]

Dear James,

 

it's been almost 20 minutes now, from the moment I started reading your post. I read it over and over again. It made me think.

 

As you, I'm also 20 years old. I'm not married and I don't have a kid. I've been with my gf for 3 years now.

 

If I may call your story a "scenario", the same scenario happened to me. Only the part of actually getting the baby and getting married didn't happen. Why? Error in marking the calendar. Few months ago, it all seemed that she is pregnant. I come from a family where money wasn't ever a problem, but I'm financialy independend. But at the moment when me and my gf sat down and talked about what now, my life rolled infront of my eyes. I sat down a day later and made a plan. First sell the car, I have a good job, but still I wanted 110% security financially for the baby, 9 months before not 1 month before. I was about to sign a rent contract for a house and I had a meeting with the car re-seller for my car. My gf called me just in the moment when I was about to sign. She told me it's ok, she got her period. I was relivied, sort of. Part of me was sad, part of me was happy. Sad, because I was kind of a looking forward to it, happy because deep down I did admit it was to early.

 

From what you wrote I can only say, you can be proud of yourself the way you took the responsibility for what happened. Air force, college, thinking. The way you think James, hat down. You can be proud of yourself. Not alot of guys would do what you did. You deserve credit for what you did.

 

Taking it out on her, you're already aware yourself it isn't there right thing to do. Before you do it, count to 10, calm yourself down. Talk it out, don't scream it out (I should know that very well!). Perhaps why your wife takes it all down is, maybe she knows what she has. You, a kid, a life with you and she knows that is all she has and doesn't want to loose it for anything on the world, maybe because she is scared of that?

 

Looking back at what you could have changed, birth control then, etc. stop! You can't change the past, look in the right direction, ahead, future! You can't change this which already happened, you can only make them better, but for the future. If you don't, it's gonna eat you alive.

 

How many times I still hit myself on the head, for going that fast with my car 1 year ago, when I parked it in the living room of a house. I went on, you do that also.

 

You did the right thing in my opinion. If you saw a solution in getting married, if that took care of your daughter and wife, you did the right thing. No question about it.

 

About your feelings to your wife. I can't say anything about it, I don't have any "expirience" in such things. Perhaps you could seek some pro help about it? Or even talk with your wife about it, but you already figured it out, the "direct aproach" isn't the right way! Go easy, go slow.

 

Best wishes,

 

Alesh

My head is a mess, my insides are twisted and my heart is torn. I am twenty years old, married, and have a beautiful ten month old daughter. As you can probably guess, my wife was pregnant before we decided to get married. At the time I am sure that I would have eventually married her even if she had not gotten pregnant. We decided that we would wait to get married so we didn't feel like we were forced to do so. I ended up quitting college to support our family--really the only thing that I could do. Surviving comfortably, but with no better future in sight, we decided that I would join the Air Force. I could continue my college education, and my family would be well taken care of. Because the Air Force doesn't accept unmarried fathers, we were married three months ago. As much as I hate to say it, I know that I didn't want to get married. I love my wife very much and I desperately want to be the best father that I can be, but I find myself constantly upset or even angry with my wife. She does nothing but try to make me happy, so I am not really justified to be angry with her. I am upset with the way my life turned out I guess, a walking endorsement for birth control. I direct that anger at her, and I don't know why she takes it. It is so petty but I am not in the least bit attracted to her anymore. I fake it when I kiss her. She is so good to me, and I can't imagine a nicer person to spend the rest of your life with, but I can't see how I could do it without being somewhat attracted. I know I miss the zero-responsibility single life, however shallow that might sound. But if you were to tell me one year ago that I would be married I would have laughed you out of the room. I believe that I got married because I wanted to do the "right thing". I still want to do the right thing. I can't imagine not being a part of my daughter's life, and honestly I don't want to leave my wife either. I know that the best thing to do in relationship situations is to talk them out, but honestly, how do you tell your wife that you're not attracted to her? And even still--What good could come of it? She would be devastated, and no solution could come of it. I can't honestly ask her to lose her pregnancy weight or I'm leaving. That's Jerry Springer @#$%! So I've kept this bottled up for awhile now, pretending. I just can't see how anything good could ever come from me saying anything to her. And I don't want to be the bad father that I had.

 

I know that I have to take responsibility for my daughter, and it was my decision to get married, which as far as I can see was the best thing for my daughter, but I don't know how long I can pretend. I don't pretend to expect solutions to my problems, just some human feedback, even if it is to call me a jerk. I've never said anything ever about this, and just opening up feels a little better. Thank you, James.

[Cici]

James,

 

That's what's most important, I think...opening up and letting out what you're feeling. Admitting that you have a problem dealing with a situation that any normal person would freak out in is admirable. And what you're going through is completely understandable. I'm 20, and I cannot imagine having a baby right now (this is why I'm on the pill AND use a condom. ha ha)

 

As far as discussing things with your wife, it IS important to let her know what's going on with you, so she can understand and maybe even try to help. The important thing is that you be honest without being hurtful. The way you do this is by carefully wording the things you want to say to her.

 

Try writing down a list of things about her or the marriage that are bothering you. Read it out loud and imagine how you would react to the list if you were her. Then re-word the information if it seems too hurtful.

 

The emotions you are feeling are very real and should not be discounted or trivialized. Sometimes it helps to have an objective party help you analyze your feelings and lead you through the process of self-examination and self-acceptance. Marriage counseling might be a good idea for you and she's probably having problems dealing with this as well.

 

Good luck, keep us posted!

 

C.

[Lianne]

Have you ever considered low-fee therapy?

 

I think that you are taking out feelings on your wife that she doesn't deserve. Don't make her a victim of bachelor nostalgia. It's not fair to her. She's your partner, you share a baby, she's there for you, why turn away from her. Stress is a part of every situation but you have to deal with your decisions and you have to put your family first. Love your wife and try to talk to a profeesional about your feelings.

[Guy]

I would also recommend that you seriously consider going in for some counseling. What you're going through is perfectly normal. You were forced into this situation before you were ready for it. You can be proud that you did the right thing and stood by your g/f when she became pregant and support your new family. But now you're settled down at a relatively young age. The fact that you were able to so honestly describe your feelings about the situation is great and I think it shows that you're still trying to do the right thing and understand the situation. All I can say is don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. You're taking on a lot right now and there's nothing wrong with looking for some support.

My head is a mess, my insides are twisted and my heart is torn. I am twenty years old, married, and have a beautiful ten month old daughter. As you can probably guess, my wife was pregnant before we decided to get married. At the time I am sure that I would have eventually married her even if she had not gotten pregnant. We decided that we would wait to get married so we didn't feel like we were forced to do so. I ended up quitting college to support our family--really the only thing that I could do. Surviving comfortably, but with no better future in sight, we decided that I would join the Air Force. I could continue my college education, and my family would be well taken care of. Because the Air Force doesn't accept unmarried fathers, we were married three months ago. As much as I hate to say it, I know that I didn't want to get married. I love my wife very much and I desperately want to be the best father that I can be, but I find myself constantly upset or even angry with my wife. She does nothing but try to make me happy, so I am not really justified to be angry with her. I am upset with the way my life turned out I guess, a walking endorsement for birth control. I direct that anger at her, and I don't know why she takes it. It is so petty but I am not in the least bit attracted to her anymore. I fake it when I kiss her. She is so good to me, and I can't imagine a nicer person to spend the rest of your life with, but I can't see how I could do it without being somewhat attracted. I know I miss the zero-responsibility single life, however shallow that might sound. But if you were to tell me one year ago that I would be married I would have laughed you out of the room. I believe that I got married because I wanted to do the "right thing". I still want to do the right thing. I can't imagine not being a part of my daughter's life, and honestly I don't want to leave my wife either. I know that the best thing to do in relationship situations is to talk them out, but honestly, how do you tell your wife that you're not attracted to her? And even still--What good could come of it? She would be devastated, and no solution could come of it. I can't honestly ask her to lose her pregnancy weight or I'm leaving. That's Jerry Springer @#$%! So I've kept this bottled up for awhile now, pretending. I just can't see how anything good could ever come from me saying anything to her. And I don't want to be the bad father that I had.

 

I know that I have to take responsibility for my daughter, and it was my decision to get married, which as far as I can see was the best thing for my daughter, but I don't know how long I can pretend. I don't pretend to expect solutions to my problems, just some human feedback, even if it is to call me a jerk. I've never said anything ever about this, and just opening up feels a little better. Thank you, James.

[carol]

I like Cici's advise. I just want to add that the stress you are feeling from settling down has alot more to do with the lack of physical attraction that you feel for your wife than you realize. Once you decide in your own mind, that you have made the right choices, you will probably return to the initial feelings of attraction that you had for her. If it is her weight that is bothering you, read up a little on just how many changes a womans body has to go through to carry and deliver a child. It might help you be more understanding of her. Don't say anything to her about her weight. It may only make her depressed, resentful and create more weight gain. Complement her on days that she has made a special effort to look nice, even if you have to lie a little. This will make her feel good and want to look good for you. What you should talk to her about is how unsure you are of being so commited at such a young age. She probably has the same concerns and she can certainly tell that something is bothering you. Just be sure to make your intentions known from the begining of the conversation. Let her know that you want things to work and that you want to be a good dad, throughout the entire conversation. Most importantly, dont give up. Marraige is not easy, it takes time for a couple to get to the point of fitting together, no matter how old you are. Focus your attention and energy on the good things to come. Good Luck.

My head is a mess, my insides are twisted and my heart is torn. I am twenty years old, married, and have a beautiful ten month old daughter. As you can probably guess, my wife was pregnant before we decided to get married. At the time I am sure that I would have eventually married her even if she had not gotten pregnant. We decided that we would wait to get married so we didn't feel like we were forced to do so. I ended up quitting college to support our family--really the only thing that I could do. Surviving comfortably, but with no better future in sight, we decided that I would join the Air Force. I could continue my college education, and my family would be well taken care of. Because the Air Force doesn't accept unmarried fathers, we were married three months ago. As much as I hate to say it, I know that I didn't want to get married. I love my wife very much and I desperately want to be the best father that I can be, but I find myself constantly upset or even angry with my wife. She does nothing but try to make me happy, so I am not really justified to be angry with her. I am upset with the way my life turned out I guess, a walking endorsement for birth control. I direct that anger at her, and I don't know why she takes it. It is so petty but I am not in the least bit attracted to her anymore. I fake it when I kiss her. She is so good to me, and I can't imagine a nicer person to spend the rest of your life with, but I can't see how I could do it without being somewhat attracted. I know I miss the zero-responsibility single life, however shallow that might sound. But if you were to tell me one year ago that I would be married I would have laughed you out of the room. I believe that I got married because I wanted to do the "right thing". I still want to do the right thing. I can't imagine not being a part of my daughter's life, and honestly I don't want to leave my wife either. I know that the best thing to do in relationship situations is to talk them out, but honestly, how do you tell your wife that you're not attracted to her? And even still--What good could come of it? She would be devastated, and no solution could come of it. I can't honestly ask her to lose her pregnancy weight or I'm leaving. That's Jerry Springer @#$%! So I've kept this bottled up for awhile now, pretending. I just can't see how anything good could ever come from me saying anything to her. And I don't want to be the bad father that I had.

 

I know that I have to take responsibility for my daughter, and it was my decision to get married, which as far as I can see was the best thing for my daughter, but I don't know how long I can pretend. I don't pretend to expect solutions to my problems, just some human feedback, even if it is to call me a jerk. I've never said anything ever about this, and just opening up feels a little better. Thank you, James.