no rebound, please

[perfect?]

i'll try and be as brief as possible.

 

i really kind of afraid i'm becoming a rebound for someone i've known for about ten years. i've had a crush on her for this long and finally, an opportunity to ask her out. only thing, her life is in total instability right now. i've also had the pleasure of having friends that remind me how flaky this person has behaved in the past, with regards to guys. i also know that her ex was abusive and just kind of a bad risk (shady, nuts) all around.

 

the idea of just breaking this off is just devastating, cause, like i said, i've wanted to ask her out for years. and there are sparks happening, or is it more likely desperation or loneliness on her part. there is a good bit of attraction, physical and emotional, and we have had sex, which felt totally unweird up until i started to just get anxious about the whole situation.

 

i'm pretty sure that there's been a mutual attraction for a long time though. i just know that there have been two other occassions of really nice guys in between the rotten ones and i seem to be following a real a**h***. AND it seems as if she stays with the rotten ones longer. old saying that you get tired of real fast in this situation- nice guys finish last, aaaggghh.

 

i'm just worried and scared, cause, she's seems to be cooling off a little, but, hasnt indicated any breakup.

 

what on earth do i do. is breaking up the only solution? i kinda hope not. i really dont want to just be part of a pattern. are there ways of knowing or making the proper judgement in regards to maintaining a "more than friendly relationship". i realize you have to be friends and behave that way, but i'm SMITTEN. sigh

[velvet]

Follow whats in your heart. If not hearing from her for a couple of days worries you, don't be worried. If you really want something more special to bloom than take it slow.

 

You already have history together. Thats a plus. That means you always have something special for each other that know one else can touch.

 

Its not always a good idea to be dating someone on the rebound because your basically just a transition for that person. Not in your case. Again, because of your f/s history and love for each other, it would have to take a whole lot to forget about those feelings. On the other hand she could show negative things about herself, try and push you away or go nuts like her ex but stand by her If you think you can. Do whats in your heart and one day you should be rewarded.

 

In my case I fell in love with a guy whom I was friends with for about 8 years before falling in love with him. When I did he was only in his second month of separation from his wife. They had just had a baby girl and he was taken for all he was worth. I had to deal with a whole lot. I had to deal with his pain, his divorce, his anger toward everything, including me. I stood by him and after a couple years, lets say I was rewarded. Things are finally going good for us.

 

I think a much stronger bond is created when taking a f/s and turning it into more.

 

Good Luck

[yes]

i can see why u'r suspicious, and if i were u, i'd simply take it SLOW. the best way to check if someone's into you is to back off a LITTLE, and see if they come after you to see what's wrong and to put you back in place...

 

i think u have no way of knowing how she feels and how long this can last until you simply stick around for a while. you won't be a rebound if u'r not too easy of a catch, i think. just be careful not to smother her...

 

just some thoughs,

-yes

[Zeryrock]

the previous two posts for you, Mr. Man, give you some great advice. I don't know that I can add much to what they've already saaid. Take your time, just be there for her. As a longtime friend who really does care a great deal about her, if you leave all the anxiety about the situation behind and just be a sense of security for her (which I'm sure she desperately needs at this point in time) I believe that all will fall into place. In the mean time, all the questions and worries that I'm sure are bothering you right now, go to your close friends and unload, even if they can't give you much advice...you will feel better by geetting everything off your chest.

[Ally Boo]

Give her time. Some women don't KNOW how to have a good guy. You can ask Michael about this. When you have had nothing but bad guys, and you hang around, waiting for them to change (as stupid as that sounds), you get used to it. And when a good guy comes around, you don't know how to accept his kindness. She probably needs therapy. Or a REALLY strong person in her life that knows a lot about relationships and has incredible patience. I've put Michael through a lot but he treats me wonderful and refuses to accept the phrase "Nice guys finish last." His name on here is Acid Reflux. Why don't you PM him or something, he can probably help you.

[yes]

i've been thinking about why it's somewhat off-turning when the guy is all nice and sweet.

 

well, i think first of all, a r/s that's going well - no fights, no problems, no issues - might get boring soon. you know - a smooth ride is boring, you gotta have some bumps in there.

 

second of all, i think theres an inner fear - if this r/s works out, i might stay w/ him for the rest of my life! ... I think when I see guys with obvious faults I wouldn't tolerate for too long, i feel like i have a safety net - i will break up, even if it seems painful by then. that way, i know there'll be more men, new r/s's, etc.

 

just some thoughts,

-yes

[perfect?]

i really appreciate everybody's responses.

 

well, i dont think nice guys are necessarily boring. it's definitely a matter of knowing when to back up a little. my last girlfriend (who has turned out to be a great friend) says that sometimes i gave too much and it was difficult for her at times to feel as if she was reciprocating enough. and i totally get that.

 

here's another part of my situation now. i have tried to cool off a little, but, ... hmmm, let me see if i can describe this. the physical contact is there, not raging sex necessarily, but she still pets a good bit, you know, touching affectionately. you know, like if you're driving somewhere and someone just starts rubbing the back of your neck or something. WITHOUT me initiating it. and she ALWAYS kisses me goodnight or goodbye when i drop her at home. and velvet's reply mentions this, i dont go a day without hearing from her or seeing her. if i dont call, she calls me. so, as far as body signals, things are alright, it's just so nonverbal.

good stuff?? i can see where if someone has been hurt, they are not quite as willing to speak about their affections to quickly.it's just DIFFICULT to be cool when someone is stroking your arm and smiling sweetly at you. mmmm.

 

i dont want to sound as if i'm not willing to be just a friend, i'm generally loyal to all my friends and very reliable,... it's just...

well, being a lover to someone AND being a friends should exist somewhere beside daydreams, and i'd kinda like it to happen with this person. perfect?

[velvet]

Depends on how much you feel for her and how she feels for you. Do you know in your heart that she loves you just as much. You can usually tell these because the answer comes from the pit of your stomach.

 

Asking someone if they would be exclusive with you is one thing. When a person doesn't want to be exclusive but shares a roaring fire of love with you, thats another. If she is not ready to build a r/s and you feel thats what you want and feel she does to but the timing is wrong, than like I said be with her but also give her space. Give her time to miss you when your not around to be available to her at her beck and call. Its okay to show anger or resentment toward her if you feel your about to burst you want her badly. She needs to understand your desire for her.

 

All r/s don't start perfectly. When people fall in love is should be as easy as the other person feeling the same way. Everyone is built differently and some don't know how to receive or give love like want to. Some are afraid of closeness and need some encouragement.

 

Usually one knows when to stop. She shows definite signs that she wants to be with you. Her signs of affection are on a more sensual level.

[perfect?]

well, this in is regards to my previous post "no rebound please"

now i just feel like i am getting burned, grrr.

 

and the thing is, until i really know that i'm not just being paranoid, i'm not gonna say anything BECAUSE i really would like this to be something wonderful and fulfilling. rrrraarrr. to all you folks that replied to my first post, thank you. i'm really trying to pay attention to all the advice i've gotten. but, at this moment, i am so stuck, i mean, i wish there was a book that just said "well, here are reasons to hang in there" and provided a list, and then "here are reasons to believe you're getting screwed "(actually, you got screwed but that's not gonna be a possibility anymore, sap). hey, i know they like me, but, hmmm, they're not acting like they did three weeks ago, and they wont just come out and say, " i dont wanna do this anymore" and i'm not gonna let this be a self-fulfilling thing where i say it and they go , "well, if you're gonna be that way...". maybe a lightning bolt will just come down and tap me on the shoulder.... and you know what, i am freaking out, cause i dont think i've been in a more confused state,

 

but....

 

am i just being paranoid? or neurotic enough to ruin something?

 

i dont know about you guys, but, i'm on the edge of my seat!!

to be continued?

 

and i know that these posts should be informative in content and people should be able to get something out of them, so, to everybody that's felt this way also...

 

let's all raise a glass of chamomile tea, and go to bed.

 

night, night, ol' perfect?