paris38 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 when you break up with a woman, telling them you 'no longer are 'in love' with them but love them as a friend, do you really mean it ALL the time? This guy broke up with me 5 months ago and that is what he told me, but he keeps emailing me and calling, and he wanted to get together a few times......he gets especially active with the emails when I don't reply for a couple days or don't return his voice messages. I still love him but have been taking steps to move on, because I figure if a guy tells you "I'm not in love with you" that is saying he "is not in love with you" and you should move on with your life without him in it.....but why does he keep contacting me, it's like he's giving me hope.....is it possible in the future he might want to reconcile, or he is realizing that the months apart have shown him he really WAS in love with me? He also wrote me an email with all the things that I did 'wrong' in our relationship that made him originally fall out of love with me and they were relatively minor and fixable "I never cooked for him after we started the first month of dating" "I never went out and raked his yard with him" OK, I was driving every other weekend an hour and a half to see him and staying with him all weekend, he hardly EVER came to see me after the first 2 months of dating......he is the kind of guy who is 'master of his yard' so I let him do his puttering in the yard, while I would go grab lunch and bring him a refreshing drink and often would visit with him while he did that. I would have been willing to help with the rake, but he didn't communicate with me that me not raking was ticking him off.....plus, having been single most of my life, I don't really 'cook' I 'heat things up' and his lifestyle was he was married, divorced with 2 kids, he was used to having his dinner when he got home from work while all those years I was building a career and dating/in relationships as an unmarried woman. Oh, we NEVER argued...also, I was very good about doing the dishes, cleaning up after myself, setting the table, clearing the table, preparing side dishes while he grilled, it's not like I was sitting on my butt while he did all the cooking. It was just it was HIS house and I was sort of a 'guest' so I was doing what I felt to help him out around the house, but apparently it wasn't enough. Is it possible he is still in love with me and we can fix these problems he has with me, because I can cook a mean beef stroganoff if necessary, and I actually like to do yard work. Or is it unfixable? I sort of wish he would have communicated these things with me while we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
suunto Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 i really feel for you paris but to break up over not raking the yard or not cooking is pathetic on his part, what a way to treat a woman, its all about him, you should come first. because I can cook a mean beef stroganoff if necessary, and I actually like to do yard work. Or is it unfixable? I sort why should you? really............why should you, your thinking if you bend to these two things, then things will be good but it will just become something else......................you don't rake the yard properly.....................you didn't watch the right thing on TV. its not love is it its **** but its going to take a lot more than raking a yard to make him pull his finger out his ass and stop being selfish if you'd drove an hour and an half to see me at the weekends then the last thing you would be doing is cooking or raking a yard, as you said, you were the guest, thats how you should be treated and more Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 That is good, I needed to hear that. He would even often ask me to come up on WEEKNIGHTS, and I would end up driving an hour and a half to work. Then when we break up I hear that I wasn't supporting him and doing enough. I guess I felt I was supporting in my own way by being there when he wanted, and he just didn't appreciate my type of support, to be the kind of support he wanted I should have instinctively known to be the "little woman" cooking dinner and grabbing a rake to be by his side when he was doing yardwork. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 if you'd drove an hour and an half to see me at the weekends then the last thing you would be doing is cooking or raking a yard, as you said, you were the guest, thats how you should be treated and more Damn right...!! You visit someone...drive all that way... and still do stuff around their place... ... id say you would be a keeper... Forget this guy.... and get someone who will appreciate what you do have to offer... That guy is unbelievable...! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Well, sorry, but if he expected you to act like little wifey after a few months of dating, he should have given you a big rock and started planning a wedding. You're his girlfriend, not his wife. If he expect his girlfriend to drive that far to come see him, and then he's got nothing better on tap than to hand her a rake, he's got his priorities a little screwed up. The early months of dating should be about courtship, not setting up expectations that you can't meet because you don't even know what they are, much less if ther are even appropriate. He should have been pulling you into that pile of leaves and ravishing you in the yard, not worrying about why you weren't in the kitchen making him a good meal. If he fell out of love with you because you didn't cook for him, consider yourself blessed to be rid of him. Is that the kind of life you'd want to set yourself up for? God forbid you were to marry this guy..."sorry, honey, I want a divorce because you came home late from the office one too many times and didn't have a hot meal waiting for me..." Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 when he wrote me that email about things "wrong" with me about 3 weeks ago, that really hurt my self-esteem. Also, he has 2 teenage kids living with him halftime who are very rude and disrespectful, and he never expected them to help at ALL around the house, yet he would be at their beck and call when they needed a chauffeur to the mall, friends' houses, etc. They would yell and scream at him even when I was there, and they had absolutely no consequences. SO...that was the problem I had with HIM....not being a responsible father and allowing his kids to walk all over him, but I was not writing him an email telling him this. (Well, I loved him very much but I was worried that if it reached the 'moving in' or 'marriage' stage, I could NOT be happy in a house with kids who treat the man I love like that and he does nothing about it.) I think I was great for accepting his parenting fault, which really bugged me. I can tell you his 16 year old son wouldn't be caught DEAD helping Dad rake the yard unless he was promised a new skateboard or a new video game, and then he would be whining about it after 10 minutes. I am sorry, I am still at the 'anger' stage and his email to me didn't help. I will be very helpful and listening to everyone else and giving my best advice after I have gotten better through this. Thank you, I am so glad I joined this board. Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 What a complete arsehole! All I can say is good riddance to bad rubbish. You deserve a hell of alot better, than being his maid. Link to post Share on other sites
MaxFlirt Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Paris- I don't want to get your hopes up, but to me it sounds like he's still into you. Otherwise, why all the effort to tell you how bad you suck? Didn't he break it off w/ u? You don't get to break-up w/ someone and then later tell them how awful they were. You broke it off. That's painful enough for a person to handle. And I agee with the other poster - he wanted you to do work around his house? Is that a date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 To be honest, the reason he wrote the long email about the things I did wrong in our relationship was because he had emailed me at work that he had 'several dates lined up with a woman over Christmas break'. (we are both high school teachers). I was upset because this was 2 days after he had stopped by my house (he practically insisted on coming) because I had gotten a new laptop computer. I explained I had another tech friend who could help me out with the downloading/router/etc. and I didn't need him to come over (remember it's an hour and a half drive.j) Well, when he was helping me, he tried to have sex with me but I stopped it before it got very far. So, when he emailed me this about his dates, I was very upset and called his home and cell phones leaving about 7 upset messages because he had just tried to be with me a couple days earlier and I told him not to come, and how hurtful is that to just say "hey I am seeing someone else" over work email. So, I sort of went over the deep end with the phone call messages but I was VERY emotional, it is tough to get an email like that especially when you just saw the man and he tried to have sex with you. He called me back late that night and said "By the way, I made it up over the email that I was seeing someone just to see if you were dating someone, because I had a hunch you were dating someone and I just wanted you to tell me since friends share that stuff." Then later he said he had written me an email. I was really tired having been woken up by his late phone call and waited until the next day to read this super long email detailing all the problems he had with me during our relationship which made him fall out of love with him. And they were all stupid things, like the cooking and raking things. So....his email I feel was sort of an emotional email firing back from my emotional phone messages... Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Paris- I don't want to get your hopes up, but to me it sounds like he's still into you. Otherwise, why all the effort to tell you how bad you suck? Didn't he break it off w/ u? You don't get to break-up w/ someone and then later tell them how awful they were. You broke it off. That's painful enough for a person to handle. And I agee with the other poster - he wanted you to do work around his house? Is that a date? Sorry Paris, but this guy is NOT into you. A guy who is going to treat you with love and respect is not going to go out of his way to treat you like dirt. At the end of the day he has got serious issues, and you are better of without him.Look at him dumping you as a lucky escape and an eye-opener, for you to move onto better things. Maybe he should get himself one of those Mail order brides:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 I am not keeping any options open for him, I am sure we will not get back together. There are a lot of problems regarding his two teenage kids which would not work for me longterm with him anyway (mainly that I don't agree with his parenting style, or should I say, complete lack of parenting altogether). I have recently started NC with him, not with hopes of getting him to wonder and think about me, but for myself to stop thinking about him. I put his emails into a file unread by me so I don't think about him. He hasn't called recently so that is good. My twin sister is in town now for a month so that is really helping me to realize the people who are important and love me as I am truly unconditionally, the ones I can really be myself with. Thank you, LOR. Is that your real photo? You look like Meryl Streep and I always thought she was SO beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
suunto Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 To be honest, the reason he wrote the long email about the things I did wrong in our relationship was because he had emailed me at work that he had 'several dates lined up with a woman over Christmas break'. (we are both high school teachers). I was upset because this was 2 days after he had stopped by my house (he practically insisted on coming) because I had gotten a new laptop computer. I explained I had another tech friend who could help me out with the downloading/router/etc. and I didn't need him to come over (remember it's an hour and a half drive.j) Well, when he was helping me, he tried to have sex with me but I stopped it before it got very far. So, when he emailed me this about his dates, I was very upset and called his home and cell phones leaving about 7 upset messages because he had just tried to be with me a couple days earlier and I told him not to come, and how hurtful is that to just say "hey I am seeing someone else" over work email. So, I sort of went over the deep end with the phone call messages but I was VERY emotional, it is tough to get an email like that especially when you just saw the man and he tried to have sex with you. He called me back late that night and said "By the way, I made it up over the email that I was seeing someone just to see if you were dating someone, because I had a hunch you were dating someone and I just wanted you to tell me since friends share that stuff." Then later he said he had written me an email. I was really tired having been woken up by his late phone call and waited until the next day to read this super long email detailing all the problems he had with me during our relationship which made him fall out of love with him. And they were all stupid things, like the cooking and raking things. So....his email I feel was sort of an emotional email firing back from my emotional phone messages... i couldn't dream that stuff up ! What sort of man acts like that? you've been on his one way street and he's just playing you with head games now. At the end of the day is you Paris that is going through this, so no matter how much we can all see the truth and no matter how much the truth is becoming clear to you, your the one that has to deal with it, so when he calls because he wants something for him (not you) don't give any of your power away, don't put yourself below him, keep your power, get above and stay there Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 I am going to keep focusing on work and different things, because I am having the best year ever at work and it makes me feel better than how my ex makes me feel, especially now. It is good to keep hearing these statements, he is NOT for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Hazel Eyes Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Sorry, Paris, I had to respond to this. This guy is a total d--k. It is infuriating how he had the audacity to not only declare how he "fell out of love" with you, but then to send you an email about what you did to cause this! Is he for real?! I think he is absolutely mental. And to even begin to try to figure out why he is like this will cause your head to literally explode. And yes, I completely agree with everyone else here that the idea of being with him in marriage is horrifying! He did you an absolute favor by ending it. Just try to imagine that it was divine intervention that broke you 2 up. Please do yourself a favor and recognize how sick he is. Do not listen to the manipulative crap he has to say. He sounds pretty toxic. In regards to why he still contacts you, it is to try to keep you as his victim. If his life sucks and you aren't around, then he can only blame himself...and I'm sure he's not up for that! By the way, I guarantee you that in a few months (having not spoken with him at all and having met new people), you will be totally creaped out by him. I've had guys who have dumped me and hurt my ego in the process...and then they contact me later and I see them for how they truly are: pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Hey, you asked about this question for men, so I ll answer it like a man. Not everyone means what they say you know. Some do come back , after a second thought only realising that what`s out there isnt `greener`, on the other side after all. "I never went out and raked his yard with him"That has to be the lowest of the low. I laughed at that. In fact I laughed till my sides were sore. I`ve NEVER heard anything like it. He`s not attacked your character, but attacked the things you have no idea about. Its not like your obliged to do it. You`re the guest after all. You only would do something like that if you`re living together. I d honestly try to move on, and find someone who likes the way you are, and not for the things you should be doing! Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Well, speaking from experience: I love you but I am not in love with you means "I like you as a person, I just don't want to have sex with you anymore." I just can't see any other meaning for that statement. And when they say "I want to be your friend" what they really mean is "I'll probably not treat you like a real friend, ever." When someone tells you that, unfortunately you might as well be dead to them because they don't care about you anymore. I have said it to women and I've had it said to me. That's my take on it. Link to post Share on other sites
ohiostatebucks Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 if he told you he is no longer in love with you he may just want a break. esecially if he is always trying to get in contact with him. there is no way you can give up on this guy because he obviosly has interest in you. i am going through this same situation with a girl...she says she doesnt like me but is always contacting me and i dont know wat to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author paris38 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 I do feel like he has some 'pull' towards me, we have the physical attraction, and when he saw me 2 months after we had broken up, I had been to the gym with a trainer and had lost 22 pounds (not because of him) and looked awesome (still do, have continued working out and maintaining my goal weight and toning up.) So I think it threw him for a loop to see me looking that good, so that is why he has been contacting me. He wrote in his email detailing my faults. "Well, you were always saying you wanted to work out and lose weight, why did you wait to actually do that until after we broke up, that was one of your faults when we were together, you always had these 'projects' but never follwed through.' Since we have broken up, he has had to stop running to to a complicated rotator cuff surgery and a follow up procedure and has put on a lot of weight himself, so maybe he was feeling insecure when he wrote that email. I do believe with Caliguy...he broke up with me saying "I am not in love with you" and I have taken that for what it is, but it's been confusing with his contact.....I am starting NC now, 5 months after the breakup with no hopes of reconciliation but with hopes of finding someone who is more compatible with me. I was with him for nearly a year and a half, and it's been 5 months so I think I'm doing pretty well. I appreciate the male population's point of view! And the females' for that matter! Link to post Share on other sites
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