Girlfriend so shy it's embarrassing

[chris58]

I've been with my girlfriend for around 18 months now. Since then I've gotten to know a lot of her friends and her family, and I get on well with all of them. She hasn't had much contact with my family or my old friends though, because we met after I moved a long distance, away from family and friends. A couple of times when I've gone home for holidays to visit she's come with me, which is the only chance I get to introduce her to basically all the people I knew before I met her.

 

Anyway, the thing which bothers me a bit is that she is so shy and quiet when meeting my friends and family, it's very awkward, almost embarrassing; she's polite enough but doesn't really say much, my friends/family try to make pleasant conversation but she gives very short answers, and things go quiet because my friends/family run out of small talk, so I always try to stay "on hand" to try to fill awkward silences.

 

Of course some nervousness is to be expected in this situation, and obviously I know her well enough to be aware that she's just a shy kind of person (and I'm not the most outgoing type myself), but I'd like to do something to make her more comfortable I guess and I don't know what. Occasionally I do things like try to extend her responses to intended conversation-starters, or maybe mention that she's a bit tired today if she seems particularly quiet ... sometimes I think she realises what I'm doing though and seems a little irritated by it, and gets sort of defensive. :-(

 

All this might make it sound like I'm just sick of her and should get rid of her, but on the contrary, I really really like her, and the 99% of the year when I'm not visiting my old home, I'm extremely happy spending time with her and my new friends (which are largely her friends). But having seen her in that context, with people she knows well, when she's so funny and talkative and interesting and smart and everything I love about her, it disappoints me that whenever I take her to meet some of my old friends/family, she becomes almost another person. To be brutally honest, I think my family and friends must wonder what I see in her.

 

I know this is a bit of a weird situation but does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

[kymberann]

I say give her time. I am sure it took her a while to open up to the friends she has now when she originally met them, plus they are probably her friends because they have something in common. As for your friends and family back home, it is difficult to expect to automatically feel as if they are already close to her and accepting. Perhaps she feels your friends and family are sizing her up for your well being, which puts on some added pressure!

Here is another thought, don't make excuses for her. That WILL make her feel defensive, let her establish a rapport in her own way. And it may encourage your friends and family to think there really IS soemthing wrong!

Best

[IpAncA]

But having seen her in that context, with people she knows well, when she's so funny and talkative and interesting and smart and everything I love about her, it disappoints me that whenever I take her to meet some of my old friends/family, she becomes almost another person. To be brutally honest, I think my family and friends must wonder what I see in her.

 

I know this is a bit of a weird situation but does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

 

She probably doesn't know them very well and doesn't want to make a bad impression or doesn't know what to say. She seems like the person who is more comfortable around people she knows and therefore can be herself.

 

I know I'm like that to. If I go somewhere with my H and I don't know anyone really I won't talk that much. But if I see someone that I know I'll talk my head off like crazy.

[Storyrider]

How old is she? Many shy people can learn to compensate for it and learn how to overcome it as they mature and gain experience. Be patient with her.

 

Some tips:

 

--Try to get her alone with one or two people at a time so it is easier for her to be herself without feeling overwhelmed. Once she gets to know individuals she may feel more comfortable in bigger groups.

 

--When you're visting, let her take breaks to read or be by herself between visiting. If she's an introvert she needs this alone time to "recharge".

 

--Can she have one beer or a glass of wine to help her relax?

 

--Don't worry so much about the impression she makes on your family or what they think. She is your girlfriend after all, and what other people think just isn't that important.

[Poboy]

its a possibility when she meets your family , she goes into a shell to avoid making any stupid comments or doing something which would make her embaressed or down among your folks... confidence issue

 

Other possibility is something which happens if you two are in the thought of getting married zone( assuming) , then she has that thought at the back of her mind and on meeting your folks , the pressure of it comes over and so she doesnt act normal...

 

in the long run , this will be an issue ... i think you need to ask her whats going on in her head.

[chris58]

Thanks for those replies.

 

I think the idea of getting her alone with just a small number of people at a time is a great one, thanks Storyrider; she's probably overwhelmed sometimes when I get together with a large group of old friends, for example. I'll do that and try to not make any excuses for her or cover up for her. She doesn't really drink much, but if she does and she's in a bad or quiet mood, she just gets even quieter, so I don't think that would work so well.

 

I know it's not such a big deal what anyone things about her, and I'm certainly not about to dump her or anything, but I just feel like it would be nice for my family (in particular, but also friends) to get to know her the way I do. Isn't this important? Maybe I'm thinking about it the wrong way round ... maybe it's not really anything to do with my relationship with my girlfriend, but more to do with how I want my relationship with my family.

[bab]

Sometimes shy people don't think that people are interested to hear what they have to say, so they don't say much. Why don't you ask her how she is feeling in these situations. Also, try and prep her with something about the other person that she'll be meeting and give her some questions to ask them about. Have her ask them about something that they can go on and on about, so there can be quite a conversation going before she has to chime in with much about herself.

[Storyrider]

I know it's not such a big deal what anyone things about her, and I'm certainly not about to dump her or anything, but I just feel like it would be nice for my family (in particular, but also friends) to get to know her the way I do. Isn't this important?

 

It takes time. Especially if you are only seeing them occasionally. She will gradually open up, and they will get to know her incrementally. Give them a while, and don't try to rush it. They will come around.

[Kathleen2260]

To the OP, I am exactly as you decribed your girlfriend. I am not totally shy- I have a job where I have to interact with the public every single day as well as many coworkers and business people. Yet I am an introvert and when meeting my boyfriend's new friends or meeting his family for the first few times I was terrified. I literally froze up, couldn't think of much more than small talk and absolutely hated being in that situation. It was overwhelming. Also don't make excuses for her or "help" her out. It is probably embarrasing for her when you treat her like something is wrong with her or as if she's mentally retarded. I HATE it when my boyfriend tells people "she's quiet, or she's tired today and doesn't say much. My worst nightmare is a room full of people I don't know and I have to go and talk to them. It is very hard for me. Yet, I took a speech class in college and was the one the teacher said "was never nervous" and I give presentations all the time at work. I can fake it!!

 

The best advice I can give you is as others have said, give your girlfriend some one on one time with your family or start by introducing her to one or two family members or friends at a time and just have a small group for the two of you to hang out with. This will make her feel MUCH more comfortable and she'll be able to open and talk to them. I know that I can be the life of the party and very loud and talkative if its only me and a few friends but large groups freak me out.It is difficult for introverts to speak up when there is already a lot of conversation going on so mostly she'll probably just listen if its a big group. You might also want to tell her what your friends and family enjoy doing or give her some hints on what to talk to them about. Just don't embarass her or make fun of her for being shy. this will only upset her and she probably won't put any effort into talking to your family and friends.