My Question

[Meaplus3]

Ok. You have an E/A with a neighbor, Fall in love in a "Fantasy way". MM nextdoor say's, "Need's to back off beacuse if he doesn't we could go to the next level to affraid,yet he know's we were made for each other. This is was has intised me further. NC is where we are at. He's scared. I am not. How do I make him not afraid of our feeling's?

[whichwayisup]

AP, I thought you weren't going to focus on him anymore???? What happened, did I miss something my dear?

 

Leave him alone, NC is in place.

 

Bottomline - NEITHER of you are going to be leaving your spouses, changing your life, turning the worlds of your kids upside down for eachother...And to be honest, it sounds like if he even CONSIDERS that option, it DOES scare the crap out of him! Which means it in all probablity will not happen.

 

Go back and read your past posts...Remember what it is that you were focussing on before.

[Meaplus3]

AP, I thought you weren't going to focus on him anymore???? What happened, did I miss something my dear?

 

Leave him alone, NC is in place.

 

Bottomline - NEITHER of you are going to be leaving your spouses, changing your life, turning the worlds of your kids upside down for eachother...And to be honest, it sounds like if he even CONSIDERS that option, it DOES scare the crap out of him! Which means it in all probablity will not happen.

 

Go back and read your past posts...Remember what it is that you were focussing on before.

 

Oh Whichway I know you arr probably most right. And here's the but, he did tell me in that blow up convesation, "Let's wait and see what happen's with our feeling's". See that's what make's it hard to say NO.

 

AP

[whichwayisup]

So what? HE has feelings for you...Whippeee. Honestly, what does that mean? What can be changed? Absolutely nothing. He is NOT leaving his wife for you...All this does is make you feel good that he feels for you. Just like you feel for him.

 

Him having feelings for you isn't going to change anything, you know this. All it will do is confuse you more, keep the affair going. And, it won't be long until your husband clues in that you're seeing the neighbour again. Don't you think he's watching? DO you think your husband 100% trusts you right now? Even if he is acting like all is OK, it's not. You know it, he knows it and sadly, the worst is yet to come if you don't end it with the MM neighbour.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Aww, AP don't go there... I "convinced" my MM to do that. (Won't tell you how... ) We lasted about 4 months before his W started to crack and hurl the accusations at him. She had no concrete proof but he admits wholeheartedly that he changed a huge amount at home.

 

And it wasn't enough for me. I wanted him full time. Now I have NC and it hurts. But we can't be friends, can't have any kind of contact or we'll be right back in it. I don't know about your MM but mine couldn't maintain the double life. Having an A was very contrary to his nature and beliefs (mine too, not that it matters). It was tearing him apart and his family which was the last thing he wanted.

 

I know they all say that if he loved you, he'd leave, no matter that there are kids involved. I don't believe it. If it wasn't for his kids, he would have left a long time ago but they are there and what she would do if he did leave would rip out the heart of a very loving and involved father. I couldn't ask him to do that.

 

Maybe you should just focus on you right now? Figure out your life and your M - if you want it or not. You can move forward without MM and maybe he'll do something about his life and find you later...

[whichwayisup]

couldn't maintain the double life.

 

This is it. I think the MM neighbour knows he can't pull it off and he'll get caught. He may have warm and fuzzy feelings for ya, but he isn't going to throw his life away for you. An affair COULD happen, but not for long.

 

Don't think you could pull it off either. How long could you lie to your husband? How long could you look at your kids faces? The MM's wife? THeir kids? Other neighbours...

 

Think AP...

[Romeo Must Die]

AP... It is time for you to wise up. You're obsessing over something that isn't there (and never will be there) because it never happened. It was an emotional affair and it never should have gone there in the first place. It's wrong and you are just going to make more trouble for yourself than you can handle. Persue this crazy dream of yours and he will reject you again and again. Is that what you want?

 

I'm starting to see you have some much deeper problems than I once thought. It's a foolish game in your head to escape your husband (I can relate to that) but this is insane. I mean, a fantasy is one thing, but he made you no promises and even if he begged you to wait for him, it would still be making something out of absolutely nothing. He is married and he is at home and he chooses this life over you. Can't you see that? I think you should make an appointment to see a counsellor first thing in the morning because we can't keep doing this over and over again with you, girl. You need help.

 

[frannie]

Ok. You have an E/A with a neighbor, Fall in love in a "Fantasy way". MM nextdoor say's, "Need's to back off beacuse if he doesn't we could go to the next level to affraid,yet he know's we were made for each other. This is was has intised me further. NC is where we are at. He's scared. I am not. How do I make him not afraid of our feeling's?

 

You can't make him not afraid. You can't push people to feel or not feel things, and if you try it will most likely backfire imho.

 

Didn't he say something horrible to you about wearing a teddy, or was that another OW with a next-door MM..?

 

I think this is part of the difficulty of letting go that you're having... it happens that we clutch onto possibilities and words that were said and so on... trying to find a way, any way, in which you don't have to face the pain. But at the end of it all you still have to face the pain.

 

If you want to, why not just take his words for what they are... see how your feelings go. Things change, marriages end... try to have patience. And in the meantime, don't forget you can work on your own marriage..? Or is that dead and needs to be finished..?

 

I feel that you're acting (and thinking) through pain and the desire to avoid more of it... and that's not a good way to clear thought.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What is it about him that makes you want him so badly?

[Meaplus3]

AP... It is time for you to wise up. You're obsessing over something that isn't there (and never will be there) because it never happened. It was an emotional affair and it never should have gone there in the first place. It's wrong and you are just going to make more trouble for yourself than you can handle. Persue this crazy dream of yours and he will reject you again and again. Is that what you want?

 

I'm starting to see you have some much deeper problems than I once thought. It's a foolish game in your head to escape your husband (I can relate to that) but this is insane. I mean, a fantasy is one thing, but he made you no promises and even if he begged you to wait for him, it would still be making something out of absolutely nothing. He is married and he is at home and he chooses this life over you. Can't you see that? I think you should make an appointment to see a counsellor first thing in the morning because we can't keep doing this over and over again with you, girl. You need help.

 

 

Romeo, I really do not appreciate the fact that you are trying to tell me that I am crazy. I came to these boards for advice and to vent. This is very upsetting and confusing to me. I never thought I would feel this way. I am seeing a therapist and will continue to do so, to help me move in the right direction. I guess I won't be posting here anymore, thank's ROMEO!

[frannie]

Romeo, I really do not appreciate the fact that you are trying to tell me that I am crazy. I came to these boards for advice and to vent. This is very upsetting and confusing to me. I never thought I would feel this way. I am seeing a therapist and will continue to do so, to help me move in the right direction. I guess I won't be posting here anymore, thank's ROMEO!

 

There's always the option to block. Don't go away and stop thrashing it out if that's what you need/want to do.

[Romeo Must Die]

You dont have to leave. We love you. A friend will talk to you, but a really good friend will kick you in the ass when you need it. I expect the same from you when I have my bad times. Face it would you rather hear it from me or xMM? You need the right help, girl. You just have a sucky therapist, worthless as the paper his/her degree is printed on. It happens. You need somone who has been through it to get it.

 

[Meaplus3]

You dont have to leave. We love you. A friend will talk to you, but a really good friend will kick you in the ass when you need it. I expect the same from you when I have my bad times. Face it would you rather hear it from me or xMM? You need the right help, girl. You just have a sucky therapist, worthless as the paper his/her degree is printed on. It happens. You need somone who has been through it to get it.

 

 

Romeo, I don't mind a kick in the butt Romeo, but calling someone crazy, that's just plain MEAN! I have read a ton of post's here at LS that have sounded pretty crazy to me, but I am not about to tell the person posting the thread that they are CRAZY!

[redlynne]

Ok. You have an E/A with a neighbor, Fall in love in a "Fantasy way". MM nextdoor say's, "Need's to back off beacuse if he doesn't we could go to the next level to affraid,yet he know's we were made for each other. This is was has intised me further. NC is where we are at. He's scared. I am not. How do I make him not afraid of our feeling's?

 

i would listen to him & not try to make him "unafraid" .

maybe he doesnt want to totally cheat on his wife .

maybe its just a line to get you to back off.

and you never S*** where you eat .

[sadbuttrue]

ap, it sounds like he is not willing to take this EA any further. dont try to push him into something he does not think he can do, even if there are feelings there. some people have feelings for others, but dont intend to act on them. i would leave him alone if i were you.

[Romeo Must Die]

I am not trying to be mean at ALL to you. I will not shelter any OW or BW for her own good. I have news for you AP, you are crazy. You have troubles. It's isnt your fault though because affairs do that to ALL OF US and if it werent for my two best friends, I would have gone mad out-of-my-mind crazy and OW might have gotten the business end of my samuri sword for just trying to take my babies and my man from me. I'd have chopped her up into little itty bitty pieces and fed her to my kitty if my two best friends didnt help me when I finally lost it.

 

You want love, but xMM is not love. It's wishful hoping. It's hopeful wanting. It's a fantasy he fed you with a wittle baby spoon because he is a fu*cked up individual. He will call you when it's convinient. He'll think of you when he is waxing his carrot. Whenever he wants to fu*ck or has a fight with his wife and I'm telling you that you don't need to be treated like that. Stop making it what it's not. This isn't long term love, girl. This is long term heartbreak. You just too close to it to see it because no man ever worth his sh*it would ever let you go, AP.

 

You got disconnected from your husband (and life) somewhere and you need help from somebody who is experienced and qualified to give you advice and medication you need to deal with problems wether they are mental or physical or both. You have OCD and I dont know how to handle that and maybe neither does this crackpot therapist you are seeing to retrain your brain.

 

Also you dont need to have an affair to feel good about yourself. What you will do to your husband (I know you love him somewhere) and your kids isn't worth it. He isnt worth it. There is nothing worse than breaking up a family, especially your own. There are better ways to manage this than playing games and running head first into an affair. Thats just common sense.

 

PS - Good fences make good neighbors.

 

[umbo]

"news for you AP, you are crazy. You have troubles. "

 

Wow Romeo is sooooo right!!!!!! and has conjectured your predicament clearly,fairly and accurately.

[Meaplus3]

I am not trying to be mean at ALL to you. I will not shelter any OW or BW for her own good. I have news for you AP, you are crazy. You have troubles. It's isnt your fault though because affairs do that to ALL OF US and if it werent for my two best friends, I would have gone mad out-of-my-mind crazy and OW might have gotten the business end of my samuri sword for just trying to take my babies and my man from me. I'd have chopped her up into little itty bitty pieces and fed her to my kitty if my two best friends didnt help me when I finally lost it.

 

You want love, but xMM is not love. It's wishful hoping. It's hopeful wanting. It's a fantasy he fed you with a wittle baby spoon because he is a fu*cked up individual. He will call you when it's convinient. He'll think of you when he is waxing his carrot. Whenever he wants to fu*ck or has a fight with his wife and I'm telling you that you don't need to be treated like that. Stop making it what it's not. This isn't long term love, girl. This is long term heartbreak. You just too close to it to see it because no man ever worth his sh*it would ever let you go, AP.

 

You got disconnected from your husband (and life) somewhere and you need help from somebody who is experienced and qualified to give you advice and medication you need to deal with problems wether they are mental or physical or both. You have OCD and I dont know how to handle that and maybe neither does this crackpot therapist you are seeing to retrain your brain.

 

Also you dont need to have an affair to feel good about yourself. What you will do to your husband (I know you love him somewhere) and your kids isn't worth it. He isnt worth it. There is nothing worse than breaking up a family, especially your own. There are better ways to manage this than playing games and running head first into an affair. Thats just common sense.

 

PS - Good fences make good neighbors.

 

 

Ya know what Romeo it boils down to this! I think the reason I am having a very hard time with this right now is because it was 1 year ago this week that we shared our mutual feeling's. The friggen biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. The thing that bother's me the most here is that he get's to go on with his life ( I have to see it cause it's right under my nose) and act like he did nothing! He freaking messed with with me BAD! My H know's, his wife does NOT know a damm thing even if he say's she does, that's a CROCK! She call's my house all the time to get her kid's home cause they are alway's over. How am I supose to forget about this man if his family is thrown in my face daily. I don't want to hurt my kid's but I think that they should have NC with their children, perhap's then mm's wife will have to face the reality of that fact that her husband engages in E/A's with other woman and seems to get away with it. And your all right I guess I am crazy, cause one day he' seems so great and the next day he's a snake and not worthy of anyones time. I think you might be right about my therapsit Romeo, I think I need to find a better one. This therapist seems to talk about himself to much and has not really given me an concreate building blocks to work thru this mess and the mess in my marriage. I am going to look for someone new today.

[JamesM]

AP, you are NOT crazy. And yes, I will repeat that as often as you need. I do believe that you are emotionally confused and mixed up. Huge difference. Under your circumstances this can be expected. You have a stressful situation and many questions as to how to handle it. Should you stay or should you go? This is why one day he is a snake and the next he is perfect.

 

As you know, I have mixed feelings about the MM's attachment to you. Yes, he has strong feelings for you, but they are not strong enough that he would leave his family. He likes the excitement he gets when with you, but he isn't ready to make any move towards commitment.

 

My advice that I would give you is to "get yourself fixed"...no, not like that , and then deal with your feelings for him. It is definitely hard living next door to him, but then you seem not really sure that the man who is your husband treats you well enough that you want to stay married to him. If you can deal with your marriage and its effects on you, then I am guessing that the rest will fall into place.

 

Based on experience, if your therapist is not "the best thing that ever happened" to you, then it is time to find one that is. My wife had two therapists over a period of time. The first one was okay, but she had many concerns about the direction this therapist was going. Her second therapist...she never could say anything bad about him...nor could I. When I went to counseling fifteen years ago, the therapist I had was exactly what I needed at the time. This is what you want.

 

What you need are answers, but fortunately/unfortunately, only you can find them.

[Meaplus3]

AP, you are NOT crazy. And yes, I will repeat that as often as you need. I do believe that you are emotionally confused and mixed up. Huge difference. Under your circumstances this can be expected. You have a stressful situation and many questions as to how to handle it. Should you stay or should you go? This is why one day he is a snake and the next he is perfect.

 

As you know, I have mixed feelings about the MM's attachment to you. Yes, he has strong feelings for you, but they are not strong enough that he would leave his family. He likes the excitement he gets when with you, but he isn't ready to make any move towards commitment.

 

My advice that I would give you is to "get yourself fixed"...no, not like that , and then deal with your feelings for him. It is definitely hard living next door to him, but then you seem not really sure that the man who is your husband treats you well enough that you want to stay married to him. If you can deal with your marriage and its effects on you, then I am guessing that the rest will fall into place.

 

Based on experience, if your therapist is not "the best thing that ever happened" to you, then it is time to find one that is. My wife had two therapists over a period of time. The first one was okay, but she had many concerns about the direction this therapist was going. Her second therapist...she never could say anything bad about him...nor could I. When I went to counseling fifteen years ago, the therapist I had was exactly what I needed at the time. This is what you want.

 

What you need are answers, but fortunately/unfortunately, only you can find them.

 

James, I agree with you about emotional confusion part. I think my circumstances would call for that. I am glad that Romeo brought about the point about my therapist. I think that's one of the main problems here. I can talk with the guy, but he's not giving me any solution's to deal with all of the issues I need to. I need a threapist to be a bit more harsh and give me examples of how to change my thinking habit's. I know it can be done, just need to know how to get their and stay there. One thing I will say here is that I am having many more day's of thinking that MM is a snake and that's a good thing.

[Yesitsme]

Ok. You have an E/A with a neighbor, Fall in love in a "Fantasy way". MM nextdoor say's, "Need's to back off beacuse if he doesn't we could go to the next level to affraid,yet he know's we were made for each other. This is was has intised me further. NC is where we are at. He's scared. I am not. How do I make him not afraid of our feeling's?

 

Hey AP, you are not scared? Well, lets try this...

 

Hello everyone, this is the husband (or H as you like to call me). I have been reading all these posts since I was told about the "E/A" and thought she was making progress - then I see this post and I am about to go from being "very understanding" to a much diferrent place.

 

No, I am not perfect, but I am a good provider and love my family. Apparently, having a big house, new cars, kids in the best preschools, a closet full of clothes, all without having to work at a JOB has left AP with way too much free time. She just does not seem to "get it". This woman never went to college (and don't start on me like I am rubbing that in her face - I married her, didn't I?) - BUT, it's pretty tough to raise three kids when you cannot make more than 20k per year.

 

So now miss AP gets bored, and I am ***ing pissed off. I work very hard, treat the kids like gold, and yes, our marriage is getting shortchanged - but c'mon, we been married 13 years, it's not like we are on Honeymoon every day. WHO IS??? Who can "do it all" when you have three kids under the age of seven and you are the SOLE PROVIDER for all financial concerns? Maybe I should work less and devote more time to AP, but then she bitches because we cant go to Disney, or buy this thing, or do that thing.

 

AP needs a dose of reality, and I do not subscribe to a separation so she can sow those oats and then come crawling back to a safe place. Not gonna happen. AP, you made your choice. Either have the guts to see it through, fix it, or get the hell out.

 

Are you scared now?

 

And oh yeah, it's certainly nice to have all these email threads saved for my attorney to review should I need proof of .

[whichwayisup]

Yesitsme, AP's husband, go talk to your wife about this in private. I am sorry for your pain, and hers too, and I hope together you both can work through the problems and fix your marriage.

[frannie]

Yesitsme, AP's husband, go talk to your wife about this in private. I am sorry for your pain, and hers too, and I hope together you both can work through the problems and fix your marriage.

 

Do people really communicate this way..?

 

I imagined it was some kind of wind-up.

[Yesitsme]

Yesitsme, AP's husband, go talk to your wife about this in private. I am sorry for your pain, and hers too, and I hope together you both can work through the problems and fix your marriage.

 

When she get's home, and sees this, it will be a very interesting day. I can tell you, something will change, and soon.

 

Options:

1) Joint therapy, same shrink, at least for now.

2) Sell the house and move. But what will that REALLY solve?

3) Confront the "MM" and have a nice neighborly blow up, ensure NC forever. This would be the most fun for me and is the way I am leaning.

4) Divorce. Would ruin many lives.

[Art_Critic]

And oh yeah, it's certainly nice to have all these email threads saved for my attorney to review should I need proof of .

 

It has always been my experience on LS that after the other side starts posting on a thread something invariably always happens and the thread gets deleted.. so you might want to be printing these out or saving out the html.. as this thread may not be here long..

 

and please deal with this in private at this point..