When to throw in the towel....

[SANDYEGGO]

Hi, new here.

 

I am experiencing quite a dilemma in my life right now. I have been married for almost 10 yrs (in 3 months) and we are both in our second marriages. We have 2 kids (DD from my previous marriage and DS that we had together). I don't really have any feelings anymore for my husband. It didn't happen overnight. Just over the past 10 yrs, his behavior has become difficult and I no longer feel as though I can talk to him.

 

Among the things that occur on a regular basis in our marriage...

 

1. He has told personal things about my life that I shared with him to others when we have been fighting. Obviously, he did it to hurt me but now they can't be taken back. His "apology" was I didn't tell him not to tell anyone.

 

2. When I married him, I was very involved in my own life...friends, activities, etc. He now doesn't want me involved with anyone unless he is there. Even going to lunch with my oldest friend or my mom can cause a fight if he isn't invited. Just the same, with my interests, I have been told, they are too expensive, or some other lame excuse. Now, we are both professionals and we make a pretty nice income and his interests have no ceiling for what he will spend.

 

3. Sex is pretty meaningless. It is a one sided thing where I please him and he never touches me or attempts to please me. Then he puts me down for satisfying myself. He also puts me down for not ever being "in the mood" but why be in the mood if I'm not going to get anything out of it except feeling like a whore?

 

4. I feel the only reason he allows me to work is that I make close to what he makes and that doubles the income in the house, allowing him to pursue his interests.

 

5. Since early in our marriage, he stopped buying gifts for me. I end up splurging on something after whatever holiday (anniversary, birthday, Xmas) but I wish I meant more to him and that he would think of me enough to buy me something.

 

6. He doesn't really listen to me. He doesn't know my hopes and dreams are. He claims that I didn't tell him something when I said it in front of the kids and they tell him that I did in fact tell him.

 

7. A couple of months ago, I decided that I would be in charge of what is missing in my life. I decided to take up my old interests that he wasn't interested in doing and found a couple more that I might be interested in starting up. Now that he sees me being more independent, he now appears to be taking an interest, not sure if with good intentions or just to continue to keep an eye on me. But, I don't want to share these interests with him. I want to enjoy them on my own.

 

Now, I'm sure that you see this as an easy decision. Let me throw in the monkey wrench. We are Christians and the pastor told me that if there is no infidelity, that I cannot ever get involved in another relationship without commiting adultery. Now, I know I have been faithful and as far as I know, he has been as well. So, although I am not looking for a new relationship, I think that I would eventually like to grow old with someone who really loves me and cherishes me. I think my husband wants to keep me around because he can't continue his expensive interests without that added income.

 

Anyone else out there in a similar circumstance? Financially, I can afford to live on my own so I'm not worried about that.

 

Sorry for being so long!

[Zaira]

It sounds like your husband is very controlling. I'd continue doing the things you enjoy doing on your own and see if anything more develops.

 

It does sound to me though that you are ready to move on. I'm not religious so it's really easy for me to say - just do it. As far as I am concerned once you separate you are free to date whoever you want, but even if it means you have to wait until a divorce comes through so you don't commit 'adultery'.

 

Your pastor should have also told you that your happiness is paramount.

[SANDYEGGO]

It's not that the pastor said that I couldn't move forward until a divorce is finalized. He said I would have to live my life alone. This is because the bible only says a divorced person may move on and get married again only if the ex-spouse had been unfaithful. Since that hasn't happened, neither one of us would be able to remarry or be sexual with another without "commiting adultery" even if we are legally divorced.

[Zaira]

It's not that the pastor said that I couldn't move forward until a divorce is finalized. He said I would have to live my life alone. This is because the bible only says a divorced person may move on and get married again only if the ex-spouse had been unfaithful. Since that hasn't happened, neither one of us would be able to remarry or be sexual with another without "commiting adultery" even if we are legally divorced.

WOW. I guess that's why I'm not religious. I don't like these assumed 'rules' on my life.

 

You have a right to be happy, and to be with someone.

 

It's easy for me to say ignore what your pastor has said, but maybe I don't understand.

 

I think at the end of the day though you HAVE to do what makes you happy.

[FlyingHigh]

Not religious either. Brought up Catholic. But I'm spiritual connected. We all have that in some form or another regardless what denomition it is, unless you are a firm believer of no such God. But, hey to all each own. Just, as long as we treat each other as humanely as possible....the world flows....

 

When to throw in the towel? Before you toss out the marriage towel consider the following:

• Marriage is like having a car.

If you don't maintain it, it won't run smooth. If you don't take care of it, it won't take care of you. It begs the question, are you going to treat your marriage like a 10 year lease that whenever you get tired of it, you'll trade it in for a newer model?

 

So if you want your marriage to last another 10 years, you and your husband need to overhaul it! Which leads to the next point.

• Marriage requires work.

Figure out which part of your marriage needs overhauling. Don't just complain about it. Take your car to an expert mechanic. In other words, get some counseling. Figure out what nuts and bolts need to be replaced, rebuilt and polished.

 

If you don't develop the skills on how to overhaul your marriage, you'll likely to trade your next marriage after 10 years.

 

And once you've done all the overhauling you can muster, look at your husband and answer this:

 

DIVORCE ONLY IF YOU CAN LOOK AT THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT ANY REGRETS.

 

If you have just a tiny ounce of regrets, you're not quite ready to throw in the towel and make an appointment with a marriage mechanic.

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

First off with the "pastor" I'd be finding myself a new denomination. I understand that you're a Christian ~ but there are 2600 known, accepted, and defined denominations of Christianity. I'm not saying to necessarly go out and fine one that fits your lifestyle ~ but I am saying go out and find one that fits your life.

 

That's like the joker that was the head of the evangelical movement that was gay-bashing every Sunday, and it turns out he was hiring out a male prostitute?

 

The bottom line here is if the DH is more a part of the problem than he is part of the solution, if he's more a part of the questions than he is the answers ~ then he needs to get set straght. A marraige liscesne isn't a bill of sale! You're a grown damn woman and can come and go as you damn well please! I know! I did twenty years in the United States Marine Corps to enssure you that right.

 

This pastor business really pisses me off. I had a friend from high school whose deeply into the Church, whose minister spouted the same damn thing! Trouble is the dirtbag attempted to molest his step-daughter! Her Pastor told her that wasn't grounds for divorce? WTF! I wanted to go down and walk tall on both of them with a Hickory ax handle! The only reason I didn't was Kathy begged and pleaded with me not to! (She's like a lifelong sister to me!)

 

Pastors and Priests don't have the best of track records when it comes to keeping the zipper zipped up, you know. And, I'm not buying off on that Jimmy Swaggart, "Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned!" God may forgive you, but I sure as Hell won't!

 

It use to be that lawyers, police officers, preists, pastors, and doctors we looked up to ~ now days they're the very ones that we have to watch out for. Granted greater than 90% are on the up and up ~ but it just takes that less than ten percent to make you go ~ "Hummmmmm?

 

Being a single guy ~ you sound like just the kind of gal I might be interested in. (Not that I'm hitting on you ~ that's not what LS is about)

 

Me? I could care less where you went, in so long as I didn't always have to go with you!

[Guest]

Hi, new here.

 

I am experiencing quite a dilemma in my life right now. I have been married for almost 10 yrs (in 3 months) and we are both in our second marriages. We have 2 kids (DD from my previous marriage and DS that we had together). I don't really have any feelings anymore for my husband. It didn't happen overnight. Just over the past 10 yrs, his behavior has become difficult and I no longer feel as though I can talk to him.

 

Among the things that occur on a regular basis in our marriage...

 

1. He has told personal things about my life that I shared with him to others when we have been fighting. Obviously, he did it to hurt me but now they can't be taken back. His "apology" was I didn't tell him not to tell anyone.

 

2. When I married him, I was very involved in my own life...friends, activities, etc. He now doesn't want me involved with anyone unless he is there. Even going to lunch with my oldest friend or my mom can cause a fight if he isn't invited. Just the same, with my interests, I have been told, they are too expensive, or some other lame excuse. Now, we are both professionals and we make a pretty nice income and his interests have no ceiling for what he will spend.

 

3. Sex is pretty meaningless. It is a one sided thing where I please him and he never touches me or attempts to please me. Then he puts me down for satisfying myself. He also puts me down for not ever being "in the mood" but why be in the mood if I'm not going to get anything out of it except feeling like a whore?

 

4. I feel the only reason he allows me to work is that I make close to what he makes and that doubles the income in the house, allowing him to pursue his interests.

 

5. Since early in our marriage, he stopped buying gifts for me. I end up splurging on something after whatever holiday (anniversary, birthday, Xmas) but I wish I meant more to him and that he would think of me enough to buy me something.

 

6. He doesn't really listen to me. He doesn't know my hopes and dreams are. He claims that I didn't tell him something when I said it in front of the kids and they tell him that I did in fact tell him.

 

7. A couple of months ago, I decided that I would be in charge of what is missing in my life. I decided to take up my old interests that he wasn't interested in doing and found a couple more that I might be interested in starting up. Now that he sees me being more independent, he now appears to be taking an interest, not sure if with good intentions or just to continue to keep an eye on me. But, I don't want to share these interests with him. I want to enjoy them on my own.

 

Now, I'm sure that you see this as an easy decision. Let me throw in the monkey wrench. We are Christians and the pastor told me that if there is no infidelity, that I cannot ever get involved in another relationship without commiting adultery. Now, I know I have been faithful and as far as I know, he has been as well. So, although I am not looking for a new relationship, I think that I would eventually like to grow old with someone who really loves me and cherishes me. I think my husband wants to keep me around because he can't continue his expensive interests without that added income.

 

Anyone else out there in a similar circumstance? Financially, I can afford to live on my own so I'm not worried about that.

 

Sorry for being so long!

 

look.........I am a christian and I am going through the same thing you are but I have been married for 18yrs. the hole time I have pushed my marriage and I always gave in and my husband never gave an inch!!!!! he to is just like your husband.

 

it gets worse and it is more than a front that he is giving to make you say well he is trying and I will give him another chance. then you get comfortable in the relationship again and you seem to think after he goes right back to the same old person, that well he will try shhhhhhhh.. not likely.

 

as far as the preacher goes. you need to read mathew all of mathew!!!! it has alot of marriage in it. it does say that all things are forgivable but GOD is talking in a godly manner!!!! NEVER, NEVER take the advice as a gold ticket from anyone and that includes mine.

 

your worries are probly just as mine. when you took your oath before GOD it was for better or for worse. well here it is. have you tried everything??? try this. 1. take a piece of paper in 20 mins write what you love about your husband! only 20 mins, then 2. take a piece paper and write what you dislike about him.

 

3.another piece and white why you fell in love with him.

4.go online and look for a questionaire that will ask questions for you and your husband. you can find it on DR.Pil I think. it ask like what is his favorite food, color, hobbie etc and you both do it and I promise you will be suprised I did it and I got all of his and he failed totaly.

 

5. another write why you fell out of love with him and then write him or talk to him and tell him what you are feeling just as you wrote here and see if he is willing to try to work on it and that you are thinking of divorce.

 

if you are both christians, in which I am not juding at all and I by no means am I questioning your faith but in the bible it says wifes love your husbands. it says we were placed here as help mates(wait not done). for all the women that have that women lid thing it is not a dishonor it is actually a good thing. you see when God created the heavens and the earth he saw that he needed someone to work the land and to tend to it. then when he created adam he saw that adam was imcomplete!! so he made him a help mate. God never left anything out and made the world perfect.

 

you can not have a half of a body when it takes to parts to make it hole. God also said for the men to love your wife as he loved the church!!!! this means you make her your first and foremost in every thing you do or say. if he is not making you happy he is not full filling his duty as a husband. Really I know where you are comming from and it is so much turmol but God never made us to have any dought,fear, anger, etc. and would not except nothing more than you to be happy.

 

HE LOVED YOU SO MUCH HE DIED FOR YOU!!

 

Does you husband love you this much???? Really, a minister is a wonderful source to go. but when they tell you there opinons then you must rely on the power of your self worth and for you to dig into the bible yourself. you can go to bible.org and it says key words so you can put in marriage and every bible verse will show up and then some. Ministers are here to teach the word stright from the bible not from there opinons.

 

it like a church I went to once and the minister says that men should where slacks and suits and women should only where dress. that is his opion and not from the bible!!!!!!! it does say women should be able to be seen as a woman but it is not my atiar that is going to get me to heaven!!!!! so in all what I am saying is you will not be damed for a divorce. I truly belive in when you say I do it should be forever but sometimes you need self worth and love and God said he wanted you to be loved and cherished!!!!!

[mum2three]

Seems so simple yet quite true but i need a very good mechanic to help!

 

[Mz. Pixie]

This pastor business really pisses me off. I had a friend from high school whose deeply into the Church, whose minister spouted the same damn thing! Trouble is the dirtbag attempted to molest his step-daughter! Her Pastor told her that wasn't grounds for divorce? WTF! I wanted to go down and walk tall on both of them with a Hickory ax handle! The only reason I didn't was Kathy begged and pleaded with me not to! (She's like a lifelong sister to me!)

 

 

 

I lived an unhappy marriage such as yours. My ex wasn't controlling he just wasn't interested in meeting any of my needs. Same sexual thing going on as in your marriage. I felt like a whore about 80% of the time because sex was never for me it was for him.

 

I had an affair. I'm also a Christian.

 

I personally spent an 8 hour day before I left my exh arguing with my pastor. He ranted and raved and cried and begged me to stay in the marriage. He just didn't understand that I'd spent years and years trying to get my exh to go to counseling and get involved in our marriage. I mean, he did understand that part, and he understood I was DONE but he still disagreed with me about divorce.

 

I lost all of my friends in an instance. I was practically driven out of town. Yet, these were the same people that professed to be such Christians! :sick:

 

So, I completely understand where you're coming from on the whole religion thing.

 

Here's how I feel.

 

The adultery was wrong-- I have asked my Lord to forgive me. It has taken a very long time to feel forgiven and sometimes I still don't.

 

The divorce was wrong in many ways but then again, I also feel like my ex wasn't meeting up with his end of what he vowed to do either- so he does have to answer for not being the husband that God intended him to be.

 

I do not believe that God wants me to be unhappy, even though he frowns on divorce. I do not believe that if you divorce you cannot remarry. There is a whole huge debate about that. There is a divorce website written from a Christian perspective on that. Google Christian divorce and remarriage and it may come up.

 

What I know is this. I made mistakes yes, but God is forgiving- even for things like adultery and yes, even child molestors if they are truly repentant.

 

I may be rambling.........but I truly believe no matter what you do if you're truly repentant for it that you can be forgiven. That's just me. I do not believe that God wants "his daughter" (which is exactly who you are) to cry and be miserable the rest of her life, do you???

 

Find another church, first of all.

 

Second of all, at least try counseling with him to see if he's willling to change or to try to change.

 

Thirdly, don't get involved with anyone of the opposite sex during your divorce.

 

I'm remarried now, to a wonderful man. When I've been sad before or feeling condemned about my divorce he has said to me "But what about me? I'd been praying for so long for God to send me someone and then there you were?"

 

I now know what I was missing out on for so many years!

[Gunny376]

My ex wasn't controlling he just wasn't interested in meeting any of my needs. Same sexual thing going on as in your marriage. I felt like a whore about 80% of the time because sex was never for me it was for him.

 

She's being nice: Translation: Like getting poked with a stick! Get a clue!

[Zaira]

.....I'm remarried now, to a wonderful man. When I've been sad before or feeling condemned about my divorce he has said to me "But what about me? I'd been praying for so long for God to send me someone and then there you were?"

 

I now know what I was missing out on for so many years!

Awwwwwwwggggggh, that is so wonderful. Brought a big smile to my face.

 

I really hope SandyEggo can get something out of your post

[SANDYEGGO]

Well, fast forward 4 months!

 

I did read all of your posts, and thanks to all who did post.

 

We have spent thousands if not 10's of thousands on counseling over the years. But the problem is that I am at fault for everything in our marriage in his eyes. He never takes responsibility for anything that he does. If he did, we would be in a better place. If he listened to my concerns and came back with constructive advice, we also would be in a different place. I'm not saying that I have not done my share of wrong, I certainly have, but I can't admit it to him anymore because it just reinforces the stance that I am at fault for everything.

 

So, since I have spent 10 yrs in this marriage (and 12 in the relationship), it has become clear that I will never get what I deserve in the marriage, which is a partner who loves and cherishes me.

 

Last week, I retained an attorney. Hopefully, he will be served in the next week or so. I know that the poop will hit the fan and he will make all kinds of trouble. I'm pretty anxious, mainly because I have been through a separation with him before and he harrassed me like crazy (calling at all times of day or night, calling over and over at work, etc).

 

But, I can no longer look back at what might be. I don't believe he ever loved me. I can accept that. All I can do is look forward, get therapy, help my kids get thru it and move on.

 

I might be needing some help as time goes on, so if y'all don't mind, I think I might stick around!

 

Thanks everyone!