Doesnt look so good....

[sparkle & fade]

quick simple question in need of response and advice:

 

 

BF of 2 years works as a maintenance technician, and has specific outfits that he is required to wear. In this job, it is normal to get messy and grimy.

 

 

Please tell me if anything I say is a red flag:

 

I am the one that has to wash his clothes, but all of a sudden he chose to send his outfits out with the company to be dry cleaned. He reasons that his clothes look dirty (which is normal and expected by everyone) and that way when it gets dry cleaned, they will see the messy shirts and replace them with new shirts. Why that matters all of a sudden after two years is beyond me.

 

Whenever he is alone with me now, he falls asleep. No, its not because he is tired, its because he is trying to avoid me, and us. If he is not sleeping, he is finding reasons to be out of the house and away from me. Any excuse will do. On the weekends he is practically chomping at the bit to get out of the house, and if all the excuses have been used up, he will simply go to sleep, even if it is at 3 in the afternoon.

 

I can honestly say he has never done this, except for this morning. I looked over and there he was, putting on hair gel! HAIR GEL?? He has NEVER done this, and in his line of work, it is uncalled for. He also started putting on his nice gold watch and ring...He doesnt work in an office, so wtf?? His reason for the hair gel?? .."my hair looks messy".....yes, and most men will simply douse their hair in water.

 

As he was sitting there today, putting his shoes on, he didnt realize that I was studying him. He had this big happy smile on his face, and looked happy..which is rare for the morning....

 

My quick simple question:

 

I know...I am paranoid, right?

[JadeStar]

What does your gut tell you about these sudden changes?

[sparkle & fade]

What does your gut tell you about these sudden changes?

 

Thats just it....I am so torn and confused that I am not sure if I am being paranoid or if these are legitimate concerns to be wary of.

 

Logically my mind says it doesnt look too good, but then his words counteract what I think and then it turns into just what it is right now....confused confused and turning here looking for answers.

[witabix]

Just ask him outright, then you can try to gauge his reaction.

 

It may be totally innocent, maybe he has decided to change his appearance for himself.....

 

or maybe there is something deeper going on. Talk to him calmly and explain your fears/worries.

[sparkle & fade]

Just ask him outright, then you can try to gauge his reaction.

 

It may be totally innocent, maybe he has decided to change his appearance for himself.....

 

or maybe there is something deeper going on. Talk to him calmly and explain your fears/worries.

 

Obviously, I have done that already, and yet I am still here asking for advice, so what does that tell you?

 

Of course he is not going to outright tell me he is primping and preening for someone at his work, if that were the case. Of course if there is something going on that I need to worry or know about he is not going to be up front and tell me.

 

Thats just how those things work. They deny and hide until you actually catch them in the act and even then they will most likely say that it was their long lost twin or that he was giving CPR or that he was consoling her, or whatever the latest and gratest excuse is these days.

 

And yes, I am sure someone will ask, so just for the record, he has given me reasons not to trust him although I have never seen him in the act of doing something wrong, I will find out later such as, he wasnt where he was supposed to be, phone calls to other women, the list goes on and on.

 

Somehow, I always manage to find out after the fact, so I cant do nothing about it.

[witabix]

Well that sounds like a well founded suspicion then......

 

You have to decide between waiting to get actual proof or acting on your suspicions now.

 

I never waited for the axe to fall when my suspicions were aroused to such an extent, I walked. Still haven't regretted doing that ever. You eventually see/hear enough later on to confirm your suspicions. Just my two cents....

[PandorasBox]

Somehow, I always manage to find out after the fact, so I cant do nothing about it.

 

Theres always time to something about it. Even if you can't get straight answers, the fact you don't realy trust him or have had reasons not to trust him says that maybe you know what you need to do.

 

Taking his work clothes to the dry cleaners is one thing, but add that to falling asleep the hair gel, ring and watch wearing when he doesn't need all that in his line of work is very odd. If you feel you are not getting or wont get a straight answer from him, maybe show up at his work one day and see if you can tell what might be going on.

[Walk]

Tell him you want to meet him for lunch a couple times this week. (have you ever done that before?) If he utterly refuses when he never used to... then it'd be a big red flag for me.

 

I'd be worried. But I'd be in the same boat you're in.. confused, worried, and not having a clue what's really going on.

 

I would be more concerned about his need to get away from me.

 

Talk to your bf. He's not happy in your relationship. Either you find a way to get all this out in the open so both of you can resolve it... or it'll continue to decay. He might honestly not have anyone else on the horizon...but if he's not happy in the relationship, then eventually he will leave. Basically all you know right now is that he's not happy there, and he's not talking to you. You can either leave now, or throw all your effort into re-opening the lines of communication, and resolving whatever it is that's making him pull away. If he refuses to help at all after repeated attempts, then there isn't much else you can do. But at least you can leave the relationship knowing you did everything you could.

 

You have a problem. First step is talking to him. Put all your effort into opening up those lines of communication. Start there.

[Walk]

Obviously, I have done that already, and yet I am still here asking for advice, so what does that tell you?

 

I was going to ask you how you approached it, but it's kind of moot.

 

he has given me reasons not to trust him

 

Then why are you still with him? I would believe he's cheating on you. What will you do about it? Will you leave him? Or will you stick around until you have undeniable proof so you can feel justified in leaving him? Is your relationship how you want it to be? I sure as hell wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where my partner was actively avoiding me all the time.

 

Somehow, I always manage to find out after the fact, so I cant do nothing about it.

 

Why not?

[sparkle & fade]

Tell him you want to meet him for lunch a couple times this week. (have you ever done that before?) If he utterly refuses when he never used to... then it'd be a big red flag for me.

 

Thats impossible because we work so far apart. By the time we meet up, we would have to drive back to work already. Added that we would probably be late.

 

You have a problem. First step is talking to him. Put all your effort into opening up those lines of communication. Start there.

 

I have been working on that for some time now, and he never wants to talk. Has an excuse for avoiding even the simplest conversation

 

Then why are you still with him?

Obviously because I am still in love with him. Sometimes the heart tricks you into putting up with some pretty horrible circumstances.

 

Or will you stick around until you have undeniable proof so you can feel justified in leaving him?

 

Probably.....do you have any pointers to get to that point faster so I dont have to suffer?

[Walk]

Probably.....do you have any pointers to get to that point faster so I dont have to suffer?

 

You're cute... but no, I don't really have any pointers for that.

 

Only thing I can suggest is that maybe you need to withdraw from the relationship. Go out with your friends, hang out with your family more. Be less available to him. Find things that will make you happy for a while, and do those. Focus on your happiness, your needs, and your life. This situation could make you crazy if you let it. Start building up your individual life and support network. Show him you don't need him, that you can have a happy life without him, but that you have choosen to be a part of his life. He either realizes he's going to lose you by not communicating and not trying to be a part of your life... or he won't care. Either way, you'll be in a better position to get what you want and need out of life. You're happiness is paramount. Don't let your bf dictate whether you will or won't be happy. Make it happen. And he's either with you striving for the same thing, or he's going to have to leave so you can find it.

 

I know that's easier said than done... but having a plan of action and working toward filling what you need in life would help you cope with the distrust and lack of communication from your bf. It also gives you a healthier mindset, and stronger belief in yourself so that you can back up your demand for what you need from a partner.