Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 My boyfriend just told me last week that money is so tight right now and he can't afford to propose for at least another 2 months. Then 2 days later he buys the Playstation3 which cost about $700. I was so hurt and the only thing that is keeping me from getting really upset is the thought that maybe he's just trying to throw me off. He knows, that I want a very romantic proposal. I've told him so many times that I don't want him to spend a lot on the ring, that I just want to have that moment when we get engaged and know that we have finally met that special person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. So, I thought maybe he is trying to throw me off. But of course the other part of me is scared that he is having second thoughts and using money as an excuse. But I just can't believe that 100%, since he's always telling me how much he loves me, and it's us forever. He's always telling me we are going to get married. He even told me after the new year, that this was our year for everything. So I am so confused and hurt and I would appreciate any help on how I should feel. Link to post Share on other sites
adnCat Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Is this the first time he's done something like this? Is there any reason for you to believe that he's having second thoughts? Has engagement been a lingering issue lately? If not, I say sit tight for two months, and see what happens. Don't get upset about it... yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Is this the first time he's done something like this? Is there any reason for you to believe that he's having second thoughts? Has engagement been a lingering issue lately? If not, I say sit tight for two months, and see what happens. Don't get upset about it... yet. This is the first time he's done something like this and I don't have any reason to think he's having second thoughts. I know he loves me and he's always talking about our future. I know he wants to get married to me, he not affraid to talk about it, but I guess I'm just scared. I finally met the man I want to marry and I don't want anything bad to happen. So when he that big purchase I just felt what if, what if he's having doubts. But then I keep thinking maybe he could just be trying to throw me off, because he wants me to be totally surprised. My friend knew she was getting engaged and I told him about it, he was so upset that she knew. HE told me that he wants me to be totally surprised and he would NEVER tell me when it would happen or give me any clue. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 There isn't anything to do except wait. It could be that he also got the vibe that you'd be okay waiting for a bit, so he isn't as focused on saving up for the ring as he was before. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 But then I keep thinking maybe he could just be trying to throw me off, because he wants me to be totally surprised. My friend knew she was getting engaged and I told him about it, he was so upset that she knew. HE told me that he wants me to be totally surprised and he would NEVER tell me when it would happen or give me any clue. Do YOU want to be surprised? Do you care if you know ahead of time? If this is bothering you so much, maybe tell him it really doesn't matter to you if it's a surprise, and it's stressing you out more than it's doing any good for him to try to keep it a secret by 'throwing you off' or whatever. Just because you want a romantic proposal, doesn't mean it has to be a surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Do YOU want to be surprised? Do you care if you know ahead of time? If this is bothering you so much, maybe tell him it really doesn't matter to you if it's a surprise, and it's stressing you out more than it's doing any good for him to try to keep it a secret by 'throwing you off' or whatever. Just because you want a romantic proposal, doesn't mean it has to be a surprise. That's definitely true. Actually in my opinon the optimal situation would be discussing everything that comes up in pre-marital counseling before the proposal so you know exactly what you are agreeing to, but that's a topic for a different thread. Also, just because you know it is coming in the next few weeks, doesn't mean you have to know the day. Honestly, if you came home tonight and the house was full of candles and roses, wouldn't you know immediately already? Then how does knowing that a day like that is coming shortly make a big difference? Link to post Share on other sites
adnCat Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 This is the first time he's done something like this and I don't have any reason to think he's having second thoughts. I know he loves me and he's always talking about our future. I know he wants to get married to me, he not affraid to talk about it, but I guess I'm just scared. I finally met the man I want to marry and I don't want anything bad to happen. So when he that big purchase I just felt what if, what if he's having doubts. But then I keep thinking maybe he could just be trying to throw me off, because he wants me to be totally surprised. My friend knew she was getting engaged and I told him about it, he was so upset that she knew. HE told me that he wants me to be totally surprised and he would NEVER tell me when it would happen or give me any clue. I still think you should wait it out and not say anything. But if you must: I think if you could have a lighthearted conversation about this, it might be okay. Just in passing, say something like "So, is that my engagement playstation? I know it's silly, but I had my heart set on a ring!" Hmm... Maybe not. Maybe those lines would have been better suited immediately following the purchase. Maybe you can just point out the inconsistency- "Hey, I know you said your finances weren't in place for a proposal for another couple months, so are you trying to throw me off by buying the playstation? Or are you having second thoughts? Wait- don't answer that. I think time will tell, and I'm willing to wait!" I think you should say this in a tone that suggests you are certain that he is trying to throw you off; that second thoughts aren't even a possibility. Maybe throw in a wink or two when you ask if he is trying to throw you off. Gauge his reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Is it possible he is a bit emotionally immature and has poor impulse control when it comes to spending/saving? It could be something as simple as that. His thinking would be something like, "Well, I have to save for the down payment for this ring, and it is a long-term investment, like rent or a car. But in the mean time I deserve a little something for myself. I've wanted this playstation for a long time, and I'm not going to change my lifestyle just because I'm getting married soon. This is part of me and who I am, and if she loves me she'll accept that." So he talks himself into the playstation and justifies it by telling himself you are eventually getting married, whether it is in two months or four months. I don't think it means he doesn't want to marry you. I think it means he doesn't know how to deny himself and prioritize. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Is it possible he is a bit emotionally immature and has poor impulse control when it comes to spending/saving? It could be something as simple as that. His thinking would be something like, "Well, I have to save for the down payment for this ring, and it is a long-term investment, like rent or a car. But in the mean time I deserve a little something for myself. I've wanted this playstation for a long time, and I'm not going to change my lifestyle just because I'm getting married soon. This is part of me and who I am, and if she loves me she'll accept that." So he talks himself into the playstation and justifies it by telling himself you are eventually getting married, whether it is in two months or four months. I don't think it means he doesn't want to marry you. I think it means he doesn't know how to deny himself and prioritize. I think you might be right. When he got home last night, he told me he was going to return the playstation 3, he felt he shouldn't have spent that much when he has all these bills right now. So I guess he's just into the latest gadgets. He returned it yesterday. I told him to only return it if that's what he wants. I did feel bad, because it seemed like he wanted it, but sometimes you have to wait, just like I have to wait until he's ready to propose. I was sort of hoping that he was trying to throw me off guard, but it's okay, what matter is that I know he wants to marry me (he's always telling me), it'll just take a little longer. At least I know I am with the man I want to marry, so that wait is over. Thank you everyone for your replies. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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