2 great months and now heart-break

[Soraca]

Okay...here's the short and sweet...

 

I met a great girl and we dated for 2 months, having a great time.

I knew she was about 10 months out of her last relationship.

After we spent New Year's together and had a great time, she let me know that she is still dealing with issues from her ex. The relationship lasted almost 5 years and as I said, it's been over for 10 months.

 

She was honest with me and let me know that she can't put her heart into anything 100% right now and needs some time alone.

 

Normally, I would let it go and move on. But I have to admit I fell for her.

 

So....my dilema is meeting her at the wrong time. Because we have a ton in common, see eye to eye on a lot, in simple...we connect. I KNOW we would have a great chance if she wasn't emotionally damaged.

 

What can I possibly "do" to get her back? I realize she needs time, perhaps a lot of it. But I'm 34 and she's 36 and I refuse to go down without a fight.

 

My thought is to leave her alone for a while...then perhaps send her an email or call in a few months....just saying hello, trying to get a vibe on how she is.

 

I would hate to lose out on a chance with her just because of bad timing.

 

Any suggestions? Comments?

 

Paul

[Anastasia0309]

Yeah, give her a little time. Just so she could sort out the Ex issues. I have to say..... That attitude of "Not going down without a fight" means you must really love her. I wish my Ex had that same attitude. I would say to just send her some kind of message like once every 2 weeks or so....Just to let her know your thinking about her. Women always like to know they are thought of and missed. Just don't put it on to thick. Just a casual " I miss you and thinking about you". Hopefully she comes to her senses. You are a real man! Good luck!!!

[Soraca]

Anastasia0309....that was very nice of you....thank you for the kind words and the encouragement. I may do just what you suggest.

 

I am reminded of the words from the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "If you want to improve and pursue your heart, you have to be content to be thought foolish and stupid".

 

Maybe I not being foolish or stupid but...I'd do anything for another chance with her.

 

Thanks again!

[johnnytable]

This person is not available and it is unfortunate that you fell for her given that situation. I know how that can hurt. However if somebody is not available, due to marriage, emotions, distance, etc. then it is not necessarily wise to pursue that person.

 

There is no telling how long it will take for he to move on, and when she does if she will want to be with you. She might have been with you in an effort to try moving on but that obviously wasn't working since it isn't the solution to begin with. It is really impossible to tell. 10 months out of a 5 year relationship is typically not enough to be 100% healed.

 

I would say that you keep in touch every month or two and see other people.

[Soraca]

Hi johnnytable,

 

You also bring up a good point.

 

This is very difficult for me...the best answer would be if she reached out to me!

Of course that is possible but who knows???

 

I can't sugar-coat anything....you are right...she is not available at the present time. Did she date me in an attempt to move on?....yes.

 

But am I someone she could truly be interested in, given the right circumstances?...I can't say one way or the other for sure, but my gut vibes say yes....based on our large number of commonalities and how I "meet" the criteria she has for men. And our chemistry.

 

As far as I see it, this connection doesn't happen everyday and I feel should give it the time test....if time goes by (e.g., months) and I still feel the same way, I should reach out to her, just to say hi and see....

 

I agree I shouldn't pursue her actively at this time but perhaps passively, if my feelings remain?

 

 

Thanks Johnny.

[SuziwithaQ]

I am going through a breakup right now--we are actually in the "see each other and see other people" scenario. Here is my take. I have been the girl in the situation of your ex-gf. If a man gives me some space, and doesn't pursue too diligently, when I am ready, I will be open to moving on with that person--especially if I have such a great connection such as what you describe. Keep things light--and I would contact about every 2-3 weeks. I currently have someone doing just that (although every few days or so) but we haven't met yet. He does know my situation though and is willing to be a friend during this difficult time for me. He has expressed a romantic interested, but isn't being overly zealous, so I'm not as skittish as I would be if he pursued harder. I wish you the best of luck and will be interested to see what happens!

[johnnytable]

Hi Soraca,

 

I'm sure that you had good chemistry with this person and I'm sure that you had a lot in common with them. However, you also know that they are unavailable. Would you be here if she was in prison? An inmate for the next year? Well, she is effectively in prison. Her mind is in a prison until she can recover and be free. This is nothing against her, she might be a great person, but in a sense it is reality.

 

You must realize that there is an abundance of women out there. Women that you can have good chemistry with and have things in common with. Find one that is available

 

JohnnyTable

[D-Lish]

Hiya Paul,

 

I'll give you a little insight into what she's going through...

 

I was with someone for almost 9 years in total- that including, dating, living together and marriage... then speration and divorce. I got involved with some great guys following my seperation, but I just couldn't fully give my heart to them.

 

It took me a good two years until I was able to get back on my feet and find my heart open to loving someone again. Even then... it was difficult for me to open up.

 

After being with someone for such a long time, there is so much emotional turmoil to sort through. As a woman, I had to find my independance again, I just needed to see who I was and how I fit into the world around me- and I had to do it alone. Perhaps you did come along too soon in the healing process.

 

That doesn't mean that you can't have a future with her, but I suggest you tread lightly. Give her some space, give her some time. Keep in touch with her- but don't go overboard. When you've been with someone for a long time and it falls apart- you learn that falling in love makes you very, very vulnerable.... and that is such a scary place to be.

 

If you and her had a strong connection, I suspect that it reminded her of that she once had a strong connection with her ex too...and look where that ended up. She is probably running a bit scared at the moment.

 

This is why you need to tread lightly. Remind her of your presence in her life, but don't overwhelm her with it. Pull back, but let her know you're there for her. Based on your connection, she'll realize how much she misses you in your absence. She's probably just scared of her feelings at the moment.

 

D

[notmakingsense]

From my experience, in this type of situation, backing off a bit to give her a chance to reach out works better than predictable "light" reminders that you are thinking of her. You will quickly understand just how deep her attraction is for you when she starts thinking that you are really moving on. If she isn't ever the one to reach out to you, then you can be pretty sure that she won't be ready for anything any time soon. If she is attracted to you, but still just healing, she will reach out to you -- maybe not to get serious, but she will try to at least keep contact. Even if you are willing to wait out the timing issue, you still deserve hints that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

And... just to clarify -- I don't think you should use NC as a means of manipulation, I just think you should back off enough to let her give you some signs also.

[D-Lish]

agreed, agreed, agreed with notmakingsense.

 

Time and patience on your part will reveal whether or not she's ready to remain involved.

 

Hang in there.

[Soraca]

Hello everyone,

 

First off, it is nice to know that there are people out there who read these sad posts and actually take a few minutes to give the best advice they can....to a stranger. Thank you all!!

 

I have read through all the posts and with some variations here and there, there seems to also be a same line of thought: give her space and time. This much I have no doubt is true...because she told me that's what she needs right now.

 

My sense from knowing her is that she needs at least several months to work through things...maybe 1/2 a year? But it could be less time or more time. My concern is "doing" all that I can to get her back.

 

I will reach out to her in a few weeks, maybe I'll wait a month. Just saying hello, thinking of you...keeping it light. I agree with "notmakingsense" that it would be nice and important to hear from her as well. But her focus right now is on healing herself...so her not reaching out to me may NOT be a negative sign...just a preoccupied sign on her part.

 

So right now I think I'll give her a few weeks to a month, then if I don't hear from her...I'll call or email her. I'll see how she responds. Then take it from there. Perhaps after a few contacts from me, she MAY start thinking of me and reach out to me. All I know is it is worth a shot.

 

Again...I think of the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "If you want to improve and pursue your heart, you have to be content to be thought foolish and stupid".

 

Thanks you again everyone...

 

-Soraca

[FallenTree]

Good idea...

 

Really, one cannot move on until he/she has let go of past relationships.

 

Just know that when you give this person space, it is for the best. Had you forced something or tried to continue to pursue someone who was still into her ex....she may still not get over him and then YOU end up being hurt in the end.

[johnnytable]

You have to make sure that you don't get stuck waiting for this person who may never arrive. You should really see other people as that is a good way to keep yourself from waiting. If she comes around then great. If she does not come around, that is great too because other people are out there.

[Soraca]

Hello again,

 

Johnny...you are right and after the "numbness" goes away, I will carry on.

After a month or so goes by, if she is still fresh in my mind, I will reach out to her casually and feel out her response. She may never come around, you are right about this possibility. But on the flip side, maybe just maybe, my continued interest over time may get her attention and have her realize I'm something special?

 

The way I see it, I'll regret not trying. At least I won't have any regrets.

 

Indeed, she does need to put all her issues behind her and that may take months still yet. So time is the major ingredient here. For us both.

 

But I always like to hear people's thoughts \ opinions, then mull them all over, and then put it all into perspective.

 

Thanks again!!

 

Soraca

[D-Lish]

Since I've been in the position of a turmoil after a long term break up~ I can tell you that your chances aren't necessarily bad of recovering the relationship.

 

If you just play it cool and don't pressure, she'll recognize your absence. If you guys had any sort of connection to begin with, she can't help but miss you.

 

A little friendly reminder here and there would be a good thing. In order to have impact, I'd space out your contact.

 

I dated someone about a year after breaking up with my ex husband. i really liked him and we had a great connection, but he pressured me, and that scared me off. I broke it off with him and he got really persistent. that drove me further away. Finally, he backed off and I didn't hear from him for a while. Eventually I started up with him again, after realizing what I was missing. Well- eventually we broke up because he cheated... but you get the gist of it...

 

Good luck, hang in there

D

[Soraca]

Hi D-Lish,

 

Thank you for your good advice…I probably value yours more than any other here on this site, mainly because you can relate to her situation.

 

You mentioned that you would space out the contact with her…I’m curious…what would be your advice? Monthly? More? Less? A female friend of mine said basically what you did…that I should contact her every now and then but….not too often.

 

I don’t want to be one of those guys that came along at the wrong time. All of our dates were long and great…I believe this could really work and now, I just want to still “be in the running” when the timing is right.

 

I was looking at your threads a little….did you ever go out to dinner with that ex. of yours? If so, how did it go?

 

-Soraca

[Soraca]

Hi all,

 

Just a quick question:

 

I'm mulling over how long to wait before I send her a short and sweet "hello"?

 

I was toying with a month, maybe a little longer (e.g., 6 weeks). I do want to space out my contact as most of you have suggested. But also, I don't want to wait too long either.

 

Any opinions would be appreciated!

[johnnytable]

I honestly think that you are thinking about this too much. I suggest seeing other people and then when you realize that you haven't thought of this person in awhile and don't really care, then send a note if you feel like it. You won't be attached to the outcome of what happens.

 

Right now it looks like you are setting yourself up to be waiting and then disappointed if you don't get the response you are looking for. Not waiting and not caring if the response is negative would be ideal wouldn't it?

[garnet]

I agree. I was the woman in a similar situation to yours, and honestly, it annoyed me when the guy contacted me too soon after I told him I needed space, and it pushed me farther away. I personally don't want to know that someone is waiting around for me. I know you're just talking about a friendly hello, but the truth is you're hoping for more than that and I think she'll think the same.

 

This is just my opinion and I could be wrong about your situation...but if I were you I'd wait a decent amount of time and see if she contacts you. If she really thinks that what you guys had was special and is still thinking about you, I think that she will do that. If she doesn't and enough time has gone by, then as the above poster said, maybe drop her a line when you're not expecting much in return.

 

I know how hard it is but the best thing you can do for yourself and the situation is to look forward and continue living your life. If it's meant to be she will find her way back to you.

[Soraca]

Thanks everyone...I will take your advice under consideration.

 

Perhaps what you both suggested is the best thing to do right now?

[Soraca]

Hi everyone,

 

To anyone who has posted a comment(s) regarding my situation…

 

Just an FYI…

 

Her entire family is spread throughout Florida…with her parents living in one of the counties the tornados ripped through today.

 

Obviously, this was unplanned but I felt compelled to email her, just to make sure her family was OK.

 

I sent a short and sweet email…she replied with about the same, letting me know her family is OK…but she stressed that she found it really thoughtful of me to ask.

 

I certainly wasn’t expecting her to go any further. It’s only been a month since we last spoke and I didn’t expect her to have her issues resolved this quickly.

 

But she really appreciated me asking and I know that can’t hurt.

[Kamille]

Hi Soraca, I was in your shoes - only scenario reversed : he left me to sort things with his ex.

 

I can really empathize with what you are going through and I was surprised and pleased to see Jhonnytable respond. He gave me advice when I first posted about it that I would occasionnally go and reread.

 

I really had a hard time getting over that man and I would hate for anyone to have to live that kind of breakup the way I did. It was so hard for me to learn to let go of him in great part because I kept hoping he would come back to me.

 

I am only now capable of giving up that hope and it feels so liberating.

 

I don't really know what advice to give you. I understand how you feel. But if you can, if you have the strenght for it - just move on. Know that she will know where to come and find you if ever she so desires.

 

As for you, I would suggest that you only contact her once - or if you ever feel - that you can be just friends with her.

[D-Lish]

Hi S,

 

I agree with Kamille.

If you set up a schedule as to how often you will contact her- you're not focusing on getting over her... you're just biding time in between contact.

 

You have to live every day as if you two are not getting back together. That serves two purposes. Firstly, if a reconciliation isn't going to happen- you'll be healing through NC. Secondly- if you don't have expectations, your heart can't be re-broken.

 

I still love my ex, but I don't want him back.

Sometimes it's important to pay attention to the irrational (emotional) vs the rational side of relationships. You can love someone with all your heart- but still recognize you aren't right for one another, and CHOOSE not to be with them. That's very hard to do- I realize that. But if the person you love isn't reciprocating the way you want them to- you must choose to move forward.

 

You did a nice thing by sending an e-mail enquiring about the safety of her family. The ball's in her court now.

 

I hope you're doing okay,

D

[Soraca]

Hello everyone,

 

Thanks for your comments \ suggestions.

 

I guess it's true that she'll reach out to me if she really wants to.

 

I struggled, still do a little, that someone can let someone go (me) who they really like....just because they still have feelings \ issues from a previous relationship.

 

I mean...if she really liked me (and all indications said she did), why would she throw away her potential future because of her past????

 

I understand her need to be alone and identify herself again, etc...

But I just find it hard to believe she could so easily say good-bye to me.

 

And our last date was our best date...it's not like our dates were gradually fizzling. They were moving in the right direction.

 

It just confuses me?

[Guest]

Less than just a yr ago, and time spent, the r/s never really defined itself other than a stop-over, unless 'nothing' else was the top dog of the weak...

So in essence, I did not apply true belief it could retain the foundation of one on one interest. Yet, while this emotion was set, I was lead to believe otherwise and would feel foolish to think, oh really?

 

So why would the other have an idealistic view after the fact? We all like to upgrade an occasional get together, as having the non committments can jolt the fairer side of each other. Quality time, plus added boundaries allow that come and go scenerio and walk away.

 

However, if time dwindled but minimal contact remained, perhaps a level of maintenance may gear respect to each other. Also regard and define and understand why/where you both caused hardship, heartbreak to break up. Now is possible contact necessary or requirements to withdraw all contact!

 

As all b/u, if time allowed {2} look back and see the potential there could of been {?} be it from one or the other. Maybe this can be applied towards a new successful r/s foundation.

 

Bad b/u leave scars ...continued treatment of the same cannot heal themselves, then surely this may be reason to move on and withdraw yourself TOTALLY. Learn to accept WHY or repeat another downfall.

 

We all learn from one another. We make mistakes we regret but, ~ sometimes, possible recovery. An up and down r/s based on past/or overall abuse of your relationship can bear irreversable damage. We need to identify the reasons to solidify positive result for initial change. Or questionable consideration for ANY type r/s be it just friendship afterwards.

 

B/u are just reasons and why continue a down spiral path or you chose to grow up and become responsible for your actions to another in the future.

 

Therefore current conditions reveal if it is so.