Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Hello there. I am new to the forum I hope someone here would be able to help me with my "relationship." After I left my husband (for very serious reasons, which are not relevant to this story), I became depressed. In 4 months when the depression was almost gone, I met this guy (B). We began dating. At first it was good but I had several questions about him. Because I was kind of unreasonable after depression I began to act out and talk about breaking up with him. Eventually, he could not take it any longer and we broke up. After the break up, he did not leave me alone. He kind of continued to pursue me asking to have fwb first and see how that goes. I did not really want to, so I refused repeatedly. But sometimes I could not resist and we had sex. Then I met another guy, who was great. I told B that I did not want to continued what we had because I started a new relationship. B continued to call me. The relationship did not work out so I broke up with the guy. B and I began to have sex again. Then I acted out again. Eventually, I could not take it any longer and told me that I had feelings for him. I called him a jerk several times because he wanted to have sex with me without dating me. Later he told me that a month after our break up he had a relationship with a girl who broke up with him one months later. He said that he fell in love with her. That also made me to believe that he was a jerk to me and I told him so Anyways, my depression is gone and I have changed a lot. Even B admits it. Recently I decided that fwb drives me crazy and told him that I did not want it any longer. B said he did not think he could date me because of our "history." That is a rejection, I know. But he still talks about sex with me and etc. My question is what was that? Was I unreasonable to believe that he was using me? Was it me? Thank you in advance. I really need help on this one Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I guess B was somewhat honest, he never pretended to be more than FWBs after you broke up, but he was very persistent and I don't think that was nice to you. Plus he said he "fell in love" with someone else, but has not said that he has fallen in love with you, yet still came back for sex with you...he's a jerk, yes. Plus you are already very fragile emotionally considering your divorce and he wasn't sensitive to that really. To say 'use' is not a nice term, but yes, to some extent, he was using and manipulating you to get sex, yet without wanting a relationship with you. I feel like the ongoing communication you have with B should end right now because it is making you unhappy. Do NC for several months. If you hear from him then and he has changed and wants a relationship with you then, and only then consider it, but for now you should heal from the emotional damage B has caused. It probably would be best to cut him out of your life for good but I know that is easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks. I do agree that he was somewhat honest with me. He never actually said that he wanted to have a relationship although sometimes we talked about non exclusive dating and he was ok with that. He also said that he DID like me and cared about me. I know that those words do not really mean too much considering the circumstances. Do you think he might change his mind? He did change it several times over the last year. Also I was thinking about cutting off contact with him for several months. There is a guy whom I was kind of dating during the last month and I feel that continuing talking to B does not allow me to really develop anything with this new guy. I wish I knew what I wanted Maybe I am not ready for a relatinship with anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 My advice is....if you MUST keep contact with B, only reply to his emails, texts, and maybe return a phone call or two but DON'T get back together for sex. I would give this new guy a chance for a while, maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I can only think that NC with B during the time with the new guy would be a good thing. Plus what if B calls all the time when you're with the new guy, you really don't want the new guy to know your old boyfriend/FWB is still calling and make him think he's in your life or the new relationship with the hopefully better guy is doomed. Actually, thinking about it, this may be the answer, tell B if he calls " I'm starting to see someone who might become exclusive. I hope you understand I don't think its wise for you to call for a while." B might stew and wait for you, or he might move on to someone else. this is my advice, I guess go with your instinct on what is best for you emotionally..... Also I broke off a serious relationship in August and I can't seem to find dates, how are you finding so many men to go out with, tha twould be so great to help me stop pining for my Ex. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 thanks again. It is great to hear someone else telling me to do what I was thinking about. B knows about my new guy. He always asks whether I had sex with him yet. Well, I was pretty open about this stuff but now it is not really relevant so I am going to stop telling B anything Actually, it is not the first relationship after my break up with B and after my divorce. Where do I meet men? I have no idea how to meet men. I met one guy at my law school (graduated this May); we took the same class and he asked me out. I met B at a party. Then I met a guy though a dating website. Although the guy was great, I would never recommend online dating. Majority of guys there are either for sex, on a rebound, or have crushes on someone else and want a distruction, or are not a dating material. And the last guy worked at the a company where I worked as a temp for several months. Also, I do not recommend bars and the like. Chances of meeting a decent men there are very slim What happend with your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Well, he wasn't my husband, we were in a year and 8 month relationship, but I had never felt so much emotion for a guy. We had just gotten back from a 2-week vacation in france last summer when a couple days later and he told me he wasn't in love with me, didn't feel that "spark." this lead to me of course, being devastated, and we continued contact, and back in November was "confused" to me having sex with him in Dec. to him saying "I don't think I feel it again still"....to a heated phone call, drama....so I decided it probably 'won't' happen with him after all. So after 5 months of contact, I am doing strict NC with him, not even answering emails. Plus he had issues with his 2 teenaged kids which even if we DID ever get back together, the kids issue, or how he lacked parenting skills &how rude & disrespectful they are, were a big issue to me and that would be a tough one to resolve since I don't even enjoy being in the same room with his kids because they are THAT rude and unpleasant to be around. AND I'm a high school teacher, so I have seen it all, so if I think THEY'RE bad, they are BAD. Congrats on law school, that is awesome. I am trying eharmony but unfortunately the ones I find attractive and we are 'hitting it off' online are several hours away. I am finally open to meeting somene new, actually starting to look forward to dating. Maybe I'll try a website where it's more local. Sorry this was longer than I expected, still venting I guess! I hope things wrok out for you, you deserve only happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Ok, I talked to B earlier today and he told me he was going to watch a specific movie tonight. Not alone. I guess with a date. Several minutes ago my new guy called and asked whether I wanted to watch the same movie. I said yes. The twist is that the movie is shown only in one location, near my house and far away from his house. As the movie theater is so close to my place then it is ok to go there. Not like I am trying to see B and his date Although I have no idea when he is going to be there, I am pretty sure that we might meet Do you think it is a good idea? Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Hmmm, I guess if it wouldn't hurt you to see B with a date, it should be OK. Keep me posted, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 It might hurt me but I am curious. He does not really tell anything to me and it was not even my idea to go to that movie near my place. Maybe we would not meet at all Regarding your situation, I do not really date guys with children because of the children. They could be so cruel, unfortunately. I am sure you will do great very soon! Guys, any other advices regarding my fwb with the ex thing? I would really appreciate any responces. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun_Conure Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I went to see that movie and B was not there although I did spend half of the movie fuguring out whether he was with a girl that came in late The movie was not good anyway However, the good thing was that I decided that I did not want to have fwb with him ever again reduced contact is the best idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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