we broke up for a day...

[Guest]

hmm where do I start. sorry if this is long. i really need some advice/help. im 20.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 13 months now. Something that happened 4.5 months ago is still bothering me.

 

He knew I had cheated on every boyfriend before him and still gave me a chance. He, on the other hand, has NEVER cheated on a girlfriend or even come close. A few times when we got into fights I would go to parties behind his back and lie to him, but he found out. This happened maybe three times.

 

He had no female friends, never talked to any girls, no girls in his phone, etc. He has never done anything in that sense to make me upset in the least. He will not even drink with his guy friends at a bar or anything because he doesn't want me to worry ever. His friends describe him as the most loyol person they have ever met and the best guy a girl could have. So would I.

 

Anyway, one night he really upset me (something stupid I can't even remember!), so I broke up with him. I knew it wasn't permanent but at the time I just was very frustrated. Anyway, we didnt talk that night or the next day. Until I texted him the next afternoon asking him to come over so we could talk. He agreed.

 

He came over later that day and we talked. He asked what I had done last night and I said nothing. Then he told me how much he loved me and we got back together.

 

About an hour later my phone was dead and I needed to call my parents so I asked to use his. That is when I found a zillion text messages and two phone calls to this girl. The first call was from her phone to his a day BEFORE I broke up with him. Then there were texts coming only from her phone saying to call him and why was he ignoring her etc. The second call was the night that I did break up with him. The text messages were the night of into the next day, saying things like "good morning beautiful" telling her she was hot, asking her questions about hobbies and such, and inviting her on a date the next day (the day we ended up getting back together). He said the same things to her as he always did to me (I always woke up to the "good morning beautiful" message). Then were the texts from me saying we should talk. After I texted him that, the last texts he sent to her phone said that he couldn't go on his date that afternoon because he was babysitting.

 

I became hysterical and kicked him in the face a thousand times and broke his cell phone, none of which he said anything about.

 

His explanation:

He met her two nights before we broke up at his friends house ( I was with my own friends), where there were 5 guys and just her. She was friends with the boy whose house it was. She went around and put everybody's number into her phone and got everybody's as well, and he didn't want to be rude so he just went along with it, never thinking they were going to talk. The next day she called him and he only answered because he figured she was with his group of friends. Instead she called crying about her boyfriend who cheated on her. He had no idea why she was calling him but didn't want to be mean so he tried to give her advice and help her out. After that, she kept texting him asking him to call her and asking why she ignored him (which I saw). He never responded because at that point he thought she might have been interested and wanted to ignore her so she got the picture that he didn't like her at all (apparently she knew about me).

 

He said that when I broke up with him, he was sure that I was going to go do something because that's what I have done in the past. And that this time he didn't want to sit around and feel sick over it so he wanted to do something as well to get me back. He claims that "I didn't like that white trash bitch" and "I only chose to talk to her because I knew she liked me and it was the easiest way to get you back". He says that she meant absolutely nothing to him and he had no interest at all in her. He says the whole time he was texting her he was thinking about me, and he was texting her "useless bull****" only to get me back for what he thought I was out doing.

 

He had one of his friends call her and tell her never to contact him again.

 

The way I took it was that he just wanted to replace me as fast as possible.

 

It hurts so bad whenever I think about it. In fact, I cried writing this.

 

It makes me feel bad about myself, like if I had never wanted to get back together with him he wouldn't have cared as long as he had his replacement for me. I am embarrassed to see his friends who know about it.

 

SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!! Should I believe him? Were his intentions really what he said? Do you think he had any interest in her? Or was it really just to get me back?

[TheDC]

You sound like a bit of a psycho drama queen. In this one I'm going to have to take his side.

 

The next time you break up with him over something trivial don't be surprised if he decides that it's permanent. I'd certainly get fed up with you.

[SarahAnn]

While I think you were over reacting to what you found on his phone since you admit you've lied to him in the past. But I'm not taking your boyfriend's side. I think he was up to no good. First of all talking to another female sounds totally out of character for him (according to you) and since he started talking to her BEFORE you broke up with him, I'd say him talking/texting her has nothing to do with any anger towards you or "getting back at you". Her texting him "why are you ignoring me" sounds like they had talked at length or something and now he's not responding to her. As for her knowing about you, I doubt it because why would he cancel their date by saying he was babysitting (instead of that he made up with his girlfriend?)

 

I also think he was interested in her and therefore he was complimenting her and asking her out. I'm not sure why he thought he could get back at you by texting to (how was he supposed to know you would see his phone?). I don't like that he's bad mouthing her now though. Thats a classic guy thing- to say nasty things about someone to their wife or girlfriend to make it seem like they were never into some other female. I think he liked the attention from her but I don't think he was very interested in her though, I think she was probably a rebound type thing. I can understand your concern, it seems your boyfriend is not as loyal as you thought. I wouldn't be too worried- he IS with you now but I'd keep an eye on him.

[Walk]

His actions were immature. But you've crossed the line several times. I don't believe you have a right to be upset or hurt by your bf's actions.

 

A few times when we got into fights I would go to parties behind his back and lie to him, but he found out. This happened maybe three times.

 

3 times in 13 months. So basically, every four months you sneak around behind his back and lie to him. You taught him how to treat you. You dictated what was appropriate and acceptable behavior in this relationship. I think you forgot to tell him that it was okay for you to lie and go behind his back, but it's not okay for him to do to you. I think you should tell him that. That this is only a special thing you can do, but he can't. And if he does then he's an ass. I dont' think he'll like it.. but if that's how you feel, then you need to be honest with him.

 

I do believe your bf was using that other girl to get back at you. There's no way he could've developed an emotional attachment to the girl in 2 days. He believed you would follow your past pattern of behavior, and he decided to play your game. Now you're upset.

 

You have a choice now... you can either acknowledge how painful this was, and relate it to how you've been treating your bf for the past 13 months... or you can pretend you're the victim and shift all blame to your bf. Take the adult path and accept responsibility for your part in this problem.

[Seen_It_All]

She went around and put everybody's number into her phone and got everybody's as well, and he didn't want to be rude so he just went along with it, never thinking they were going to talk.

 

The next day she called him and he only answered because he figured she was with his group of friends. Instead she called crying about her boyfriend who cheated on her. He had no idea why she was calling him but didn't want to be mean so he tried to give her advice and help her out.

 

I highly doubt this story. Regardless of your past behavior lying to him, etc., the question here is HIS real intentions. I don't believe for a second that he's this girl's 'victim' - that he was innocent and let her put his phone number in her cell phone address book just because 'everyone else was letting her and he didn't want to appear rude.' Yeah, sure.

 

What a bunch of bunk. Then he, the OH SO INNOCENT victim, just let her steam-roll him calling him and texting him all day because once AGAIN, he didn't want to appear 'rude.' That is the most ridiculous crap on earth.

 

Nice deflection attempt, trying to blame his cheating on your shoulders - by claiming he just KNEW you'd revert to form and do something bad the day after you broke up. So HE was just trying to do this so he wouldn't be sitting home 'getting sick' about YOUR bad behavior the day after the break-up, is that it? Yeah, sure.

 

I would have to imagine that the night at his buddy's house - as well as the next day when she started calling him A DAY BEFORE YOU BROKE UP - that he would have mentioned to her that he had a girlfriend...right? I mean, it stands to reason that since SHE was the one taking HIS phone number and then calling the next day, he was totally innocent - right? Here he was at a get together at a friend's house so I'm sure he had a chance to tell her THEN that he had a girlfriend. And when she called him the day after the party - ONE DAY BEFORE you broke up, during this OH SO INNOCENT phone call I'm sure he ONCE AGAIN had the chance to tell her that he had a girlfriend...right?

 

And yet, it doesn't appear that you ever came up in their conversation. But it was all INNOCENT, he swears it. He was merely a victim of circumstance. And he didn't want to appear 'rude.'

 

It's pretty obvious he got caught up in an attraction to this girl and tried to turn it all around on you when you caught him. Yes, blame YOUR bad behavior because he 'knew' you'd do something bad after breaking up and he didn't want to be alone getting sick about it. Jesus. How pathetic of an excuse is THAT?

 

You caught him, plain and simple.

[Guest]

See I would think that he liked her from the begginning etc...

 

But after she called him the 1st time (before we broke up), she called him and was ignored. Then she texted him over and over asking him to call, which he never did nor did he text her back. And then she asked why he was ignoring her, to which he didn't respond. He didn't speak to her again until I broke up with him.

 

Also, I talked to his friends about it very upset and they said that he IS the most loyal guy ever, however with his ex girlfriend if she broke up with him he would just talk to any random girl to get back at her.

 

And when I found out I said that if I did continue to stay with him I would have probably cheated on him. He said that would kill him but if that's what it took to stay with me he would have to deal with it. Anything to stay with me.

 

Anyone think he was just doing it to get back at me? If you don't, say so. But honestly to put my mind at ease this is what I would like to hear. Lastly, if this had happened to you, would you have stayed with him? I had a lot of trouble deciding whether to stay with him or not.

[O'Malley]

He's responsible for acting like a jerk, and so are you. Now he's fed up and playing your games. Too much drama and not much maturity.

I became hysterical and kicked him in the face a thousand times and broke his cell phone, none of which he said anything about.

 

You don't have the right to hit anyone.

[Javelin]

I'm not even going to quote anyone here, I'd rather just give you my opinion.

 

What goes around, comes around.

Seems to me, you are just as vulnerable as he is; since you've now tasted a small dose of your own medicine! Perhaps you will think twice about what you do in the future, but don't get me wrong, in no way am I trying to justify your boyfriend's actions. I'm merely hoping you see this ordeal from his point of view.

 

I leave you with some advice: Your lying, must stop.

A relationship between 2 people isn't built on selfishness, it's built on selflessness and trust. He's also not a fool, so even though you may tell a convincing lie, your past reminds him of your unfaithfulness. He'll always be skeptical of you, that is, until you can prove to him that you're a changed person.

 

Just keep that in mind.

 

P.S. - I'm sure the kick to the face x 100 was just an exaggeration, but violence is no way to solve a problem. You wouldn't like it if he punched you in the face for every time you've lied to him, now would you?

[Walk]

And when I found out I said that if I did continue to stay with him I would have probably cheated on him. He said that would kill him but if that's what it took to stay with me he would have to deal with it. Anything to stay with me.

 

You need to find a better way to deal with your issues, other than spreading your legs.

 

I also know that if you stay with him, he'll cheat on you to. He can't continue to invest all of his heart in you. Not when he knows you'll cheat on him, lie to him, sneak around behind his back. You're killing his love for you. Over time, the resentment and insecurity you keep building in him will crush whatever love he feels for you. And then he'll walk away, forever.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. And every relationship you will ever be in will suffer. Find a better way to handle your problems. If you need help, ask on LS. The people here are incredibly knowledgeable and caring. But don't shut your eyes to this. You're hurting yourself. You're hurting your bf. You'll create a domino effect of unhappy relationships throughout your future. Please try to see past this initial pain and take a look at the bigger picture. And take steps to make your life and the lives of those you care about better.