Girlfriend says she has changed

[UnsurePath]

I never had a technical split up with my girlfriend, but this is still a second chance thread. We've been together for about 2 1/2 years, and living together for the last year and a half. During that time, she's been great, loving and caring, and psychotic abusive (self and to me) and emotionally unstable.

Over the holidays, we spent about 12 days apart, she was back with her family, I with mine. I decided during this time that it was over for me, and 2 days before we were supposed to come back home, I tried to break up with her.

This led to first her just falling apart on the phone and me giving in, the next day, I tried again, and she was calmer and we were able to talk. I didn't want to give reasons or hear any, but she convinced me to listen to her, and for the first time since we've lived together, she spoke to me like a functioning adult. I decided to give her a chance, and told her that we'd see how January goes and then decide from there.

So, now it's been 5 days back, and while she has been alot better, it just doesn't seem genuine sometimes, I know she is trying to fix what was wrong, and she acknowledges that things were her fault, but somewhere in me it feels like placating. On top of that, she is starting to talk about the future again, when I am still unsure of our present, I've asked her to slow down, and she does for a while, and then starts again on a different, yet similiar subject.

I feel like i'm being unfair to her by not being able to forget the past and being so wary of the future, I know she really does want to change, but I just don't know if I want to be a part of her life anymore. I know relationships are work, and I'm young (we're both 25), but my career requires me to move relatively frequently (usually every 1-2 years), and i'll need to move again soon and I just don't know if our relationship is happy enough for me to want to take her with me (sounds harsh, but yes that is what it'd be, she is not in an established career and wishes to follow me wherever i go).

 

Do I figure out the rest of the month and try to keep positive about the changes? or do I prepare to end it and get my things together to leave without her? I feel stuck right now because I care about her, but I just don't think it's the same anymore.

[Island Girl]

I went and looked at your other post from July. WOW.

 

There is a lot that has gone on that is BAD. You said previously that the instances of physical violence are not very often. Trust me, or even look at the facts, these types of episodes get worse.

 

You say she is smaller than you are and therefore doesn't hurt you but she gave you a bruise on your side that didn't go away for 2 weeks. That would hurt.

 

She has serious problems and just trying to "change" on her own won't work. These are deep seated issues that will continue eventually unless she seeks professional help.

 

There really hasn't been enough time for you to see if she is commited to change and without assistance for her it doesn't look good. Everything points to "no".

 

If you are to leave at the end of January, or soon after, I wouldn't take her with you. I'd break it off.

 

But you're in a sticky situation since she moved where you are to be with you and has no friends or family there.

 

It'll be quite a discussion to get her to travel home and get psychiatric help.

 

Be careful. You do go to sleep after all don't you? This type of situation could send her over the edge where she could be dangerous to you.

[lorr]

This story reminds me of what my male friend and an ex went through with their previous relationships. Same story about their girlfriends suffering from severe mental illnesses and psychotic behaviours, and everytime they tried to leave the relationship the girlfriends would do the whole crying and attempts of suicide bit, and yes they were living together in this situation for years.

Thankfully they are not in this situation anymore as family and friends had no choice but to intervene.

Please believe me when I say that although she has serious issues and she is co-dependent on you, the only way that things can change is if you show her tough love. By this I mean you are the one who has to get things in motion by telling her that you NEED her to move out of your place back to her family.

Yes she will scream, shout, cry etc but if you don't stick to being firm and in control she will effectively have a warped hold over you and she will use this to her advantage.

 

You need to tell her again that she has to seek help for her own sake, and that she has to be prepared to do this on her own.

This relationship is downright destructive, and you are letting her pull you down with her issues. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, and now its time to take charge.

 

BTW remember this: Although you may not see it now. They always always cope and manage in the end.

[UnsurePath]

My best friend also says along the same lines as you, it's difficult for me, especially right now because I know she wants to change. I'll expand a bit on the conversation we had that I tried to break up with her, the second one...

 

She told me she had been thinking alot over the course of being at home and alone most of the time (her family was all working), and had come to realize what she'd been like the last year. Instead of getting depressive and self-loathing, she started to think about what she could do to change her behavior as she felt she hasn't been herself for the past year. She says that graduating from school and the move and her job all made her into the, well, the bitch that she was for a good part of the year.

 

I am willing to forgive alot, probably too much, and I want to see her succeed and be happy with herself again, but part of me feels like i'm staying in this relationship out of pity and care, not love.

 

My realization for the initial decision to break up was when I met someone through a program i'm involved in, she worked there and we became fast friends. We started talking about relationships a bit, and then more specifically about ours (she also in a 2 1/2 year relationship). We eventually got together for tennis once, which my girlfriend knew about, and then another time, which she didn't. The second time, the girl admitted that she was attracted to me, and I said the same, but that I couldn't cheat on my girlfriend. The following day, I called her and told her that I couldn't see her again, I didn't need to make a bad situation worse. I haven't spoken to her since then, almost a month, I still think about her, it felt good to have that fresh feeling again, the possiblity for newness that I haven't felt in my relationship in a long time.

 

I do realize that I technically emotionally cheated on my girlfriend, but I don't feel guilty about it, it is a result of a long series of problems, and a symptom of them all. Thats what I took it for, a symptom, and it made me realize that the relationship was over for me.

 

Now, with her attempts at change, I want to see if we can get it back, and we're both trying, but so far, I just still don't feel it, she knows that, but is holding out hope for a come around.

 

I don't know what advice to ask, but it feels better to just tell someone who isn't really connected with me, so thanks for reading, if nothing else, I know i got kind of long here.

[blind_otter]

I think that, with regards to abusive behavior, saying that you've "changed" is kind of a cop out. You can sit there and think about changing until the cows come home and it probably won't change one permanent thing about you.

 

I'm dating someone who displayed abusive behavior in the past. He actually did change, by getting anger management therapy. Unless your GF gets some help, I doubt that these changes will be permanent.

[Anastasia0309]

You see in my situation I was like your girlfriend. I would want to argue with my BF and then things would sometimes (3x) out of 3 years get out of control.Even though I instigated the whole thing I would kinda of want him to hurt me (Nothing very Serious) just a little scrath or bruise. So, I could make him feel bad and say sorry and say how much he loved me. I think the first time I did this wasn't on purpose but after I saw that he professed his love for me I would do this to see and hear his love every once in awhile. I know its embarssing to admit but I just realized through reading your thread that I was no angel in my relationship. He would do something small and I would get overly mad and make a huge deal about it and we would fight... I would say I was going to move out and leave him.... He would cry and beg me not to go......I would leave for a little but wouldn't want to feel the pain of being without him and go right back and he would take me. This happened like at least once a week.

 

He finally said enough was enough and broke up with me. I was mad and like the other poster said cried and tried to make him feel bad about breaking up but at the same time I knew that was the best thing for me and our relationship. Things probably would have gotten a little better if I stayed but I know I wouldn't have found out alot of stuff about myself. I wouldn't have had this change to really see my faults and try to become the person I want to be. I still (5 months later) am discovering how to become that person. I still do try to make him feel bad about not being with me. We still have problems and I know that I only way for me to completely heal is to go full NC.

 

So, being I was in her shoes and I know what she's going through and I know what your going through as well. I would say "Tough Love" is the only way she going to learn how to Stop being abusive and co-dependent on you. I really don't see how she would really stop the patterns if she doesn't have time to herself to figure her life out and change for the better. It going to hard for her to understand why your doing this but later when she has gotten through the pain and realized she is strong and independent she will thank you and see that you did this because you love her and want better for her. Sorry, that this got so long

[D-Lish]

Seems like you're dealing with a whole lot of turmoil right now.

 

As everyone else has suggested- with issues that deep, she'll need to seek some sort of professional help. It won't get better without an intervention. Having said that- she has acknowledged she has a problem and is voicing that she wants to change. That is also a major realization on her part- and a good step in the right direction.

 

I'm sure your time apart over the holidays and you initiating a break up has been a catylyst in her desire to change. Sometimes it takes a harsh event in order to help someone realize they need help.

 

I hesitate to agree that leaving her at the same time she articulates this desire to change is the best thing for both of you. But I don't deny you've been through the ringer with her- and that putting up with abuse is never something you should have to endure in any relationship.

 

I do think that the two of you need some space from one another. You need to figure out how you truly feel about her- and she needs to seek professional help for her issues. Top that off with your impending move- and you have a major problem on your hands.

 

I think you need to figure out whether or not you love her enough to see her through this work she has to do... or whether or not you have reached your end's rope with her. You shouldn't support her out of pity- it should be out of love.

 

Regardless, you obviously need the space from her at this time. If she's truly committed to getting help for herself, it'll show in time.

 

Right now, you have to look after yourself. It sounds as if you've been neglecting your own needs lately.

 

D

[CaliGuy]

The thing about change is, people can talk about it forever but it's only by their ACTIONS that they truly proved they have changed.

 

Listen to none of what people say and all of what they do. That tells you if they have truly changed.

 

Words mean nothing.