How often do you get together with MM/MO?

[frannie]

Now I won't claim to understand the lure of an affair with someone who is married...

 

... I do still wonder if it wouldn't be better to have limited or simply sexual relationships with a single man/woman.

 

 

... I know there are many who would not object and would probably enjoy a FWB. Is it because a single person could grow attached and you do not want the attachment? Is it about the thrill of having a secret lover? I am truly curious as that kind of relationship seems less harmful to others (wives, husbands, children) but please do not think I am judging. I'm interested as to the married partner choice versus a similar relationship with someone with, shall we say, less baggage, for lack of better words. Is it about love and you are planning a future with the MS?

 

I'm mainly answering for myself here, but I'd say it was probably true of most people involved in an affair (judging on what I've read on these boards)...

 

There is no real 'lure of an affair'... that's why it doesn't make sense as a proposition. It's a question of individuals. You meet someone particular... and they're married: not the other way round. Although obviously people do get involved with married people because that's all they want; but those aren't love affairs... the people wouldn't be on forums discussing the problems of those situations.

 

So your 'wouldn't a single person be better'... isn't applicable either. Of course it would be better if the person you're attracted to were single... but they're not. They're married. The question can't be asked the other way round without being absolutely obvious. (not meaning this to sound critical, but just trying to explain...)

 

And, again trying to speak for myself... I've been planning a future with MM, yes. I never wanted it to be an affair... and it's always seemed 'just around the corner' that it would all work out.

 

Anyway, not sure if any of that was even vaguely interesting much less answered any of your questions...

[dropdeadlegs]

Frannie, thanks for taking the time to satisfy my curiosity.

 

I am a very flawed individual, with lots of past actions I regret (present ones to.) I can certainly understand parts of what goes on in the mind of someone involved with someone else whose situation could be considered less than desirable. I am not incapable of cheating on a spouse, I did that in my first marriage. I think I read somewhere that what I did was called an "exit affair" and while I had never heard that term, I recognized immediately that it applied to my situation. I didn't want the man, I wanted out of the marriage and chose what was ultimately a very poor way of achieving that. I learned a lot and would never do it again. I paid a horrible price in loss of self esteem and personal shame and guilt. I also slept with a married man out of nothing but pure lust because I felt he was building my self esteem by "wanting" me. Again, I felt so guilty and "wrong." Both of these events happened a long time ago and maybe what I am trying to understand most is why I did those things; to understand my own nature as well as that of others.

 

What I learned from those experiences was that I can't get involved in situations like that because they make me not like myself. Good lesson to learn, maybe a bad way to learn it. I wonder if anyone else understands that I am flawed but not inherently "bad." Sometimes I wonder if I know that myself.

 

I don't mean to project that anyone else should come to the conclusions I came to. Because I didn't remain in an affair doesn't mean that nobody can or should. I am happy and relieved to have a place to share with complete honesty. Forgiving myself has been a long term issue, although I am very forgiving of others. Learning and understanding better helps so much. Confessing to my past transgressions somehow makes them seem less dauntingly "dirty" skeletons in my closet. Knowing I am not alone is so relieving.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate your honesty and point of view.

[frannie]

I didn't want the man, I wanted out of the marriage and chose what was ultimately a very poor way of achieving that. I learned a lot and would never do it again. I paid a horrible price in loss of self esteem and personal shame and guilt. I also slept with a married man out of nothing but pure lust because I felt he was building my self esteem by "wanting" me. Again, I felt so guilty and "wrong."

 

Do you feel 'guilty and wrong' for doing what you did because in both cases you didn't really care about the person involved (the OM and then the MM)..? Did you really feel like that at the time, or are these things you've come to realise as you've got older... that you did 'use' people and didn't really want them as such..?

 

I don't know... I think we all do things like that from time to time, in the moment... especially when we're younger. It's after a lot of other experience we come to realise that we were bashing our way through life with perhaps less regard for others than we would have with maturity...

 

I don't know how long ago all this was, but it seems wrong to go beating yourself up about it now. You wouldn't make those mistakes again...

[dropdeadlegs]

Do you feel 'guilty and wrong' for doing what you did because in both cases you didn't really care about the person involved (the OM and then the MM)..? Did you really feel like that at the time, or are these things you've come to realise as you've got older... that you did 'use' people and didn't really want them as such..?

I actually cared about everyone involved. My H, the OM, the MM, and even MM's wife, who I had only briefly met once. At that time the person I didn't care enough about was me. Yet I recognize that even in caring about them, I also used them (OM/MM) for my own selfish needs. I think I've always been aware of all of this. I have been able to look each and every one of us involved in these messes in the eye, and have apologized to the exH. He said he forgave me a long time ago. MM is now single and we are actually friends. While I never apologized to him, I don't feel it necessary. We have talked about things and know we were both selfish at that time. The guilt probably lies more with his wife at the time and I feel certain she does not know that we had slept together when he was married to her. I still don't know her, but have had to face her a few times. Telling her might ease my conscience, but it could hurt her, even now. Years later MM and I had a FWB relationship ( the most recent relationship prior to my only healthy one with my current BF) so we have an understanding of the attraction between us that could possibly last a lifetime. We recognize that it is personal affection, and very physical. We respect current boundaries and know it is very unlikely that a healthy relationship would ever be possible for us for many reasons I won't go into. We understand our different long term needs. I don't know where OM is, but heard he is in a long term relationship and presumably happy.

 

You're right beating myself up after 14-15 years isn't good for me. I wouldn't have some of the compassion and understanding for others that I now have had I not had these experiences. I love myself a lot more today, but still not truly enough in many ways. I do know that I wouldn't do those things today and that needs to be a good enough reason to forgive myself. If anyone else wrote what I have written I would be telling them to get over themselves, the past is the past when you learn something from it. Forgiveness is divine.

 

Again, confession and reflection is so good for me, thank you for listening, for caring.

[MustBeLove]

I would not be with my MM if I didn't see him every day. (see my previous post) I do hate it when he goes home as little as he does, I wouldn't do it if I only was with him 3 days a week or less. I'm with him more then anyone else. We have almost been together a year and things are going good. Things have to be worked on, and settled out be for the D. It will happen, we will be together in a "normal R".

 

Sorry for me going on about nothing really. I had a longer better one yesterday, but my computer was not letting me post on here.

[frannie]

I would not be with my MM if I didn't see him every day. (see my previous post) I do hate it when he goes home as little as he does, I wouldn't do it if I only was with him 3 days a week or less. I'm with him more then anyone else. We have almost been together a year and things are going good. Things have to be worked on, and settled out be for the D. It will happen, we will be together in a "normal R".

 

Sorry for me going on about nothing really. I had a longer better one yesterday, but my computer was not letting me post on here.

 

Oh I go on about nothing all the time.

 

So has he asked for a divorce..? What's happening in your situation..?

[MustBeLove]

Not yet. There are many things that he has to do at our work first. Things have been very crazy and will be that way for about another month or so. This whole processes will have take time. She is very close to his family and no one is his family has ever been D. So it is going to be very hard, even though everyone knows that his is not there most of the time and all of that. I'm willing to wait and be patient. We want to do everything right, well as right as two people can who are having an A. She has no clue about the A. She is very different. I don't know many women who don't mind not seeing there husband and only talking to him once a day. He gave her what she wants most in life a child. That is all that she cares about him too. For the most part that is the only reason he goes home because to pick up the child and drop her off later in the week. So they are separated, but not officially. Its confusing, and many people won't understand. It will take time.

[HarleysAngel]

I think if 2 people are in love they phone each other every day although weekends may be difficult--there is always time for a call or a text message. I do not buy the "I never had time to call you" excuse.

 

I agree. in my case, my mm and i haven't seen each other since new year. i insisted we should meet and it led to my tantrums again. he said he couldn't find a way to sneak from his wife; he's worried so much about her because she's pregnant and will be delivering next month *sniff*

 

i call and text him everyday for the purpose of keeping him hanging on to me and to make him aware i exist.

 

he told me after his wife's delivery, for which he would take a two-week leave from office (that means two more weeks of no contact totally) he would make it up to me. i doubt it. i fear it. i don't know why. i'm not ready to lose him.

 

i think i am the most unfortunate of the OW breed.

[sb129]

he said he couldn't find a way to sneak from his wife; he's worried so much about her because she's pregnant and will be delivering next month *sniff*

he told me after his wife's delivery, for which he would take a two-week leave from office (that means two more weeks of no contact totally) he would make it up to me. i doubt it. i fear it. i don't know why. i'm not ready to lose him.

 

i think i am the most unfortunate of the OW breed.

 

 

Harley- 18months ago I was in the EXACT situation you are in now.

And it SUCKED the fat one. Sorry to say hon, but buckle up cos the next few months are going to be one rocky ride.

A new baby really makes it tough. I am glad you are prepared for NC, cos looking after a newborn (while I know alot of people do it very well on their own) is really a two person job. Your MMs W will need all the support and help she can get, and that will leave you with zip. They will both be sleep deprived, emotional and exhausted. I worried myself sick that the baby would make my ex MM and his ex W get back together, but in all honesty a new baby doesn't really bring you closer together as they are so much work. (good work- its amazing! I am NOT anti babies, i love them) I would go on holiday or plan something to take your mind off it.

And plan for the possibility that two weeks might turn into a bit longer than that.

My relationship with the guy didn't work out in the end, but he did leave his W, and we did stay together until the baby was 15 months old. In fact the worst thing about splitting was leaving the baby, cos I got very attached to him.

But MM turned out to be wrong for me after all the drama settled down, we realised we werent compatible. (a whole other story)

 

Good luck... look after yourself.

[HarleysAngel]

what you said sb1 really scared the hell out of me. it's so depressing to think that i can't let myself loose with a man who's taken despite the fact that he will never be mine and to stay in this kind of nonsense relationship is i think baloney. but everytime i try to let go, i end up going back, getting back to my knees for forgiveness, and...it's just so pointless.

 

i try to meet other but the ones that come along don't interest me. this is so making me somebody else i am not and i want to just die. what i pray is for God to take me (which is ironic to say) if it's the price i have to pay. i just don't think i could get by if i lose him.

 

and those two weeks, plus a month of no contact would make me sick as hell. how do you let go of someone you love so much? he's my everything.

 

thanks for your comment.

[sb129]

You have to stop making him your everything. I am sorry to scare you.. I didn't mean to. You won't be his everything ever... because he will soon have a child, and not only will you have to compete with his wife, you will have to compete with his child. Do you really want to do that?

Its a really tricky situation. I lost weight, I couldn't sleep, I was a mess.

I ended up having a mini- nervous breakdown and going on anti-depressants for a while.

In a way, I am glad I went thru it because NOW I am 10000000000 times stronger, and will never compromise my self esteem by going after a taken man again. And I appreciate my lovely new BF for the faithful, committed, loving man he is.

Good luck.

Sorry again for scaring you, but I wish I had belonged to LS then, maybe someone could have warned me and I would have spared myself a fair amount of grief.

[HarleysAngel]

hi sb129! i know you didn't mean to. it's my nerve. you know what? i am praying that one morning i could wake up not feeling anything anymore for him. because no matter what he offers, there's always this void that kills inside me. i was nearly suicidal before, actually, for being paranoid during the first few months of our relationship. until now, it still feels like that. if paranoia alone could break me down this easily, what more if he finally let go? that one is what really scares me. i will never be contented with the way i am. and it's shameful to say that i am this desperate and so longing. it's his fault! how were you able to recover? how long did it take you? what things did you do to get over?

 

i am occasionally going out with a friend who's also an OW hoping we culd meet our real match.

 

one more, i go crazy everyday while his life goes on. and whenever i call him or saw each other, everything seems to be fine. what's happening? do you have any idea? once he ask me if i could stand seeing him leave his family for me when i never demanded him that. and i told him, i just need some of his time. something, i feel, is wrong. and he doesn't let go if i don't.

 

thank you so much sb for spending time to read my sentiments and comforting me. i owe you. thanks very very much!

[sb129]

Hey HarleysAngel. WE are kinda threadjacking here, maybe you should post your questions on a new thread, but here goes a little help.

 

There are alot of OW and ex OW, and betrayed spouses on LS.

Its one of the most common thread topic.

 

Read these threads

www.loveshack.org/forums/t109275

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/t108906

 

For a bit more insight into both sides of the story (OW and BS)

 

 

I truly believe that as long as you (you personally HarleysAngel) are an OW, your self esteem will never get better.

You sound like I did when i was in full scale denial about the A I was involved in.

My self esteem was so low, thats one of the reasons I got involved with a MM, and it just kept getting lower because it was such a soul destroying position to be in. How dare your MM say such things like "how would you feel if he left his family for you" what a spineless weak jerk. Don't ever let him blame you for HIS mistakes/ choices/decisions.

 

You may have noticed that the MM themselves rarely post on here... too afraid of lynching, or too busy juggling double lives I guess. But for most of the OW on here, its not easy.

 

Goodluck again.

You are worthy of better...