back together but he said he does not love me

[guest]

Someone please give me advice!

 

I moved out of state a year ago and had my house up for sale. 4 months ago I came home and met someone and we started a long-distance relationship for the past 4 months. We have talked about getting married eventually. Everything was wonderful and I decided to move back to my house near him. This was last week.

 

The stress of moving, leaving my friends behind, job, etc was tough. I was not really easy to live with last week. He seemed stand-off-ish which made me freak out also. Then I was kind of expecting a sentimental christmas gift and he gave me something that was very casual. We had a horrible fight and I said some nasty things to him. I have since apologized.

 

He said he accepted my apology but it was over. We did not speak for the week. I have been frankly, a mess - not eating, sleeping, etc.

Last night he called and said he wanted to talk. I met him and we talked about the 'relationship' and the fight we had and we both talked about how hard it has been to be broken up. He also told me that he did not say it was over when I asked him that last week, but I do know he did say that. Why would he deny it now?

 

Then after we talked last night I made the mistake maybe of sleeping with him. I just wanted to 'fix' things and be close with him again and he turns me on a lot. It was wonderful but then I made the stupid mistake of telling him I still loved him after and asked if he loved me. He got upset and told me he felt I was 'drilling' him. This was upsetting to me. I told him that maybe I should go home. He became very cold and said that he is sorry but he does not think it is going to work. I asked if he was sure. He said 'yes'.

 

Then he walked me home and then we kept talking. He told me he was afraid of getting hurt. I told him I did not want the relationship to end. We kissed and hugged. I can't believe it but I pretty much begged him not to end it with us. I went back to his place with him and spent the night. I can't believe what an idiot I am!

 

This morning he said that we are back together (after I asked him the status of our realtionship) but I can't help but feel that I am settling because he never told me that he loved me or even that he really cared for me. I more get the feeling that he is back together with me because he does not want to hurt me.

 

My self esteem has been rock bottom the past week. He used to act like he could not live without me. How do I get him to act like he loves me again? I feel like I am begging for his love from him. I did not want this 'casual' friendly relationship he is giving me now but I don't want to go through the drama of breaking up again either. I don't want to settle - I only want to be in this relationship if he loves me not because he is feeling bad for hurting me.

 

Another note: we are both middle aged and both divorced. I now also live on the same street as he does which makes it hard for me to look like I have some exciting life when I work home alone all day now and he has to pass my house to get to his house.

 

PLEASE HELP ME. I am exhausted trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to settle either for a man who does not love me anymore...

 

Should I just break it off cold turkey rather than settle? I feel insulted to be with someone who now feels I am 'drilling' him if I ask if he loves me. This whole thing is killing my self esteem. I am very attractive and have a lot going for me. Why am I acting like such a needy fool? I don't like the person I have become!!!

[paris38]

I know it is hard to let go. But you said he said he doesn't love you, right in your post. How posssible is it to move out of his neighborhood? Despite that he can see where you are, practice NC with him. I don't think he wants a relationship with you.

I was a total fool for my exboyfriend after we broke up. It's easy to get emotional when you are still in love. The best thing you can do is move on.

[Guest]

I know it is hard to let go. But you said he said he doesn't love you, right in your post. How posssible is it to move out of his neighborhood? Despite that he can see where you are, practice NC with him. I don't think he wants a relationship with you.

I was a total fool for my exboyfriend after we broke up. It's easy to get emotional when you are still in love. The best thing you can do is move on.

 

Thank you for your advice Paris. Since I wrote the first post I made a point of being out and keeping busy. I was out late one night and driving home and he called my phone and said he wanted to talk. We met and he said that he has missed me and having a hard time with the way things ended so quickly. I told him I loved him (mistake, I know). He told me that he is hurt and not sure how he feels and not sure if things will work out between us but he wants us to get "back together". I said I would like to see him again also. The next few days I saw him out and he was friendly but in a superficial kind of fake way.

 

I was friendly also. I had thought that we are seeing each other but I considered the relationship has taken steps back and we were starting over. Yesterday he stopped by my house 2 times that day unanounced (I work at home and also I live on his same street as he does). I was not comfortable with that as I don't want to be on "standby" for him as I feel since he does not know how he feels about me I should not be accessable to him at all times. I politlely asked him to please give me a quick call if he wanted to stop over. Well, the next day I get a note on my door that says "I can't see you anymore. I don't want to have to make an appointment to see you. Don't call or contact me ever again."

 

My thinking was if he does not know how he feels about me then we are just "dating" again and he does not have the right to show up at my door anytime he wants, expecially as we live on the same street!

What do I do now? Was I wrong to ask him to call me first? I can't move as I own this house. I also went on a date last night and enjoyed myself but I woke up this morning feeling sick about missing my ex.

I am not going to contact him but I feel very sad..

[martin_hossein]

Hi there....after reading your problem...I feel really sorry for the way he is treating you. I am having a similar problem with my girl friend. Maybe the best way is to let go...but for me, if you love somebody like you love that guy, it's ALWAYS worth fighting for. If you think that too, you need to make him see what he is missing and make him realise where his love lies. I'm sorry I wasn't that helpful. Contact me if you need.

[vawarmspirit]

I found this forum while I was googling Blaise Harris. I brought his book and I need help. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. She has ADHD and needs constant attention. We got engaged a year and a half ago. She actually proposed to me twice with 2 engagement rings. She had an emotional affair shortly before she proposed the first time and we began counseling at our church. Counseling helped with our communication. Then she started another emotional affair that led to a one night stand. She believes that the fact that she was off of her ADHD meds may have contributed to this affair. Since she ended this affair about 8 months ago, we have been very happy. We have been planning our wedding and she has been very attentive. We have had some stress revolving around money issues and she just got her Masters degree, which was very stressful. But, I really thought that we were happy. I came home from work 4 weeks ago and found her shopping for wedding rings and watching a wedding planning show. We always leave love notes for each other and that same week she gave me a card that she made saying how much she loved me.

 

Then that weekend was her graduation. And that night we went to a club to celebrate. She got very tipsy and another woman hit on her. They exchanged phone numbers. We went home and made love. And then a couple of days later she started an affair with this woman. I found out and asked her to stop. But they kept calling each other and they went out a few times. Then one night she did not come home and they slept together. The next day she was very remorseful and proceeded to try to go on with our life as if nothing had happened. We are in the process of looking for a new place to live and she just went to look at this new place and then called me raving about how this could be our place. Well, I insisted that she tell this woman about me. And she said she would and that she loved me. We went to the club and she told this woman that she couldn't see her anymore, but then she rushed out and went home. I spoke with the other woman and it turns out that we know each other. She said that she thought that she recognized her from seeing us together at my graduation.

 

When I got home she was putting a post on her myspace page about how much I loved her and how much she loved me. The next day we went to the book store and brought some books about ADHD and romance. We have agreed to get individual and couples counseling. Well, a few days later she took the post off of her site and changed her status to single. Now we live together and she says that she wants to go to counseling to make things better. Last night we had a conversation and she said that she does not feel head over heels in love with me. And that's what she wants to feel. But she is still doing everything that we have always done. She wants to cuddle and kiss me good bye in the morning and she is still planning our vacation in March.

 

My heart is broken because I love her. I don't know what to do. No contact is not possible, because we live together. I am surrounded by a home full of beautiful memories. I find myself crying alot. And I know that the crying and constantly expressing how much I love her is not helping. She gave me a card the other day that says how sorry she is and that even though she can't erase all of the hurt, that she loves me. (you know one of those hallmark cards)

 

Does anyone have any advice? Is there hope for us?

 

Ayana

 

 

Thank you for your advice Paris. Since I wrote the first post I made a point of being out and keeping busy. I was out late one night and driving home and he called my phone and said he wanted to talk. We met and he said that he has missed me and having a hard time with the way things ended so quickly. I told him I loved him (mistake, I know). He told me that he is hurt and not sure how he feels and not sure if things will work out between us but he wants us to get "back together". I said I would like to see him again also. The next few days I saw him out and he was friendly but in a superficial kind of fake way.

 

I was friendly also. I had thought that we are seeing each other but I considered the relationship has taken steps back and we were starting over. Yesterday he stopped by my house 2 times that day unanounced (I work at home and also I live on his same street as he does). I was not comfortable with that as I don't want to be on "standby" for him as I feel since he does not know how he feels about me I should not be accessable to him at all times. I politlely asked him to please give me a quick call if he wanted to stop over. Well, the next day I get a note on my door that says "I can't see you anymore. I don't want to have to make an appointment to see you. Don't call or contact me ever again."

 

My thinking was if he does not know how he feels about me then we are just "dating" again and he does not have the right to show up at my door anytime he wants, expecially as we live on the same street!

What do I do now? Was I wrong to ask him to call me first? I can't move as I own this house. I also went on a date last night and enjoyed myself but I woke up this morning feeling sick about missing my ex.

I am not going to contact him but I feel very sad..

[Guest]

Hi there....after reading your problem...I feel really sorry for the way he is treating you. I am having a similar problem with my girl friend. Maybe the best way is to let go...but for me, if you love somebody like you love that guy, it's ALWAYS worth fighting for. If you think that too, you need to make him see what he is missing and make him realise where his love lies. I'm sorry I wasn't that helpful. Contact me if you need.

 

Thank you for your comments. It helps to know there are others out there going through the same thing. Actually it helps to re-read my own posts as I am getting clarity about things when I see them in writing.

I think I am worth a lot better treatment and won't settle for less - you should feel that way about yourself too! I am now thinking that if he did not like what I said to him he should have asked to discuss it with me. Leaving a stupid note like that was childish and I am sick of stupid games!

[vawarmspirit]

I found this forum while I was googling Blaise Harris. I brought his book and I need help. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. She has ADHD and needs constant attention. We got engaged a year and a half ago. She actually proposed to me twice with 2 engagement rings. She had an emotional affair shortly before she proposed the first time and we began counseling at our church. Counseling helped with our communication. Then she started another emotional affair that led to a one night stand. She believes that the fact that she was off of her ADHD meds may have contributed to this affair. Since she ended this affair about 8 months ago, we have been very happy. We have been planning our wedding and she has been very attentive. We have had some stress revolving around money issues and she just got her Masters degree, which was very stressful. But, I really thought that we were happy. I came home from work 4 weeks ago and found her shopping for wedding rings and watching a wedding planning show. We always leave love notes for each other and that same week she gave me a card that she made saying how much she loved me.

 

Then that weekend was her graduation. And that night we went to a club to celebrate. She got very tipsy and another woman hit on her. They exchanged phone numbers. We went home and made love. And then a couple of days later she started an affair with this woman. I found out and asked her to stop. But they kept calling each other and they went out a few times. Then one night she did not come home and they slept together. The next day she was very remorseful and proceeded to try to go on with our life as if nothing had happened. We are in the process of looking for a new place to live and she just went to look at this new place and then called me raving about how this could be our place. Well, I insisted that she tell this woman about me. And she said she would and that she loved me. We went to the club and she told this woman that she couldn't see her anymore, but then she rushed out and went home. I spoke with the other woman and it turns out that we know each other. She said that she thought that she recognized her from seeing us together at my graduation.

 

When I got home she was putting a post on her myspace page about how much I loved her and how much she loved me. The next day we went to the book store and brought some books about ADHD and romance. We have agreed to get individual and couples counseling. Well, a few days later she took the post off of her site and changed her status to single. We live together and she says that she wants to go to counseling to make things better. Last night we had a conversation and she said that she does not feel head over heels in love with me. And that's what she wants to feel. But she is still doing everything that we have always done. She wants to cuddle and kiss me good bye in the morning and she is still planning our vacation in March.

 

My heart is broken because I love her. I don't know what to do. No contact is not possible, because we live together. I am surrounded by a home full of beautiful memories. I find myself crying alot. And I know that the crying and constantly expressing how much I love her is not helping. She gave me a card the other day that says how sorry she is and that even though she can't erase all of the hurt, that she loves me. (you know one of those hallmark cards) But then she said that she doesn't love me, because she doesn't feel head over heels in love anymore. But, after 3 years of being together doesn't that "head over heels" feeling develop into something more substantial?

 

Does anyone have any advice? Is there hope for us?

 

Ayana