Love2share Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I'm dating this guy who says, when he gets married, he will always have friends (male and female, including ex's) who are private and separate from his wife. His wife doesn't need to know everything about who he's with and what he does when they aren't together. She will have to TRUST him with no questions asked. Is this the way marriage is? Any married people out there who have good marriages like this? I already know that I couldn't handle a marriage like this. But I want to know what your thoughts are and if I should reconsider my own. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I agree with the part about having separate friends. I think that's always a good idea. But the part about being private, seems a bit shady to me. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I agree with the part about having separate friends. I think that's always a good idea. But the part about being private, seems a bit shady to me. Yup...what she said. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I've got friends that my husband has yet to meet, but I share them with him by telling him about them – guy and girl friends. Ideally, your spouse shouldn't "hide" his friends from you, and there should be a certain amount of trust between the two of you that he isn't up to no-good with his friends, particularly those you've not met. however, what works for one couple might not for another Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Trust him with no questions asked? He'd have had to have proven that he's trustworthy first, and had to have earned my trust before I could do something like that. Having separate friends is fine, but if he means keeping secrets about who his friends are and where he is when he's not home, he's going to have a rude awakening when he gets married. Once he becomes part of a team, keeping information about who he is with and where he is while wifey is at home with the kids can only lead to DIStrust and suspicion about what he is hiding. Perhaps he's got some intimacy issues and can't imagine being that close with someone that he doesn't have to hide what he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Trust him with no questions asked? He'd have had to have proven that he's trustworthy first, and had to have earned my trust before I could do something like that. Having separate friends is fine, but if he means keeping secrets about who his friends are and where he is when he's not home, he's going to have a rude awakening when he gets married. Once he becomes part of a team, keeping information about who he is with and where he is while wifey is at home with the kids can only lead to DIStrust and suspicion about what he is hiding. Perhaps he's got some intimacy issues and can't imagine being that close with someone that he doesn't have to hide what he's doing. Rather than type out a lengthy response...I can see that norajane said it better than I could have. The only thing I would add is that if he thinks he can keep female friends a secret, then he is not ready for marriage nor a committed relationship. Then it goes both ways, he had better not be concerned if you go out with guy friends. Unfortunately or ironically, this kind of guy wants to be controlling of YOUR friends and privacy while keeping his privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 RE: Is this the way marriage is? No. But, surprisingly, for some couples out there this actually exists. Why would a sane woman ever want to get together with a man with such boundaries? None sense. Privacy in a marriage should be a shared territory, given both parties are compatible and trust is installed after-the-fact. A man choosing to enlist No Questions asked, is basically inflicting failure upon his love life. You might want to re-think about the man you are dating [ -and the relationship]. Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2share Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I think you all have good points. This whole conversation came up when he told me about a previous fiance who used to get into his business. Once, she checked his answering machine (at his home) and heard a seductive message from another female. She wanted to know who the female was. He didn't tell her. So she called the female back and discovered that he was cheating on her. I don't know why that girl checked the answering machine in the first place. But my boyfriend says she shouldn't have done that. She invaded his privacy. Now, he puts passwords and locks on everything. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 So she called the female back and discovered that he was cheating on her. I don't know why that girl checked the answering machine in the first place. But my boyfriend says she shouldn't have done that. She invaded his privacy. Now, he puts passwords and locks on everything. Yes, now he puts passwords and locks on everything in case he wants to cheat and hide it from you or whoever his current gf is. That's why he's so all-fired worried about his privacy - because he is NOT trustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Love2share Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I guess I wonder if he has something to hide. But he says his ex-fiance's invasion caused him not to trust woman anymore, including me. I don't snoop are anything like that. But in the past, my boyfriends never cared if I saw their personal things. One XBF actually let me read letters from his XGF's when I found them while he was remodeling his home. No big deal. I laughed at how mushy they were. He actually wanted to throw them away, but I told him to keep them for sentimental reasons. I keep my letters too. This guy I'm dating now...I don't know what to think sometimes. I want to trust him. But it's difficult because he won't share much of his life with me. I've known him for three years, we've been dating for 8 months. I haven't met any of his friends, and he only talks about one of them (a guy he works with). He also has a child whom I've never met. There is an XGF whom he casually mentioned to me when we met three years ago. When we started dating, he assured me that she is one of those friends who will ALWAYS be private, and separate from his wife. THIS is what makes me suspicious, eventhough I haven't witnessed anything. It makes me want to snoop and see if my suspicions are accurate. But I don't want to invade his privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Wow - he CHEATED on his ex. He has a child you've never met even though you've known him for 3 years. You've never met any of his friends though you've known him for 3 years. He keeps his life secret from you including his relationship with his ex. And you're worried about invading his privacy? Don't even bother. If he's not cheating on you now, he will be at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 From a guy, he is setting it up so that he can cheat if he isn't already. Trust requires open honesty. This means you are a part of every aspect of my life. Privacy is respecting boundaries not keeping secrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I'm all in favor of privacy but this guy is way off the deep end. I can't see how any marriage he's involved in would survive. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 That is not what a marriage is unless it's merely one of convenience. It sounds like it would be very convenient for him but what does that do for you. While he's out without his wife doing "what he does when they aren't together" he could be putting your life and health at risk by what he brings home with him. A good marriage requires mutuality. A bad marriage would be one with this selfish, willful jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
iron_m Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I'm dating this guy who says, when he gets married, he will always have friends (male and female, including ex's) who are private and separate from his wife. His wife doesn't need to know everything about who he's with and what he does when they aren't together. She will have to TRUST him with no questions asked. Is this the way marriage is? Any married people out there who have good marriages like this? I already know that I couldn't handle a marriage like this. But I want to know what your thoughts are and if I should reconsider my own. Privacy, OK. Secrecy BAD. The thing is where to draw the line. It sounds to me that his thing is more about keeping a secret than having privacy. What is so important that he can not share with his wife who his friends are. Sure that is healthy to keep friends and have time with them. But why ha has to be all that misterious? As for trust... it is much like respect, it can not be claimed, it has to be earned. JP Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 You've been dating him for 3 years and you have not met any of his friends? Right there, that is odd. To be honest you need to move on. His ex listens to his answering machine to find out that he was cheating and he turns it on her that "now" he can't trust anyone. What about his ex who he cheated on, she's the one who would have the "trust" issues. I would not trust him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Fly My Pretties Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Ummm, sorry but this guy is a typical cakeman. Stay with him and in ten years time you will be wondering how you can get you and your kids out of the marriage when yet another OW calls you. And this is obvious from one very simple comment on his part - a cakeman deflects his own guilt by blaming it on someone else. By saying his exGF was the one who was in the wrong is absurd. He says he can't trust women because of that? Erm, and why should women trust HIM if he was cheating? She shouldn't have been snooping? Yeah mate, well you shouldn't have been cheating, and I'm sure most people would rather their partner snooped than cheated. He's the kind of man who would burgle a house and then sue the owner if he tripped over the trash can on the way out. Run and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Flyin in Clouds Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 I'm dating this guy who says, when he gets married, he will always have friends (male and female, including ex's) who are private and separate from his wife. His wife doesn't need to know everything about who he's with and what he does when they aren't together. She will have to TRUST him with no questions asked. Is this the way marriage is? Any married people out there who have good marriages like this? I already know that I couldn't handle a marriage like this. But I want to know what your thoughts are and if I should reconsider my own. Uh, the guy is nuts. If a girlfriend told me that she'd be my ex-gf that instant. Is it OK with him if you have secret male friends that he doesn't know anything about, when you are with them or what you do with them? Or have male friends that he disapproves of? Marriage is about two people being with each other and sharing each other's lives. It's not about two roomates shacking up. If anything makes one partner uncomfortable then the other shouldn't be doing it. Period. If they aren't willing to make that sacrifice for their spouse's happiness and comfort then why on earth are they married? And I doubt my wife would like me going out with other women. Particularly one's she didn't know. And I know I wouldn't like her going out with men I didn't know. This guy is a cheater. RUN.... He'd probably end up being abusive too. Privacy in a marriage? Why? What part of what I do wouldn't I want to share with my wife? What part of her life wouldn't I want to be involved with. We are partners on this journey through life - together. Sorry, but this guy is a user and a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Sorry, but this guy is a user and a loser.much like the republican congress Link to post Share on other sites
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