Not that easy

[yousaveme]

This is more a venting then anything else.

 

I appericate the advise I have gotten from here. I have used some that applied and have tossed the other outs the window..

 

 

I cant understand why a BS feels the need to JOLT information down a current OW's throat...We are not dumb people. I know what I am involved in. I cry and I laugh. I know he is married and very unhappy. The only thing that brings him joy when he is home is his kids. Believe this if you want. He is there for his children. Not for her and she knows it and expects it.

 

I cant simply walk away from him. I cant pick up the phone and end it. I cant look at him and say goodbye. I love him , I really do. I know he loves me. He has proven it to me.

 

Everyone says why stay...Kick him to the curb...Well you know what why dont all the BS out there who say that. Why dont you kick your husband to the curb...Why dont you pick up the phone and say dont come home. We are over.

 

ah, is it because it isnt that easy.....Probably..

 

Well what makes you think it is any easier for the OW. You honestly think that if I didnt think he loved me I would put up with this crap. No i wouldnt.

 

But i know how i feel and how he feels and that makes me stay.

 

I know Im going to get my dues for this post but I needed to vent...

[Freedom Now]

Dear friend,

 

I have been where you are and I have walked in your shoes....

 

It is not easy to let go regardless of whether you are the OW or the BS. Emotions are hard to walk away from. I know, I have lived this. And it takes tremendous strength, I believe, to walk away from someone that you still love. Lord knows, it took me more than a few times to walk away from my xMM.

 

You get no judgment from me.

 

These situations are littered with anger and pain and betrayal and love and a whole host of emotions.....a true conundrum.

 

The only common ground between the BS and the OW, as I see it, is that these two women love the same man. It's pretty easy for me to see how neither woman can walk away when they both love him. Both have their lives wrapped up into future dreams with the same man.

 

These triangles are damaging and heartwrenching. And, yes, leaving is easier said than done.

 

But it is possible. I am proof of it. But, it takes a whole host of pain before a person walks away. And boy did I feel it....and then I walked away.

 

There are no easy fixes to these relationships. Easy answers, perhaps. But, putting into action what the head tells us to do is quite another story.

 

Peace to you, my friend.

 

FN

[noforgiveness]

How do you compare your little one year hidden secret fling with a marriage of years and years invested with homes finances 2.5 kids and a dog. How dare you.

 

You sound like a spoiled little child right now. I love him so you let go he's mine. How silly and selfish you sound. You have a lot of growing up to do.

 

Funny actually you said what you love most about him is what you are starting t hate. What is that his honesty? His integrity? His love for his children? Wake up. He's a liar. If he had any integrity or honesty he would not do this to you. Yes he loves his kids. He very well may love his wife.

 

You are his afternoon entertainment. You said he works at night so let's see his kids are in school, wife at work and he is bored. What did you meet at the gym? How cliche. Wake up and grow up little girl. Your fling dirty little secret does not compare to his 15 years of marriage and the two beautiful kids his wife has given him. Make him choose. You'll see, you'll lose.

 

But oh you love him so who cares about 15 years of history the wife needs to scrap all that so yousaveme can live happily ever after. Oh please I'm going to barf.

 

NOW YOU CAN ALL SAY THAT WAS RUDE. Enjoy. She needs to hear it before she is in this for another 5 years.

[quankanne]

vent away, that's what we're here for.

 

 

Everyone says why stay...Kick him to the curb...Well you know what why dont all the BS out there who say that. Why dont you kick your husband to the curb...Why dont you pick up the phone and say dont come home. We are over.

 

as a married woman, I'd like to share this observation: no matter how crappy things get with my spouse, I honestly believe that each and every day we make a choice to be married. Whether he's here because he willingly chooses to remain in this marriage, from from sheer laziness and not wanting to change the status quo, or because he believes it would hurt our families to divorce all this time, or because he's got 15 years invested in this adventure or he honestly feels this is where he's meant to be, he's chosen to be married another day. And so do I.

 

your lover may be miserable in his marriage, but every day that he remains married – even if it's just for the sake of the kids – he makes a conscious decision of making the relationship with his wife the priority in his life, even if he thinks it's okay to get a little something on the side.

 

just some food for thought ...

[noforgiveness]

Oh and hey yousaveme honey you have to give the wife a chance to let him go. TELL HER THE TRUTH. SHe will have his butt out so quick. YOUR mm needs to be HONEST with her so she CAN kick him to the curb. She thinks he is trying for the sake of the kids remember? That's what the liar told her and then he DUMPED you only to start up again when he felt it was safe. REMEMBER??

[Romeo Must Die]

YSM, it's very simple. You are what's keeping him from working on resolving his marriage. It's easier to keep you as his AP than it is to divorce her. You make his life very easy. Your MM is happy sitting on the fence and he will remain there until the end of time because MM are selfish that way. It's a fact.

 

Also, the "staying for the kids" line still isnt working for me. You say that alot and I'm sorry, but you sound really stupid every time you say that. It's implausable because nobody stays for the kids. As much as we really love our kids, it would be intolerable to stay in a house that is unhappy just for them.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

YSM you are a confused and distraught woman because you are caught up in a relationship that involves another woman. Its never going to change unless you do something about it. End the affair.

 

Love is not selfish. I let go of Romeo and gave him to OW on a silver platter and he came back because he couldn't live without me. I have prooved it over and over and over again. He was engaged to her for eleven days but I knew about it because he was with me & trying to get out of it.

 

[herenow]

Hey YSM, as you know, I try to see both sides of the fence when on this board. But, when I read your "challenge" to the BS here to "kick our husbands to the curb", it's clear that you are not paying attention to what most of us have said. Myself and a few others here immediately gave our husbands a swift kick in the ass the minute we found out about the OW. It was them that came crying and running back to us. I'm sure there are wives who beg their husbands to stay, but your not addressing them, you are addressing us.

 

Yes, it's that easy if you have enough self respect to not let someone treat you with such disrespect.

 

Sorry, but that's the truth.

[NoIDidn't]

Yousaveme,

 

I am not sorry that you are having a bad day. I am not glad about it either. Its just a matter of choices.

 

I have no problem with you venting either. That's what this board is for. Even if some flame you, you are always free to vent and tell the rest of us to eff off.

 

I agree with RMD though. You have made a mantra of "he's staying for the kids". Are you trying to convince yourself? Because I am not convinced. Of course, you can reply back that its not for me to be convinced, and that's true. But the more you say it, the more credibility you lose as a woman in love. It turns you into a woman clinging onto something that really is nothing. No one stays for the kids, alone. No one. If they can, they take them with them.

 

This guy has told you that he is staying for the kids. You bought it, or did you. He tells you he told his W the same. You claim that his W told you the same as well. Well, it seems you misinterpreted what she meant. She meant that she is working on it for the sake of the kids. At least that's the way that I see it.

 

Even if you tell his W, she may not believe you. Worst yet, he may be furious with you. So I wouldn't do that.

 

I am going to go on a limb and say that I don't think that he loves you either. At least not the way that you love him. This started out as a friends with benefits set up. I had one of those once. And the guys do catch some feelings, but for the most part they keep their previous objective. It benefits a man to have his FWB fall for him, because then she will become exclusively his and he won't have to work for it.

 

You have shed enough tears over this man and the EMR you are having with him. But to compare your reasons for hanging on to him to the W's is ridiculous. The only things that you have intertwined with him are a few body parts and some feelings. His W has much more than that. She has his children, who's well-being she is doing a much better job of protecting than he is. She probably has her name and his on numerous credit accounts (mortgage, credit cards, vacation clubs, etc.). You can't compare having a life with someone with having a relationship with someone. I have relationships with my neighbors, but I don't have a life with them.

 

Feelings are simply not enough, IMO, to keep putting up with all the tears you have shed. But vent away. Its good to do every now and then.

[herenow]

BTW, I have no problem with the wives that beg their husbands to stay, but your comment assumes that we all just accept the fact that we live with cheaters and do nothing about it.

 

I respect any woman that does whatever she can to save her marriage if that is what she chooses to do. That is her right as a married woman.

[NoIDidn't]

I respect any woman that does whatever she can to save her marriage if that is what she chooses to do. That is her right as a married woman.

 

I second that. No woman on the outside of my M is going to tell me what to do with it, even if I paid her for her advice.

 

She is his W. How can you, with a straight face, compare your year with her decade?

[Freedom Now]

I don't think she meant to flame anyone, I think, perhaps, she is trying to explain how HARD it is to walk away by stating that it is hard to walk away for even some BS's.

 

I understand her pain and the BS's pain. I think she just wanted everyone to understand that it is incredibly hard to walk away, even if it is the right thing to do. And she worded it in the manner to make the BS's feel how hard it would be for them, too, to "kick him to the curb."

 

But, perhaps since I come from the "other side of the fence" I can see that more clearly.

 

All valid points that the BS's are making, but I see that perhaps she hit a raw nerve without realizing it....

 

but now she does, I am sure.

[Romeo Must Die]

Here. I dug out OW's old letters from their hiding spot. Here is an exerpt.

 

2/15/05

 

(Romeo) started coming over and we became friend. (sp) He was telling me how much his life sucked and how much he hated you. How you ruined his life basically. He told me his relationship with (deceased son) wasn't that good, that they were to (sp) different people. He told me that your neice and nephew cause (sp) alot of problems. He told me he never wanted to marry you. That you got pregnant on purpose and he did the honorable thing and married you. He told me he never wanted children with you. He told me with all three children you were on the pill and you did it on purpose. Told me you were crazy and needed help. I believed everything (Romeo) said. He told me he could not stop coming over and that he had to see me. Ever (sp) where I went (Romeo) would show up and ask if we could talk. He would usually talk about you and tell me how you would never cook for him and the kids...

 

[HellenBack]

Whoooa girls, Savemenow really does believe the lies he tells her...it's obvious...is the fog that OW's claim the BS's are in?

 

Noforgiveness, Herenow, Romeo Must Die, you're all right.. How many BS on d-day, or soon after kicked Mr Cheater to the curb???? Raise your hand ladies. Lots and lots...and how many WS came crawling back or begged not to be kicked to the curb? Again ladies, raise your hands. On d-day after my WS puked his confession, I calmly and very nicely asked him if he wanted the OW. I assured him that there wouldnt be any trouble, he was free to go. No way did I want a man to stay with me for the kids and a man that didn't love me. Being an independent woman, with an education and career, earning as much my WS, he knew very well I would survive, he knew our kids would survive, as they aren't babies. He knew we lived in a no fault state, he wouldn't get raked over the coals in spousal support or property division...he was absolutely free to leave.

He didn't leave, he begged me to not kick him out, he begged forgiveness...just like I would guess 99% of the WS do.

 

Your dirty little fling as someone called it, can't be compared to a 15 yrs marriage. A marriage that has time, money, children, past and present invested. How dare you even say such a thing...totally digusting.

 

Now, while my FW was in the affair, he was an ugly man. I watched him change from loving, adoring, sweet, and genuine man to a monster...day by day it grew worse. No amount of talking to him did any good.... His problem was his guilt, remorse and internal justification for him being in an affair. His internal self allowed him to blame me for his unhappiness. He knew this during his outbursts, yet he couldn't stop it. He had to get it out and he certainly couldn't let the OW see that side of him. Once he puked the confession, got the big pink elephant off his back and out of our home...he was a change man.

 

While your MM might tell you that he has a horrible marriage, just know and realize this.. Your presence in his world is what's making him think his marriage is horrible. I bet he goes homes and yells at her, treats her like the maid and offers that once a week "mercy f*ck". In time, the wife starts thinking she deserves this treatment, especially when it goes on a long time and it's gradual. This is called emotional abuse. Is any of this familiar BS's??

 

Believe it or not, your presence controls him and how he acts. I bet if you ask any MM in an affair if they could fix their life and marriage right this minute, like magic, they would take you up on the offer. You are a big pink elephant in their livingroom, the MM see it, yet doesn't know really how to get it to move out...the BS doesn't have a clue that theirs a huge pink blob crapping all over her floors.

 

Be a big girl, be honest with yourself and everyone else..if his love is so true and good...then let the wife know just how much you love him and need him, so she can let him go. We'll see how fast the MM runs, hell, he will look like an Olympic sprinter. Just as the OW in our situation used threats to keep him there....planted that idea that I would find out about her...the big mouth kept it going but never was big enough to live up to her word...coward! Believe me, every MM that is sneaking around has that same fear hanging over his head...don't piss off the OW. You don't even have to threaten him, not once...he still has that in his head.

 

I feel sorry for you and all OW's that you can't see yourself as the emotionally bankrupt coward that you.

[norajane]

I cant understand why a BS feels the need to JOLT information down a current OW's throat...We are not dumb people. I know what I am involved in. I cry and I laugh. I know he is married and very unhappy. The only thing that brings him joy when he is home is his kids. Believe this if you want. He is there for his children. Not for her and she knows it and expects it.

 

Yes, but what about YOU????

 

That's the point of the jolt - you should consider your life and YOUR future instead of putting so much focus on HIM and HIS marriage and HIS children and HIS choices and HIS unhappiness and HIS joys and HIS wife and HIS arrangements...

 

From the outside looking in, it doesn't make rational sense for you to meekly accept his set of circumstances when you have nothing at all to look forward to ever. If he's not going to leave his wife, where does that leave you in the next year, 3 years, 5, 10?

 

Say what you will about why he stays in his marriage, but she's got him by the balls one way or another and he's not going anywhwere. Plenty of people divorce and have fine relationships with their kids. He can leave. He just won't.

 

Just because you love him, doesn't mean you can't be without him. People break up every day with people that they love but who aren't right for them for one reason or another. You can do it. You just won't.

[yousaveme]

Woman, I really wish you would read what I wrote. What was meant was it isnt eay just to walk away..Think you should know about that all to well.

 

You what to bring my sititution into this fine. Whatever. You want to go puke, go right ahead. What do you really have. Your Best Friend sat there cried on your husbands shoulder and god knows where else...And you know that to be true. Come on you actually expect everyone to believe she wasnt taking care of him as much as he was taken care of her. But if you want to believe that in your fairly land go right ahead....

 

I didnt say anything about kicking the husband to the curb so the OW could have them. What I said was you cant do it..For whatever reason doesnt mean it is any easier for the OW...

 

You have done nothing but come to this forum to vent your anger on stranger who you dont know call them names and whatever venom comes out of you. You have your own issues that you need to resolve. Go yell at the so called former BF of yours and if you and your husband want to make your marriage work. Go to therapy and face the real issues that caused or made him turn elsewhere. Thats if he really wants to and you do also...But maybe your here and acting the way you do because he doesnt want it to work and you know it. You havent given up at all with your attacks.

 

I am tired of you repeatedly taking words and twisting them. You have done it time and time again. Then you go run and hide behind the shadows and have everyone else going at eachother. You must get real pleasure out of it. Go face your issues and then maybe you can become something of a human being..

 

 

Sorry if that seems RUDE......

 

Why

 

How do you compare your little one year hidden secret fling with a marriage of years and years invested with homes finances 2.5 kids and a dog. How dare you.

 

You sound like a spoiled little child right now. I love him so you let go he's mine. How silly and selfish you sound. You have a lot of growing up to do.

 

Funny actually you said what you love most about him is what you are starting t hate. What is that his honesty? His integrity? His love for his children? Wake up. He's a liar. If he had any integrity or honesty he would not do this to you. Yes he loves his kids. He very well may love his wife.

 

You are his afternoon entertainment. You said he works at night so let's see his kids are in school, wife at work and he is bored. What did you meet at the gym? How cliche. Wake up and grow up little girl. Your fling dirty little secret does not compare to his 15 years of marriage and the two beautiful kids his wife has given him. Make him choose. You'll see, you'll lose.

 

But oh you love him so who cares about 15 years of history the wife needs to scrap all that so yousaveme can live happily ever after. Oh please I'm going to barf.

 

NOW YOU CAN ALL SAY THAT WAS RUDE. Enjoy. She needs to hear it before she is in this for another 5 years.

[noforgiveness]

lol i'm extremely happy right now. thank you. My husband more than wants me. He has more than thrown her under the bus.

 

I won't forgive her but i don't even care about her anymore. It's such a refreshing feeling too.

 

I don't have venom. I'm telling you like it is along with everyone else but you are too blind and trusting to believe that.

 

So be it. It's your life in the shadows. Enjoy it.

 

LMAO you told me i'm hiding in the shadows. That's too funny.

 

How many tears have you shed today over this man?

HE'S NOT WORTH IT and i think you're finally questioning that.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I don't think she meant to flame anyone, I think, perhaps, she is trying to explain how HARD it is to walk away by stating that it is hard to walk away for even some BS's.

 

I understand her pain and the BS's pain. I think she just wanted everyone to understand that it is incredibly hard to walk away, even if it is the right thing to do. And she worded it in the manner to make the BS's feel how hard it would be for them, too, to "kick him to the curb."

 

But, perhaps since I come from the "other side of the fence" I can see that more clearly.

 

All valid points that the BS's are making, but I see that perhaps she hit a raw nerve without realizing it....

 

but now she does, I am sure.

 

I think that this is exactly what she meant.

 

Also, the "staying for the kids" line still isnt working for me. You say that alot and I'm sorry, but you sound really stupid every time you say that. It's implausable because nobody stays for the kids. As much as we really love our kids, it would be intolerable to stay in a house that is unhappy just for them.

 

 

I was very unhappy for many years and stayed for my kids. In the case of my xMM, there is a very good chance his W would take his kids and leave the country. He is not ready to risk that...and I don't blame him.

[Freedom Now]

Oh please don't attack her yousaveme.

 

She is a HUMAN BEING and regardless of how you feel about her actions, she doesn't deserve to have her life smashed in her face.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and she is no exception.

 

Please have a little mercy on her. She is hurting. Certainly all of us can relate to that now, can't we?

[yousaveme]

What are you some stalker by the way...But like you advertise your name your "hiding .. and watching"....

 

You dont care yea okay...Im sure sometime in the middle of the night. You care...

 

Thrown her under the bus...was that the same bus he was driving when he was sneaking behind your back....

 

You seem happy. Happy people dont go around and spill the hatred you have.

 

Continue twisting words and stalking ....I guess everyone has something they are good at...Maybe you should add that to your resume...Sure satan is in the market for a new receptionist...

 

 

lol i'm extremely happy right now. thank you. My husband more than wants me. He has more than thrown her under the bus.

 

I won't forgive her but i don't even care about her anymore. It's such a refreshing feeling too.

 

I don't have venom. I'm telling you like it is along with everyone else but you are too blind and trusting to believe that.

 

So be it. It's your life in the shadows. Enjoy it.

[herenow]

OK YSM, I'll try again. You did say that it would be hard for us to let our husbands go. We said that we told our husbands to leave and they begged to stay. Facts are facts and I am personally offended as NF is that you are comparing your affair to the life that I have built with my husband.

 

Even with all that we had, when I found out that he was having an affair, it hurt more than anything I have every felt, but it was easy for me to ask him to leave. I, like others here, do not want to be married to a man that doesn't love me and would rather be with another woman. That would be true self torture.

[yousaveme]

But its okay for her to do it to others. Come on.. she has done this long enough...So because she is some BS..I have to listen to her B**S**t and watch her continuing attack people..

 

If she wants people to treat her with respect , she should try giving some. She hasnt done that once since she came here...

 

 

Oh please don't attack her yousaveme.

 

She is a HUMAN BEING and regardless of how you feel about her actions, she doesn't deserve to have her life smashed in her face.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and she is no exception.

 

Please have a little mercy on her. She is hurting. Certainly all of us can relate to that now, can't we?

[Freedom Now]

But its okay for her to do it to others. Come on.. she has done this long enough...So because she is some BS..I have to listen to her B**S**t and watch her continuing attack people..

 

If she wants people to treat her with respect , she should try giving some. She hasnt done that once since she came here...

 

I meant to say, "please don't attack yousaveme...."

 

I was speaking about you, sweetie.

 

Sorry for the typo.

[yousaveme]

To others that have posted:

 

I havent read the whole post as of yet..I go to one post who happen to be NF...which upset me...

 

I will read the entire thing in a moment...

 

All i meant was this: It isnt easy to let go of someone... BS and OW know this...I was venting that it seems the BS say it should be easy...to go NC...It isnt...Thats all i meant..

 

I did not mean so I could have "him"....

[yousaveme]

Its fine... Thanks

 

Typos happen....

 

I meant to say, "please don't attack yousaveme...."

 

I was speaking about you, sweetie.

 

Sorry for the typo.