Not that easy

[Freedom Now]

To others that have posted:

 

I havent read the whole post as of yet..I go to one post who happen to be NF...which upset me...

 

I will read the entire thing in a moment...

 

All i meant was this: It isnt easy to let go of someone... BS and OW know this...I was venting that it seems the BS say it should be easy...to go NC...It isnt...Thats all i meant..

 

I did not mean so I could have "him"....

 

I understood exactly what you were trying to say, but it appears that you have hit a nerve....

 

and yousaveme, I am sorry for your pain. I understand it very well....

[herenow]

I meant to say, "please don't attack yousaveme...."

 

I was speaking about you, sweetie.

 

Sorry for the typo.

 

I do usually show YSM respect, but I did find this post offensive. I'm sure that OW find it offensive when we challenge them, but yes we are all human and we all have feelings. I think this is a good place to talk about those feelings.

[Freedom Now]

I don't think she meant to offend at all. I think she was trying to make you BS's see that it is very difficult to walk away when you are in love with him.

 

I don't think she meant any harm at all.....

 

I think she is just hurting and wants you to understand that it just isn't easy to walk away. And it's not.

 

Right or wrong, it is still hard to do.

[serial muse]

Wow, these boards have become a hot nightmare recently.

 

Maybe it won't do any good for me to chime in too, but I guess I want to say something, from a former BS' perspective. I've been reading these boards for a long time now, although I don't post much anymore. I know they go through periodic breakdowns of civility, because no one comes here who isn't in a hell of a lot of pain. And I sympathize with the BS perspective, of course, having been through that ***** myself.

 

But, seriously, everyone. CHILL. For some reason, yousaveme's comments got blown WAY out of proportion. I really think she just meant to say it isn't easy for anyone in love to let go, and frankly, why would anybody bother to argue with that? I didn't see any deeper meaning in her original post.

 

That doesn't mean I agree with everything she's saying, or anything. I have no opinion on whether her MM truly loves her, because frankly I have no idea. Who really knows? Sure, I think that it's highly likely that he's lying to her about the nature of his relationship with his wife. (YSM, I know you've made multiple posts about why you think he isn't, including that his wife herself has "admitted" that she knows he loves you. I actually would interpret that whole scenario very, very differently, but that's a post for another time.)

 

Point is, however right or wrong her actions are and whatever anyone thinks of them, this particular post was just her way of saying stop telling me it's so easy because it isn't. Sure, I think she should make him put up or shut up. Sure, I think he's putting everyone through he!! because he's a selfish bastard. But that doesn't change the fact that it's really really hard to let go of someone you've invested a lot of time, pain, heartache, desperation, fear and, yes, love in - regardless of how you met. That seems to me like kind of an irrefutable point. Right?

 

I'm a little nervous about the turn these boards are taking, lately - I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing for BS to offer an alternate point of view - I mean, honestly, I do think OW go in with blinders on, they believe what they're told because they really, really want to, and they often demonize the wives because it's in their interest, and especially the MM's, to do so. That angers me, of course, because I was that wife, and you know what? I'm pretty cool. Anyway, everyone who sticks around here figures out eventually that priority one for MM/MW is to cover their asses, and I think that's a VERY useful lesson to take away.

 

However. What's with all the name-calling and incivility? I know the holidays are super stressful for everyone, but day-umn.

[pricillia]

I think that YSM did not mean to offend anyone all she is saying IMOP is that she is in love with her MM and Wife may be as well and it is no easier for OW to give up her MM then it is for Wife to give up her husband..

[herenow]

I don't think she meant to offend at all. I think she was trying to make you BS's see that it is very difficult to walk away when you are in love with him.

 

I don't think she meant any harm at all.....

 

I think she is just hurting and wants you to understand that it just isn't easy to walk away. And it's not.

 

But that's the thing, I don't agree. When someone treats me with such disrespect, why would it be so hard to let that go?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my husband and I were able to work things out, but it wasn't easy. We had problems in our marriage that took months to figure out, but it's worth it. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger now that it was before the affair. However, had he continued to talk to or have feelings for the OW, or if he felt that he no longer loved me, as much as it would have hurt, I would have walked away.

[Freedom Now]

And I HAVE walked away, but it is hard, especially if he keeps telling you how much he loves you. Right or wrong, that is what happens in some of these affairs. Most of these MM don't abandon the OW. It is up to the OW to decide if she can handle the situation any longer. And under those circumstances, whether anyone chooses to believe it or not, it is hard.

 

Yes, I walked away and it is incredibly, incredibly hard.

 

Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

But, I don't want to in any way offend anyone here. I just understand where she is coming from.

[serial muse]

But that's the thing, I don't agree. When someone treats me with such disrespect, why would it be so hard to let that go?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my husband and I were able to work things out, but it wasn't easy. We had problems in our marriage that took months to figure out, but it's worth it. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger now that it was before the affair. However, had he continued to talk to or have feelings for the OW, or if he felt that he no longer loved me, as much as it would have hurt, I would have walked away.

 

Well, I guess I can chime in here, too. Again, I reiterate that I am AGAINST affairs, I like things all out in the open and aired out, and I think it's short-sided to assume that a person will lie his ass off to one person but never, NEVER would he do it to you.

 

But. My exH did just that to me (and her) and we both found it hard to let go. He treated me with extreme disrespect, which time and perspective and a lot of healing have allowed me to see and recognize. At the time, it was highly embarrassing and painful in the EXTREME to think that I'd allowed myself to hang on when he wasn't fully committed to me, and to try to make it work with him. And yet, I desperately wanted him to.

 

Point is, I had plenty of trouble letting go - even after I already had, physically (by walking away). But that didn't happen immediately, and the pain lingered for a long, long time. It is NOT easy, and as much as I understand what all the BS on here are going through and are trying to say - come on, now. Of COURSE it's damned hard to let go. Why wouldn't it be? That doesn't mean it isn't better for her in the long run. It's just an acknowledgment that yeah, YSM - we know. It's pretty damned hard.

 

(But not impossible, and it can be quite fulfilling once you do it - many exOW on here can attest to that. )

[yousaveme]

Herenow....FN understands what I am saying...I hope you see that point..

 

Kicking to the curb goes both ways...I should do it...Because I am the OW...it isnt that easy...thats what i was saying...

 

As for those that say he should tell his wife...The man has told her what his feelings are for me...She admitted that she knows.

 

And im not trying to convince myself why he is staying I SEE IT...

 

 

 

 

 

But that's the thing, I don't agree. When someone treats me with such disrespect, why would it be so hard to let that go?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my husband and I were able to work things out, but it wasn't easy. We had problems in our marriage that took months to figure out, but it's worth it. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger now that it was before the affair. However, had he continued to talk to or have feelings for the OW, or if he felt that he no longer loved me, as much as it would have hurt, I would have walked away.

[kimi2362]

This is more a venting then anything else.

 

I appericate the advise I have gotten from here. I have used some that applied and have tossed the other outs the window..

 

 

I cant understand why a BS feels the need to JOLT information down a current OW's throat...We are not dumb people. I know what I am involved in. I cry and I laugh. I know he is married and very unhappy. The only thing that brings him joy when he is home is his kids. Believe this if you want. He is there for his children. Not for her and she knows it and expects it.

 

I cant simply walk away from him. I cant pick up the phone and end it. I cant look at him and say goodbye. I love him , I really do. I know he loves me. He has proven it to me.

 

Everyone says why stay...Kick him to the curb...Well you know what why dont all the BS out there who say that. Why dont you kick your husband to the curb...Why dont you pick up the phone and say dont come home. We are over.

 

ah, is it because it isnt that easy.....Probably..

 

Well what makes you think it is any easier for the OW. You honestly think that if I didnt think he loved me I would put up with this crap. No i wouldnt.

 

But i know how i feel and how he feels and that makes me stay.

 

I know Im going to get my dues for this post but I needed to vent...

 

 

I appreciate your honesty. And I just want to say...you are making it easy for him to tolerate his situation at home by being there for him. Very few men leave their wives. Extricate yourself. For your own sake...

[sadbuttrue]

ysm, i understand what you are saying. love is love, whether you are the OW or the W. an OW can love a man just as deeply as his W might love him. why is our (OW) love always made to be not as important? i understand there is more history with the W, but i really dont think you can say one love is not as strong as another because of this history. and it would be just as hard for us to walk away as the W, coming totally from a love perspective.

[norajane]

I agree that both OW and BS are going to find it very hard to let go, but that's true of ALL relationship where someone loves someone. It's always hard to let go.

 

Is it harder for an OW to let go or for someone who is in an abusive relationship? Is it harder for a BS to let go or for a long-term girlfriend who has children with a boyfriend who has become an alcoholic? Is it harder for OW or BS to let go or for a woman whose fiancee just slept with her maid of honor?

 

Does it matter? We tell them all the same thing: take a look at what you have, and take a look at what you don't have. Consider your best interests and act on them.

 

Should we stop telling people to leave when there's no other way to serving your best interests just because it's painful?

[pricillia]

How do you compare your little one year hidden secret fling with a marriage of years and years invested with homes finances 2.5 kids and a dog. How dare you.

 

You sound like a spoiled little child right now. I love him so you let go he's mine. How silly and selfish you sound. You have a lot of growing up to do.

 

Funny actually you said what you love most about him is what you are starting t hate. What is that his honesty? His integrity? His love for his children? Wake up. He's a liar. If he had any integrity or honesty he would not do this to you. Yes he loves his kids. He very well may love his wife.

 

You are his afternoon entertainment. You said he works at night so let's see his kids are in school, wife at work and he is bored. What did you meet at the gym? How cliche. Wake up and grow up little girl. Your fling dirty little secret does not compare to his 15 years of marriage and the two beautiful kids his wife has given him. Make him choose. You'll see, you'll lose.

 

But oh you love him so who cares about 15 years of history the wife needs to scrap all that so yousaveme can live happily ever after. Oh please I'm going to barf.

 

NOW YOU CAN ALL SAY THAT WAS RUDE. Enjoy. She needs to hear it before she is in this for another 5 years.

 

 

No need to be so mean here Noforgiveness, nobody treats you this way, so why do you feel it necessary to do it to someone who is in pain right now...

 

If you have to barf go right ahead...

 

Would somebody get me a bucket!

[Can'tGiveUp]

It seems to me that, in general, the OW posting in this forum are a heck of a lot more respectful in the responses than the BS are. When there have been questions or comments from any BS, the majority of the time, the OW respond honestly and with respect to the OP.

 

I would suggest that some of the BS reread YSM's OP. She is merely saying that people repeatedly spout the same advice (walk away) and she is saying that while it is easy for the advisors to say that, the reality is that it is very difficult to do. For anyone, OW or BS.

 

The responses to her post seem to be attacks on her for not walking away. With suggestions that her feelings aren't as valid as the BS simply because she hasn't been with him for as many years.

 

With all honesty, the end of my A is way more painful for me than the end of my M was.

 

A little bit of the compassion that is shown to the BS's that post wouldn't go amiss here.

[serial muse]

I agree that both OW and BS are going to find it very hard to let go, but that's true of ALL relationship where someone loves someone. It's always hard to let go.

 

Is it harder for an OW to let go or for someone who is in an abusive relationship? Is it harder for a BS to let go or for a long-term girlfriend who has children with a boyfriend who has become an alcoholic? Is it harder for OW or BS to let go or for a woman whose fiancee just slept with her maid of honor?

 

Does it matter? We tell them all the same thing: take a look at what you have, and take a look at what you don't have. Consider your best interests and act on them.

 

Should we stop telling people to leave when there's no other way to serving your best interests just because it's painful?

 

Not sure who this is directed at, but since I was one of the people saying that I think leaving anyone is hard, I'll reply.

 

Basically, I agree with you NJ. I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with BS posting here and offering their insights from another point of view - a point of view that is undoubtedly hard for OW to hear, for a number of reasons.

 

But, in specific reference to THIS thread, I just don't see the point in going off half-cocked and jumping down someone's throat for writing something they didn't, in fact, write. My primary point is, posting things that are borderline and could get people banned because they're full of hot emotion and aren't taking a moment to breathe and read what's really being written isn't going to do ANYONE any good.

 

As for this:

 

It seems to me that, in general, the OW posting in this forum are a heck of a lot more respectful in the responses than the BS are. When there have been questions or comments from any BS, the majority of the time, the OW respond honestly and with respect to the OP.

 

I would suggest that some of the BS reread YSM's OP. She is merely saying that people repeatedly spout the same advice (walk away) and she is saying that while it is easy for the advisors to say that, the reality is that it is very difficult to do. For anyone, OW or BS.

 

The responses to her post seem to be attacks on her for not walking away. With suggestions that her feelings aren't as valid as the BS simply because she hasn't been with him for as many years.

 

With all honesty, the end of my A is way more painful for me than the end of my M was.

 

A little bit of the compassion that is shown to the BS's that post wouldn't go amiss here.

 

In this particular thread, I generally agree. Although I'd like to think my post was actually compassionate. (YMMV)

 

However, in these boards as a whole, this is just not true. I've read lots of venom from BOTH sides. And I've seen plenty of calm, pleasant posts as well. I know it's an emotional topic and of course the two sides disagree. But I guess I'm just afraid people are going to get lost in the shuffle here, unless we can all take the tone down a notch or two.

[puddleofmud]

I feel that YSM is doing her best to think/ analyze via venting about what is going in in HER LIFE. If she were not she would not be posting here about her situation as well as many others who have been forthright and honest about their feelings.

For that one should cut her a break even if one does not feel in a place to coddle or if one feels in a place to disagree or any place in between.

There are times when shoving the iron fist of morality (or the results of one's own CRAP) does not WORK. Does it look like that is "working" on this thread? Is anyone feeling better now?

I doubt it!

I am going to state something in a very even tone: why does one need to feed on the misery, mistakes and/ or mis-fortune of another if one feels so confident about themselves?

If one feels boded to promote awareness than one could do better by doing so in a civil manner. Attacks are immediately shed and rarely considered with an open mind.

PERHAPS one could sincerely state that one would like to share what has happened to them as an offering of concern of what could happen to another. As in "this is what happened to ME and this is how I FEEL".

And not "this is what happened to ME, thus this is how I feel about YOU".

Take the "YOU" out of it and be objective, please, I beg everyone.

Personally, I am distressed due enough my situation and I wish to share my feelings with others in a safe place.

Be AWARE that others may do the same and may not be so level within themselves and that attacks may render them less than functional at best and at the very worse, spur someone to do something regretful or even as drastic as suicide.

These are very emotional issues and everyone has a right to their pain, their expressions and their seeking relief.

Let's all take care as to HOW we respond. One never knows what one is going through.

I shan't apologize for the Soap Box though I do apologize for hi-jacking the thread w/ said "lecture".

[Can'tGiveUp]

 

In this particular thread, I generally agree. Although I'd like to think my post was actually compassionate. (YMMV)

 

However, in these boards as a whole, this is just not true. I've read lots of venom from BOTH sides. And I've seen plenty of calm, pleasant posts as well. I know it's an emotional topic and of course the two sides disagree. But I guess I'm just afraid people are going to get lost in the shuffle here, unless we can all take the tone down a notch or two.

 

My comments were not directed at your response...

 

As for the respectful responses to BS posts, there have been a few posts in the recent past where there have been some questions that were answered by OW very openly and honestly with little hostility. (In general again...) I couldn't have responded to some of them based on how they were worded...the old "knee-jerk" reaction!

[puddleofmud]

You have every right to use or not use any advice received! It is to your credit that you care to ask, that you care to discover and that you care to listen and apply or not apply.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated and hurting. You are doing your best to deal w/ your situation.

Personally, I am really SUCKING w/ mine as well so you have a kind ear w/ me.

It is up to you as to how you feel about how much you can deal with.

YOU are the only one who knows where that begins and ends!

Vent all you like, dear!

Hugs to you!

 

 

This is more a venting then anything else.

 

I appericate the advise I have gotten from here. I have used some that applied and have tossed the other outs the window..

 

 

I cant understand why a BS feels the need to JOLT information down a current OW's throat...We are not dumb people. I know what I am involved in. I cry and I laugh. I know he is married and very unhappy. The only thing that brings him joy when he is home is his kids. Believe this if you want. He is there for his children. Not for her and she knows it and expects it.

 

I cant simply walk away from him. I cant pick up the phone and end it. I cant look at him and say goodbye. I love him , I really do. I know he loves me. He has proven it to me.

 

Everyone says why stay...Kick him to the curb...Well you know what why dont all the BS out there who say that. Why dont you kick your husband to the curb...Why dont you pick up the phone and say dont come home. We are over.

 

ah, is it because it isnt that easy.....Probably..

 

Well what makes you think it is any easier for the OW. You honestly think that if I didnt think he loved me I would put up with this crap. No i wouldnt.

 

But i know how i feel and how he feels and that makes me stay.

 

I know Im going to get my dues for this post but I needed to vent...

[yousaveme]

I think my whole point of this theard was thrown out the window...And only a few people saw what I was truly saying .

 

It seems the others saw that I was a OW and took the lead of what one person twisted and wanted it to come out to be....

[yousaveme]

Thank you ....And thanks to everyone who saw what i meant...

 

You have every right to use or not use any advice received! It is to your credit that you care to ask, that you care to discover and that you care to listen and apply or not apply.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated and hurting. You are doing your best to deal w/ your situation.

Personally, I am really SUCKING w/ mine as well so you have a kind ear w/ me.

It is up to you as to how you feel about how much you can deal with.

YOU are the only one who knows where that begins and ends!

Vent all you like, dear!

Hugs to you!

[sadbuttrue]

ysm, i understand you

[yousaveme]

Thanks...

 

ysm, i understand you

[pricillia]

I think my whole point of this theard was thrown out the window...And only a few people saw what I was truly saying .

 

It seems the others saw that I was a OW and took the lead of what one person twisted and wanted it to come out to be....

 

 

No, do not take it, There are many of us that understand what you are saying. we are women first we love first that is our job... It is hard for anyone who loves another to just walk away especially if the relationship is a good one.

 

What I to not care for are the condensending words like

OH honey....

and I do not see the relationship that YSM has with MM like a tug of war I do not see her acting like a spoiled little brat, so stop with the name calling already.

[sadbuttrue]

Thanks...

 

you are very welcome. it is good to have somewhere to go where people understand all the pain and tears

[Buttaflyy]

not impossible. I have so much to say, probably some of what has already been said (I haven't read the other posts) but, as briefly as possible I will tell you why I feel so strongly about this....

 

I have been where you are. I have loved a man who was with another and could not exclusively be with me. I didn't know at first and I have to tell you that by the time I found out, leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I loved him THAT much! And I know for a fact that he is STILL in love with me. I pined over him for 5 years even though I'd been in relationships with, or have dated other men. Our relationship, our bond was that strong.

 

I came to accept the fact that sometimes, it just can't be. Sometimes you can not get what you want. I loved him so much, but I loved me that much more. I couldn't deal with the fact that I was ever lied to by him. I couldn't deal with the fact that he was spending time with, let alone living with another woman. He said, (and I believed) that they weren't intimate. They had children, a home, and all the other things that go with a marraige and she was not trying to let him go. For whatever reason, he did not choose me. Instead, I was left with a choice to continue with things the way they were or leave (he never presented the latter to me of course). For me, there was no choice presented there. I was not happy with the relationship since I found out about his W. I was not happy for a while afterward leaving it, but I knew that if I stayed, I'd be accepting that I won't find true happiness again while I was with him. I was tormented by the fact that there was someone else there and I'd been loyal to him. I had no choices so I did what I had to.

 

Now I'm with a man that can make me happy. He, on the other hand is still trying to make me miserable with what "could have been". I don't care about any of that anymore.

 

My reasoning is that I am not a BS, nor am I a OW per se. But, I've been there and I want to be a W one day. I just hope that if GOD forbid, I'd be on the other side of things, the OW in that situation would do what I did if only to save herself heartache and misery. How would I deal with my H? I don't know. I say that because marriage is just THAT serious and sacred to me. I believe that any crisis that should arrive should at least been given a try to be fixed. Sometimes, even that is not meant to be.