Not that easy

[Buttaflyy]

I went back and started reading the thread, I almost started this post by saying that I regret posting here because of all the bitterness here. Actually, when I think about it, I see that alot of these posts are similar. I hope you can find something here that you can relate to YSM.

 

As I think FreedomNow said, we are women first. No matter what side we are on we are loving beings FIRST. Love is what brought us all here for one reason or another. We should all remember that thin line between love and hate. This subject is bordering on that line, no matter what side of the fence you are on, you are harboring love for someone in this situation. When I see the bitterness, I see the resentment because that same someone you love has caused you pain. If we could channel that bitterness towards THEM then I think we'd all be able to step ahead and move foward.

[pricillia]

Butafly, yes I am glad you posted here inspite of the negativity, it is uncalled for.

 

We have to remember yes we are women first. Most men stick toghether and support eachother we should be able to do the same.

[Marielle]

YSM

Me too I understand you, and totally relate to your story (kind of similar to mine, except he hasn t told her)

 

Please keep posting, I like your posts, I actually look forward for them, lol!!!!

:bunny:

[stillhere]

Wow, these boards have become a hot nightmare recently.

 

Maybe it won't do any good for me to chime in too, but I guess I want to say something, from a former BS' perspective. I've been reading these boards for a long time now, although I don't post much anymore. I know they go through periodic breakdowns of civility, because no one comes here who isn't in a hell of a lot of pain. And I sympathize with the BS perspective, of course, having been through that ***** myself.

 

But, seriously, everyone. CHILL. For some reason, yousaveme's comments got blown WAY out of proportion. I really think she just meant to say it isn't easy for anyone in love to let go, and frankly, why would anybody bother to argue with that? I didn't see any deeper meaning in her original post.

 

That doesn't mean I agree with everything she's saying, or anything. I have no opinion on whether her MM truly loves her, because frankly I have no idea. Who really knows? Sure, I think that it's highly likely that he's lying to her about the nature of his relationship with his wife. (YSM, I know you've made multiple posts about why you think he isn't, including that his wife herself has "admitted" that she knows he loves you. I actually would interpret that whole scenario very, very differently, but that's a post for another time.)

 

Point is, however right or wrong her actions are and whatever anyone thinks of them, this particular post was just her way of saying stop telling me it's so easy because it isn't. Sure, I think she should make him put up or shut up. Sure, I think he's putting everyone through he!! because he's a selfish bastard. But that doesn't change the fact that it's really really hard to let go of someone you've invested a lot of time, pain, heartache, desperation, fear and, yes, love in - regardless of how you met. That seems to me like kind of an irrefutable point. Right?

 

I'm a little nervous about the turn these boards are taking, lately - I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing for BS to offer an alternate point of view - I mean, honestly, I do think OW go in with blinders on, they believe what they're told because they really, really want to, and they often demonize the wives because it's in their interest, and especially the MM's, to do so. That angers me, of course, because I was that wife, and you know what? I'm pretty cool. Anyway, everyone who sticks around here figures out eventually that priority one for MM/MW is to cover their asses, and I think that's a VERY useful lesson to take away.

 

However. What's with all the name-calling and incivility? I know the holidays are super stressful for everyone, but day-umn.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for this. As a BS, you know all too well the pain that the OW/MM situation can cause. You were very respectful, and no one made it a point to thank you, so i am.

 

I mostly lurk on this board now, since i'm sick of all the name calling and the personal attacks. Some BS (such as yourself) are respectful, but there is a handful who are not. Because i don't feel like getting into a p*ssing match daily, i post sporadically, and i don't share my story anymore.

 

This is a very emotional subject. This still doesn't give anyone the right to be outright cruel and condescending, and to twist words in their favor so they can abuse others.

 

This forum: The Other Man / Woman, The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner, is for OW/OM to come to and vent, to seek SUPPORT!!! I don't believe it says anything about harrassment every time a certain individual posts, or for BS's to come here and berate the OW/OM.

 

These women and men need compassion, and sometimes a "healthy" kick in the butt. Telling us we are the scum of the earth, losers, whores, homewreckers, or any other degrading name you can think of, will not make us understand the "other side" of the story.

 

If the BS's who continually spit venom want to be heard, and not battled with, then lighten up with your attitudes. I don't think they want to be heard though, they're just out looking for a cyber cat fight, because they can't take it out on the one person that they would like to.

[frannie]

Whoooa girls, Savemenow really does believe the lies he tells her...it's obvious...is the fog that OW's claim the BS's are in?

 

'The fog' is something from Marriage Builders (a site for re-making a marriage after an affair). 'The fog' is what envelopes MM's brain making him engage in an affair (or something of that sort): nothing to do with OW's opinion of MM.

 

If you read on the Infidelity and other sites of this board you'll see more about the theory.

[frannie]

How many BS on d-day, or soon after kicked Mr Cheater to the curb???? Raise your hand ladies. Lots and lots...and how many WS came crawling back or begged not to be kicked to the curb? Again ladies, raise your hands. On d-day after my WS puked his confession, I calmly and very nicely asked him if he wanted the OW. I assured him that there wouldnt be any trouble, he was free to go. No way did I want a man to stay with me for the kids and a man that didn't love me. Being an independent woman, with an education and career, earning as much my WS, he knew very well I would survive, he knew our kids would survive, as they aren't babies. He knew we lived in a no fault state, he wouldn't get raked over the coals in spousal support or property division...he was absolutely free to leave.

He didn't leave, he begged me to not kick him out, he begged forgiveness...

 

I'm not surprised at all. Telling the WS that you're happy to see them go, and not causing any drama at all is one of the 'plans' that are given to BSs if they want to get their husband back in the fold when he says he wants a divorce. And yes, it does work. Which is why it's suggested.

 

It doesn't surprise me at all that your H begged you to take him back. Many men want a marriage AND an affair. And your H obviously didn't want anything to do with the OW in his case, so why would he leave? She has behaved really badly and I don't blame him at all for begging you to take him back.

[frannie]

But its okay for her to do it to others. Come on.. she has done this long enough...So because she is some BS..I have to listen to her B**S**t and watch her continuing attack people..

 

If she wants people to treat her with respect , she should try giving some. She hasnt done that once since she came here...

 

YSM I'm sure most people understood the meaning in your OP. Some people just go blindly rushing in to make their point/vent or whatever it is at any opportunity. People who post full of venom wrapped up as 'telling it like it is' and 'tough love' and as you say with no respect for others... well it's obvious who they are, and why they're here. So don't fret it.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the 'advice' coming from certain quarters: the usual thing, take what seems useful and ignore the rest. And please don't get yourself banned from the site because of responding on the same level as other people. Poking to get a reaction is some people's idea of a great day on the boards. It really means nothing in the vast scheme of things. Chin up.

[frannie]

I feel that YSM is doing her best to think/ analyze via venting about what is going in in HER LIFE. If she were not she would not be posting here about her situation as well as many others who have been forthright and honest about their feelings.

For that one should cut her a break even if one does not feel in a place to coddle or if one feels in a place to disagree or any place in between.

There are times when shoving the iron fist of morality (or the results of one's own CRAP) does not WORK. Does it look like that is "working" on this thread? Is anyone feeling better now?

I doubt it!

I am going to state something in a very even tone: why does one need to feed on the misery, mistakes and/ or mis-fortune of another if one feels so confident about themselves?

If one feels boded to promote awareness than one could do better by doing so in a civil manner. Attacks are immediately shed and rarely considered with an open mind.

PERHAPS one could sincerely state that one would like to share what has happened to them as an offering of concern of what could happen to another. As in "this is what happened to ME and this is how I FEEL".

And not "this is what happened to ME, thus this is how I feel about YOU".

Take the "YOU" out of it and be objective, please, I beg everyone.

Personally, I am distressed due enough my situation and I wish to share my feelings with others in a safe place.

Be AWARE that others may do the same and may not be so level within themselves and that attacks may render them less than functional at best and at the very worse, spur someone to do something regretful or even as drastic as suicide.

These are very emotional issues and everyone has a right to their pain, their expressions and their seeking relief.

Let's all take care as to HOW we respond. One never knows what one is going through.

I shan't apologize for the Soap Box though I do apologize for hi-jacking the thread w/ said "lecture".

 

Don't apologise, I thought this was a great post.

 

There is also the sticky thread at the top of the forum which lays down guildlines about being respectful and supportive in posting on this board. No one is saying you have to condone affairs or pussy-foot around in responding, but some sh*t-throwing on here is getting way out of hand recently.

[Romeo Must Die]

Whats the matter guys? You didn't like Romeo's alter ego? No response? Don't you believe he had a personality that was split into two seperate characters when he had his affair? Are you really going to sit here and claim that your cheating MM is different and that your MM is not the same as every other liar, bullsh*it, ass*hole my FWS was (and more than half the others were) when he was a cheating MM? Or are you just so selfish, and too self-centered to believe that it's really happening to you too?

 

YSN's post/vent was not directed at the BS here, it was meant indirectly towards the BS at HOME, in real life. She's just taking it out on us. She's just getting cranky because it's only the one BS that keeps her apart from her MM night after night after night. This affair has made her mental in the head and she knows it. I know it & you all know it too. It's a fact. I look at her posts and wonder to myself all the time, WTF? Is she a deludinoid? Staying just for the kids? Buying them iPod bling? Why? So you can buy their affections and lock them in the basement later? It's only a matter of time before you begin to resent them too. Wait n' see.

 

Let me give you a prediction for 2007. She is going to break down again soon, it is just simply a matter of time. The signs are already there, and if she decidedly wants to blow them off, then so be it. It's messed up (read hopeless) but she continues persuing it because she chooses to. She is sheltered, self centered & she wants it all. That is by her own choice. It's free will baby.

 

YSM I have no respect for you. If I had any hope for you at all, it is gone. You are turning into my OW, little by little, day by day. You are obsessive and controlling, thinking you can manipulate someone elses life by remote control. Obsessing over me, aka the BW, and wondering why do I control him, and why does he allow it? Whine Whine. What does it meeean? Gee, I wonder. lol.

 

And stupid (foolish, trusting) me, I thought you were sweet and good natured, but that's just an act, something that you want people to believe about you. You can post another year (more or less) until another D-day arrives and your a hundred times worse off than you are now and I wont feel an ounce of pity for you. You just want to run your own BS into the ground and everybody else (like the BS) that has tried to help you. Thats a fact.

 

As for the others complaining this is an OW support board (and those who also post in infidelity) what do you think this is? BS and xOW who are here, helping you from their own experiences telling you straight out how the game is played. You dont hear anything at all from the married OW who have made it do ya? Hello, where are they at?

 

You may not like to admit it, but you want to live in a *fog* of your own and bellieve that if a man cheats, the wife should divorce him because YOU ARE COUNTING ON THAT TO HAPPEN. Your happiness depends on that. That isn't just selfish it is immoral, as evil as in thought as in the deed itself. MM has you so corrupted and your own selfish character has purchaced you a ride on this train. It is a self-created & personally customized hell you have designed for yourself and you can just rot in it for all that I care.

 

[noforgiveness]

This forum: The Other Man / Woman, The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner, is for OW/OM to come to and vent, to seek SUPPORT!!! I don't believe it says anything about harrassment every time a certain individual posts, or for BS's to come here and berate the OW/OM.

 

These women and men need compassion, and sometimes a "healthy" kick in the butt. Telling us we are the scum of the earth, losers, whores, homewreckers, or any other degrading name you can think of, will not make us understand the "other side" of the story.

 

If the BS's who continually spit venom want to be heard, and not battled with, then lighten up with your attitudes. I don't think they want to be heard though, they're just out looking for a cyber cat fight, because they can't take it out on the one person that they would like to.

 

This I just don't get. I think you must interpret this about yourselves. I do NOT see the name calling anywhere. I'm the one that got the brunt of the OW venom so let's examine my name calling shall we. I told ysm that she was sounding like a spoiled child and had some growing up to do. Where exactly is the name calling?

 

Maybe it is your own self esteem and your thoughts interpreting the message.

[yousaveme]

SM - Thank you for your post...

 

RMD- I am not obessed with the BW in my situtation. The post was not meant in the direction it went it....But your OP is just that your OP. You dont know me as a person. You have no clue what goes on in my day to day life. Which is not surrounded by the MM. I have a successful business that is filled with stress. When I vent, I vent. I should be able to get things off my chest just like anyone else. If you have in fact read any of my post you would have seen I am respectful and I do care about the situtation on both sides of the fence. You would also see my guilt. But I guess there is no more talking about that. I am not and have not looked for pity. My decision is exactly the my decision.

 

Frannie and SH - I wanted to thank you also...

 

I know I probably have let some things out or people and I do apologize.

[Romeo Must Die]

Which I now see as an act and you conform to others 'respectfully' as cammoflage. Typical. Maybe you don't mean to be this way, but it's only a matter of time before you reveal yourself. Look at what you turned into when the pressure is on, it speaks volumes of your character.

 

A lady can be smart in the professional world and a big dummy when it comes to men. Especially married men. I was a trusting fool once too, but not no more. See, once you cross that bridge, you can't ever go back. All innocence is lost in an extramarital affair. We are telling you things based on truth and experience and you want to shut it down, then that is the choice you make. That is the illusion you want to believe, but when the smoke clears I wont be here. This is my absolutely last post to you, ever. Don't PM me anymore either. I will not respond.

 

The writing is on the wall, YSM. Have you ever heard of that saying, you are writing checks your ass can't cash?

 

Now, you could end this on your own terms, but you want to persue it to the bitter end and that is your choice. It is free will. That is the only truth. It will show you in the end that you truthfully chose to live a lie. Don't expect BS or MM to end a decades long marriage for you. There is simply no comparison. You are living on borrowed time.

 

You are a business woman? Make a balance sheet of the pros and cons and see what you are getting is a sh*itty deal and you will bankrupt yourself. You compromised your professional ethic to gain profits that didn't exist.

 

[yousaveme]

Same goes for you lady.. Take that whatever way you want....But I hope you get the meaning of it...

 

 

Which I now see as an act and you conform to others 'respectfully' as cammoflage. Typical. Maybe you don't mean to be this way, but it's only a matter of time before you reveal yourself. Look at what you turned into when the pressure is on, it speaks volumes of your character.

 

A lady can be smart in the professional world and a big dummy when it comes to men. Especially married men. I was a trusting fool once too, but not no more. See, once you cross that bridge, you can't ever go back. All innocence is lost in an extramarital affair. We are telling you things based on truth and experience and you want to shut it down, then that is the choice you make. That is the illusion you want to believe, but when the smoke clears I wont be here. This is my absolutely last post to you, ever. Don't PM me anymore either. I will not respond.

 

The writing is on the wall, YSM. Have you ever heard of that saying, you are writing checks your ass can't cash?

 

Now, you could end this on your own terms, but you want to persue it to the bitter end and that is your choice. It is free will. That is the only truth. It will show you in the end that you truthfully chose to live a lie. Don't expect BS or MM to end a decades long marriage for you. There is simply no comparison. You are living on borrowed time.

 

You are a business woman? Make a balance sheet of the pros and cons and see what you are getting is a sh*itty deal and you will bankrupt yourself. You compromised your professional ethic to gain profits that didn't exist.

 

[Guest]

One theme I often read from this board and especially this thread is the emphasis of the length/years of a marriage as a reason to tell the OW to give up MM. I absolutely agree that, *with all other things being equal*, the longer a marriage, the more solid it is etc... But I would like to ask:

 

Is a situation *possible* where the love between a MM and an OW, who have known each other for only 1-2 years, is deeper than the love between this MM and his wife to whom he has been married for a decade or more?

 

Is it *possible* that two people who have been married to each other for 10 years, 20 years, do not really love each other?

 

Is it *possible* that a wife in a marriage of many years is not terribly emotionally attached to and dependent upon her husband?

(Attention: I'm not saying "financially dependent". I think that to use financial dependency as an excuse for keeping a dead marriage is absurd.)

 

What is more important--the quality or the quantity (length) of a marriage? Does quantity always equate the quality?

[noforgiveness]

Same goes for you lady.. Take that whatever way you want....But I hope you get the meaning of it...

 

 

Yes the class is just shining through in this thread.

[lovernotafighter]

This I just don't get. I think you must interpret this about yourselves. I do NOT see the name calling anywhere. I'm the one that got the brunt of the OW venom so let's examine my name calling shall we. I told ysm that she was sounding like a spoiled child and had some growing up to do. Where exactly is the name calling?

 

Maybe it is your own self esteem and your thoughts interpreting the message.

 

 

'A viper crushed beneath you foot but left alive, will rear up and bite you with a double dose of venom'

 

I'm not saying your a angry poisonous snake from the fable NF I am just saying you are sounding like one.

 

Yes the class is just shining through in this thread.

yes, your trailer park is showing

[noforgiveness]

'A viper crushed beneath you foot but left alive, will rear up and bite you with a double dose of venom'

 

I'm not saying your a angry poisonous snake from the fable NF I am just saying you are sounding like one.

 

 

yes, your trailer park is showing

 

 

ah yes sounding like a venomous snake. I agree. The truth is a poison to you that you do not want to hear. You justkeep telling YSM that it will be ok though. That's good. Let her heart be ripped out for another few years. I'm sure it probably gives you pleasure. You thrive off of peoples misery while disguising yourself in user name after username.

 

I find it sad that people can be so insecure that they need multiple usernames. They can't even be honest with themselves and be a single person on an annonymous message board. Very sad.

[lovernotafighter]

ah yes sounding like a venomous snake. I agree. The truth is a poison to you that you do not want to hear. You justkeep telling YSM that it will be ok though. That's good. Let her heart be ripped out for another few years. I'm sure it probably gives you pleasure. You thrive off of peoples misery while disguising yourself in user name after username.

 

I find it sad that people can be so insecure that they need multiple usernames. They can't even be honest with themselves and be a single person on an annonymous message board. Very sad.

Ive always been LNF...but if it helps you sleep at night to think I am many others then so be it.

 

but have you ever seen a dog with 2 heads NF? it does not live. take what that means for what its worth.

[noforgiveness]

Ive always been LNF...but if it helps you sleep at night to think I am many others then so be it.

 

but have you ever seen a dog with 2 heads NF? it does not live. take what that means for what its worth.

You need help.

[Freedom Now]

It know LNF personally. She has always been LNF and used no other user names. She has been around here for a long, long time.

 

Just my two cents.

[noforgiveness]

It know LNF personally. It is true, she has always been LNF and no one else.

 

Just my two cents.

 

yes and her stalking and attacks began on me when ms. multiple personality was found out.

[yousaveme]

Dont Throw Stones When You Yourself Live In A Glass House..

 

Stalking Seems To Be A Profession For Somepeople

[noforgiveness]

Dont Throw Stones When You Yourself Live In A Glass House..

 

Stalking Seems To Be A Profession For Somepeople

 

 

Don't be so vain. I do not stalk you. I basically ignore you until i see you going off the deep end again over this married piece of crap with kids you have that enjoys his afternoon delights.

[lovernotafighter]

yes and her stalking and attacks began on me when ms. multiple personality was found out.

 

IP address's are easily found NF and banished as such if multiple accounts are created and I am certain if you asked the mods to look into this idea of yours they could tell you that's not the case.

 

and for the record I have yet to attack you.

 

 

You need help.

 

since you are free with your unflappable advice NF what kind of help exactly do I need?

 

you once told me you were happy you hit my nerves...

 

can you be as instrumental in providing me with sufficient help as you were in creating the monster Ive become?

[yousaveme]

Really?

 

Whatever gets you through the day ...Sweetie...

 

Don't be so vain. I do not stalk you. I basically ignore you until i see you going off the deep end again over this married piece of crap with kids you have that enjoys his afternoon delights.