mimi75 Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 Hey everybody, I am writting because I love a man I met but we live 4000 miles away from each other. MOreover, he is over twice my age, married with children. We love each other tremenduously. It is not going good with his wife so he is going to leave her, and after he would like me to move closer to where he lives, but for this I would have to transfer to another school. I love him but I don't know what to do. I am scared of changing all my life for him. Does anyone has an advice Thanks mimi Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 First, you don't know what love is. If you loved this man you would want him to work on his relationship and save his children from great suffering. Of course, if after he gave it his best shot and he failed, then you would want him to have some time to be free to heal and to be very sure he didn't make the same mistake again and suffer anew in the future. It is bizarre to expect a healthy relationship from a man who is 4000 miles away, who has a wife and family, and who is going through marital problems. It is also very unhealthy to believe what he is saying about those matters. A divorce is emotionally draining and while he might want some lovely diversion such as yourself to take his mind off things, he is not going to be serious about such. Leave him alone or you will suffer more than you will ever believe. You will pay for this in pain and suffering like you have never, ever imagined. First, I seriously doubt if he will ever move close to you. He may have you move close to him so you can be one of his concubines while he is still married or while he is working on a number of other relationships on and off the net. If everything he is saying is true, he will not be a good choice for a mate for several years. While he may rush to find a mother for his children on the days when he has custody of them, he will need time to get his head on right. Your age has absolutely nothing to do with it but it really pisses me off royally that he is using his knowledge of the world to manipulate your naivete into believing this will be something positive for you. On the other hand, if this is the only man you have been able to find who has taken an interest in you, go for it. But I doubt that is the case. There is somebody for everybody but this guy isn't the guy for you....you have my personal guarantee. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 OK this man has a wife AND children, and he doesn't love either one of them enough to devote his attention to not allow himself to be distracted from a long distance "relationship." Keep this in mind, even if what he IS saying is sincere and true (and I highly doubt that), then you will always have it in the back of your head that he did that to his first wife when things got bad....and when things get less than rosey with you two (which WILL happen), you'll be wondering if he'll be doing the same to you. You'll question who he's talking to on the internet, etc. The point is, he can't be trusted, and you know that deep down, and I feel like when it comes down to it, you won't trust him. So just go ahead and cut it off. Because if he was intrested in having another relationship period, he'd find someone closer....no offense. Link to post Share on other sites
Alice Posted September 21, 2002 Share Posted September 21, 2002 It is not an easy situation. However, I dissagree with Ally Boo saying that "man has a wife AND children, and he doesn't love either one of them enough to devote his attention". I would say that he does love them for sure but it is a different kind of love, which includes among others affection and devotion. And then, if he didn´t love them, why would he still be living with them. On the other hand I also have no prejudice about his love for you - most probably he does love you tremendously, as you say, but the feeling of responsability for his family makes him hesitate in taking a decision. I guess he also hesitates because of your age as he is afraid that due to these differences you might leave him someday. However, what I doubt is your love for him, especially when you say that you are scared to change your whole life for him. Well, true love normally does not know any boundaries and people are glad to sacrifice all they have only to be together with their dearest ones. That is why I suggest that you review your situation and feelings for this person. I would say the best judge in this case is just the heart. You follow that and you will always be on the right side, for love - true deep love is never wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted September 22, 2002 Share Posted September 22, 2002 he doesn't love his family and it sounds like he is using you as a rebound. married men are seldom worth the pain and suffering they cause - listen to tony Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimi75 Posted October 5, 2002 Author Share Posted October 5, 2002 just to let you guys know, I did it, I want back to my home country and transfered school and now I see the man I lvoe often. However, one thing is still bothering me is that I am afraid that I am unable to love him as much as he loves me. He seems to need me so bad, and I feel bad because I feel more independent. Is this bad or am I just worrying for nothing? We are already speaking of mariage, a house and kids together, however, everybody in my family tells me to break up with him and criticizes him. How could I do to make them understand that I love him no matter his age and past. Thanks for your answer. Mimi Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 5, 2002 Share Posted October 5, 2002 Well, congratulations, I guess. While you and he are discussing marriage, a house, and kids, he's already got all that with someone else. Does he still live with them? Is he separated? Is he really going to get a divorce? I don't blame your friends and family for criticizing him. I certainly hope for your sake that all of this works out. And if it does, I hope that in ten years he doesn't leave you for a young chickie, as he is doing to his current wife. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted October 6, 2002 Share Posted October 6, 2002 as to whether or not he actually filed for divorce. if he didn't, then don't bother asking yourself any questions yet. you do need to be concerned that he won't do the same thing to you and your family one day. as long as you are the same maturity level, the age shouldn't concern you. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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