Confusion is his middle name

[Californiadoll]

Wow. I see my last visit on this site was November 26th, 2004! Looking back on the posts I wrote make me laugh. I was so naive!!

 

Anyways, I do have quite the situation. I was with my ex for 2 years. We just broke up in the beginning of December. He was verbally abusive and on that day we broke up, he got physical. That's when I called it quits. GOod for me, huh? Well Wait. Cuz i'm not the good guy here ( so to speak). About a month prior to us breaking up, I began cheating on "Steve" with a guy named "Luke". I had been good friends with Luke for a few months before that. He actually was added as a member of a local band I've been friends with for 2 years. We hit it off hardcore and hung out on a fairly regular basis. Especially when I would go see the band play.

 

Luke emotionally helped me build up enough strength to break it off with Steve. He told me I deserved better and that Steve was an ass. Besides, Steve was almost 8 years my senior and works on a boat 260 days out of the year. Which means I only got to see him a few days (about 4 on average) out of the month. It was making me miserable. I wanted someone to be there for me physically, emotionally and mentally. Luke did that for me and sure enough, we gave into each other one night.

 

During the months of November and December, Luke and I got very very close. We would text each other almost every day and talk every other day. Not to mention going to his shows every weekend. It became a regular thing for me to spend the night at his house at least once a week. His support for me through my tough times got me through a lot. Without him, I do not think I'd honestly be alive right now.

 

THe day Steve and I broke up, he had kicked me out of his car and left me in a back ally in downtown San Diego. I was horrified and hysterically crying. I called Luke and sure enough, he was there in no time to get me. He brought me back to his house, stroked my hair, gave me asprin, kissed me on the cheek and told me everything was going to be OK. NO sexual contact that night, whatsoever. He just held me as I fell asleep. He did everything a true friend should do.

 

Now, what woman in their right mind would not fall for someone like this? Since Steve and I broke up, Luke and I have been borderline inseperable. He's admitted that I am his best friend and I have admitted the same to him. We've been hooking up since the first day we started and we haven't really stopped. There are nights when I'll go over to his place and we'll just watch football, share some booze and fall asleep in his bed cuddling. Other nights, we'll end up waking up in the middle of the night and being intimate. No matter what, there's always an abundance of kissing, hugging and cuddling.

 

Our relationship right now is insanely great. We make each other laugh so hard, we love watching football, we wrestle until one of us calls "mercy", we call each other stupid names, we've got tons of inside jokes and we have the deepest of conversations.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, he talks about other girls to me, talks about his ex's a lot, tells me who he has a crush on at work and says he hopes I marry one of his best friends so we can be in each others lives forever. WTF??? (que record scratching noise here)

 

Now everyone always thinks we're together. We get asked if we're an item on a regular basis. Both of us give the same answer..."nah, we're just bestfriends". I've hinted many times to Luke that I've got feelings for him. He's not a "beat around the bush" kinda guy though. In the back of my mind, I think he's just waiting for me to come out and say that I think i'm falling in love with him.

 

When I hint these things towards him, I cry because i'm not sure how to tell him. He sits down and comforts me...even wiping my tears away. I try to cover it up by telling him i'm crying about my ex but I'm also trying to get across to him that I like him. I told him awhile ago that I wasn't going to be ready for a relationship for a long time and now, that's what hes saying...that's he doesn't want a relationship right now...with anyone.

 

This past weekend, he picked me up from a bar about 15 minutes from his house because the person I drove with was drunk and I did not feel comfortable driving back with her. He was my knight in shining armor...

 

We spent the night together..falling asleep cuddling. Went out to breakfast the next morning, watched football, listened to old songs we knew from high school and sang to them together, wresteled in his bed, threw a football around and shared a beer. He drove me back to my car, got out, gave me a LOOOOONNNG hug, pulled me away and kissed me on the lips....something he rarely does outside of the bedroom. He said "I'll probably talk to you tomorrow since we pretty much talk everyday".

 

I'm trying soo hard to get over this guy but I fear if I push myself too far from him, I will lose our wonderful friendship. It hurts to hear him talk of other girls, see him flirt and text, etc. Lots of girls like him because his personality is outstanding and of course...he's in a band.

 

Him and I are both very honest with each other. We get along sooo well. We're on a talk everyday basis and rarely am I the one who calls him first.

 

Should I try and pursue something? Should I just let things be and let him come forward with his feelings for me if he has any at all? Should I try to make him jealous to see how he reacts? Should I play hard to get? Do you think he has feelings for me?

 

Sigh.

[Parmalat]

WOW is the first thing on my mind.

 

I think the second would be to stop talking and CRYING about your ex!!!

 

Perhaps hint that your glad its done. Never use him and your ex in the same context you don't want to link the two.

 

OK now a question:

 

If this guy is so straight forward, why not just take a leap and tell him youre into him. That doesn't mean you want an exclusive relationship but it does mean your not just a FWB.

 

I'd make sure he understands that this is not a FWB situation and that you are leaning towards more. How to do that I'm not sure, sorry to say.

 

But I'd definitely approach the conversation on what you are, tell him you are going to need a lable cause you have feelings for him.

[typical]

I smell a set up...read below:

 

and says he hopes I marry one of his best friends so we can be in each others lives forever. WTF???

 

If you are truly his best friend you wouldnt need to marry one of his best friends so that you can be in each others lives forever, get it?

 

I have a tiny hunch going on that says that he was just dying to talk about the marriage issue to see how you felt aobut it, and at the same time, testing the waters to see where he fits in as far as you are concerned.

 

This past weekend, he picked me up from a bar about 15 minutes from his house because the person I drove with was drunk and I did not feel comfortable driving back with her. He was my knight in shining armor

 

It is easy to see him as such when you keep putting yourself in situations where you know you are going to have to depend on him. Admit it, no one else does it for you like he does, so you will always keep gravitating

towards him.

 

All done very subtly I am sure :

On the other side of the spectrum, he talks about other girls to me, talks about his ex's a lot, tells me who he has a crush on at work

 

 

Should I try and pursue something? Should I just let things be and let him come forward with his feelings for me if he has any at all? Should I try to make him jealous to see how he reacts? Should I play hard to get? Do you think he has feelings for me?

 

Sigh.

 

This is a tough one...Though I advise against game playing, a little may be in order to see where he is coming from.

Lets see, if you wait you might end up losing out to another woman, if you pursue, you might end up scaring him away, if you make him jealous, you might start a war and you can bet he will make you 10x more jealous the next time around, If you play hard to get, he might read your cues wrong and assume you dont like him....and yes, I do think he likes you. I think he likes you alot.

Just put it this way....this guy invests ALOT of time in his life for you...ALOT. He is ALWAYS there no matter what, no matter when.....It has been my experience that when a guy wants something bad enough, he will do what it takes, and it seems like he is always front and center whenever you need him to be. That speaks volumes.

 

I told him awhile ago that I wasn't going to be ready for a relationship for a long time and now, that's what hes saying...that's he doesn't want a relationship right now...with anyone.

If I had to take a stab at this, I would say that he is mirroring your feelings, but silently wooing you, if that is understood. Perhaps he feels that you cant help but not fall in love with him, as you stated beforehand. Perhaps he knows this and this is/was his intention all along, to silently court you in hopes of turning your feelings around.

 

But what do I know?

 

 

The one thing that has cast me hesitant is this:

I began cheating on "Steve" with a guy named "Luke".

 

I will need more information before I can proceed. Ages, how long you have known each other, vague details, etc....

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Californiadoll, Here is my point of view:

 

Should I try and pursue something? Yes.

 

Should I just let things be and let him come forward with his feelings for me if he has any at all? Yes

 

Should I try to make him jealous to see how he reacts? No

 

Should I play hard to get? No. But, do, hold your emotions together.

 

Do you think he has feelings for me? Yes

 

Plus: He kissed you on the lips. Not many best friends, that I know of, would kiss each other on the lips. Take it as a bonus -or rather, indication of his romantic subconscious feelings.

 

I believe you should be honest with yourself, vitally speaking. Being able to understand what you truly want from the relationship, as a whole, including whether or not you are willing to continue to be a best friend for many years to come knowing full well he will discuss his love life with you, on a number of occasions, is of critical importance.

 

Beautiful as it may seem right now, you should discover the relationship's true colors before it turns ugly -or better said, before another woman snatches him away.

 

Best Wishes,

Sand&Water

[Californiadoll]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

 

He actually called me lastnight right after I finished typing this thread up. We talked from 10:30pm-1:30am about lots of stuff. It was one of the longest phone convos both of us had with anyone in a very long time. He was driving back from his crush's house. He called me to tell me that she had made him dinner and invited him over to partake. She dropped a few bombs on him about her future she had planned for herself (moving here, going to school there). Luke likes this girl because she is one of those hot and mysterious co-workers he's hung out with only a few times. So Luke told me it might not be a good idea for him to like her. But he also told me his co-worker is one of those girls you don't just "date"...it's someone he could've seen with himself on a long term basis. I comforted him and told him not to over analyze anything she said. It took all the strength in the world for me to say that to him but there's no way I can be obvious about my feelings for him right now.

 

We started talking about our present state of minds regarding relationships. I first admitted that I was thinking about possibly being ready for a relationship fairly soon here. And then he proceeded to tell me (contrary to what he had stated before about not being ready for a relationship) that he might be ready for one too. I didn't want to say anything to him about us because he still seemed a bit upset over his co-worker. It wasn't good timing.

 

He talked about his past experiences with relationships and I shared mine. We also talked about girls he could potentially date. When I mentioned (non-chalantly) that I had gone out on a few dates this past month his ears seemed to perk. (and he always does this when I mention other guys) He was like "I didn't know you went out on a few dates? With who? Have you kissed anyone?". He asks extremely inquiring questions about other guys I could potentially be with. I told him I hadn't kissed/had sex with anyone else but him since "Steve" and I broke it off.

 

Then I mentioned going to Vegas in May to meet up with a friend of mine and he was like "Who are you going with?" I told him it was to meet up with my friend Steve, whos name is really Steve(ha!), whom I haven't seen in years. I don't have feelings for Steve at all but he's one of those guys that if I wasn't married by 35, we agreed to get married. He got kinda silent over that.

 

I kind of did an analyzation on him and I was hoping he would admit to it. Call it a trap if you will. I told him that he's one of those guys who has girls crawling for him all the time but he tends to like the ones he "can't have". I needed to know if he likes girls who play hard to get. Which in a way, by him agreeing to this, would tell me a lot about how to act towards him. He did admit towards liking girls he can't have.

 

We started talking about the things we do for our boy/girlfriends when we have them. He mentioned he would buy flowers for no reason, when he would get his check, he would be concerned only with how to spend it on his sig. other, he devotes a lot of his time to them, etc. I told him that I gave back rubs, cooked dinner and made them feel like the only guy in the world to me.

 

Another thing I had dropped on him lastnight was the fact that I feel totally over my ex boyfriend. I feel like my heart is completely ready to move on. I had to let him know that to cover my tracks. It's all very true though.

 

My thing is...WHY THE HELL does he seem to talk about other girls and possibly dating them when here I am...being the PERFECT girl for him...flailing my arms in front of him with an orange hunting vest on and he still seems to overlook me?!?! It frustrates me! What is it about me that prevents him from pursuing something with me. He tells everyone we're best friends/really close, etc.

 

To respond to some of your questions:

 

After he had told me he wished I would marry one of his best friends, I told him I hoped he married one of mine too. Then he jokingly said "Just don't make me an usher".

 

Sure, it speaks volumes that he's always there for me but isn't that what a friend is supposed to do? He said he would'nt really consider picking anyone else up if they were in the same situation. I found that odd.

 

Here's another kicker: his roomie is into me. If Luke doesn't tell me how he feels soon, I'm gonna move on but it would be a shame to waste such a potentially great relationship. I've got plans to hang out with his roomie (which is also a great friend of mine) on Friday.

 

I'm gonna go see Lukes band plan on Saturday night and then we always watch football together (Go Chargers!) so we've got that planned already.

 

Here's some quick facts:

 

Steve (ex boyfriend): age 30

Me: age 22

Luke: age 24

 

 

 

 

I'm confused though. What if he's just super close to me and doing all this **** for me because he genuinely just sees me as a best friend?! I can't tell.

[Guest]

OMG! If I didn't know better, I'd think that I wrote this!! I'm in the same EXACT situation you are in and I can't tell what my best friend feels for me either. Everyone always thinks we are dating and we, too, always say 'no, we're just best friends'. I keep seeing hints that he likes me as more than a friend, but then he'll do/say things that seem to indicate he does not.

 

We're currently living far apart right now, but once he comes to visit me, I plan on asking him where we stand. I think that the best, and only, thing you can do in this situation is to ask him straight out how he feels about you. Otherwise, you'll probably be left wondering.

[Wantingtogetitright]

what is wrong with you. What is the worst that can happen. Tell him you think you have more then "friendly" feelings for him and then leave it for him to deal with. If you cannot be honest with him now then what hope have you ever got in the future.

 

How can you be a friend and advise him about other women when you have an ulterior motive etc.

 

Quit playing stupid games, quite trying to make him jealous with stories of other guys etc etc. I can;t answer as to what his intentions are by discussing other women with you, maybe he is trying to make youjealous or maybe he really does just see you as a friend and wants the female perspective on things.

 

Either way life is too fricken short to waste it on playing games and wasting opportunities.

 

Above all do not immediately get "intimate" with him. Not until you are IN a relationship if it happens and both know where you are headed. Once you cross that line your true "friendship" will be changed forever! Until you start seeing this guy on a different level ie as gf/bf you will not truly know how you feel about him.

 

Tell me, if you look at the whole situation what is the absolute worst that can happen.

[Californiadoll]

Rejection. One of the worst things that could happen to anyone.

 

and he knows how I feel. It's kind of hard not to tell.

 

a few weeks back, he called me late while I was at a party. I asked him why I would feel the need to keep asking him how he felt about me when it hurts me to hear him say he doesn't have feelings for me every time.

 

Then I told him I had feelings for him.

He said he felt the same way but he wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment.

 

I'm not telling him about experiences with guys to make him feel jealous. I tell him so we have a common ground but also to let him know i'm not just gonna sit there like a lost puppy and wait for him to take me for a walk.

 

I don't have ulterior motives. I truly want to help him out as a friend. I just happen to have feelings for him and if him being happy means him being with someone else, then so be it. I'm happy for him.

 

We have already been intimate several times. I cheated on my abusive boyfriend with him. Sexual encounters are a regular occurance. We both agreed that if we start having sex with others, our "agreement" would be void and there would be no more physical intimacy with each other.

 

I agree though. Life is too short to play games. And normally, if it were any other guy, I would either get into it, or move on. BUt it's my bestfriend. And I fear losing him in my life. This is why I am hesitant. THis is why I am scared.

[Wantingtogetitright]

is based on trust and honesty and respect. He knows how you feel, you know how he feels so stop muddying the waters. STOP sleeping with him. Keep it as a friendship and move on. You cannot be both lovers and friends at this stage. He is not being a friend by sleeping with you when he knows you want more and he doesn't.

 

You are closed to other possibilities whilst you still maintain this unbalanced and quite frankly destructive relationship with him. Make the tough decision and tell him is JUST friends, a fully committed relationship or nothing at all. These are your ONLY 3 options.

 

You keep stating you don't want to lose the friendship so purely and simply keep it as that, a friendship.

[Californiadoll]

but what if he's trying to assess his feelings for me right now. What if he's confused on the way he thinks an feels about me? If I turn and walk away now, a potentially incredible relationship would've gone down the drain due to my hastiness and the intimidation I've caused him. It could scare him off.

 

You are absolutely correct though. I should tell him since my heart is getting more involved in the relationship, it wouldn't be wise for me to continue our sexual activity if our relationship is not going to go beyond a platonic one. That way, it will be easier for me to pull myself away from him.

 

On the other hand, I certaiInly don't mind the sexual part of it. I'm going to have sex and I rather it be with him than someone else. but I guess that means i've gotta stop having feelings for him and seperate the emotional from the physical if i'm gonna play with fire.

[Wantingtogetitright]

sorry but I call em as I see em. There is no such thing as assessing how you feel about soemone. It's not like deciding if you want chicken or lamb roast! You either want to be with them or you don't.

 

If you are happy to have a FWB relationship with this guy then go ahead and do it but do not expect more. If you cannot have a no strings no commitment relationship with him then don't sleep with him.

 

At then end of the day is that what a best friend is about?

 

How will you be turning and walkign away, isn't it the best friend you don't want to lose? Where would you be going if you are still friends?

 

As I said before you have 3 choices. Make your choice and stick with it.

 

As for ther 3rd para of your reply I cannot comment. I believe in making love and not having sex. I can not sleep with someone I am not in love with AND is in love with me and we are exclusivey committed to each other. Old fashioned, outdated, naive, whatever you want to call it but that is just y take on it. Having intimate relations with somone is the final step in bonding and I believe should not be taken lightly. A boty call or a bit of rooty tooty cannot compre to the feelings of being totally in love and sharing that experience with them. How can you deny yourself this. It is so much more than an orgasm, it transcends the physical. This is a lesson you will hopefully one day learn and understand where I am coming from with this.

[Californiadoll]

yes, I too once believed sex was for love...and someday, I know I will believe that again. For now, I wish to be selfish and immature and be able to have sex without emotion although that is not the way it was originally intended to be. This I know.

 

My final decision is to cut off the sex with him and let him have his space a little more. I will still sleep in the same bed with him (as i've done many times before without sex) but exercise some self control. I think in the long run, it will pay off.

 

I'm going to watch one of his hockey games tomorrow night with a few of our mutal girlfriends. One of which likes him and may potentially have a thing for too. I'm gonna step back and see what happens. Not act completely distant but not swoon and shower him with attention like I normally do. I'm going to act like nothing more than a friend. "Pull back" a bit if you will.

 

I will keep those of you who are interested, in the loop.