Ex-boyfriend and alcoholism?

[ShoeGirl]

I'm not sure what to do here and I would like to know what you think... sorry that this is so long... I would really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this

 

My ex and I broke up in October, and I haven't really talked to him since then, only twice I think and they were both really strange conversations.

 

When we were together (2.5 years) he would drink on occasion and when he did he drank a lot, so much that if we were at parties I would have to try and stay pretty sober so that I could take care of him when he got out of control. It seems that he doesn't know how to drink in moderation, for him it is either completely sober or belligerently drunk. After we broke up we had one last "date" which consisted of dinner and us talking for several hours about everything that happened, trying to get questions answered. During this conversation I brought up his drinking habits and he said that he knew what he was doing and that he would be more conscience of it and take it easy.

 

Well I am still good friends with one of his roommates. She called me a few weeks ago and was really upset and told me that she didn't want to drag me into the middle of everything but needed advice... apparently he is now drinking 4-5 nights a week and each time getting belligerently drunk. She tried to confront him about it and he acted like there was no problem, he has never admitted to her that he knows he drinks a lot. I told her what I thought and suggested that she try and talk to him when no one else is home to maybe make him more comfortable and hope she can get somewhere with him.

 

Now another of his roommates has come to me asking about the same thing and what she can do. I asked if she has talked to the other roommate, which she hadn't. I told her to go talk to the other roommate then call me back because I had already given my advice to the first one who called me. They called back and said that as far as either of them know I am the only person who has been able to get him to admit that he has a problem with drinking. They have asked me to confront him again when I am in town next (I live 5 hours away and won't be back there for at least another month).

 

I am not too comfortable seeing him or talking to him because he acts so strange when I have seem him and talking to him is incredibly awkward. I would love to help him, the last thing I want is to see him ruin his life by drinking so much, but I don't know if he will even listen to me or if it will be really awkward.

 

My other problem is that I have recently started dating a guy who would rather me not talk to my ex (my ex used to call and text me constantly... which finally stopped about a week ago) I haven't talked to my new guy about this particular situation and I don't want to make a big deal about it until I figure out if I even want to confront my ex. I think that he will understand my reasons for wanting to help but I don't think he will be all that comfortable with it.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I put aside the awkwardness and try and talk to him or should I just stay out of it?

[Functional]

I think that you should just stay out of it. For several reasons, one being he is not going to change no matter who you are, unless he wants to and to make a person YOU LOVE want to change takes alot of time, energy and spirit. Are you willing to be that person?

 

Second, he is no longer your problem, he is his roommates and let them deal with him. Its okay they called to ask advice, but that is all you can do is offer your advice.

 

Third, you are in a new relationship. Are you willing to bring this baggage into it and is your new man willing to put up with it? I doubt it, so I would leave it alone and just pray that someday he will stop drinking.

[magichands]

I think that you should just stay out of it.

Functional is just so... functional. I agree. I know it's hard to see a person you care about self-destruct, but maybe it will only take ten seconds. Sorry, I didn't mean that. If he asks for help, then maybe it takes on a slightly different complexion, but for the moment every one of us is responsible for our own actions - inebriated or not!

[littlekitty]

I'm afraid I agree with Functional. I understand your desire not to see him ruin his life, but I don't think this is your issue to deal with any longer.

 

It was fine for them to ask you for advice and to find out what you knew. But I don't think it is your place to intervene. As functional said, this would drag you back into his life and this whole mess. Possibly at the detriment to your new relationship.

 

If there is anything I would suggest - do you know his family well enough to involve them perhaps? Perhaps suggest the room mates contact his family to ask for their assistance.

 

Other than that my advice is to stay well out of this.

[magichands]

If there is anything I would suggest - do you know his family well enough to involve them perhaps? Perhaps suggest the room mates contact his family to ask for their assistance.

I like it.

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks for all your advice... I was thinking more about this today and I think you are all right, I am just going to stay out of it, unless one of his roommates wants more advice, I don't have a problem giving one of them advice, but I don't want to confront him.

 

As far as talking to his family I think that might make things worse. His parents are very over-protective of him and although he no longer lives at home he lets them control almost every part of his life. If they found out about this and confronted him he would probably go drink more to act rebellious. If he does get more out of hand I might suggest to one of his roommates to talk to his brother, or something. I'll have to think about that more.

 

It's kinda a strange feeling for me because I don't want him to screw up his life, but at the same time I don't care what he does. I didn't care at all until his roommates started coming to me, it bothers me more that they are worried about him than his actions bother me. I kinda just want to tell them to let him go and make his own mistakes... maybe a DUI would be beneficial for him?

[magichands]

he would probably go drink more to act rebellious.

So... right now it's just quiet rebellion?! Just kidding, you've got a good head on your shoulders, ShoeGirl.