bryn Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 I have been dating this guy for a year...Im not sure if he is inlove with me or not. He hasn't told me he loves me...the word doesn't even come up! Its hard for me to trust him.....I question in the back of my head everything...I feel like Im being over possessive, but on the other hand I cant help question myself. He is at a different point in his life...new house, steady career, financially stable, ect. Me-my cars broken down, I have a dead end job, and my financial history sucks! Im a bit depressed about it, yes, but its only b/c I'v set higher expectations for myself. I feel as if he deserves to be w/ a women that can offer him more....that he wouldn't hold back to fall inlove with. He has been very supportive of me, and Im not here to guy bash him....Im just trying to find a balance. I want to leave him. Im much inlove with him, but, I feel like Im his 2nd choice and I hate feeling like that. I feel like he needs to be w/ someone more on his level....that he wouldn't cheat on. No-hes never cheated on me, but, he has taken plenty of p#'s with him....& he still talks to his old g-friends that live on other towns. I want to trust him but I cant! Is it me? Where do you draw the line? what should my expectations be at a year+ into the relationship? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 What kind of a relationship do you have with him? Are you casually dating or are you exclusive? Is he your boyfriend? Does he refer to you as his girlfriend? Have you met his family? Have you met his friends? Have you met his co-workers? How often do you see him? How often does he call you? How often do you call him? Is he keeping the relationship going, or are you (by calling him, etc.)? IMO, you definitely should have heard an "I love you" after a year! That's a crazy amount of time to date someone with no discussion (?) of future commitment. Are you sure the two of you are on the same page as what this relationship is and means? Don't worry about whether or not you are good enough for him! Of course you are! Don't be so silly. But, you need to get to the bottom of this. If you answer my above questions, I can probably give you some advice on how to proceed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bryn Posted August 27, 2002 Author Share Posted August 27, 2002 What kind of a relationship do you have with him? Are you casually dating or are you exclusive? Is he your boyfriend? Does he refer to you as his girlfriend? Have you met his family? Have you met his friends? Have you met his co-workers? How often do you see him? How often does he call you? How often do you call him? Is he keeping the relationship going, or are you (by calling him, etc.)? We have an exclusive relationship, he does call me his girlfriend, he took me up to Jersey to see his family Tgvng&Cmas, but he then broke up w/ me in Feb. we got back together in May, he then took me on a trip to Carmel Valley he won through his work....intoduced me as his GF to his boss & co-workers, was affectionate. we see each other often, weekends some nights out of the week....he does the asking though. He does initiate keeping the relationship going, but, when he shows no emotion I cant help but wonder?? Before we go out some where he says I look "nice" thats it! no "beatiful" or anything romantic....Im thinking... hell I know I look nice....I just spent 30 min getting ready! It seems to me that he doesn't want to commit to anything b/c hes scared something "better" might come along....the "I love you" thing is just way too committal. We talk. His reply is he doesn't want me "assuming" anything...Im like whatever...I just want a healthy relationship to grow. Hope this helps....thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 You said you're "much in love with him" and that you talk and his response is for you "not to assume anything". Does this mean you've told him you love him and want a healthy relationship to grow, and that was his response??? Geez, that's very annoying. Not only does it sound like he's not committed, it sounds like he's taking you for granted. When I read your first post I thought there was some possibility he wasn't emotionally demonstrative -- some people are trained practically from birth not to show their emotions, particularly if they come from a family that isn't outwardly affectionate. Although that's still a possibility, I think it's less likely based on your second post. Whatever his reasons for acting this way, you need to have your concerns out in the open. Perhaps part of the problem is that he's assuming you're a sure thing he can reliably fall back on, no matter what he does (when you got back together in May, I'll bet you didn't question it and jumped at the chance -- this probably has him thinking he can do the minimum and you'll still be there). Regardless, you need to tell him that you don't like feeling second-best, and that you can't commit to or continue in this relationship unless you know you're not the only one with an emotional stake in the darn thing. You shouldn't be confrontational or accusatory -- just let him know that's how you feel, because you need to have some sense of direction. It's possible he hadn't clued-in to how you felt (some of us guys are pretty clueless), and he might smarten up right away. It's also possible he'll give you another evasive or non-committal answer... in which case you're probably better off jumping ship for your own protection. Relationships where there's a massive discrepancy between one partner's feelings for the other rarely work out -- I think that's common knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 Well, he just might have a problem showing his emotions and feelings, and that drives us women crazy bc its so easy for us! I know it drives me crazy! But just bc he doesn't show them, doesn't mean they aren't there. Just talk to him a little about it...it will take baby steps, but if he really cares about you, it will work. That's what me and my ex husband had to do. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 Well, he sounds like a commitment phobe to me. True, he may just have a problem expressing his emotions, but I don't think it's normal at all to have been dating for a year with no ILY coming into the picture. And "he doesn't want you to assume anything" is a major red flag, at least IMO. For whatever reason, he is not ready to emotionally commit to you or the relationship. A year is a substantial amount of time to be dating someone. Many people are talking marriage at the year or year and a half point. You need to have a talk with him ASAP. Don't be crazy or psycho about it, just ask him how he feels about the relationship and where he sees it going. You have a right to know this after spending a year with him. If he is vague in his answer or gives you the old "I don't want you to assume anything", you need to be prepared to walk away. And then, without a tear (in front of him), walk away. Release him to the universe. This isn't fair to you! You are serving as his entertainment director and being there for him, but you are not getting what you want out of this, which is a normal, healthy relationship that is moving forward. If he truly is a commitment phobe, this problem is not going to go away. It very likely has little to do with you, but with his own issues. He's not going to change, no matter how long you stick around and wait for it to happen. He has issues. I urge you to talk to him as soon as you can to sort this out. There is no reason for you to waste anymore of your time if the two of you are not on the same page. And since "he doesn't want you to assume anything" he could very well walk away from all of it at any time. Beat him to it, if he's such a wimp that he can't commit to a relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
sissy Posted August 28, 2002 Share Posted August 28, 2002 You should trust your gut feelings. Even when they are not really what we want to hear/feel, they are generally right. It will save you alot of heartache in the future.... That is just my take......... sissy Link to post Share on other sites
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