"Till Bachelor Party Ultimatums do us Part"

[Carbine]

Okay, so my bf/ex and i are on a break, with the hope of getting back together if I can mend my ways. The main reason he split with me is my apparent "psychotic jealousy" towards other girls. (which I've posted about previously). Now, while I've made an effort to conceal my jealousy over the last month or so, there are still certain instances where I put my foot down. One of these things happens to be him seeing strippers. It's an absolute NO from me. Recently we were discussing the conditions upon which we will get back together, and one of the conditions that I insisted upon was that he never attends any strip clubs or anything. He sort of rolled his eyes and made exasperated noises, but agreed that he wouldn't go to any "aw well except for when some of me mates have their bucks nights (bachelor parties), and for me own one of course - coz i know if you and I end up gettin' hitched, you won't be such a paranoid b**** in the future" . I told him that I'd put up with him going to the very occasional bucks night for his close friends, but that it was totally unacceptable for him to have a strippers at his own bucks party. To cut a long story short, we bickered about it for awhile and then he said straight up "Look, if some chick is gonna not let me have strippers at my own bucks party, then I'd rather not get married to her ok??" . After we'd both calmed down a bit , I asked him if he really meant that, and he's sticking to his guns. It shocked me a fair bit but I still believed it was just him being stubborn.

 

That was until a day later when I was chatting to a close male friend of mine and happened to bring up the conversation between my bf and i last night. I said to my friend "don't you think its a bit farfetched not getting married to someone coz they won't let you have strippers at your bucks night"? He was silent for a bit and then said hesitantly, "well, I kind of have to agree with *****, I mean, if i had a fiancee and she denied me a couple of hours with a few girls in bikinis for my bucks' party, then I probably couldn't bring myself to marry her".

 

Okay, WHAT THE F**********???????!!!!!!!!???

 

I mean, that's two guys in the space of 24 hrs i've spoken to who claim that they'd back out on their wedding simply because they're not allowed to go cavorting with some skanky strippers the night before they get married. Sorry, but that's a bit rich for me. Are a bunch of naked tarts really that important that you'd turn your back on the one you love and were previously prepared to commit to for the rest of your life?? According to my boyfriend - yes. When we were arguing, I made a point of asking him if the issue was about strippers or if it was really about not wanting to be controlled. For him, it's simply about the strippers because "they're the whole reason ya have a bucks' party. There's no point having one if ya don't have strippers there". My friend agreed and said that even if his fiancee was a very easygoing, non-controlling person, he'd still refuse to marry her if she put her foot down over the strippers.

 

Also, at my ex's NYE party I was chatting to a friend of his about a buck’s night he and my bf had attended a few months ago. My bf had told me that the party was all above board and I didn’t feel the need to accuse him of anything at the time. This guy at the party slipped up and mentioned that things went a bit overboard. I confronted my bf about it and he got very very flustered and upset, and eventually said that some people including the groom it too far and that he couldn’t tell me because he’d acknowledged the ‘code of silence’ at the start of the night, and that if the activities of that night ever got back to the bride, there was a good chance the marriage would be over. The only thing he mentioned was that the groom endured some 'humiliation' but refused to elaborate any further. Now what the hell am I meant to say to that?? In my gut I feel like my bf’s telling the truth when he says he didn’t play up. But the way he spoke about things well I got the impression that the ‘code of silence’ was basically the ‘green light’ for men at bucks nights to do what they want without guilt. So why would it be any different at my bf’s bucks’ night?? What’s more, the groom and my bf hang out in the same crowd and most likely, the friends who organised that particular groom’s bucks’ night would be organising my bf’s one, and wouldn’t have any qualms about hiring strippers who’d take things to the extreme.

 

So how does everyone else feel about the issue? Honestly I'm having a LOT of trouble getting my head around it. Obviously, for me personally, the situation is still very much hypothetical - my bf and I are certainly nowhere near ready to get married at the present time. Still, the whole thing is doing my head in, and I'd appreciate it if someone could possibly shed some light.

 

By the way, i'm aware that there's already a heap of threads on here that deal with attitudes towards strip clubs, bachelor parties etc, and I don't mean to turn this one into the same sort of thing. I'm interested specifically in learning how others feel about having to chose between their fiancee and a bunch of strippers for a bachelor party/buck's night.

[Cinnesyn]

Being an engaged female, I'd be extremely hurt if my fiance said that to me. I'd have to rethink if this was the right person for me. If I had to choose between letting him go and still marrying him OR not marrying him if he went, I'd have to choose not marrying him if he went.

 

My fiance has mentioned that his brother-in-law would want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party and I freaked. I told him I'd be very unhappy if he went to a place like that and he told me he'd HAVE TO GO. WTF!!! So now I have some doubts about marrying him... and over something this stupid. At least no ultimatums were given. That's the deal breaker for me, and the thing that should raise some red flags for you.

 

Why do some men feel they have to go to a strip club? Why can't they just go to a bar or dinner or even just stay home?

 

On a side note, the code of silence thing really worries me. I'm sure my fiance and his bro in law would have a code of silence thing too and my bro in law has already cheated on his wife once (my fiance's SISTER). I'd be worried that he'd bring an STD home, not to mention the fact that he cheated. It would be enough for me to end the marriage if I discovered he had sex with one of the strippers.

[WhisperingWillow]

Ok, now this is much more serious than porn! These girls are touchable and I know that not all, but a few, if you pay them extra will do whatever deed with your man or the men at the party. Having said that, it's your man's responsibility to say no thanks. I look at strippers like a complete waste of time, money, and feelings.

 

Carbine now I can relate to your feelings on this one. The code of silence is indeed a male thing. They stick up for each other and one doesn't run out on the herd so to speak and gossip about his buddy getting a blow job from the stripper or a hand job. Things can go awry at these things. Also you have to put in trust here. If you honestly don't trust him then I would re think what type of relationship you truly have.

 

There should be compromise here, but he may feel so pushed on your jealousy (note: I'm not attacking you), that he may feel like he is entitled to something and that's wrong. Sure men have been having stag nights since forever, but he needs to come to compromise with you on what that details and if he can't do that then you must think about what type of person he is. To undermine all your feelings and dismiss you like that is indeed disrespectful, but having said that you must compromise with him too. It's a catch 22 in these situations. My boyfriend and I have both agreed not to let too much alcohol, strippers, or anything else into our parties. We've also agreed to set a limit on the hours that we're out. We don't fancy being hungover the next day at our wedding and having it go to ****. He isn't into the whole stripper thing and neither am I. So that's a good thing for us. Whole thing is there has to be some compromises.

[Walk]

So basically, you believe that your bf's (both posters) would screw a hooker at the first available chance? That they'd jump on it in a heartbeat?

 

I'm still not sure what to think about both of your reactions... you believe that if your bf had even a tiny chance to **** someone else, then he'd take it? So why are you with these guys? It doesnt' make sense to me.

 

Seriously, this sounds like a control issue to me. There's a desire to control his actions because you're convinced he's going to cheat. So if you watch him like a hawk and dicatate his every move, then he won't be able to find the time or opportunity. Even going so far as to state that the guy should stay home. Maybe we should just poke mens eyes out as soon as they agree to being bf/gf. Castrate them when they propose.

 

My bf's a truck driver. He has lot lizards (ptostitutes) beat on his door every single night asking him if he wants "company". He's been propositioned in every state of this fabulous country. Last week an incredibly large breasted one showed him her breasts in hopes of making some money off him. Bf told me that another driver took her up on the offer, and she stole his pants and went fleeing down the street while the driver chased after her in his whitie tighties. Which I thought was hillarious, but it highlights the fact of how easy it would be for my bf to get sex while he's not around me.

 

I trust my bf to do what is right for us. He's shown that's where his priorities lie by continuing to work with me on problems, contributing to things I need, working to build a better future for us. And he has no need to rebel against "control" when I'm not controlling what he does or wants to do with his life.

 

He's a smart man. He knows that if he chooses to have sex with someone else that it will end this relationship. I don't have to force it down his throat, or be his mom and tell him what he can and can't do. It's a choice. We've discussed in detail our views on appropriate and inappropriate interactions between opposite genders. He knows what will cross my line. Ultimately, the choice lies with him. I CAN'T control his actions. Only he can. Telling him he can't go to a strip club lets him know that I don't trust him. That I assume he is going to cheat on me the moment he leaves. What kind of trust does that build? WHat kind of relationship would I have if my motive behind it was to control him? I don't want that... I want my bf to be happy. Whether that's with me, or with someone else... I want him to be happy. If he feels having sex with a stripper, or a hooker, is what he needs in life... then I hope he has the best sex of his life. He knows the consequences of his actions. He gets to make this choice, not me.

 

If you spent less time worrying about what he "could do" and more effort into making the sexual aspect of your relationship stronger... then you wouldn't have to worry much at all about him cheating on you. I bet strippers wouldn't even cross his mind if you were coming up with new ideas and more exciting things in the bedroom. I bet he wouldn't have a qualm with never going to a strip club if you were spending even 10% of this effort on how to really turn him on. If strip clubs are so threatening to you, then be pro-active. Tell him he can go, but he has to do something wild and kinky with you first. Send him off to his buddies with a happy post-orgasmic glow. Redirect this energy into something constructive, instead of the controlling destructive way it's being channeled in now.

 

Show him you're going to take care of his sexual needs, and place those at as the highest priority. No matter what kind of bachelor party he goes to, his or someone elses, he won't be tempted to taste others if he knows you are waiting at home to fulfill his sexual wants and needs.

 

That's my take on it...

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree with Walk on the jealousy issue. Sex and cheating will always be a possibility as long as there are other women in the world. Strippers might be easier to see in that nature, but women will be where he works, where he shops, everywhere. If you don't have basic trust, I am concerned about the future of your relationship.

 

Like Walk, I trust my BF implicitly. He could go out all night long with a bevy of beauties and I trust that he would be faithful to me. It's all about respect, and he would never disrespect me, especially in that kind of way.

 

I never really understood the lure of strippers and those types of clubs. I've been to them, didn't have a "bad" time, actually a pretty good time, but the drinks were expensive. I

 

think many men go because they are lonely and the girls at these clubs pay attention to them (read: their wallets.) Most girls are in it for the money, not the men. There are several strip clubs in my area and many of the girls that work there have pretty serious drug related issues, and most are not all that attractive. I can't imagine being with a man that thought his time and money was well spent in those places.

 

The other men who frequent these clubs are, or seem to be, unhappy in their relationships. I assume they are unhappy with the sexual aspect and that may be reasonable, or unreasonable in my opinion, but it's their opinion that matters.

 

On another note, are there male strip clubs in your area? Would your BF allow you to go spend money and time in one? I've never been, but had several female coworkers and friends that used to go every Wednesday night to see the men doff their clothes. It didn't appeal to me, maybe I'm not much of a visual person or something. And while completely heterosexual, I think the female body is more beautiful in general. But it would be a test of what is acceptable in your relationship. I assume you would not be interested that, but I am just thinking, thats all.

 

As far as the stag/buck party thing, I would allow my BF to have a stripper if that was what he wanted. I'm just glad that he wouldn't even want that. But if he did , I still know that it would not get out of hand on his part, code of silence might have to be applied to his buddies, though.

[a4a]

IMHO to hinge the idea to be married on a fight over hurt feelings of you and him going out to see naked women is just silly.

 

If I knew that my actions would hurt my husband in some way and he made it clear to me that they would, I would do my best to not take that action.

 

Going to a strip club is not a matter of life or death. Missing out on it will not cause severe physical or mental trauma to him. This is a choice to do what he wants regardless if it hurts your feelings or not.

 

You have a choice ....shut up and get over it. Or realize he may be more interested in having fun then taking your feelings into serious consideration.

 

BTW folks some people are afraid of spiders, dogs, or having their boyfriend in a room of naked women..... all may seem silly to you or I, but to the person with the fear/insecurity it is not silly. The persons SO should at least recognize that to them it is a legit fear or insecurity to that person. Reassurance- not threats would be the way to go if a person really gave a rip about their SO........ at least IMHO.

[My Fair Katie]

HAHAHA, I actually sent the out of town best man a list of local strip clubs for My Fair Husband's bachelor party and offered to foot the bill for a limo (I *know* none of these boys would want to be designated). They ended up not going in deference to a groomsman who did not swing that way and is apparently disturbed by all things vaginal.

 

I didn't go to a strip club for my bachelorette party, but I did get rip-roaring drunk and a bunch of random guys bought me drinks. Honestly, in retrospect that seems more shady (cause let's face it, the male strippers would probably be more interested in the aforementioned groomsman) than a strip club. My husband had NO problem with it, my girls were with me, and even rip-roaring drunk I didn't let any guys get "handsy" with me.

 

My Fair Husband *has* been to strip clubs while on business trips. He has told me it's really very uncomfortable to see something meant to turn him on in front of his coworkers. I do actually have a bit of a problem with this as I think it furthers the "old boys club" mentality of the workplace. At the same time, My Fair Husband didn't want to stick out as a poor sport. This was before we were married. Now, at his new job this hasn't been a problem.

 

I dunno, it's just not an issue with me. I trust My Fair Husband absolutely. He's a good guy, he can be an idiot and a turd sandwich sometimes, but he comes thru in the end, always.

 

Anywho, to get to your issue Carbine, I think the bigger problem is jealousy. You don't seem to to trust him whatsoever, do you have cause not to trust him?

 

That said, I think if I *had* told My Fair Husband that I was uncomfortable with him going to a strip club he would not have gone. However I would not have made it an ultimatum. Just puppy dog eyes, a trembling lower chin, and a self-concious "aren't I enough for you baby?" Yes, truly manipulative, I know. I'm evil.

[WhisperingWillow]

This again leads back to her jealousy issues. He may feel he is entitled after having dealt with her jealousy issues during their relationship, her words not mine. It does seem like a control issue. He may see it as her jealousy creeping back in and has decided to put a ultimatum on it. Either she lightens up and deals with it, or he walks.

 

Which is why I said in the beginning that even though these girls are attainable $$ it's still his responsibility to say "No thankyou".

[blind_otter]

Well, back to the original issue, I think it's bunk that a man would call off his wedding because he's not allowed to have strippers at his bachelor party.

 

Every guy I've known didn't have strippers at the bachelor party. How weird is that. Their fiancees forbade the strippers because alcohol + naked women = bad choices. I mean, who expects anyone to make logical, rational decisions when they are wasted off 19 shots of wild turkey? Am I the only one who doesn't think this is a trust issue?

 

I think those guys who would forgoe marriage in favor of strippers need their priorities re-aligned.

 

JMO, though. Take is with a grain of salt.

[JamesM]

Blind otter, your opinion is perfect. As a guy, I concur 100%.

 

I would never have wanted a bachelors party with strippers prior to marriage. To me this flies totally in the face of "I am going to be committed to you for life." In fact it says, "commitment can be put on hold when my needs are more important."

 

I read that some women don't mind if their man has strippers, because they trust him. IMO I think you misdunderstand why there are strip clubs. It is to stare at naked women, and in many, it is to get touchy-feely lap dances. It is not a bonding time for men.

 

Yes, you trust your man to not disrespect you, but if he doesn't take you along to the strip club, then IMO he is disrespecting you. The only comparison I can make is to put alcohol in front of an alcoholic and say I trust you not to drink. Many guys have a real tough time not going too far when placed in a room of naked women. And if they think it will be kept a secret, they will go for it.

[Guest]

""He's a smart man. He knows that if he chooses to have sex with someone else that it will end this relationship""

 

if he's all that smart and out on the road a lot he could be screwing a different woman every day and you'd never know it... at least not till you get a call from your GYN because you're infected with one or more STD'S

 

I think many,many people are only as faithful as the options that are avaible to them at any given time.I no longer believe in or expect monogamous behavior from any man I'm with and insist upon condoms each and every time.

 

Porn drives the internet and increasingly the entertainment industry,we have celebrities parading about wearing little to nothing,people are being sexualized at younger and younger ages.Intimate acts are being discussed/joked about/depicted in venues that would have been unheard of 10 yrs ago.I think monogamy has gone the way of the dinasauer.

[Woggle]

Your fiance is right. It is about more than the strip clubs. Any issues a woman has before marriage will be magnified 100 times after marriage and if you are this controlling before being married it will get worse and he knows that.

[JamesM]

Your fiance is right. It is about more than the strip clubs. Any issues a woman has before marriage will be magnified 100 times after marriage and if you are this controlling before being married it will get worse and he knows that.

 

No, it is about respecting the other's feelings. The nature of a strip club is to tease a man sexually. The reason for strippers at bachelor parties is to let the groom have one more sexual fling before he puts the ball and chain on. The whole purpose is to let the man have his way. I am wondering how he would feel if she wanted the same kind of party with the Chippendales (male strippers). My guess is that he would say it is different when women do such things.

 

Controlling someone is different than asking them to respect your feelings.

 

If he feels that he needs these flings now and feel they are more important than the feelings of the woman with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life, then Woggle, you and I agree...it is more than about strip clubs...it is about his inability to respect and love his future wife.

[Wantingtogetitright]

the main issues I see here are as follows:

 

1. you obviously do not trust him so should not be considering marriage.

2. if you comminucate in the ways that you have said here as a couple you have no hope.

3. he has a very suspect set of morals if he and his friends have this "code of silence". ie they'll back each other up and support each other in suspect and dodgy situations. Friends are people that share the same basic core sets of morals without these friendships cannot exist.

4. If you were simply offended by strippers as such and he knows this then he should respect that and will not be choosing to do this against your wishes over a marriage. Some things are just so much more important. This however imo is all part of a much larger issue. If he had a gambling addiction and you banned him from going to the race track etc then fair enough, these "bans" are for the good of everyone.

[CynicalP]

I tend to believe bachelor parties are more for his friends and less to do with bachelor himself. There is certain amount of peer pressure and tradition involved here. What guy enjoys having his friends goad him constantly or call him pussy whipped ad nauseam. Normally, it's just an excuse for guys to get into a drunken stupor and act like asses. It's a difficult decision for the groom-to-be. On one hand he has an angry, jealous, controlling woman to contend with on the other he risk losing face with his friends. Overall it's a lose-lose situation for the guy. Fortunately for me I eloped and avoided the situation all together.

[Ladyjane14]

I wouldn't marry a guy I couldn't trust to go to a bachelor party with his friends and stay out of trouble. In the honeymoon stage, a naked woman could've dropped from the sky into my husband's lap... and he'd have just jumped up horrified. Heck, we didn't even have our first fight until after the third year. That's good honeymooning.

 

If you ask me, two people planning to marry ought to be absolutely sotted with each other. They should just be oblivious to other people. If you have the choice to start out at the top of the world, why shouldn't you?

 

It sounds to me like this kind of party is customary where you're from. If so, he sees that you clearly don't trust him. If he hasn't given you a reason to feel that way... it's just good sense on his part for it to give him pause.

 

If this is a jealousy issue which resides within YOU, and this guy hasn't given you good cause... you'll need to address it eventually. Regardless of how this particular relationship pans out, Trust is an important component of marriage.

 

If it's because he really isn't trustworthy, maybe marrying him isn't such a good plan.

[Lennox]

I don't see where the issue with the OP is trust, it's more having to do with the amount of selfishness this guy is displaying even before they are married.

 

Run away from this guy, OP. With this much selfishness at a time when he should be honeymooning with you and flowers blooming and stuff...he's displaying very disturbing behavior and actions. I guarantee you that if you do wind up marrying him, it will only get worse.

 

Don't marry this guy, he's poison and you can do MUCH better.

[cutegirl]

 

He's a smart man. He knows that if he chooses to have sex with someone else that it will end this relationship. I don't have to force it down his throat, or be his mom and tell him what he can and can't do. It's a choice. We've discussed in detail our views on appropriate and inappropriate interactions between opposite genders. He knows what will cross my line. Ultimately, the choice lies with him. I CAN'T control his actions. Only he can. Telling him he can't go to a strip club lets him know that I don't trust him. That I assume he is going to cheat on me the moment he leaves. What kind of trust does that build? WHat kind of relationship would I have if my motive behind it was to control him? I don't want that... I want my bf to be happy. Whether that's with me, or with someone else... I want him to be happy. If he feels having sex with a stripper, or a hooker, is what he needs in life... then I hope he has the best sex of his life. He knows the consequences of his actions.

.

 

I always get really anxious and jealous too and I was wondering when you said that your guy knows the consequences of his actions, how would you KNOW though if he cheated? What if a guy cheats and you never even know? Not you personally but I mean for any woman in general. Then you would be living in a constant lie and if worse comes to worse you might not ever even know the truth? Wouldn't that be horrible?!

 

Sometimes I will snoop in my bf's stuff and my excuse is that if I don't snoop I'll NEVER know the truth. I would HATE to live in a lie. I don't believe in white lies, I always want to know the bare truth, no matter how ugly it is.

 

I know people say that you can't have a relationship without trust, but if you trust blindly, what if everything was a lie and you never even knew it? It's like my worst fear to live in a lie and not know the truth.

[cutegirl]

Also as in regards to the topic, strip clubs is a deal breaker for me. Some guys even wear condoms during the dance so they don't dirty their pants when they ejaculate. The stripper who makes the most tips is one that can make a guy cum through a grinding lap dance. I have researched EXTENSIVELY (I'm psycho but probably wasted around 50 plus hrs of my life reading all sorts of stripper forums) about strip clubs....

 

You should hear some of the guys talk about strippers, they even review which dancers give the most "mileage" and which ones let the guys finger them... etc

 

I agree that it's NOT about boys being boys, it's about a sexual experience. If you look at dancers on STAGE then YES it's harmless entertainment, but when it comes to the lap dance I believe that the guy is probably having sex in his mind with the stripper and ENJOYING the friction of her barely covered vagina grinding on his erection!! Some guys will even wear sweatpants and avoid wearing jeans so they can "feel more."

 

I would totally forbid my bf to get any lap dances! I think it totally crosses the line and is as close as you can get to screwing something else. You're basically getting dry humped.

 

Beware if your guy doesn't go to a club but hires dancers to come to his hotel for private parties. I have read that it's common for men to hire prostitutes and take turns doing the hookers or getting bj's.

 

I don't particularly have high morals and I could care less if men go to strip clubs, I am not against it at all. I am only concerned when it is MY bf who is doing it, because that's where I draw the line in my relationship. I consider it unacceptable.

 

Your guy Carbine sounds like a jerk. WTF kind of an ultimatum is that to make to say that he won't marry you cause you forbid him to go to a strip club? He sounds like TROUBLE. It sounds like you already have lots of problems with him with porn and now this. Do you think it will get better if you get married? I think it will just get worse. I would dump him.

 

A lap dance is as close as he can get to screwing another girl. Have you ever seen a video of some guy getting a dance? She literally grinds him and sometimes will let the guy feel her boobs, rub her boobs all over his face, rub his penis over his pants... Spread her pussy lips for him... it's cheating to me!

[RecordProducer]

Are a bunch of naked tarts really that important that you'd turn your back on the one you love and were previously prepared to commit to for the rest of your life?? According to my boyfriend - yes.

Frankly, I don't think your BF has a mindset of a faithful man. He discards your feelings easily, he is interested in other women's naked bodies, and actually let you know that if you try to restrict the freedom of his sexual pleasure, that he'll dump you. Where is the "Honey, I love you and those are just strippers" or anything to console you. Instead, he blackmails you that he won't commit to you unless he is allowed to have the girls.

 

Nothing in this world will convince me that he is a loyal type of person. And your friend.. Jesus, where do you dig all this men out?

 

If you still decide to marry him, just tell him that you're going to do everything he does, including dancing with naked males. And if doesn't like it, show him the door.

 

Cutegirl, great post! I totally agree. It's cheating. Penetration is not the only form of cheating. If I let a guy rub his body off of mine and touch me, I would definitely feel like I've cheated. Let alone if I knew my husband did it with someone. I'd kill his ass.

[rainfall]

There is nothing wrong with a women not wanting her man to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. It does not make the women insane, controlling, jealous, or a freak.

She doesn't want to have a naked stranger on top of her man. The is totally understandable. Lap dance is cheating in my opinon and many others. Its a bachelor party so of course there will be lap dances.Why should a man be allowed a free pass to cheat if that what his SO views a lap dance as? I would never marry someone who viewed one night with a stripper as more important then a lifetime with me.

[Carbine]

So basically, you believe that your bf's (both posters) would screw a hooker at the first available chance? That they'd jump on it in a heartbeat? [...]I'm still not sure what to think about both of your reactions... you believe that if your bf had even a tiny chance to **** someone else, then he'd take it? So why are you with these guys? It doesnt' make sense to me.

 

Did I say that?? For the record, no, I do not think he'd cheat at the drop of a hat! And where did i mention hookers? Just to reiterate, I was referring specifically to strippers at a bucks' night. If he touches a stripper at a bucks' night, he may not consider it cheating, but I certainly do. And I think that, because it's a bucks' night, then he'd use this excuse to justify his actions.

 

If you spent less time worrying about what he "could do" and more effort into making the sexual aspect of your relationship stronger... then you wouldn't have to worry much at all about him cheating on you

 

I do not worry about what he can and cant do, nor do i try and control him. I'm very easy going with most things. I don't give a rat's ass that he's a workaholic and puts his job first, works long and odd hours and all that. FFS, in the time we've been together he's even done things like getting very very drunk and disorderly, gotten arrested for using foul language in public, used drugs, and hung around with total f**kwit mates of his who don't enhance his life in any way, and who try to tell him that he shouldn't be with me. I never tell him what he can and can't do in regard to any of those things. Many of those things have the potential to throw a spanner in the works with our r'ship, and many have. But I don't feel like its up to me to exert any control over these things.

 

I bet strippers wouldn't even cross his mind if you were coming up with new ideas and more exciting things in the bedroom. I bet he wouldn't have a qualm with never going to a strip club if you were spending even 10% of this effort on how to really turn him on. If strip clubs are so threatening to you, then be pro-active. Tell him he can go, but he has to do something wild and kinky with you first. Send him off to his buddies with a happy post-orgasmic glow. Redirect this energy into something constructive, instead of the controlling destructive way it's being channeled in now.

 

Show him you're going to take care of his sexual needs, and place those at as the highest priority. No matter what kind of bachelor party he goes to, his or someone elses, he won't be tempted to taste others if he knows you are waiting at home to fulfill his sexual wants and needs.

 

WTF?! Since when have I been a shrinking violet when it comes to sex?? I'm anything but! His sexual needs are high priority for me, and while I don't lie down and spread my legs when he walks in the room, I have made it known to him that I'm there to please him sexually. I'm always willing to try new things, most of the time it's me who suggests them. To quote him during a recent argument: "If you weren't so f**king good in the sack, I'd dump you". (He was angry and i'm sure it's not entirely true). My ability to fulfill his sexual needs has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

 

No matter what kind of bachelor party he goes to he WILL engage in behaviour that I consider cheating (and that he'd probably feel guilty about in other circumstances) because he thinks it's his right to do so. Period.

 

On another note, are there male strip clubs in your area? Would your BF allow you to go spend money and time in one? I've never been, but had several female coworkers and friends that used to go every Wednesday night to see the men doff their clothes. It didn't appeal to me, maybe I'm not much of a visual person or something. And while completely heterosexual, I think the female body is more beautiful in general. But it would be a test of what is acceptable in your relationship. I assume you would not be interested that, but I am just thinking, thats all.

 

You're right, Im not interested in male strippers. Even if down the track i was having a hens' night, I can think of funner things to do than hang around with a bunch of male strippers. I don't think there are any male strip clubs round here, (i'm in the suburbs) but they're only a half hour drive. My bf said he wouldn't care if I went to see male strippers, he wouldn't even care if i got a lap dance. It just doesn't interest me in the slightest.

 

You have a choice ....shut up and get over it. Or realize he may be more interested in having fun then taking your feelings into serious consideration.

 

Shut up and get over it? Are you for real? Do you really think that's fair?? I would have assumed from your post that you're a male, if you hadn't implied otherwise. Also, re the mental trauma thing - maybe not for you but it certainly causes it for me!

 

Anywho, to get to your issue Carbine, I think the bigger problem is jealousy. You don't seem to to trust him whatsoever, do you have cause not to trust him?

 

Totally. He went on an interstate boys' weekend over a year ago, and got a couple of lap dances at strip clubs. He didn't only watch them dance, he touched them on the body and breasts. He probably did more but won't tell me. The conversation (once i'd calmed down) went something along the lines of:

 

me: "why did you do that??"

him: "because I was drunk and the laws in that state allow you to touch 'em"

 

Enough said.

 

Moreover, when we were discussing our potential marriage in the future he said that he'd do anything his best man would have planned out for his bucks' night and that he wouldn't have any control over what events took place that night, and "just because I'd touch a tit or so, doesn't mean i'm cheating".

 

Your fiance is right. It is about more than the strip clubs. Any issues a woman has before marriage will be magnified 100 times after marriage and if you are this controlling before being married it will get worse and he knows that.

 

He's not my fiance. He may be in the future, who knows? I was only speculating for the future. I don't see why my 'issues' will become worse after marriage. I'm concerned because he's been led to believe that a bucks' night is his last night of freedom, and it's what he'll do on that night that is the issue.

[Ladyjane14]

...he's a workaholic and puts his job first, works long and odd hours and all that....

 

...he's even done things like getting very very drunk and disorderly, gotten arrested for using foul language in public, used drugs, and hung around with total f**kwit mates of his who don't enhance his life in any way, and who try to tell him that he shouldn't be with me....

 

...To quote him during a recent argument: "If you weren't so f**king good in the sack, I'd dump you".....

 

...No matter what kind of bachelor party he goes to he WILL engage in behaviour that I consider cheating (and that he'd probably feel guilty about in other circumstances) because he thinks it's his right to do so. Period....

 

...He went on an interstate boys' weekend over a year ago, and got a couple of lap dances at strip clubs. He didn't only watch them dance, he touched them on the body and breasts. He probably did more but won't tell me. The conversation (once i'd calmed down) went something along the lines of:

 

me: "why did you do that??"

him: "because I was drunk and the laws in that state allow you to touch 'em"....

 

...he said that he'd do anything his best man would have planned out for his bucks' night and that he wouldn't have any control over what events took place that night....

 

Well, it sounds to me like he really HAS given you enough cause not to trust him. At the minimum, he's not prioritizing you in any kind of emotionally satisfying way. That's not likely to change unless he himself decides to change it.

 

I think if I were you, I'd amuse myself with him for as long as I was having fun... but he's not really marriage material as things currently stand. I'd move on when the fun was over. IOW, when he's no longer 'good enough in the sack' to put up with his bullsh*t... you dump HIM.

 

There's a slim possibility that if you stop acting like he's important and treat him like a piece of meat for six months... he might just decide that emotions are important.

I wouldn't hold out for it though.

[jmargel]

At my bachelor's party, my wife told me to go and have a great time at the strip club. She just told me she didn't want to know what happened. She went with some friends to a dance club.

 

Honestly it comes down to respect & honesty. At my strip club, even though my brother bought me a private VIP dance, really nothing went on. She took me into a back room, took off her clothes and crawled on top of me while I was on the couch (music was playing). Though to me there really wasn't any sexual excitement, because the way the girls were acting, they just treated it as a job. The men couldn't touch the girls and video cameras were all over the place. After about 2 hours we got tired and went home.

 

Now if I was going to do something sexual with those girls, all that means is that after marriage I would cheat on my wife anyways, so it's not whether it's a question of allowing him or not (which is a control issue) it's whether you trust him enough in that kind of an environment.

 

If you don't trust him, then you have other issues to sort out before you get married. This 'code of silence' is bull****. That's acting like a child. Unless he can become honest and straight up with you now, you'll be living on this 'edge' ten times worse after the marriage.

 

It's kinda looking at buying a car. You see this car that's really messed up on the lot, but for some reason you think by buying it, the problems will just go away. They don't and often get worse after the purchase. Sames goes for marriages. What you are seeing is a preview of things to come if you get married right now.

 

It's also about communication.. Instead of acting like a tyrant and saying 'I forbid you to goto a strip club', try saying 'It's upto you if you really want to go, but I would prefer you not too. If my friends know that you are going to one, good chance they'll want me to goto a male strip club as well. How are you with that?'. Then see his reaction. I bet you'll get a different answer from him.

[a4a]

Honestly it comes down to respect & honesty. At my strip club, even though my brother bought me a private VIP dance, really nothing went on. She took me into a back room, took off her clothes and crawled on top of me while I was on the couch (music was playing). Though to me there really wasn't any sexual excitement, because the way the girls were acting, they just treated it as a job. The men couldn't touch the girls and video cameras were all over the place. After about 2 hours we got tired and went home.

 

 

Well then why even bother and even take that path to start with? Seems silly to even go and risk hurting a SO's feelings. I don't understand the value of it.