"Till Bachelor Party Ultimatums do us Part"

[Carbine]

Because it will give me a second chance to be with the one I love, the one who loves me. The only person I could ever be happy with. It will give me a second chance to be a strong person, within myself, so that I don't drain him and drag him down. It will give me a chance to pay back the only person who stood by me when I was going over the edge 16 months ago, who saved me from anything worse any of you could imagine.

 

Please.

[Ripples]

You don't love him and he doesn't love you.

 

You cannot love anyone until you love yourself. However you feel he supported you, he also gave you abuse. That isn't love.

[sb129]

How will it give you a chance to pay back that person.

 

Carbine you have got to stop resting all your potential happiness on another persons shoulders. Especially when that guy is a miserable POS!!!

 

HE WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY.

 

You only think he will because right now you are hurting and alone, and sometimes the thought of being with someone, anyone, is better than the thought of being alone.

 

YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN, but give yourself a chance to heal!!!!!

 

True, healthy love between two people is something many people don't even understand until they are in their thirties, because thats when many people start to give themselves a break, relax, and love themselves more.

 

I think you need to think about this old saying you can't love another until you love yourself.

It has alot of significance to your life.

 

Please stop thinking tha your life is over at 25. If I was still with the guy I "loved" when I was 25 I would not be happy. I only got happy with myself last year!!!!

 

I don't have any magic tricks to make someone get back with another.. I am glad about that, because if I did, I may have done it a long time ago and be in one hell of a mess right now.

 

People break up for a reason.... Even if your ex reforms or whatever...YOU need time and space to heal YOURSELF.

[sb129]

You don't love him and he doesn't love you.

 

You cannot love anyone until you love yourself. However you feel he supported you, he also gave you abuse. That isn't love.

 

 

See? Me and Ripples are saying the same thing. And she is a wise lady.

 

Come on Carbine, you are better than this.

[Carbine]

That's fine then. I will not argue back.

[sb129]

Are we having our first fight?

 

We want you to be happy sweetheart.

[Carbine]

*sigh* no sb, we are not fighting. Why do you think that? C'mon, you've seen me 'fight' with people on here. I've neither the reason, desire or energy to fight with you.

 

Yes I want me to be happy too. But everyone is telling me what makes me happy. I know what makes me happy - him. Not all of the time, but i never put in the effort, and that was my fault. The happiness he gave me had potential to flourish. I ruined that.

 

I don't know what else to say. It seems that we're at a dead end.

[Sevenmack]

I'm not going to get into the stripper argument; I don't think going to one is the worst thing in the world and those women who have a problem with it do need to figure out their insecurities.

 

But physical and emotional abuse, I can't abide. Carbine's ex ought to be thrown to a pack of wolves. He's a low piece of dirt. And Carbine did the right thing by leaving; the relationship wasn't going to get better because he never respected himself, much less you.

 

At least you're out of there and can begin working on yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for dumping him and moving on.

[sb129]

*sigh* no sb, we are not fighting. Why do you think that? C'mon, you've seen me 'fight' with people on here. I've neither the reason, desire or energy to fight with you.

 

Yes I want me to be happy too. But everyone is telling me what makes me happy. I know what makes me happy - him. Not all of the time, but i never put in the effort, and that was my fault. The happiness he gave me had potential to flourish. I ruined that.

 

I don't know what else to say. It seems that we're at a dead end.

 

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!

 

Carbine, I was trying (and failed) to inject some humour into the situation.

How can he make you happy after what he did to you?????

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Abuse is NOT the victims fault. He is as much if not MORE to blame than you...

 

Ooo if only I could just reach into that computer and shake you....I feel like a mother hen towards you.....protective, angry and affectionate all at the same time.

 

If you get back with him I will come over there and DRAG you away from him. I will pack you off to my friends Mums house in Brisbane and you can stay there with the canetoads till you see some sense.

I mean it. DO NOT make me come over there... it won't be pretty.

 

Take charge. Laugh. Cry. Get your butt down the great ocean rd. Get chatted up by those crazy italians on lygon st...

BUT DO NOT CONTACT HIM>

[crazy_grl]

Because it will give me a second chance to be with the one I love, the one who loves me. The only person I could ever be happy with. It will give me a second chance to be a strong person, within myself, so that I don't drain him and drag him down.

 

How do you plan to be strong within yourself once you get him back? I can tell you from experience that it's a lot easier to become a strong, healthy individual when you're not in a relationship than it is when you're in one, especially one with a guy who abuses you.

 

Of course, it's hard when you first end up alone. It's miserable and lonely. But eventually you'll become happier than you ever were in your previous relationships and you'll be ready to have a relationship that's healthy and will enrich your (already happy) life. Like others already said, you can't love anybody until you love yourself. And if you love someone who hurts you, then you must hate yourself.

 

It will give me a chance to pay back the only person who stood by me when I was going over the edge 16 months ago, who saved me from anything worse any of you could imagine.

 

I doubt it was anything we can't imagine. You don't have the copyright on f*(k3d up shi*t happening to you and self-destructive behavior because of it. Like I said before, I don't care what you've been through, somebody has been through worse.

 

You seem to think the things you went through have made you weak and pathetic. But people who've survived these kinds of things have the potential to be much stronger than anybody who hasn't. They've lived through hell and know they can come out in one piece.

 

You have proof that you're a strong person. You just have to accept that you are.

 

You are not beyond help. If you were, I doubt you'd have the capacity to be posting anything rational right now... despite what one unqualified therapist thought. (I wonder if the reason you liked that one therapist so much was because he reinforced your idea that you are beyond help instead of challenging your preformed concept that you are.)

 

Yes I want me to be happy too. But everyone is telling me what makes me happy. I know what makes me happy - him.

 

I know you think you know what makes you happy. The reason we're all telling you that he won't make you truly happy is because we've been there and/or we've seen other people there.

 

If you're looking for another person to bring you happiness, you truly don't know what real happiness is. But that doesn't mean you can't find out. You just have to stop wallowing in misery and self-pity. Don't think I'm bashing you or angry at you for wallowing though. I know that stopping that habit is no easy task. When it's all you've known, it becomes comfortable. You have to choose to be happy and be prepared to get outside of that comfort zone.

 

Not all of the time, but i never put in the effort, and that was my fault. The happiness he gave me had potential to flourish. I ruined that.

 

He ruined that the first time he hit you.

 

Carbine, I wish I could just cram all this into your head and make you really get it. Unfortunately for you, it doesn't work that way. I hope some of it gets through though, because I'd like you to be happy.

[sb129]

Crazygirl- BRILLIANT post.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[stace79]

I won't lie and said I read the entire post or all the replies, but the thing that stuck out to me was that he called you an obscenity...something about "you won't be such a paranoid b****" when you're married.

 

Red flag...no guy I'm dating is going to refer to me in that disrespectful manner and get away with it. The man I fall in love with will have nothing but nice things to say, and when we DO argue, he certainly won't be referring to me with profanity.

 

That shows a lack of respect on his part. And you seem to have a real lack of trust for him. Maybe you SHOULD break up and look for someone who shares the values you seem to have (no porn, strippers, etc.).

[pricillia]

Carbine,

 

You may want him back becuase he is familar to you, he shared something with you that no was else has.

 

But at the same time he was and probably always be an abuser, that is not love.

 

He needs help and you will find someone else that you love, but not now, you need to give it some time.

 

You feel dependant towards him that is all.

[dropdeadlegs]

Carbine,

 

Hi baby, hope today was better than yesterday because that's all that matters.

 

I just read a bunch of posts that made so much sense and I hope you could HEAR them.

 

The pipe is your first demon to overcome. Easy? NO! Necessary? YES! It is step one in the process. the pipe is allowing you to have thoughts and feelings that will keep you right where you are. Other than this particular hurdle, I completely understand many of your feelings.

 

I know what it's like to feel that another person makes or breaks our happiness. I'm in a good place right now; I have someone who feeds my

"happiness" barometer. If he were gone tomorrow I hope that I have suffered enough, learned enough, in this game called love, that I would be able to carry on quite handily. Yet I doubt.

 

Your ability to continue to make posts is admirable, I hope it is helpful. I might be confined to my bed, yet you are stronger than that. That is indicative of quite a bit of strength in my simple mind. You go girl!

 

Keep your strength, and get help with getting off the pipe if you cannot do it alone. People do care!

[Carbine]

Hey guys...i'm still here, just don't have anything useful to say.

[Ripples]

How are you feeling now? What are your current thoughts on your situation? How are you feeling differently than you were a few days ago?

[Carbine]

Hi Ripples. Nothing's really changed, to be honest. I just feel this terrible sense of finality or something. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of him, and of those who have left me. I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel panicky. I don't feel depressed. I just feel a deep, draining sadness. I'm still working, but it's no longer enjoyable. I used to love my job, love the people I worked with. But now I'm barely operating on autopilot. My quality of work has plummetted.

 

Everything about life frightens me. I just don't see a way through the next sixty, seventy years other than suffering every conscious second.

[rtHawk]

Carbine

I know how you feel

I have been there once in my life, and swore to myself that no matter what I would never let myself go that far deep ever again.

YOu do not need to worry about the next 50-60 years..only today.

something that helped me then was to know that it was ok to feel sad and low and drained each day, but it did not have to be for the entire day and that it was OK to find something sweet or joyful if even for a second. you won't betray this depth by doing so, but it may help you up out of it a little at a time.

force yourself to take a walk each day...even if you hate it... you will find something to love in what you find so much sadness now...

there is another side...

remembering things, finding him in all places is ok.... that will be--- believe it or not , it is happening to him as well.

remember to find the STOP sign in your mind when you want those thoughts to go away...visualize a huge stop sign..replace the thoughts and then take the thought to a puppy or a kitten..find a friend in a dog or a cat...THEY WILL LOVE YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

 

hugs to you

[Ripples]

Hi Ripples. Nothing's really changed, to be honest. I just feel this terrible sense of finality or something. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of him, and of those who have left me. I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel panicky. I don't feel depressed. I just feel a deep, draining sadness. I'm still working, but it's no longer enjoyable. I used to love my job, love the people I worked with. But now I'm barely operating on autopilot. My quality of work has plummetted.

 

Everything about life frightens me. I just don't see a way through the next sixty, seventy years other than suffering every conscious second.

 

Ok, that's great. You're no longer feeling panicky or depressed. That's a huge step forward. Do you want to move past the rest of the feelings? Do you want to feel content? Do you want to enjoy your job again?

 

You are going through the grieving process, just like when someone close to us dies; when a relationship finishes, we grieve. Sadness is part of that. It's normal, human and, unlike when someone dies, it doesn't last forever. If, and it's a big if, you are prepared to choose to move past it. That may mean you need someone to guide you through it, would you be prepared to seek that guidance?

[Carbine]

My ex went on his stupid Road Trip a few days early - The Road Trip I was meant to go on too, as his girlfriend. He hurt me so much today, dragging me up to the shops to buy some last minute items. He knew that I'd jump at the chance to spend a few hours with him, and put me through the humiliation of helping him buy a camping mattress and a satin sheet - which I'm sure he's now sharing with some little s*** up there. The worst thing about today was that he was actually nice to me, obviously because he knows he has every right to come back in a few days time bragging about how he got laid. He's up there with his arsehole mates, all of whom hate me, and I know that they're going to encourage him to get with some girl, mostly to hurt me. I can't bear the thought of him up there with a bunch of beautiful girls in bikinis, exploring his new found freedom, kissing them, sleeping with them, and forgetting about me. This hurts too much. He won't turn his phone on, he says its out of range but I know it's so he doesn't have to talk to me. Screw this, screw him, screw everything. I did not ask to be dragged into the relationship with him. I wish I'd never ever met the piece of ****. I hate him now, I wish him nothing but suffering, sadness and pain for the rest of his guttersnipe ****ing life. In fact, I do hope he sleeps with some s*** up there. I hope he has blind drunk, unprotected sex and winds up catching an std that makes his dick wither and fall off.

 

On the upside though, I've made food my enemy, barely been eating a thing, actually haven't even been drinking much water, and as a result i've dropped down to 51kg (112lbs), so maybe if i keep this up I'll be thin and pretty again and he'll take me back.

 

Ok, that's great. You're no longer feeling panicky or depressed. That's a huge step forward. Do you want to move past the rest of the feelings? Do you want to feel content? Do you want to enjoy your job again?

 

I don't really care anymore ripples. Yeah of course i want those things but they're not going to happen. The only reason I enjoyed my job was because some part of me was at peace knowing that I had him. Without him, I couldn't care less. I'm on the verge of quitting, I'm sick of it, I've worked on the same stupid survey for 9 months on end, and it's doing my head in. The only 'career move' i'll make is to finish the one subject i've got left for uni. Not for me, for my dad who's made it clear to me that his love for me is contingent upon my academic performance. That way, whether I'm living or dead, at least he can tell himself "Oh well my daughter wasn't a complete failure, I mean, after all, she DID finish her marketing degree!".

 

You are going through the grieving process, just like when someone close to us dies; when a relationship finishes, we grieve. Sadness is part of that. It's normal, human and, unlike when someone dies, it doesn't last forever. If, and it's a big if, you are prepared to choose to move past it. That may mean you need someone to guide you through it, would you be prepared to seek that guidance?

 

Like a shrink? I've already stated what I think about those people. I'm not paying someone to tell me how to think and feel. They can take their DSM-IV's and stick 'em.

[Ripples]

My ex went on his stupid Road Trip a few days early - The Road Trip I was meant to go on too, as his girlfriend. He hurt me so much today, dragging me up to the shops to buy some last minute items. He knew that I'd jump at the chance to spend a few hours with him, and put me through the humiliation of helping him buy a camping mattress and a satin sheet - which I'm sure he's now sharing with some little s*** up there. The worst thing about today was that he was actually nice to me, obviously because he knows he has every right to come back in a few days time bragging about how he got laid. He's up there with his arsehole mates, all of whom hate me, and I know that they're going to encourage him to get with some girl, mostly to hurt me. I can't bear the thought of him up there with a bunch of beautiful girls in bikinis, exploring his new found freedom, kissing them, sleeping with them, and forgetting about me. This hurts too much. He won't turn his phone on, he says its out of range but I know it's so he doesn't have to talk to me. Screw this, screw him, screw everything. I did not ask to be dragged into the relationship with him. I wish I'd never ever met the piece of ****. I hate him now, I wish him nothing but suffering, sadness and pain for the rest of his guttersnipe ****ing life. In fact, I do hope he sleeps with some s*** up there. I hope he has blind drunk, unprotected sex and winds up catching an std that makes his dick wither and fall off.

 

On the upside though, I've made food my enemy, barely been eating a thing, actually haven't even been drinking much water, and as a result i've dropped down to 51kg (112lbs), so maybe if i keep this up I'll be thin and pretty again and he'll take me back.

 

So, you're saying that you hate him, you want him to die painfully etc. then you're saying you hope he'll take you back.

 

I don't really care anymore ripples. Yeah of course i want those things but they're not going to happen.

Ok, well only you can decide if those things are going to happen or not. You've obviously decided they won't.

 

The only reason I enjoyed my job was because some part of me was at peace knowing that I had him. Without him, I couldn't care less. I'm on the verge of quitting, I'm sick of it, I've worked on the same stupid survey for 9 months on end, and it's doing my head in. The only 'career move' i'll make is to finish the one subject i've got left for uni. Not for me, for my dad who's made it clear to me that his love for me is contingent upon my academic performance. That way, whether I'm living or dead, at least he can tell himself "Oh well my daughter wasn't a complete failure, I mean, after all, she DID finish her marketing degree!".

Right, so your self-esteem is based on what you think others think about you. In this case, your father.

 

Like a shrink? I've already stated what I think about those people. I'm not paying someone to tell me how to think and feel. They can take their DSM-IV's and stick 'em.

Ok, well, you've obviously decided what you're going to do and not going to do.

 

Hope it all works out for you.

[mental_traveller]

Your fiance is right. It is about more than the strip clubs. Any issues a woman has before marriage will be magnified 100 times after marriage and if you are this controlling before being married it will get worse and he knows that.

 

I agree 50%. She is being rather controlling. However, I think in this case the concern is justified, because it is odds on that her bf would, if not actually being out of line himself, have something "done to him" by his drunk mates at the bachelor party. Like being tied up naked with a stripper, having naked boobs shoved in his face etc. Why would there be a "code of silence" needed if nothing bad happened? It's like the saying "what happens on tour stays on tour" - it's only needed if there's secrets to be hidden.

 

When one of my friends had his bachelor party, we went to a strip joint (not a seedy one), had our normal quantity of beer (i.e. got drunk but not totally rat-arsed), and had a good time. There was no "lap dance" and the groom just had a good time ogling lots of attractive women getting their kit off. No guy present would have had anything to hide, and if the bride-to-be had walked in half way through when everyone was drunk, no one would have suddenly crapped their pants at being "discovered". But this boyfriend the poster is talking about sees it differently. He won't say what happened at the friend's bachelor do. He plans to do the same at his own. He would die at the thought of her finding out what would happen. That's bad news, Woggle, and it has nothing to do with women being controlling.

 

The problem the original poster has is that even a totally open "nice guy" bachelor party would really be off-limits to her. And yes, that is IMO way too controlling. I'd never marry a woman like that (not that I would get married anyway) and I'd advise any of my friends to dump a woman who thought that way.

 

OP - if you could have a trusted friend go to a future fiancees bachalor party, who would assure you that he'd stop anything out of line happening, would you then be ok with it? Or are you just dead set against the idea of *any* strip show thing? Is it fear of him cheating, or just that you are totally opposed to the whole idea?

[sb129]

My ex went on his stupid Road Trip a few days early - The Road Trip I was meant to go on too, as his girlfriend. He hurt me so much today, dragging me up to the shops to buy some last minute items. He knew that I'd jump at the chance to spend a few hours with him, and put me through the humiliation of helping him buy a camping mattress and a satin sheet - which I'm sure he's now sharing with some little s*** up there. The worst thing about today was that he was actually nice to me, obviously because he knows he has every right to come back in a few days time bragging about how he got laid. He's up there with his arsehole mates, all of whom hate me, and I know that they're going to encourage him to get with some girl, mostly to hurt me. I can't bear the thought of him up there with a bunch of beautiful girls in bikinis, exploring his new found freedom, kissing them, sleeping with them, and forgetting about me. This hurts too much. He won't turn his phone on, he says its out of range but I know it's so he doesn't have to talk to me. Screw this, screw him, screw everything. I did not ask to be dragged into the relationship with him. I wish I'd never ever met the piece of ****. I hate him now, I wish him nothing but suffering, sadness and pain for the rest of his guttersnipe ****ing life. In fact, I do hope he sleeps with some s*** up there. I hope he has blind drunk, unprotected sex and winds up catching an std that makes his dick wither and fall off.

 

On the upside though, I've made food my enemy, barely been eating a thing, actually haven't even been drinking much water, and as a result i've dropped down to 51kg (112lbs), so maybe if i keep this up I'll be thin and pretty again and he'll take me back.

 

 

 

I don't really care anymore ripples. Yeah of course i want those things but they're not going to happen. The only reason I enjoyed my job was because some part of me was at peace knowing that I had him. Without him, I couldn't care less. I'm on the verge of quitting, I'm sick of it, I've worked on the same stupid survey for 9 months on end, and it's doing my head in. The only 'career move' i'll make is to finish the one subject i've got left for uni. Not for me, for my dad who's made it clear to me that his love for me is contingent upon my academic performance. That way, whether I'm living or dead, at least he can tell himself "Oh well my daughter wasn't a complete failure, I mean, after all, she DID finish her marketing degree!".

 

 

 

Like a shrink? I've already stated what I think about those people. I'm not paying someone to tell me how to think and feel. They can take their DSM-IV's and stick 'em.

 

Carbine, WHY THE F____ AREN'T you exercising NO CONTACT.

NO CONTACT means NOT going to the camping shop with your loser ex.

He hurts you now because you are LETTING him.. STOP trying to call him. It just upsets you and he won't answer the phone anyway so don't even put yourself thru the grief of calling him.

You are (i think) an INTELLIGENT woman.

But you are VERY self absorbed right now, your self pity is getting out of control, and its making you very irrational.

Read the thousands of LS posts about no contact. IT WORKS.

 

As for the food thing- you should be smart enough to know that LOSING WEIGHT WON'T BRING YOUR MAN BACK. Being happy, confident and 20lbs heavier is FAR more attractive than being skinny and miserable. Ask any man on LS. If your guy is that shallow then he is even more of a loser than I thought.

Making food the enemy will perpetuate your misery. Your body needs fuel. It needs sleep. Both of these things are ESSENTIAL for a healthy functioning mind. And if you aren't drinking water then thats dangerous.

 

Ripples is right. You base your self esteem on what others think of you. It should be the other way round.

 

You need a good shake up girl.

You have had alot of good advice and support on this site and you have disregarded it all.

 

We can't help you if you keep throwing our advice and support back in our "faces".

Get a grip. You have ALOT of good things going for you. But I am not going to list them if its going to fall on deaf ears.

 

 

 

I agree 50%. She is being rather controlling. However, I think in this case the concern is justified, because it is odds on that her bf would, if not actually being out of line himself, have something "done to him" by his drunk mates at the bachelor party. Like being tied up naked with a stripper, having naked boobs shoved in his face etc. Why would there be a "code of silence" needed if nothing bad happened? It's like the saying "what happens on tour stays on tour" - it's only needed if there's secrets to be hidden.

Mental traveller shes broken up with the guy.

[sb129]

Carbine, just heard this song, and thought of you and how you feel like nobody understands and you are the only one feeling the way you do.These lyrics are relevant to your situation.

YOU are in control. Everyone goes thru problems. Life is for living.

And if Chris Martin megastar married to hot even more megastar can write these from the heart.... he has bad days too.

I usually find Coldplay far too cheesy. But I heard this and thought of you. NOw you try and tell me nobody cares.

 

 

"You're in control is there anywhere you wanna go?

You're in control is there anything you wanna know?

The futures for discovering

The space in which we're travelling.

From the top of the first page

To the end of the last days

From the start in your own way

you just want somebody listening to what you say

It doesn't matter who you are."

[Lennox]

Weird Al Yankovic

"You Don't Love Me Anymore"

 

We've been together for so very long

But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?

Seems you don't want me around

The passion is gone and the flame's died down

 

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem

That time that you made it with the whole hockey team

You used to think I was nice

Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist

 

Oh, why did you disconnect the breaks in my car?

That kind of thing is hard to ignore

Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

 

I knew that we were having problems when

You put those piranhas in my bathtub again

You're still the light of my life

Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

 

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way

You poison my coffee just a little each day

I still remember the way that you laughed

When you pushed me down that elevator shaft

 

Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra

Doing in my underwear drawer?

Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more

 

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill

Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will

You set my house on fire

You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers

 

Oh, you think that I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap

You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep

You drilled a hole in my head

Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead

 

Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all

You never acted this way before

Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no

Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

 

 

*hugs Carbine* Lots of us have been where you are. I wish you well!