"Till Bachelor Party Ultimatums do us Part"

[Woggle]

Men who frequent strip clubs may be objectifying women as sex toys, but it's a two way street, Ladies, due to the fact those strippers are objectifying men as walking ATM's.

 

Exactly. Probably one of the most honest exchanges between men and women there is.

[Carbine]

That was exactly my point, that in every thread like this, the OP will get a huge amount of 'you are just insecure' comments that don't really help at all.

 

First off, I don't really care if the only reason you don't want him to go is b/c of your insecurity- if that's the case. What I care about was his response. And it showed me he is not marriage material. Heck, I don't even think he is dating material myself. It doesn't matter WHY you feel a certain way, the fact is, you feel it. And if he isn't even willing to have an adult conversation about it, why waste your time? He has already told you in no uncertain terms exactly how he feels. He wasn't exaggerating, he didn't make an error, that is how he feels. Listen to him and act accordingly. The problem is that many people, when faced with giving up something they enjoy that hurts their partner, will try to make the partner feel guilty for wanting to talk about it. The fact that you have that gut instinct that is telling something is wrong is significant.

 

Well it doesn't matter anymore anyway. He called it off last night - no chance of us ever getting back together. The best I can hope for is to be 'friends'. Nothing more.

 

If I wasn't such a goddamn f***king useless coward (despite all the nice stuff ladyjane said about me) suicide would be a perfectly rational option right now.

[rtHawk]

Dear Carbine

I know words don't matter much now and your heart will break but PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS:

 

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE....

 

to compromise yourself in your heart and in your soul, is NOT worth it.

YOU WILL COME TO A PLACE WITH ONE WHO CAN SUPPORT THAT WITH YOU ONE DAY.

[Carbine]

Dear Carbine

I know words don't matter much now and your heart will break but PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS:

 

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE....

 

to compromise yourself in your heart and in your soul, is NOT worth it.

YOU WILL COME TO A PLACE WITH ONE WHO CAN SUPPORT THAT WITH YOU ONE DAY.

 

Thanks rtHawk but I've been true to myself all my life. 25 years and where's it gotten me? Nowhere. I loved him so f***ing much. He was everything to me. He was all i had left, the only person who stuck by me when everyone else discarded me for greener pastures. I loved him and I loved him and I loved him but it wasn't anywhere near good enough was it? This goes beyond heart break for me. I've had it with life. I'm tired, I'm so f***ing tired of life and waking up to the same thing every single day only to receive yet another kick in he teeth from life.

 

I give up. I can't do this anymore. I give up on life. I give up on people. I give up on all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. The only thing I won't give up on is existing. I'll live out this lonely f****** hateful life for as long as I have to. 60, 70 years of f***ing torture and hope to god I never ever come back, because ive done everything I can to make something of myself and I've failed. Hence the reason I won't go and simply cut my losses now - no doubt I'd manage to **** that up and end up in a wheelchair or worse.

 

Despite what you say, I wish I HAD compromised my heart and soul. I wish I'd listened to everyone on here and sucked down my bitterness and sadness, and let him have what he wanted. But no, I had to be a stupid arrogant pigheaded fool that I am and screw things up yet again for myself. Hiding here behind my computer coz I knew it all didn't I??!! And meanwhile he was slipping away from me. I bet everyone' heres having a good old laugh at me now, but i'm past caring anymore. I'd let him do anything just to have him back - even the physical abuse, the night he threw me across the room into a wooden desk, then kicked me over and over in the base of my spine and on my head - i'd put up with that every single day just to have him here with me. My god, I thought the pain from that night was bad, but what I'm feeling now...it's that pain multiplied millions of times over.

 

I wish I'd shut the hell up when I had the chance and let him have his stupid porn, his stupid strippers and everything else that he believed were his god given rights. At least that way he'd be here next to me and I wouldn't be sitting here alone in this huge silent empty house staring out into the blackness for another night, another year, another f****** useless lifetime.

[norajane]

No, sweets, no one here is laughing at you at all. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[Ladyjane14]

Whoa girl... 25 is way to young to give up on life.

 

You know, you have persisted in NOT seeing this guy for what he was. You've allowed your emotional response to his somewhat dubious 'charms' to blind you.

 

I'm not emotionally attached to him... so just in what you've said before this I ALREADY saw him as 'a mean kid sitting on an anthill'. He took your fears and magnified them until they burst into flames. He looked for weak points in your self-esteem and exploited them in order to get a reaction from you. It's all about feeding his own ego.. because if he can get you to turn yourself inside out for him, that means he's IMPORTANT.

 

And now you're telling us that he's literally BEATEN you?

 

Honey, what he's done emotionally to you was the SAME EXACT THING. Just beating you down so he can feed his own ego and feel important.

 

You know what? It hurts to be wrong. But you didn't size this guy up well enough. And just because you were wrong about him, doesn't mean that you won't have the ability to weigh and measure the next guy. Live and learn, right? You've learned something valuable in this experience if nothing else.

 

There are better men than what you've had. I'm old enough to be your mama... and I'm telling you so. There are guys out there who would NEVER treat a woman so badly.... guys who wouldn't be able to look at their own reflection in the mirror without seeing a GIANT ASS if they knew they'd behaved like that.

 

My advice to you.... Dry up, blow your nose, and get yourself out of the house today. Get a manicure, shop for a new purse, see a movie... whatever. That guy doesn't DESERVE the first one of your tears.

[Mr. Lucky]

Carbine:

 

You and I haven't agreed on a number of things but I admire how you've stood up here for what you believe in. Rely on that strength now. Go back and read your posts and see you honest desciption of your BF. Liar, cheater and abuser. You deserve better and I'm pulling for you to find it. Keep talking to us.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ripples]

Carbine, I think you know that he's no good. Even talking about the abuse in the context you put it, doesn't hide the fact that he's a very nasty piece of work, and you know it.

 

You also seem to be saying that this is all you feel you deserve, would that be accurate?

 

If you are feeling this way, know that you don't deserve it. Not because you're some wonderous being (although you well may be), you don't deserve it because you are a human being with all the frailties, all the strengths, all the weaknesses, all the beauty, all the ugliness that each and everyone of us has in our own way.

 

You are human, that and that alone means you deserve to be treated with dignity, with respect and with love. Don't ever settle for less in the hope you won't be lonely.

 

Carbine, it's not realistic to think some of the things that you are. Your thinking is getting the better of you and making you feel in ways that are not helping you. For instance, that thing about failing? Well, we know that's not true. You're intelligent, you're articulate, you have great imagination and as LJ has already said, you have a great capacity for self-awareness.

 

Do some research on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

[Lennox]

*hugs* Carbine

 

I wish I had a crystal ball so I could show you what the future would have been like with this guy with the attitudes he has. You think you're lonely now and I know you probably are. But, nothing feels as lonely as being married with the wrong man that disregards your feelings like this guy did. Abusers will typically cut you off from your friends and family so that you will feel REALLY lonely and incapable of escaping the abusive situation.

 

All the things he was doing, including abusing you were only bound to get worse. Probably the best thing he did for you was to leave, at least your still alive.

 

And please, you're not some old maid at 25 hun. You're just beginning life. If you settle with being with an abuser, that's what you're going to wind up with. It's a self fulfilling prophesy.

 

I urge you to contact the following so you can talk things out.

 

Lifeline

13 11 14

24 hour Crisis Hotline

 

That's the phone number listed for a help line in Australia. Please make the call! Take care of yourself and keep writing here. There is absolutely no one in here laughing at you. From what I can see, we have a wide variety of people that are genuinely concerned for your welfare.

[sb129]

Carbine, no-one is laughing at you.

 

I feel your pain, and know how sh** it can feel. But don't wish that you hadn't spoken out about something you feel strongly about.

I think it sounds like your ex has done you a favour- he's set you free.

You are worth much more than what he was dealing out to you.

It will take time for you to see that.

You have a fair old bit of living to do too! The best bits are yet to come.

 

Good ways to recover from a breakup are EAT well, EXERCISE (it really really really really does help, its even scientifically proven) try to sleep well, and keep talking to people.

 

It will get better.

Thinking of you.

[CynicalP]

Carbine, when you look outside yourself for validation and acceptance your setting yourself up for huge disappointment . Trust and love yourself first, then share that foundation with another. You can't have someone's love or lack of love define you as a person. Don't relinquish that type of power over to your BF, stand firm in your belief and morals and carry on. Being alone is not a fate worst then death. Remember any man that is abusive (either physical or verbally) is unworthy of your time and attention. Once some time has past and you reflect on this you will see that you are indeed better off without him then with him. All the best to you, Carbine. Chin up!

[Salicious Crumb]

Carbine....personally I think it is wrong to go to strip clubs if you are committed to someone else.

 

If your partner was good enough for you, why the hell would you need to go?

It is very disrespectful if you ask me.

 

Me and a girlfriend, who wanted to marry me, disagreed on this. She asked what I was going to do for a bachelor party and I told her that we would be going to a casino. She of course wanted some guys crotch in her face...I said, "What??". I told her I didn't like it and she said, well I don't care what you say, I am gonna marry you for the rest of my life, I'm gonna have fun one last time.

 

I never called her again....although she came over and we had it out. I told her I didn't want a girl that didn't think I was good enough for her to grab another guy's d!ck. So it was over.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks rtHawk but I've been true to myself all my life. 25 years and where's it gotten me? Nowhere. I loved him so f***ing much. He was everything to me. He was all i had left, the only person who stuck by me when everyone else discarded me for greener pastures. I loved him and I loved him and I loved him but it wasn't anywhere near good enough was it? This goes beyond heart break for me. I've had it with life. I'm tired, I'm so f***ing tired of life and waking up to the same thing every single day only to receive yet another kick in he teeth from life.

 

I give up. I can't do this anymore. I give up on life. I give up on people. I give up on all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. The only thing I won't give up on is existing. I'll live out this lonely f****** hateful life for as long as I have to. 60, 70 years of f***ing torture and hope to god I never ever come back, because ive done everything I can to make something of myself and I've failed. Hence the reason I won't go and simply cut my losses now - no doubt I'd manage to **** that up and end up in a wheelchair or worse.

 

Despite what you say, I wish I HAD compromised my heart and soul. I wish I'd listened to everyone on here and sucked down my bitterness and sadness, and let him have what he wanted. But no, I had to be a stupid arrogant pigheaded fool that I am and screw things up yet again for myself. Hiding here behind my computer coz I knew it all didn't I??!! And meanwhile he was slipping away from me. I bet everyone' heres having a good old laugh at me now, but i'm past caring anymore. I'd let him do anything just to have him back - even the physical abuse, the night he threw me across the room into a wooden desk, then kicked me over and over in the base of my spine and on my head - i'd put up with that every single day just to have him here with me. My god, I thought the pain from that night was bad, but what I'm feeling now...it's that pain multiplied millions of times over.

 

I wish I'd shut the hell up when I had the chance and let him have his stupid porn, his stupid strippers and everything else that he believed were his god given rights. At least that way he'd be here next to me and I wouldn't be sitting here alone in this huge silent empty house staring out into the blackness for another night, another year, another f****** useless lifetime.

 

Carbine: I'm not sure where to start...but life is not a dress rehearsal...there is no do-over...

 

Read your post as if someone else posted it...what advice would you give them...

 

I went through your posts (on other threads) and saw the one about what happened to you when you were a child...I am so sorry that you had to endure that...You did not deserve that, the same way that you do not deserve the treatment you have received now....

 

Why would you give up on life because of a man? What has he done for you? Not a damn thing but hurt and disrespect you...He is the not the reason that you live--YOU ARE!!! You can do anything that you set your mind to...Don't let him take away your fighting spirit...YOU ARE A SURVIVOR...

 

The goal of life is not to get married, the goal of life is to love ourselves and each other...25 years and where has that gotten you? To a place that you can finally look at yourself and make better decisions...this man is not the be-all/end-all...he is simply a man and if he doesn't know how to treat a woman, that's not your fault at all...that is his deficiency...He has nothing to do with what you have accomplished in life, YOU DO!!!

 

Bad things, horrible things happen to everyone in this life, but it is what you choose to learn from these things that really make you...Why would you let an abusive, disrespectful, pig of a man take your hopes and dreams and life from you? He is not worth it...NO ONE is worth that...

 

You need to realize that you are a BEAUTIFUL, CAPABLE, STRONG FEMALE no matter what you think you look like...that you deserve to be loved and respected simply because you are human being and should be treated as such...

 

I really think that you need to tell someone about how you feel, either a parent or friend or counselor...let someone help you...there are alot of unresolved issues from the abuse you suffered as a child and now...the cycle of abuse must be stopped...

 

You are in my prayers...keep posting and let us know how you are doing...those here at LS care about you...

[frannie]

Just wanted to add my voice to those saying no one is laughing at you. I've been where you are, about five years ago... I was definitely there. And from what you're writing here you can most certainly get yourself out of this. Yes, life is a struggle, but it CAN also be ok... there are people out there who have felt like you do... and can help you. Don't feel like you're all alone... because you're not. You're not. That hellish black **** all around IS negotiable... believe me. It might not look like it, but it is. Just hold on and keep posting.

[stillhere]

Sweetie, i was where you are at one time in my life. I was with a man who abused me. No, we weren't engaged, but i thought i was going to marry him.

 

He held a gun to my head because i brought my sister with me to a mutual friends house where they had smoked weed. His solution, hold a gun to my head to scare the hell out of me because he was worried my sis would go back and tell my parents about what was going on.

 

He hit me often, but he was "smart" about it. He would hit me so that my bruises wouldn't be seen.

 

The last straw came when i got a cheeseburger for a friend. He grabbed it out of my hands and screamed at me because it's not the kind he wanted. It wasn't even for him! He punched me in the face (he screwed up that time, his anger took over) and told me to go back and get the right one. My other friend witnessed this, and laid him out on the floor with one blow to the head. I cried, as he laid there bleeding. My friend told me that he was not worth it. I did NOT deserve to be treated like that.

 

I'll tell you what, i turned around, walked out the door, and never looked back. My friend was right. NO man should ever ever ever hit a woman. No man should ever disrespect a woman the way mine and yours did. He was a coward. He had to feed his ego by putting me down.

 

I want you to realize that no one here, or anywhere, thinks this is a funny situation. No one here is laughing at you. You are in pain. You think your world has come crashing down. It hasn't. You will find an amazing guy who treats you like a princess, and you will look back and see your ex for what he truely was. You will thank him for letting you go, because you don't deserve the way he has treated you. He has acted like a 5 year old who didn't get his way, so he would beat it into you. Wrong! That's not how a REAL man acts.

 

I wish you luck. You will find the peace and happiness you deserve. Please go see a counselor, and continue posting. We will all do what we can to help you out.

[pureinheart]

Thanks rtHawk but I've been true to myself all my life. 25 years and where's it gotten me? Nowhere. I loved him so f***ing much. He was everything to me. He was all i had left, the only person who stuck by me when everyone else discarded me for greener pastures. I loved him and I loved him and I loved him but it wasn't anywhere near good enough was it? This goes beyond heart break for me. I've had it with life. I'm tired, I'm so f***ing tired of life and waking up to the same thing every single day only to receive yet another kick in he teeth from life.

 

I give up. I can't do this anymore. I give up on life. I give up on people. I give up on all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. The only thing I won't give up on is existing. I'll live out this lonely f****** hateful life for as long as I have to. 60, 70 years of f***ing torture and hope to god I never ever come back, because ive done everything I can to make something of myself and I've failed. Hence the reason I won't go and simply cut my losses now - no doubt I'd manage to **** that up and end up in a wheelchair or worse.

 

Despite what you say, I wish I HAD compromised my heart and soul. I wish I'd listened to everyone on here and sucked down my bitterness and sadness, and let him have what he wanted. But no, I had to be a stupid arrogant pigheaded fool that I am and screw things up yet again for myself. Hiding here behind my computer coz I knew it all didn't I??!! And meanwhile he was slipping away from me. I bet everyone' heres having a good old laugh at me now, but i'm past caring anymore. I'd let him do anything just to have him back - even the physical abuse, the night he threw me across the room into a wooden desk, then kicked me over and over in the base of my spine and on my head - i'd put up with that every single day just to have him here with me. My god, I thought the pain from that night was bad, but what I'm feeling now...it's that pain multiplied millions of times over.

 

I wish I'd shut the hell up when I had the chance and let him have his stupid porn, his stupid strippers and everything else that he believed were his god given rights. At least that way he'd be here next to me and I wouldn't be sitting here alone in this huge silent empty house staring out into the blackness for another night, another year, another f****** useless lifetime.

 

Hey Carbine....

 

Wow....GEL is right....what would your advice be to this post????

 

When we are not true to ourselves and compromise what WE know to be true, then we lie to ourselves and walk in much self hatred. It is my hope that you are true to yourself another 50+ years!

 

I think this runs much deeper than the "porn and stripper" issues...what I see here is addiction/control in him and possible co-dependancy on your part....the reason I say this is because of your reaction to the break up.

 

I am crying with you, not lauphing at all....Carbine, the normal reaction to sticking to ones own instincts and morals, which is hurtful and very painful, although at the same time there is a heightened sense of self worth because we stood our ground at all costs.

 

I know right now you think you can't live without him, trust me, you have not been able to live with him.....where your at right now would have happened anyway.

 

And for the record, you are not insecure because you don't like your man being into porn and strippers....personally, I think they are because they are into it and say it's okay....

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you AT ALL....he SOLD you out for a "fantacy" quickie.....

 

In one of your previous posts you said you wanted to loose some weight....well hey if you want I have 25 freaking pounds on me...we can do it together if you still need to loose the weight...

 

Kick that fool to the curb in your heart, get your hair cut, do your nails, soak in a bath....spend all of your free time working on you....hey you said you were beyond attractive (I think you said something to that effect in another thread)....so find a cool guy....screw that fool....girl stand up and be noticed....and stick to what YOU believe!

 

Hey sometime check out the stuff on co-dependancy and sexual addictions on the internet, it taught me a lot about my own former situation....((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

[Carbine]

And now you're telling us that he's literally BEATEN you?

 

Hey Ladyjane, yes, he physically abused me. Not a lot but it did happen. I wouldn't say it was bad enough to constitute a 'beating'. It was more just him having violent outbursts in response to whatever it was that I did to piss him off.

 

His last gf wasn't so lucky. She ended up with a broken jaw and several other broken bones. Her grandmother (who's house it occurred at) had a heart attack when he kicked the door down and broke in. He himself ended up nearly copping 35 years in the slammer...but mummy and daddy paid copious amounts of money to keep him out of prison.

 

You also seem to be saying that this is all you feel you deserve, would that be accurate?

If you are feeling this way, know that you don't deserve it.

 

I don't know whether or not i deserve it, but i've certainly come to expect nothing more out of life. I don't know whether it's me, or circumstances I get dealt, or both...but I've been fighting the same battle for years now. I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm jaded. People are always like "try new things, change your attitude, do things differently" and believe me I've done it all. And no matter what path I take, or what attitude I adopt, I wind up back at f**ked up square one. It's the same s*** every time, no matter how things start, they end up the same. Every time it's just different actors giving a fresh new twist the same old scene. Whether it's my ex throwing me across the room, my dad turning his back on me to start a new life overseas, or one of my so called friends turning on me with vicious enjoyment - it's the same thing. Nothing changes.

 

From what I can see, we have a wide variety of people that are genuinely concerned for your welfare.

 

Yeah well you guys are the only ones who give a stuff. Outside of cyberspace land, nobody in the real world gives a flying f*** whether I live or die. My ex recently summed it up beautifully for me "You should be thrown in a mental institution, but nobody cares enough about you to make the effort".

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

I went through your posts (on other threads) and saw the one about what happened to you when you were a child...I am so sorry that you had to endure that...You did not deserve that, the same way that you do not deserve the treatment you have received now....

 

Well now you know where my issues spring from, and just how deep-seated they are. Now, I know that some people are going to jump down my throat with bull**** like "Oh, don't blame the poor rapist for all your problems!" but for once, oh, spare me, please. I'm a classic f***ing classic textbook case for a childhood rape victim. All this crap - the psychotic jealousy, eating disorders, self-harm, depression - it all comes from what he did to me. I try and fight it every day, from the second I leave my room to the second i return at night I'm fighting to live a normal life with all this **** threatening to overwhealm me.

 

Why would you give up on life because of a man? What has he done for you? Not a damn thing but hurt and disrespect you...He is the not the reason that you live--YOU ARE!!! You can do anything that you set your mind to...Don't let him take away your fighting spirit...YOU ARE A SURVIVOR...

 

It's not because of him, trust me. The 'giving up on life' process has been a long time in the works, he's just the last straw. He was all that was keeping me going. It had nothing to do with love, it was just...him. He was my other half. My better half. I know that seems crazy but if you guys knew me in real life, you'd probably agree.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Anyway, i wanted to thank each and every one of you who replied so quickly to my distressed post. I read every single reply two or three times over when I got up this morning, and it helped. I wish I had the energy and drive to thank and reply to each of you individually, but been trying to type for nearly two hours now, i haven't slept the last couple of nights, and all i want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep until i have to get up for work in a few hours =(.

 

As for me, I'm not doing the best. I could lie and say that I'm coping, but you all know i'm not like that. I had guests from overseas staying with me for the last few months. They left in a taxi for the airport ten minutes ago. I didn't particularly like any of them that much, but at least they were living, moving beings in the house...now this place seems to have doubled in size in the ten mintues they've been gone. The silence, the hollowness...and the stillness...its doing my head in. It's middle of the day here, and I already feel this way. I'm absolutely dreading the night. I feel abandoned and I feel lonely and i feel f***ing scared scared scared...and so very alone.

 

So with all the **** that's been going on over the last few days, I gave in and went back to the only thing left in the world that gives me a little bit of strength to get through. Not a person, not a set of beliefs. Just a thing. A little thing that stops me hurtling headlong into the f**king black void of sadness, loneliness and pain that's been sucking me down my whole life.

 

I hate myself for it.

[Wantingtogetitright]

you seem quite capable of using the internet so do a search for support groups in your area, find a counsellor, psychologist, doctor, anyone that can start you on the road to recovery.

 

You need to find things to occupy yourself, you need to make new friends, you need to rediscover the real you, the wonderful person inside. We are all wonderful on the inside and it is things and situations caused by others and ourselves to a certain extent that cause the wonderfulness to head back inside. It is much easier to hate than it is to love and this includes our own selves.

 

Until you find you and get you back and realise who you are and what you need and want and believe in yourself you will continue this cycle.

 

You obviously want to do it, you are reaching out for help here which is just basically people with opinions and thoughts and shared experiences which whilst good is not the total answer.

 

Please please please seek proper help, so much of what has happened has caused you to have some completely topsy turvy views on things which are the compleet opposite to what is right and wrong, good and bad, acceptable or unacceptable.

[BenThereDunThat]

Oh, honey! Please, please, please listen to me!!!

 

First of all, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL - Do not EVER forget that.

 

You have SO MUCH to offer. I know it's hard to see that right now. Believe me, I KNOW that.

 

Oh my gosh, you sound so much like me!!! No, it wasn't HIM that did it, he was just the LAST STRAW....

 

I'm going crazy here, wishing I could reach through this monitor and get at you right now.

 

You are not the ONLY ONE who has these thoughts...please KNOW that!

[BenThereDunThat]

And believe me, I so know what it's like to be TIRED. I just get so TIRED a lot. But guess what? You can get some rest....sleep a little, laugh a little, whatever.

 

It DOES get better. I wish, wish, wish I knew the words right now to make you see that.

 

What are your favorite things?

 

Mine are, the smell of spring, the smell of fresh-cut grass, a cat nudging me and purring in my ear, a song I haven't heard in FOREVER suddenly coming on the radio, an unexpected BELLY LAUGH (those are the best!), the first daffodils blooming in the spring, birds chirping outside my window.

 

Sometimes that's all there is, one of those things mentioned above. And sometimes we think, man, is that it? But guess what? Any ONE of those things is HUGE and BEAUTIFUL!

[dropdeadlegs]

Oh, honey! Please, please, please listen to me!!!

 

First of all, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL - Do not EVER forget that.

 

You have SO MUCH to offer. I know it's hard to see that right now. Believe me, I KNOW that.

 

Oh my gosh, you sound so much like me!!! No, it wasn't HIM that did it, he was just the LAST STRAW....

 

I'm going crazy here, wishing I could reach through this monitor and get at you right now.

 

You are not the ONLY ONE who has these thoughts...please KNOW that!

 

And believe me, I so know what it's like to be TIRED. I just get so TIRED a lot. But guess what? You can get some rest....sleep a little, laugh a little, whatever.

 

It DOES get better. I wish, wish, wish I knew the words right now to make you see that.

 

What are your favorite things?

 

Mine are, the smell of spring, the smell of fresh-cut grass, a cat nudging me and purring in my ear, a song I haven't heard in FOREVER suddenly coming on the radio, an unexpected BELLY LAUGH (those are the best!), the first daffodils blooming in the spring, birds chirping outside my window.

 

Sometimes that's all there is, one of those things mentioned above. And sometimes we think, man, is that it? But guess what? Any ONE of those things is HUGE and BEAUTIFUL!

 

I have been sitting here for hours wishing I had the right words myself.

 

I have felt I had less worth than dirt. I don't doubt that I may feel that way again at some point. Depression is so horrible and it clouds every part of one's life. It makes the world so dark and lonely. But there is so much beauty if we can only bring ourselves to accept even the most simplest of pleasures, like those listed above. Lifting the darkness and seeing the tiniest bit of light can be so uplifting to the soul.

 

I also know about being so tired. Too tired to even care. Too tired to be able to see any beauty at all, especially within myself.

 

Your world and your view of it can change. I really recommend seeing a doctor. There are medications that can get you through the rough spot and allow you to think more clearly so that you can see that there is always hope for light and laughter and love. Sometimes it all seems so bleak that we just cannot recognize that anymore.

 

You are so much more powerful than you know right now. Please make a phone call, see your family doctor if that's all you can muster at this time. It's a step, and one baby step followed by another are giant leaps.

[sb129]

His last gf wasn't so lucky. She ended up with a broken jaw and several other broken bones. Her grandmother (who's house it occurred at) had a heart attack when he kicked the door down and broke in. He himself ended up nearly copping 35 years in the slammer...but mummy and daddy paid copious amounts of money to keep him out of prison.

 

Yeah well you guys are the only ones who give a stuff. Outside of cyberspace land, nobody in the real world gives a flying f*** whether I live or die. My ex recently summed it up beautifully for me "You should be thrown in a mental institution, but nobody cares enough about you to make the effort".

"Oh, don't blame the poor rapist for all your problems!" but for once, oh, spare me, please. I'm a classic f***ing classic textbook case for a childhood rape victim. All this crap - the psychotic jealousy, eating disorders, self-harm, depression - it all comes from what he did to me. I try and fight it every day, from the second I leave my room to the second i return at night I'm fighting to live a normal life with all this **** threatening to overwhealm me.

 

So with all the **** that's been going on over the last few days, I gave in and went back to the only thing left in the world that gives me a little bit of strength to get through. Not a person, not a set of beliefs. Just a thing. A little thing that stops me hurtling headlong into the f**king black void of sadness, loneliness and pain that's been sucking me down my whole life.

 

 

I hate myself for it.

 

Carbine, babe. Please get yourself to a doctor. It sounds like you are depressed, and depression is a very scary thing when you are suffering it. There is a point with depression where "getting over it and carrying on with life as if nothing is wrong" is NOT an option.

It sounds like your poor brain has had so much stress and sh** to deal with that its chemistry is way out and it needs help. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and sometimes it needs extra help to cope.

Thats what anti-depressant medications are for. I had six months on prozac lastyear after self harm/stress etc, and it gave me space to get a bit of perspective, clarity, and most of all, time to look after myself.

It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I know about the blackness, the fear and the sadness. And it CAN get better, I promise. But youcan't do it all alone.

 

If you are this low, you shouldn't BE at work. Most GPs will sign people off for a month if they are depressed.

My GP was amazing. She advised a simple daily routine, good food, NO alcohol, lots of sleep and regular exercise as well as the medication. And counselling, which should be available to you free from somewhere.

It worked for me, it took time, but it worked.

 

What everyone else is saying is true. You need to love yourself. And YOU CAN do that.

 

Your ex BF sounds like a right piece of work. In fact, I am so furious with him right now he had better watch out cos cyberspace has more power than you think. There are a few people from all corners of the globe on this thread that would like to give HIM a broken jaw, let me tell you.

 

Don't give up.

 

You sound like an articulate, intelligent worthy person...

 

Look after yourself.

Thinking of you still

[Carbine]

It is much easier to hate than it is to love and this includes our own selves.

 

That's just the thing though, I feel nothing. If i felt something, i'd welcome it. Hate? Hate doesn't worry me. I've used hate and anger to further myself in the past. But now all I feel is an overwhealming, intense rush of emotion, and then nothing. I can't act upon it, i cant channel or harness it like i used to. It fizzles out and dies, just dissapears into...god knows where. It doesnt dissapear into thin air though, I know that much, because every time it happens it drains me and ages me just that little bit more. Guys, I think I just stumbled across the true meaning of 'soul destroying'.

 

What are your favorite things?

 

Mine are, the smell of spring, the smell of fresh-cut grass, a cat nudging me and purring in my ear, a song I haven't heard in FOREVER suddenly coming on the radio, an unexpected BELLY LAUGH (those are the best!), the first daffodils blooming in the spring, birds chirping outside my window

 

I don't know what they are. I can't remember. For the last four years, all i've really cared about is a synthetic ****ing goddamn substance that promises me it will ease my pain for just another day. Just another week. Month. Year. My god I feel like a total loser talking about this **** but I don't see the point in painting a rosy picture of my life and of who I am.Yeah, I'm royally f***ked up, sometimes I seriously seriously think beyond repair.

 

You know, I couldn't even bring myself to read through your list of favourite things. The first couple of items brought tears to my eyes. To an observer, your list is full of beautiful things that should trigger positive, happy thoughts. But the intensity of the grief that cut into me just then was...consuming. I can't fight something that strong, I just don't have that sort of strength in me.

 

I really recommend seeing a doctor. There are medications that can get you through the rough spot and allow you to think more clearly so that you can see that there is always hope for light and laughter and love. Sometimes it all seems so bleak that we just cannot recognize that anymore.

 

You are so much more powerful than you know right now. Please make a phone call, see your family doctor if that's all you can muster at this time. It's a step, and one baby step followed by another are giant leaps.

Carbine, babe. Please get yourself to a doctor. It sounds like you are depressed, and depression is a very scary thing when you are suffering it. There is a point with depression where "getting over it and carrying on with life as if nothing is wrong" is NOT an option.

It sounds like your poor brain has had so much stress and sh** to deal with that its chemistry is way out and it needs help. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and sometimes it needs extra help to cope.

Thats what anti-depressant medications are for. I had six months on prozac lastyear after self harm/stress etc, and it gave me space to get a bit of perspective, clarity, and most of all, time to look after myself.

It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I know about the blackness, the fear and the sadness. And it CAN get better, I promise. But youcan't do it all alone.

 

If you are this low, you shouldn't BE at work. Most GPs will sign people off for a month if they are depressed.

My GP was amazing. She advised a simple daily routine, good food, NO alcohol, lots of sleep and regular exercise as well as the medication. And counselling, which should be available to you free from somewhere.

It worked for me, it took time, but it worked.

 

I've been to plenty upon plenty of doctors, you guys probably don't believe me but I'm telling the truth. For five years I made a huge effort to take whatever antidepressants they doled out to me, tried to listen to their advice, and it just made me worse. That's what put the weight on me - the antidepressants just did not agree with me, I tried all different sorts and they made me like a zombie, a very fat zombie. My mind...it was like my brain was being smothered in some polluted smog for five years.

 

The reason those drugs don't agree with me is because I wasn't badly depressed in the first place. I suffer from chronic post-traumatic stress disorder and have done since I was six (when I was sexually abused), perhaps the doctors misdiagnosed the symptoms.

 

Actually, sb129, my job is the only thing that I have left to cling to. Its the first job i've had that i've ever really loved and wanted to work hard at. The people there are awesome and always manage to lift my spirits no matter how **** i'm feeling. By the way, I'm not working full time, it's just a casual job while i finish my uni degree. I only have to do 4 or 6 hour shifts at a time, and they're quite flexible with rosters and stuff there.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Once again guys, thanks for being so kid and supportive. If it comes across that I'm trying to be argumentative to those who offer me advice, please, that's not the case. I guess I'm just not pulling any punches now that I'm trying to illustrate how bad things are for me right now and have been in the past. I appreciate every single post, they mean a lot more to me right now than anyone can probably imagine.

 

TO EVERYONE READING THIS THREAD: Please feel free to carry on discussing the issues I brought up in my original post. I'm not going to be offended or upset if others want to carry on the debate.

[pricillia]

Hi Carbine,

 

I am getting into this late...

 

I think that I can relate to what you are going through not because I went through something like this but because my mother went through this not from a stranger but from her own father.

 

I do not think that she ever got over it even up to the day she died, it took her places emtionally that were dark and deep, and at times she would lash out at my sister and I and make our lives miserable and hard, I did not understand it then but I understand it now. I think that she wanted us to feel the same pain that she felt inside, she was crying out for help.

 

I am sorry that I could not help her get over her sadness pain and numbness to the things around her that were could to get her out of her own pain and thinking in a more positive light.

 

It was not until her funeral that I knew how much she was loved and the value that she had on other peoples lives.

 

Now grant it most but not all of her family was at the funeral but good long time freinds were there and they remembered all the times my mother was there for them, she made a difference in thier lives that will never be forgotten, I hope she knows that, how important she was!

 

You are important too! Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are worthy of realizing that what happened to you is not your fault, it was a weakness in him, which has nothing to do with you.

 

I am not going to tell you what you need to do or give advice, to you because I know when you are in the place that you are right now the more that is poured in the harder you resist, just know that it is ok to be in a dark lonely place, after all you are human and you have survived but not without scars I know.

 

As far as the BF harming you physically you don't deserve that, no one does. Everytime he does that I can not help but think that you relive things that happened to you in the past, you feel the pain over and over again, you may be in a cycle that is unhealthy for as you put it your soul.

 

Just remember you are worth it.

 

Like BTDT has said what are some of the things that give you joy?

 

I would like to know

[tommyr]

Carbine,

its probably hard for you to see this right now, but everybody else here is happy to know your jerk BF has sunk back down into the slime from which he came.

 

want to feel like a happy kid again? go for a bike ride in the park!!