Should you have a back up plan???

[Guest]

My friend keeps telling me you need a back up plan, in case things don't work out. I agree in some sense but not totally.

THis is the story. Dating BF for 1yr, living together for 6months. he lost his job in the summer and had a hard time find a good job (he did work, but money was tight). He finally got a really good job in Nov, but he's a little backed up because he owns a house with bills, so even though he is getting back on his feet, he can't go and spend a tone of money right now.

 

I honestly thought we would have been engaged by the end of 2006 (we are always talking about marriage, him more then me), so when it didn't happen, my friend tells me to save my money and have a date set in my head of the cut off, and when that date comes and no proposal, then I should move out. And if he proposes then at least I have some extra money for the wedding. I agree with the money part, but I don't know if agree with the cut off date. It just seems so harse, like all you care about is getting married, even though you've found the perfect man for you. I love him with all my heart and i know he's the man for me and we will get married, so why would I move out. Please, anyone. do you agree with my friend or not???

[adnCat]

It might be a little early for a cut off date... maybe if you said you'd been together for 5 years, I'd say you should have a date set in your head.

 

One year isn't really that long, in my opinion, to be worrying about this kind of stuff.

 

How old are the two of you?

[RecordProducer]

I strongly believe that if you and your boyfriend have a nice, loving relationship and he talks about marriage, he will marry you sooner or later. His due date might be different from your due date. We live in a world where the man decides WHEN to get married, not the woman and there is nothing you can do about it. You should only move out if you see that the relationship is not going anywhere and you will never end up married. I don't think this is the case with you two. You've only been dating for a year and it will probably take another year for him to propose. But if things go well, you will get married. So I wouldn't beat myself up with this.

 

The back-up plan is not appropriate right now. If you date him for a few years and nothing changes, you might give him the ultimatum or show him that other guys show interest in you and you don't feel like wasting your time with the wrong person.

 

Regarding money, you're not married so whatever you can save is yours and you should certainly NOT rely on him financially. If you don't work, you should find a job and think of yourself as a single woman, not a soon-to-be-married housewife who stays at home. Once you are married and have kids, you can decide whether you can depend on him or not. But in the meanwhile save whatever you can save. Don't think of this relationship as either marriage or nothing. It's a relationship that is likely to end up as a lifetime commitment if things go well. If they don't then you don't need to be married to him. It's better to break up in a year or two then get divorced after 5 or 10 years with children.

 

Regarding your friend, I think she is just jealous of you having a great relationship and she is trying to inject some poisonous ideas in your head in order to cause troubles in paradise. She wants to persuade you that you don't have a wonderful love, that you have an uncertain relationship standing on legs made of glass and she is pushing you to break the glass. Don't listen to her. She is bad news. Concentrate on your guy and building up a stable relationship with him. the marriage will come at the right time. Be patient.

 

My husband and I lived 5,000 miles apart so the only option for us to be together was to get married. He was hesitant about it until the last day (he got cold feet one day prior to the scheduled wedding and left me, but married me a week later when I told him I didn't want to hear about him ever again). But he talked about marriage all the time and even when he got cold feet, I knew he loved me and I knew he'd change his mind sooner or later, because he would miss me. You'll deal with the back-up plan if he says he doesn't want to marry you.

 

Usually men are reluctant to get married so please don't take this personally. It's just the way they are. If you start talking about getting married now, he will back off and the relationship will go downward. You don't need this now. You don't need unnecessary fights. You will gain more if you let things flow naturally and show him that you're the right person for him with your actions. The less eager you are to get married the more he will want to marry you. When I was acting like I didn't care about marriage, my husband insisted that we can't go on like that forever, that we had to get married. But when I said the same thing he told me, he backed off and wasn't sure. So be clever and act like you don't care about getting married. Trust me, he is more likely to rush into marriage with you if he sees that you're not so interested. If, on the other hand, he sees that you're pushing him, he will feel pressured and procrastinate.

 

When you chase after a man, he instinctively feels that he is better than you and he holds the cards. So he doesn't need to rush things. He has plenty of time to decide. But if you don't talk about it, he thinks you don't think about it. And then HE starts thinking about it.

[Guest]

adnCat, we are in our early 30s.

 

Thanks RecordProducer, you had some good advise there. As far as me working and all, I have a full-time job and contribute to the bills, When my friend said to save money on the side, she meant so I could buy myself a house if things did not work out. It was sort of her plan with her fiance, before they got engaged (they were dating 3yrs) she had a plan to save a certain amount of money by the end of the year so if he did not propose she'd put a down payment on her house.

 

Anyway, I really do appreciate what you wrote, especially "When you chase after a man, he instinctively feels that he is better than you and he holds the cards. So he doesn't need to rush things. He has plenty of time to decide. But if you don't talk about it, he thinks you don't think about it. And then HE starts thinking about it." I totally agree and think I am going to take a different approach to it all. I want it to happen naturally and I feel like if I was to take her advice, then I'd sort of pressure him, which is totally not what I want.

[adnCat]

I think you should wait another year and then set a deadline, or set a deadline more than a year away.

 

I don't think it is a bad idea to set money aside "just in case."

 

I have to disagree that guys instinctively feel that they are better than you or hold the cards. If your guy thinks that, maybe he needs to get a clue and learn a little respect.

 

This makes it sound like you are adversaries in some type of game. You and your partner should be equals.

 

All the same, backing off of the issue isn't a bad idea.